One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
thanks, Dad. I get some comfort from knowing that I was supply that flew the coop, in order to find a sense of myself….and he couldn’t handle it….the others were just greener sources and weren’t real people to him, either.
(((Kimmie)))) I’m sorry you are having to go back through processing all this old carp, but you know, I think sometimes we have to get the current carp processed before we can go back and process that old stuff that is just scabbed over…so eventually we can HEAL that old and deep stuff. It is painful. Peeling that onion, but once we get to the core it quits stinking! Hang in there my friend! (((hugs))) Love Oxy
((((Oxy)))) Sometimes I think it’s just such a habit to have some crazy rat shiat man in my life, that if I don’t have one currently causing me misery, I have to obsessed with one from long ago. It’s possible. But, the fact remains that he did traumatize me and I still don’t know the extent to which he F’d me. Never will. And even that causes cog dis inso far as I don’t know if his witholding the truth is a way of protecting me, or a means of power.
Total, complete crazy making, back and forth thinking, trying to figure it out. The only real resolution is in accepting that I will never know. Never.
kim:
Thanks so much for that link.
If you mind me asking, just tell me…I don’t mean to be intrusive, but just wondering…do you still see him around? Is he married again? Your story really struck a chord in my heart…wow, I am so, so sorry. He really put you through enough for ten life times.
I have heard many, many times women say what you said…I still love him, but I don’t want him. I personally can’t understand that and wish I could. I wish I could get there. I am the type of person who if I truly “love” someone, I want them. I only not want them anymore if I don’t “love” them anymore. I wish I could see it the way you and so many others do, but I can’t 🙁
BIG HUGS to you.
Kim I think if we do not resolve something in the past, it will pop back up to “haunt” us later. We have to take care of the CURRENT stuff, the alligators that are biting our butts NOW and when we have those calmed down, we have the leisure to process the older ones we didn’t process.
I know that learning to process the past, even childhood stuff, has helped me work through a lot. Like the “peeling the onion” stuff we have talked about years ago.
You may never know how many women he F’d, but there will come a point it doesn’t matter how many….or who they were…you will just resolve that you no longer CARE…but you have to work through it to quit caring.
Just like I sooooo badly wanted my egg donor to love me, but I finally realized she doesn’t, never did, never will…and I’ve come to some peace with that finally.
Don’t beat yourself up for wondering…for wanting to know the answers. Just process it.
You have made some progress lately…worked through your independence and that is good, Kim. You don’t depend on anyone else now, you are independent. Have your own place, your job, etc. that is a good feeling I am sure. (((hugs)))
Oxy, T.S. Elliot (the original inspiration for, “Cats”) wrote about the idea of an “objective correlitive” in poetry. This simply means that the poet encodes an interior feeling in an exterior phenominon, like black and white kittens with extra toes. If I was writting a poem about cognitive dissonence, I might use your kitties as an objective correlitive, in which every thought is either or and every kitty produced has extra toes.
They sound so cute.
You know Hemingway had a brood of polyhensile kittties and they kept reproducing generation after generation.
I had one once, that I named, “Ebert” for the film critic that always had a thumbs up or down. My cat had thumbs.
Kim,
((Hugs to you))
Accepting that you will never know the absolute truth, is hard stuff.
Maybe he isn’t witholding the truth so much as he isn’t capable(not an excuse but the reason) of giving you the truth.
This is often how I have to “think” of about my son. He isn’t capable of telling the truth. And if I allow myself to expect him to tell me the truth he will disappoint each and every time.
Wrong term. Not poly hensile, but poly dactile.
I just thought I moved on long ago, but I probably just distracted myself by trying to find LOVE. Now that I’ve given up on LOVE, I have no choice but to process.
I say all that with tounge in cheek, although, I think it’s true. I just don’t want anybody to say, “Ahhhhh, don’t give up on love…” Okay. I won’t. But, I’m sure as hell going to be pretty agnostic about it. It’s going to have to prove itself to me.
Thank you Witty. I can always tell you have a 12 step background, and it has worked a kind of serene understanding in you. I need that, because it was always the only thing that made sense to me in the long run.
kim,
I don’t think I could survive this whole situation with my son if I didn’t have a 12 step background….I am not kidding.
I just don’t know how I could even BEGIN to accept any of what has happened with him…I would be at such a loss. Such painful stuff….
It goes to show you that everything we learn in life is a life lesson that we might apply to something else. Because I never could have known that the 12 steps and AA/AlAnon background could apply to anything other than the alcoholics that are no longer even in my life.