One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
Sad me,
Turn away from that stinking email. Turn away. Put your attention back to yourself and ignore his pathetic plea for ‘supply’/drama/chaos.
They always resurface. And our bodies will respond with adrenalin and fear and anxiety. Because our bodies know the truth.
Take good care of your heart and soul,
Slim
Sadme, you want words and suggestions that will help you to remain strong? Two words: NO CONTACT. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, there’s closure. Yes, you can do this.
You can maintain NC because you can dig down into your mind and recollect what a rat-turd this guy is, right? There is NOTHING GOOD about this man. It’s not you – your heart/soul/persona – that he “cares” about. It’s about him snapping his fingers and laughing if you react like a trained animal. You have no more value to HIM than a used Kleenex, honey. All of the promises, endearments, and assurances were empty – as empty as my bank account! He DOES NOT CARE and he NEVER HAS.
Now, having typed out that cold, hard Truth, it is my fervent hope and belief that you will remember that you are a valuable, precious, and unique part of this Universe. You are NOT a sum total of what that pr*ck has determined you “should be.” You are stronger than he can even imagine in his empty little world. YOU MATTER. Who you are, who you will be, and what you accomplish for YOURSELF matters.
No contact. Hate him, for a little while, for what he did, what he’s trying to do, and what he’s going to do to the next victim. Once that hate gets white-hot, turn it around into positive energy – DO something that you have always wanted to try: bungee jumping; playing the piano; acting; writing; singing; bellydancing. Do it for YOU.
And, change your LoveFraud ID from “Sadme” into “GonnaMakeIt!”
Brightest healing blessings
Truthspeak, I just say WOW!!!!
Sad me:
Ok… We got this one :).
Some word of wisdom and a little advice…when we look at narcissism and the goal of ‘narcissistic supply’ it’s clear that ‘our’ Roles to these things is simply to provide ATTENTION, ADORATION, ENTERTAINMENT, EGO BOOSTING, etc. Plain and simple…
What ‘feels’ like a possible desire out of being missed by them is, in actuality, THEIR desire to see if they sill ‘have’ us in ANY WAY possibile. It’s a test…think if it as an attempt at ‘getting’ people on their ‘side’-the more people they have ‘possession’ of aka ‘control over’ the more the opportunity for what they WANT at any given time. They will extract whatever they can get from any source or multiple sources at the same time if need be. We are nothing but two dimensional characters and card board cut outs…
You will notice that IF u have contact and set boundaries, particularly regarding things that DIRECTLY violate YOU ( ex: my ex contacting me to see if I’d send a ‘video’ we made years ago after having broken up 1.5 years earlier. He was told ‘no’ and TRIED telling me I’m selfish, power hungry and controlling) there will be great wrath to pay. YOU will be made to look like YOU have issues and need help or be guilted seriously. Again, it’s a way of attempting to regain balance due to feeling and SENSING their control tactics no longer work.
STAY STRONG!
One more thing…
PLEASE remember what is being presented to you by them is a GAME!!!! It’s fake, a con, a ploy…there are ALWAYS ulterior motives.
Wow! Thanks to all of you for your insight, comments, encouragement… it truly means so much to me right now.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time…. I have to remember that, to take it one day at a time with NO CONTACT. If I break it down that way, it seems manageable.
Some of you may remember me… back when I first found lovefraud. I was a mess. I have been doing so well. I kicked my ex spath out in Sept of 2010 and we got back together 3 times before he finally left me a note on my night stand stating that he was in love with another woman and he was going to marry her. He stole my car and I had to hunt him down to take him to court. He just finished (or should I say his new wife) paying me for the car. I lost my case against him for back child support that I paid for him. Yes, he got me to pay for his back child support and he emails me like this never happened. He showed up at my house on Christmas night as if I would be happy to see him. I am amazed at the gull he has.
I thank you all for your continued support on this website. Silly thing is, I actually thought to myself last week, how I haven’t been coming on this site the past couple months. But then again, i have been focusing on me, my daughter and my awesome business. I own a great little restaurant and my business partner and I are opening a pastry shop in the same small town. It is a great distraction from my ex spath and also has helped in dealing with my sister’s illness. Good news though. My sister’s doctor did a biopsy on another spot and it turned out not to be cancer. She is having her operation to remove the lump in her breast tomorrow. I will be there for moral support, just like she has been with me when I felt like I was dying because of the spath.
Thank you all so very much and I will continue to come back for more encouragement. I value all your posts more than words can express.
XOXO
sadme – awesome on so many different levels! You’ve worked so hard and I’m so happy for you. Good news about your sister.
And yeah, you really need to change your name.
Truthspeak.
“He has no more importance than a paperclip”
Chortle 🙂
Strongawoman – chortling is great. Snorting is wonderful. Guffawing is CLEANSING! LOLOLOLOLOL
I sympathize with all the comments here.
I too was totally abandoned by my sociopathic girlfriend.
I was and I still am lost in a world of confusion.
There are so many thoughts and possible answers
floating through my head. And yes, the sex INCREASED to “bond” that I had with her almost 4 fold. I couldnt believe how much sleep i lost in the 2 months following the relationship. Thankfully, my sleep is improving but I am still left with her haunting image EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hate that she had the “power” by cutting me off. I feel so bad. But what can I do? And more importanty – what can all we as victims do? The answer is nothing. We cant change these sociopath predators. Nobody can. The only way to “move on” is to “cut our losses”. Thats all we can do.