One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
pollyannanomore
Many thanks Dr Leedom- this gives a good explanation of why things get so messed up with them. You are dead right that the bond starts to fade when we are well away from them!
Renewedhope
What is it about these people that makes us still love them? Even after they are gone they seem to have gotten into our DNA. Is it a unrequited love?Is that it? Never having the love from that person because they are incapable of giving it back? Maybe that is it. I know in my heart, mine will always be there in the recesses of my mind and heart even if I never see her again. But I must be strong. I must never tell her again what I feel for her because she would only see that as a weakness and an opening to use me again. I know that now..Thank God! I know that now!
lesson learned
Great article.
BUMP!
tobehappy
Yes…great article! My x would tell me in texts or on the phone..how much he loved me…then ten texts later…he was Mr.Hyde…..said…”Ok…I’m moving on…its over…why can’t you?” and he would hang up on me!! Of course, he would text me back the next day how much he loved me. LOL!
Pathetic
one/joy_step_at_a_time
thanks for bumping this thread LL.
RANT COMING –
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
– okay, there was sex. phone sex. but more importantly, THERE WAS NON STOP LAUGHTER. The hormones released by laughter, happiness and joy ARE POTENT.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
-Ahhh, ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ . Lying sack of shit evil c spath used to go on and on about the main character, aka the fake boy, having Stockholm Syndrome in relation to the ‘bad man’ he had lived with for many years. I AM SO ANGRY about all the BS manipulation this woman put me through. SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING (TO ME.) She jerked me around ad naseum, creating fear and anxiety about the fake boy:
3 fake surgeries
imminent death
suicide attempts
frequent emotional breakdowns
dealings with predatory people
dealings with incestuous and predatory family
flying a ll over the world to get medical treatment
adding new characters to the the fake story who were predatory
adding one character in particualr who would later be the main force in destabilizing me
agreeing to meet – and pulling out at the last minute….
on
and on
and on
and on …………….
…………….SHE KNEW EXACLTY WHAT SHE WAS DOING – SHE HAD STUDIED IT! LYING SACK OF SHIT EVIL *C*
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR……………………….
we now return you to your regular programming….
one/joy_step_at_a_time
oh, and i forgot to add, FAKE DEATH OF, AND FAKE RESURRECTION OF, THE FAKE BOY.
lesson learned
One LOL!!!!
Are you okay now,CHica?
I hope you feel better??? Your ex spath sounds like a REAL winner!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
one step is fine. 🙂
pressure relieved, spath reviled. 🙂
sadme
I have read somewhere that they always resurface. Well, my ex spath sent me an email on Friday. ” just wanted to say hello, haven’t heard from you in a while ”
He showed up at my house on Christmas day after having an argument with his new wife. The woman that he left me for.
My adrenaline was pumping when I saw the email from him. He still can get me worked up. I so badly want to reply, but I know now what is best for me “NO CONTACT” That is why I am back here on Lovefraud. I am scared what I might do. I can’t let him get to me. It has been 6 months since he showed up at my door. He had called me several times that evening and when I didn’t answer, he just showed up. I let him in…. I should have just let him stand in the cold and called the police. Ugh…. they do get a hold of the part of you that wants to believe that they are human. I read in this thread about how they don’t see they have done anything wrong when they contact us… so true…. and I was once on the floor in the fetal position because of him. Literally on more than one occasion.
I am here for moral support. I have been through so much in the past 3 years, divorce, job loss of 18 years, brain surgery, the spath breakup.. I have lost several people from my former support system because of the spath. I feel like I am all alone. I have a sister that has been a hugh support system for me. She is the one that told me about this site. Unfortunately, she is dealing with her own issues. We recently found out the she has breast cancer and she will also need a hystorectomy. I have not mentioned the email from my ex spath. She doesn’t need the extra stress for me and my problem, but now I feel that I don’t have anyone to talk to about my issue. I was going to therapy, but my therapist didnt believe that my ex was a sociopath. How can i talk to someone that doesn’t believe what I say… I’m the normal one… Im not the liar, the spath. I am lonely and scared. I feel at times that I will always be alone. I am terrified of that. One big reason to not have contact with my ex spath. He could take over so quickly. Please, help with any words of advice on how to stay strong.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
sadme – stay strong my girl. it’s just another blip and you will victorious over it.
i am very sorry to hear about your sister. this must be very hard for you to have her life threatened by illness.
take care and be strong – and post!