One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
rperk6069
This essay has hit home for me. I can come to terms of why I don’t “care anymore” (so much) and why I DID still care for so long during the relationship and for quite awhile after the relationship with the P was over. As Dr. Leedom says “With time, these bonds fade if the other is gone”, and “…time does heal this wound.” I absolutely believe this to be true and a good reminder.
Ox Drover
I thought I had read every article on this site, but here is another one I some how missed, and it is definitely a great one too!
The sentence about “bonding for the life of the other” is an interesting take on NO CONTACT, which “simulates” the death of the “other”—and so it makes it so much easier to “let go” of the “relationship”—makes perfect sense!
WOW! another GREAT essay (article?) whatever you want to call it. LIGHT BULB MOMENT!
kat_o_nine_tales
Some thoughts.. Oxy right on, that simulated death is a good thing, it causes grieving to begin and then healing.
Nolove.. yes.. trama-bonding.. great way to put it. I had an example of this just recently. The last victim of my ex-cheater bf was convinced that she deserved to be with him, that she loved him the most, because he had treated her the worst!!
I felt sympathetic and bit horrified, but also wanted to just shake her and say.. “ARE YOU CRAZY???”
Sophia, you speak for me as well. I have managed to compress my “thinking about him” time by going to bed early or for a nap when it gets too much. I lie there and let myself think about him, feel bad, sad, angry, often I cry, then I usually drift off, and wake up feeling some better, then I push him out of my mind by focusing on my kids, housework, anything.
What you said about “What’s wrong with me that I can’t even keep a loser?” This is a big problem for me, I date losers “on purpose” because deep inside I don’t have the confidence to date the winners. For one thing, I believe they need me, and I like being needed. For another thing, I believe they are too far “below” me to even think about leaving me, a theory which has been proved wrong too many times. Right now I am thinking about staying single indefinitely, and keeping my dates casual. I know that at the very least I will not move in with, marry, or get real serious with any man until my middle kids graduate. That way i can keep my home life sane no matter what happens in my love life.
lostingrief
So, i found out less than a week ago that my guy of 10+ years got another girl pregnant, lied for months about the infidelity, blah blah … and today he actually called me (from an unidentified number) and said, as though nothing had happened: “hey, I need you to rewrite my resume …” My jaw dropped. Was he kidding!?!?!? So I told him to go to his new girl’s house and HAVE HER WRITE IT! Then I hung up. Then I cried. Then I screamed. Then I wanted to impale him on a telephone pole. Where does the gall come from? Does he really think everything was okay? What the heck is this maniac thinking????!!!
hens
lostingrief – He is thinking about himself – it is mind numbing that we can be on the floor in a fetal position because of what they did – and then they show up and start talking like nothing had changed except their address!!!!!!
hens
Kat – I just love your butt nekkid honesty – you just described me in your above post…….
Ox Drover
Dear Lost:
He is right, nothing tragic did happen—TO HIM—so why should he be upset? It was all no big deal —TO HIM–and he can’t understand why you’d be so pissy as to not want to redo his resume! Sheesh! What kind of a B1tch are you anyway? You act like he was a monster or something. LOL
I’m not making fun of you dear, or your pain, but you are right they have GALL and BALLS to no end.
That’s why NO CONTACT is the ONLY option for these people, it gets the out of our heads our of our hearts and lets us start to think straight. I guess from now on you need to not answer any call that you don’t know the number. Iknow that’s a pain in the butt, but it’s either that or change your number to a new one. Changing is a big pain in the butt, but sometimes it is easier to just bite the bullet an do it. Good luck and ((((Hugs)))) BTW good for you for hanging up!
hens
Heart’s are often broken When there are words unspoken In your soul there’s answer’s to your prayer’s If your searching for a place you know A familiar face somewhere to go You should look inside yourself Your half way there
Beverly
Au Revoir Henry, dont stay away too long. If you feel it all gets too much, pop back here, or pop back to say hello. hugs xxx
kat_o_nine_tales
TY Henry, I love your posts as well, they make me laugh and they make me think.
Lostingrief – you know what? How they act is not even about how they feel at all…these people know very well that their feelings are not compatible with society’s expectations.. their words are never indicators of what’s going on inside of them.
It’s like a post by someone else on this site said: They try to figure out always what “card” to play. He most likely doesn’t care about the resume much, he’s just gauging your reaction. In a couple of minutes he gathered: How angry you are with him, what exactly is pissing you off the most, checked the possibility of keeping you on the side to do favors for him, checked also what is probably one of your usual “buttons”, that is the button of “I need you”, and even got himself a little self-esteem boost because he has two women in love with him at the same time.. what an arse.. there aren’t words for the stuff they do…. but I’ll tell you right now, trying to figure out their thinking by what a normal person would think.. you could go nuts, and many have…their thinking has an entirely different basis, it’s like they don’t even live in the same world as we do.