A reader wrote in with the following:
I have a question for you related to the sociopath and the therapeutic relationship, and how to regain trust in the therapeutic process when it appears to have failed you during the relationship.
I have been in therapy with a therapist I trust and have bonded with for more than two years, as well as in group therapy, most of which was also parallel to the duration of my marriage to a sociopath. For a short period of time, the sociopath was in therapy with me in order to try work out the issues in our marriage.
I am currently struggling to regain my trust in therapy, when I view it as having eroded the very instincts that were telling me to get out of the relationship and away from the sociopath by teaching me how to work on “my issues” in the relationship, to be more understanding, less demanding, less needy, etc.
I do not blame therapy for my getting into or even staying in the relationship (as obviously no one could have known he was a sociopath if even I didn’t), but I’m having trouble continuing to recognize its value when I feel like it was a primary force in suppressing the red flags that were popping up everywhere screaming for me to leave him, because it had me focusing on “my issues” and how my past was influencing me to assume negative traits in him that were perhaps more tied to “my parents” or “family of origin” or to his natural family of origin issues.
I have tried to bring these issues and concerns up in my therapy, and am told that there is no way that anyone could have known, and that my rage needs to be directed towards the sociopath only.
But my point isn’t really rage or anger at her or the group for not seeing the truth, but really just in how to learn to value the process again, when in at least one case, it was reinforcing the same mind games he was playing with me.
I hope I’m being clear here and that this makes sense. I do honestly value and understand the necessity of therapy and would like to regain this trust, but am increasingly confused by how to do so given the doubts this situation has raised.
I would love some guidance or thoughts on this, or just to know if anyone else has experienced it and how they’ve coped.
Dr. Leedom answers
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and this important question. I have some very strong opinions about therapy and so forewarn you ahead of time.
First, I believe that anything offered by professionals, that is supposed to treat an illness, should have proven efficacy. In this regard, I hold psychotherapy to the same standard as I would medication. Psychotherapy should have proven benefits or it should not be sold. Sometimes people would opt to take a medication that does not have proven benefit because they feel good doing so. In that case, a doctor can tell the patient, “Here try this, it is not proven and may have side effects, but you might feel better.” In the same vein, if a therapist uses techniques that are unproven, he/she should be required to say, “This therapy may make you feel good but there is no scientific evidence that it works.”
Psychotherapy with proven benefit?
The above comment out of the way, there are psychotherapies with proven benefits. Therapy that works has goals and is of brief duration. If you are in therapy, work with your therapist to develop very specific goals. Wanting to feel better is NOT a specific goal. Specific goals often surround the symptoms of disorders. For depression, goals would be to improve sleep patterns, increase activities like self care and house work, and to decrease the dysfunctional thoughts that go along with the depression. Another goal for therapy could be to begin and maintain a satisfying friendship.
In regard to an intimate relationship, the goals of the therapy should also be articulated. The goal should be to increase loving behavior and to decrease negative behavior. If there is ongoing physical abuse, couples therapy is not considered acceptable. If there is psychological abuse, it has to stop before therapy can begin.
In general, therapists should not give advice. Then they are not responsible if someone stays in a relationship with a sociopath. That being said, having a vision for a functional relationship and a goal to attain function within 4 or 5 sessions should weed out sociopaths. Similarly, substance abuse has to stop before “therapy” can begin.
There are two specific therapies with proven efficacy CBT and DBT. DBT is a type of CBT.
What is CBT?
Cognitive-Behavior Therapy is devoted to the relief of human suffering using methods that have been shown to work. The latest in scientific advances are used to design personalized treatments in a culturally sensitive manner. In CBT the therapist and client work together to determine the goals for therapy, the agenda for each session, home practice between sessions, the usefulness of each intervention, and how long to continue therapy. In CBT the client does the work! The therapist is a facilitator.
What is DBT?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a comprehensive treatment specifically developed for individuals with impulsive and self-harm behaviors. These behaviors can include binge eating, destructive relationships, self-cutting, frequent suicidal thoughts, urges, or attempts, and other self-destructive tendencies. Many individuals with these behavior patterns also meet criteria for personality disorders.
DBT combines cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies with Eastern mindfulness (Zen) practices and involves both individual therapy and group skills training. Clinical research has consistently found DBT to be effective in reducing self-destructive behavior patterns and in optimizing ability to cope more effectively.
