One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
being strong will move you forward…and remember you only have to do it one day at a time. you got yourself here tonight to reach out, so you have already won.
Sad me,
dump that therapist! Get a new one.
We believe you, we KNOW.
Your exspath is trying to feed. don’t give him any.
Mine came back too. At Christmas and just a month ago, after 3 years. That’s what they do.
It was tempting to say, “spath, you disgust me.” But I didn’t because he would have loved it. Any response is attention.
I gave him nothing because that is the power that I have over him. He wants SOMETHING and he gets nothing. Revel in your power, sad me.
hi sad me, did you delete the email? Delete the email!
Remember how amazing it felt when you went “No Contact”? You’ve been so strong for so long, don’t give in now, don’t give up now. Don’t respond. You are not alone.
Maybe post a comment here as if you were posting it to your sister? Tell us what you would tell her. We might not reply like your sister but we believe you, and we care, and in this way we are like your sister. Maybe in the process of writing, it will feel like you are talking to her. She might answer you in your own head, too. Take care, sad me.
I was happy to get time today to tell you guys. I ran into my ex idiot Saturday. He was at the new tractor supply opening. When I turned the corner and recognized that a$$ in those jeans, I literally stopped in my tracks. He was talking to someone and I walked over. I talked to his friend while he was chatting some older man up. He finally turned around when I mentioned I went roping last weekend. He said he didn’t realize it had been three months since we last spoke and he replied to the email I sent. I informed him I sent 3 emails and that he told my son he wasn’t going anywhere and now my son thinks he lied and is let down. He said he didn’t go anywhere he’s still right there at the same address. The crazy lady he let move in when he discarded me is now gone apparently she was stealing from him and he had to get his landlord involved to get her out. He buddy swears he’s been so busy with work that he has to drag him anywhere because he is so tired and works so much. I told him that I get the crazy lady was my replacement and that he was sleeping with her. He said no, but I don’t believe him honestly. I told him that if he wants me out of his life I get that after 3 months of not hearing from him, but I want my stuff from the apartment, my computer and if he doesn’t want to pay me the money he owes me I want his one horse that I love. I know I probably won’t see any of it and he probably won’t call me like he says he will. He says right now he doesn’t want anyone in his life. And that I know how busy his is in the summer with work. I told him thats bullsh*t and we made it work last summer. To which he replied barely. He said all women are crazy and I asked if I ever did anything crazy. No. Did I do anything but love him and have his back. No. Then don’t say all women are crazy cause I’m not.
You guys would have loved how his eyes bugged out and he rocked back on the heels of his boots when I said if you’re not gonna pay me back, I want Roy.
After that I wanted to puke, so I called the older man who my mom swears is my sugar daddy even though nothing is going on and he came over to my barn, gave me some pointers and took me to outback for dinner and talked to me about the ex. He says my ex wasn’t in it for anything but himself and he doesn’t know why men are like that. It was a nice night and I got to hang with lots of friends at the sorting after I rode.
Dear SadMe,
You did great in going NC, and now you just have to keep it up. I know it is scary to feel like you are alone, but you are NOT alone.
Hang in there and keep on realizing that he is nothing but a FAKE.
I am with Sky, get a new therapist, because if they do not believe you, they can’t help you.
MDCowgirl,
While it may feel good to have one-upped him face to face, the most healing technique is NO CONTACT…trying to reason with them, to make them “see” is a losing proposition. Psychopaths are not going to see “reason” or to feel compassion for what they have done to someone else. Remorse is totally out of the ball park as well. So, Save your breath is my advice.
MDCowgirl, OxD is spot-on. You see, “No Contact” is a personal recognition and acceptance of one simple fact: a sociopath DOES NOT care, DID NOT care, and NEVER WILL care about the carnage that they generate. In fact, contact of any sort with spaths gives them a power/control rush that’s better than a long, drawn-out orgasm. Oh, yes, it surely does. Nothing is more intoxicating to a sociopath than the knowledge that they can still CONTROL.
They do not care. They do not care. They DO NOT care. They are incapable of feeling, on any level. His eyes “bugged out?” So what? What will really make his eyes bug out, his jaw drop, and his penis go limp is if you are able to walk past him without even recognizing him as a living organism. He has no more importance than a paperclip.
As for what you “want,” well…..it may be better for you to just let it all go – computer and all – unless you intend to go through a Civil Suit. And, we all know what THAT would mean: more contact, more discussions, more negotiations, and (most appealing to him) more CONTROL.
Brightest blessings
I understand where you are coming from and if I had not have seen him. I would not have contacted him. I was able to speak my peace and I feel like I have some sort of closure for me. I know the guy I fell in love with is dead for all intents and purposes. The thing inhabiting that body now is not anyone worth loving. And you are right when he turned around he acted like why would anything be wrong. It was incredible to see now after knowing what I know. Luckily, for me I know so many people that I double he will venture anywhere near where I am or friend of mine are as they would all like to have a not so nice word with him. I don’t plan to waste vacation time and money to file in small claims court. I know what I know and the best thing is to let it go. He cut me off as soon as I used my credit card once to pay for something as he didn’t want a paper trail I think. That’ s what landed him in jail with an ex girlfriend 3 years ago.
Truthspeak, That was an Awesome comment!!
MDCowgirl……atta girl. It’s just “things” that he has, now. “Things” can always be replaced or substitued.
I hope I NEVER see the exspath again, for the rest of my life. I think that just hearing the sound of his poisonous voice might just make me vomit. LOL