One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
Sebbo,
I’ll tell you what we can do. What we do here is stand together. Stand proud my friend. Here’s a friendly hand. Hop up! Leave that spath where it belongs…..in the gutter. Along with all the other detritus of our lives. It’s horrible to realise you were a victim but I truly believe that what goes around comes around.
Sending you hugs and strength
Yes, even after four years I still think of him…I dont think we are supposed to forget evil like that. So why ? I think it’s because we all have this idea of what a perfect relationship would be like and unfortunatly I gave him the script and he played it well. Even with all the bad I remember the good. It’s his acting character I miss. The real him is a piece of carp. I think meeting someone new with our new reality would be the best cure. Dont be an open book next go round…….
Wow. How ironic. I was just here reading this thread, when suddenly a text from my ex.
Now, it’s important to note here, that since learning what she really is, and that the last seven years were a lie, she means no more to me than a rock. Even if she was an egg diner to my kids. After all her indescretions, she’s implying that she wants me back and is so confused as to how we got here. WOOOWWW!!
Do they really have no clue as to the pain they cause others? I guess if you’re never felt the pain associated with love and betrayal, how can you possibly concieve how your actions may have made someone else feel.
Sadme, great job. Stay away from this loser. Remember he isn’t just a liar, he is a lie. Nothing about him is real. Great job on NC. Keep it up.
And all of you have so much helpful advice.
God bless
Strongawoman
Thanks for the support.
Yes very very dissapointing to know
i was a victim.
I feel totally shafted.
Dyingdad,
Do they realise the hurt they cause. Pffft, ……do they care? That’s what I ask myself. Yeh course they care……about themselves. There is no altruism with a spath. They’re only aim in life is to be self serving. In my experience…..my ex gave in order to receive. A hundred times his investment. Keep your head screwed on in the right direction. As long as it’s headin away from your spath…..keep going. NEVER re engage. I’m so lucky I didn’t have children with mine. I know I had a lucky escape in that respect. Hats off to you.
Hens, even after 23 years I still think of my x hub. And quite a lot, lately. I think I have returned to my wounds, to take care of some unfinished business. The most remarkable thing is the head f ing. I am still confused, and I still don’t know the truth and I never will. I still believe a part of him is ok. I still believe that he was who he was when I met him…I still doubt myself and wonder if it was my fault, and I still wish it would have been different. I still love him.
I don’t want him, and I know we are a dangerous fit. I remember all the really lousy things he did…really lousy…but I remember how sorry he was, and I remember how cold hearted I was, and how i turned the tables on him, and I feel bad. I do.
Then, when I try to figure out just who he was F ing and when…did he F her, and who wrote that note? Which one was it that was really in my bed, and who did he introduce me to at the awards ceremony, and who was that guy in his office that stood up, extended his hand and said, “you must be Lori…” Ah, no, I’m Kim. Spath says, this is my wife. Which one put the claw marks down his back, and the hickey on his neck, hoping I would find out, and why did he let her? Was he hoping I would find out, too?
Why did I catch the gangly scrawny, buck-toothed, ears pokin’ out neighbor girl in my house one day about a month after he’d asked me to pick her up from school (WTF) why was she asking him to pick her up from school, and why was he asking me? In the car on the way home she confided that she’d met someone….he was married and had three kids….why, when we got to Florida, did she send a letter addressed to my daughter (12 at the time) and ask her to deliver a seperate note to my husband with a picture of herself with a baby?
Why did I watch him live in a seperate universe from me for 2 and a half years, watching his eyes goooo all far away and shit…see him living in a dream world.
There were two different Lori’s that hung out at his office, don’t know if he was boffing one or both. There was a Kim, whom he reqruited, and one time when I called his office his secretary ( a high-school intern, over summer vacation) innocently commented, “oh, another Kim.”
Shit. WTF? Where the hell was I? What the hell wa I thinking? Was I even there at all?
Absolutely rat shit crazy.
When I first came to LF, I was recovering from crazy trauma bonded relationship with the no-load crack-head. Once I got him out of my system I found myself revisiting my crazy heart breaking marriage.
But, when I came here I hadn’t dealt with the fact that he most probably got goofy Robin pregnant, and the Navy had sent him to Bathesda Md. for sexual abuse treatment. Now I have.
I don’t understand why the one thing that still hurts, just like it was yesterday, was that he fell in love with one of the lori’s.
Don’t know if he’s a spath, a sex addict, or both. I could feel some compassion for an addiction, I guess, because I identify. Sorry. I know that at this late stage in the game I should be beyond all this rumination, but it goes that deep. The head twisting reality f ing is incredable.
Sebbo,
Totally with you there. No one wants to feel humiliated. You were a victim of an actor. Straight out of stage school. Don’t feel stupid. There are people here who were duped. I was taken in …..I ignored the signs. Sigh. It’s not a sign of weakness. You’re human.
With all those evolved wonderful dynamics that make humans unique.
A spath is less. Much, much, much……
Not sexual abuse treatment (sorry) sexual addiction treatment. Three months. I asked why the Navy was sending him to Baltimore and he gave me some evasive slip-shod answer, and I never asked the next question. That’s how I was, at the time. I kind of knew, I think. But, it’s alls o long ago now. And, I was in out-patient treatment myself for co-dependancy and going to 12 step meetings trying to beat my own addiction and they all said, just focus on yourself. You can’t fix him anyway, and that’s what I was doing, but I wonder, now, if it just aided me in my dissasociation and denial. Ahhh, shoulda, coulda, woulda….and yes, hind sight is always 20/20.
Dear kim,
The one thing I’ve been lucky to learn so early on is what these things really are. Can’t really call them people, no human would behave that way.
I also learned that you have to let go of any blame you might feel. This was in no way your fault. You could never be everything he wanted you to be because if you were, he would have changed what he wanted to make sure you want. As long as you view have any empathy or sympathy for him, feel guilty or pity him, it’s going to be more difficult to shake that hold he has of your emotions. He’s not worth your emotion. A parasite. Feeding off sucking the life out of others.
I wish you well and hope you find total peace and healing.
Btw, thank you stronwoman for the kind words of encouragement.
http://theneurotypical.com/posttraumatic_relationship_syndrome.html