Some links:
Guidelines for choosing a CBT therapist.
Is DBT for you?
If you are in long term therapy and feel supported, and the therapy makes you feel good, don’t leave because of these recommendations. I have written this post for people who are questioning the therapy they are receiving. Most importantly, the joke about the light bulb is no joke. How does a psychotherapist change a light bulb? First it has to want to change.
W8ing4change – following on what milo said, you can’t treat these people like they are normal, so don’t broadcast your intentions, just do what you are going to do. broadcasting gives them waaay too much info and they will leverage that for control. it’s not like she’s going to respect your boundaries…quite the contrary.
w8ing4change,
I absolutely agree, Gray Rock is the ONY way you can deal with a biatch like this that wants DRAMA…NO DRAMA at all. Nothing she says makes you mad. No matter what it is you must PRETEND IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU MAD. She calls you a prick, you say “I’m sorry you feel that way” she tells you she is going to file rape charges against you, “well hun, you have to do what you think Is right”
Nothing makes you happy, your face is a blank wall, you don’t laugh you don’t cry, you don’t scream, you just are BLAHHHHHH.
She will keep trying to get a reaction, she will keep trying to push your buttons but eventually she will become bored and look for another victim. BORE HER TO DEATH.
W8ing4change – oh, and if you can REALLY bore her to death, let me know….it would be the ultimate weapon. i would consider reconnecting with the spath i thought it would put her in the grave.
Thank you all so much for your advice. I have become very familiar with the gray rock technique, and agree that it works well. I found out I was already using this technique even before learning what it was. Lol. Now, having it explained improved on it.
I don’t however feel that she is looking for drama. I think she had finally noticed that her hooks slipped, and wants to try to re-engage the honeymoon phase. To get info and supply. Her man supply had run a little low. Lol.
As you can imagine, she is very good at operating within the law. When she’s happy, (I submit to all her demands) she allows me more than ordered access. This is what she takes away. I tried to rectify the phone access problem through court, denied
Joy, I love your idea about the ultimate weapon! Roflol.
Thank you all again. God bless.
W8ting, love the name change – now, consider an even MORE positive ID: M8kingCh8nges! LOL
I thoroughly understand your concerns – they are valid, and based upon facts. Having been through a similar situation with the first exspath, I learned “how things work” by making irreversible mistakes.
“Grey Rock” is the most perfectly sound approach, and I wish that I had known about this about 18 years ago. The second exspath isn’t just a grey rock – he is non-existent. He does not exist in my world. Now, having said that, we don’t have children together, so it’s far easier for me to walk away, not look back, and try to piece my life back together.
With regard to her isolating the children from you, there is one possible legal remedy, but it’s another march through the Family Court system, and liable to amount to nothing. “Show Cause” is when someone fails to act in accordance with a Court Order. “Alienation of Affection” is a legal term that refers to one parent turning children against another parent, by word or deed.
Alienation of Affection is a tool that spaths use to a degree that is so damaging that it cannot be calculated. It’s also a horror to attempt to prove to Family Court. Most often, children are Court Ordered to attend counseling and make their decisions based upon the counselors’ recommendations. THIS can be result in positive AND negative outcomes. You’ve read in these many articles that even educated Professionals “don’t get it” where sociopathy is concerned, and this unfortunate Truth goes forth with Court-appointed counseling, as well.
For the time being, W8ting, you’ve been offered some spot-on suggestions by Milo, OneJoy, and OxD. The most difficult challenge that you may be facing is putting “Grey Rock” into practice. Giving nothing away – no emotions, no instructions, no warnings of consequences, etc., – is a difficult challenge. We’ve had our boundaries trampled through coersion and deceit, and (if anyone is like I am) we feel compelled to define boundaries and tell these rat-shit people about themselves. Well, if we give them a “heads up” on what we will and won’t tolerate, they’ll simply (and, effectively) figure ways around those boundaries.
Did anyone watch (or, read) the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy? Rohan’s great fortress of Helm’s Deep was a solid defense and had only one weakness – a culvert which was easily exploited with explosives. So…..recognizing that ANY boundary can have the tiniest vulnerabililty is probably as helpful as any stone laid in that boundary wall. A sociopath will find a way around any boundary, if they can. And, if they have a clear definition of those boundaries, they can begin scoping out vulnerabilities.
