How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / ASK DR. LEEDOM: I don’t understand why I still care

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One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:

One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…

In spite of all this, I still love him and can’t stop thinking about him. I guess it’s just that I remember the good times and what a loving and caring man he could be when he wanted to. I know I am still grieving over this, because he still haunts me and I can’t seem to get him out of my system. And I know now that he’s not the man who I thought I fell in love with, but I am still having a really hard time with this. I don’t understand why I still care. I’ve tried to rationalize but it’s not working. You would think I would hate his guts after all he’s done to me.
Love is not something we can control

It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.

Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”

1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.

2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.

3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.

To carry out this conscious decision requires will-power, so read all you can about strengthening your will power. Briefly, will-power is like a muscle. It can become exhausted. It is weaker when we are tired, sick, malnourished or intoxicated. Stay away from alcohol, exercise and take care of yourself.

4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Tea Light

    Hi Lou! Bearing up, been at home today with a heavy cold but have been working in my pj’s as can’t afford to lose a day so much marking due. I also am under pressure to get my affadavit finished this week my counselor is helping me thursday. I’m ok. Very tired, more going back to work than depression I think or a combination probably. Am planning a short holiday at Easter to keep my spirits up, just a visit to an old friend in France (a looong way from the abuser). That’s me. How are things today Lou? x

  4. fixerupper

    Tea Light and everyone else:
    Thanks! You have shown great concern and support!

    Tea Light: I am getting ‘hit’ from TWO sides.

    One that ‘can’t live without’ me is not hard to figure out. There’s something wrong there. But another is really nice but is just coming on really, really strong. She was not available when I asked her out years ago. I don’t know what else to say right now. Hopefully things will even-out over the next week or so. I feel like I am riding out a sudden storm.

    These days I am aware of the feelings and effects that go with mirroring and lovebombing – both subtle/passive agressive and blatant forms.

    I am excercising more and back in the pool – so that feels good – but the wreckage from the s’path ex-gf is still being assessed and picked up.

  6. Tea Light

    Fixer, good, you sound like you are giving ‘can’t live without you’ a wide berth. If suitoress number 2 is really nice, why not give it a chance? If that is you are just taken aback and not unnerved or discomforted by her ‘coming on strong’. Maybe she is just very taken with you. It’s really a matter of are you ready to date and what are you looking for and what can you offer and being able to open up to another person but also being self protective and looking out for flags, and pulling out if you feel you need to. Forming intimate relationships involves risks. But you can take your knowledge of red flags and limit your exposure if you want to get to know her a bit better. Good luck! x

  7. darwinsmom

    more music – this one truly hurts… low self-esteem and no boundaries…The woman singing this is the right target for some lovebombing. Sad thing is, I once felt like I completely identified with that song during my reactive commitment fear phase and blamed myself when I “scared away” a loser because of it. And it hurt at the time to identify with it, not because of the past, but because I knew the song implied low self-esteem and wanting to give yourself away for peanuts.

    Dolly Parton’s Bargain Store

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow7_-3tAkew

  8. Louise

    kim:

    Thanks for that Janis Ian song…love it.

    Feeling a bit better. Trying to concentrate on the positives now. Thanks so much for understanding the bit about the cell phone and that being the tie that is gone.

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