I've been writing my next book and decided to share a piece of it. Here it is: All my life, I've been surrounded by facts and figures about how many years you lose if you do certain things. Like smoke cigarettes. Or do drugs. Or drink too much alcohol. People like to threaten and motivate each other with scary statistics that encompass not only dangerous behaviors but also self-neglect. Like failing to exercise. Or skipping stress-reduction techniques. “For every year you smoke, you take a year off your life.” Something like that. But I don't think anyone knows how many years you lose to a psychopath. Not even counting the years you spend going crazy before you finally figure out wha …
No Remorse
I received a text: I am driving to Middleburg to sign paperwork. If u can sign today we will be done w all this stuff. Want to celebrate? My ex husband sent me this text on June 4, 2013. We'd been in court for most of seven years at that point, first for our divorce and then again when he filed for full custody of two of our three children and requested that I have no visitation. He only wanted the boys. I was working at my computer when the text came in. I looked at the time on the corner of my screen—12:17pm. What, did he want to get a drink? Go out to lunch and blow off the rest of the afternoon together? What exactly did he have in mind? I went back to working and then picked …
If Psychopaths Were Identified
If psychopaths were actively identified across institutions, we would more consistently know exactly who we're dealing with. Their stats on getting away with murder would go (way) down. They would be less likely to win full custody in divorce. There would be more public awareness around who's running certain companies. And our public and professional belief that interactional assessments and background checks tell us all we need to know about a person would be turned on its head to the benefit of all involved. If psychopaths were identified consistently and accurately by all mental health professionals (which would require major change in nearly every clinical training …
Psychopaths as Predators: Protecting Children
A child predator is likely (but not always) a psychopath and not necessarily a stranger. Here are some points to consider when it comes to protecting your children.* Be Present People who prey on children are likely to seek out roles that give them time for intimate contact. That includes coaches, club advisors, teachers, pastors, and so on. Background checks are only useful if the individual has been caught, and let's face it, many are not. A clever psychopath who preys on children is likely to evade detection through charisma, deception, and a values-driven facade. This person may be the last you'd ever expect—the type who spends time with the family even when the children aren't a …
Telling Your Kids the Truth About a Sociopath
Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader: My daughter was very recently granted custody of the two daughters that resulted from her relationship with a sociopath. An ongoing problem that I would LOVE to see you address on your website—how does one deal with the sociopath's lies and manipulation of the children? Specifically—how do you tell the kids the truth without hurting them? My daughter has to deal with a constant barrage of lies from the other parent. An example of this—telling their older child that her mother did not want to see her when the reality was that he (the sociopath father) was keeping the children from her. It's a no-win situation because either wa …
Co-Parenting with a Psychopath: Two Insiders Tell Us What It’s Like
by Quinn Pierce and H.G. Beverly Quinn Pierce and H.G. Beverly both married and divorced psychopaths. They both have children with these men and are therefore connected to them for life. Here, they share their experiences and advice. Let's start with a big, looming question. When and how did you figure out you were with a psychopath? Q.P. I had no idea I was married to a sociopath for most of my marriage. But the signs were there—for years, I battled depression, anxiety, feels of worthlessness, and all the classic symptoms of a spouse in an abusive relationship. However, I didn't know what a sociopath was, nor did I understand that abuse could be anything other than physical; so I ra …
Co-Parenting with a Psychopath: Two Insiders Tell Us What It’s LikeRead More
3 Signs You Should Stop Hurting the Sociopath in Your Life
So you're wondering if you're with someone who has a character disorder? Maybe a narcissist? Or a sociopath? If you are, you might often be accused of hurting that poor person. Here are three things you might be blamed for, otherwise known as red flags: 1. A person with a character disorder is not responsible for his or her life. You are. And if you don't step up to the plate with a full wallet, lots of energy, and a constant smile, then you're going to hear about it. About how mean you are. Uncaring. Unloving. Unwilling. Even if you've been stepping up to the plate with all of the above for years and are simply worn out by your partner's inability to invest alongside you. Even when you're …
3 Signs You Should Stop Hurting the Sociopath in Your LifeRead More
3 Ways Cops Can Support A Sociopath
Think street cops are better trained to deal with sociopathy than the rest of us? Think again. Here are three ways that cops—at least the small town variety I'm most familiar with—can get pulled into aiding a sociopath: 1. Cops are just as likely as anybody else in the world to be charmed by a sociopath on the spot. In my case, I called for help when my ex threatened to leave my house with our children and not bring them back. At the time, he had also been actively stalking me and threatening my life. The local prosecutor had just sent an "official" letter to him, warning him to stay more than 100 feet away from me (or some similar distance). After our disagreement over his intent to keep o …
Holidays with a Sociopath
There's no exact formula for spending life's special events with a sociopath, but one thing's for sure. It won't be good for you. With the 4th of July coming tomorrow, I decided to spend some time talking about life's biggest events and sweetest moments. Weddings. Birthdays. Funerals. Births. Christmas. Hanukah. Anniversaries. And any other special time or ritual that gives our humanity a chance to feel the deeper meaning of life. To watch the fireworks. To celebrate our bonds to each other. To remember our heritage. To take a breath and step away from the daily grind so we can look around and appreciate what's most important to us. And feel the joy that comes with it. And because our …
Devaluation and the Inability to Form Emotional Attachments
I'd like to start this post with a passage from the author Jesmyn Ward in Men We Reaped. Here, she talks about how she learned to undervalue herself when her dad left their family: "I looked at myself and saw a walking embodiment of everything the world around me seemed to despise: an unattractive, poor, Black woman. Undervalued by her family, a perpetual workhouse. Undervalued by society regarding her labor and her beauty. This seed buried itself in my stomach and bore fruit. I hated myself. That seed bloomed in the way I walked, slumped over, eyes on the floor, in the way I didn't even attempt to dress well, in the way I avoided the world, when I could, through reading, and in the way I …
Devaluation and the Inability to Form Emotional AttachmentsRead More