For instance, a conversation begins with the children’s welfare – school reports, physical needs, etc. Pick one, and watch the spath work their way around that discussion – milimeter by milimeter – and turn it into whatever topic that will serve them, best. It’s not about the children’s welfare, and it never WAS. “It’s all about THEM,” so I am with Milo on this: no verbal declarations of what you will, and will not, allow. Begin teaching yourself to hear white noise whenever the spath speak, EVEN if the words seem to focus on the best intersts of the children.
Yes, a sociopath is adept at drawing out information from their targets. It’s a natural ability that we all have, but spaths simply use that ability for their own purposes. It can be almost mesmerizing to watch a spath work, can’t it? It’s like watching David Copperfield make a 747 jet disappear. But, remember: Copperfield is an illusionist, just as spaths are. The illusion is to present care, concern, and false empathy, and very nearlly 100% of the time, they will give themselves away in due time. Fascinating, to be sure, but thoroughly malicious.
Hang in there, W8ting! Practice visualizing the exspath as a grey rock that makes a noise come out of a fissure in its face. “Beware the Voice of Sauruman!”
Brightest blessings
Milo, “head in a blender!” ROTFLMAO!!!! That phrase just struck me as hilarious, as awful as that may sound. I got this visual of Saturday Night Live skits with the “Bassomatic,” and it morphed into the “Sociomatic.” LOL Sorry….it’s not funny, but it is – if that makes any sense. 😀
W8ting, I meant to ask if you were engaged in counseling therapy. I know there’s a lot of opinions about this issue, and finding a counselor that “gets it” can be a true challenge, but I was very, very lucky to find a good, strong counseling therapist (and, I VERY much miss our sessions), and she GOT IT, straight from the gate.
If you aren’t already engaged in sessions and you’re wanting to find a counselor that “gets it,” you can call your local domestic violence hotline or “mental health” referral service and specify that you need the names of several counselor that are familiar with PSTD and domestic violence/abuse. The DV hotlines keep a list of superb counselors that often provide their services at no cost to victims of domestic violence and abuse. If you have health insurance that covers “mental health” services, you can also get a list of candidates from them, as well. Just keep in mind that choosing the right counselor is like trying on every style of Levi jeans – some are going to fit better than others. And, don’t commit to the first counselor that you meet with, either. Observe how the counselor moves into topics and ends the sessions. If you walk away feeling confused or misunderstood, then the counselor isn’t hearing you. If the time in sessions seems to drag on, then you’re simply taking up space in the schedule. Strong counseling, IMHO, should consist of validation and suggestions on how to manage the issues – triggers, feelings, perceptions, beliefs, etc. When I walk out of my counselor’s office, the time has flown by and I have literally taken notes on techniques to practice. I “feel” as if I have been given goals and the tools to meet those goals.
One/Joy, you made me laugh! 🙂
MiLo, loved “having a conversation with your head in a blender.” Doesn’t that say it all?
I agree with this one, “You won’t show negative emotions because you won’t show any emotion at all. You don’t need to be afraid of how she will react when you reject her because you are going to let her be the one that ultimately rejects you.”
W8ting, I am not sure that therapy with the two of you together is going to do anything except maybe help a therapist to see why you keep getting hooked.
Thruthspeak, my state legally does not have “alienation of affection” because I wanted to go that route with my family and was told that I couldn’t since the law wasn’t on the books.
Truthspeak:
That was such a wonderful post at 8:35AM. I saw my spath do this…it wasn’t about his son at all. He had been separated from his wife for a year and I think wanted to go home. I think he was lonely and tired of living in a crummy apartment instead of this big house with all the amenities that he was used to having. Sooooo, his son apparently gets into just a little trouble at school (this is a good kid) and he tells his wife that we should get back together because I feel like the son is getting in trouble because we are separated and he needs his dad. HA! See, it wasn’t about his son at all; it was all about HIM and what he wanted, but he spun it to look like it was in the best interest of the child. PLEASE!!! And the wife fell for it, but she probably wanted him to come home, too so it worked out for all!
G1S, excellent reminder: Family Law varies from State to State.
I also agree 100% that counseling therapy for W8ting WITH the exspath would be an exercise in futility! I’m all for individual counseling with the “right” counselor.