I received a text:
I am driving to Middleburg to
sign paperwork. If u can
sign today we will be done
w all this stuff.
Want to celebrate?
My ex husband sent me this text on June 4, 2013. We’d been in court for most of seven years at that point, first for our divorce and then again when he filed for full custody of two of our three children and requested that I have no visitation. He only wanted the boys.
I was working at my computer when the text came in. I looked at the time on the corner of my screen—12:17pm. What, did he want to get a drink? Go out to lunch and blow off the rest of the afternoon together? What exactly did he have in mind?
I went back to working and then picked up my phone to read it again. Then again, one more time. He’d finally signed our custody settlement after two years of strained wishing that he would.
After almost seven years of filing motions against me in court.
And nine years before that of the kind of marriage that took me from being a confident woman in a medical program to a quiet female who made lunch for him and his lover in our home.
And one more year before that of a passionate courtship during which he convinced me he was the love of my life.
Even though I’d known him for years by the time that text came in, I was still stunned. I still couldn’t believe that he could really torture, batter, abuse, and maim other people—even our children—and through deluded thought patterns actually believe that we could still celebrate together when he agreed (on paper) to stop.
He believed it so whole-heartedly that he invited me out to celebrate.
Psychopaths are confusing. M. Scott Peck says that confusion is a sign of evil—that if you’re around someone who confuses you all the time, you should see it as a red flag.
And my ex confused me. Because if he didn’t feel guilty, then did he really do anything hurtful? Maybe he didn’t mean to. When I was around him, I came to question myself daily. Was I making him out to be worse than he was? Could he really be bad when he seemed so nice sometimes? When everyone liked him so much? He presented himself as a victim of everyone and everything, including me. So did that mean he was or is? How did we construct our separate realities? How could our perceptions be so incredibly different?
If he hit me but then happily brought me a glass of wine, ready to celebrate together with no remorse, was he faking his good mood and hiding the sense that he felt bad for what he did? Or not?
Psychopaths generally seem like very happy people.
That text, asking me to celebrate, offers a glimpse into his conscienceless way of being in the world. Even today, I still want him to know that he hurt me, and that he hurt our children. I want him to feel bad about some part of that.
But he never will.
Some people have no remorse.
~This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.
Catherine my favorite is do not judge till you have walked in another’s shoes.
Here I go again -on the defensive because evil was a parent. I ran away from ‘home’ for the first time at the age of ten. Married in Seattle at a very young age because had found people who I believe cared for me. Evil stalks. From Ontario my father came and destroyed my husband because his family was naive to evil. When it is a parent nobody calls it stalking or abuse. The cowards way of hiding evil.
I don’t judge. I just give my point of view, as much as I don’t judge sociopaths, I haven’t walked in their shoes either. But I am convinced about everybody’s capability to choose what they do and their responsibility in their choices.
When it is a parent there are also people who call it stalking and abuse, but it depends on those people’s views. They are responsible of their views too and also of being cowards, if it is what they are. We can only choose how we are and how we choose to act, and others do the same. In my opinion, setting our boundaries and looking for people who are align with our values it is one of the most important things in life.
Here is a new one….
Putting others on the defensive makes one offensive.
That one is not for me, as a huge defender of freedom of speech I prefer the one of “I am responsible of what I say, not on how you take it”. In any case, it was by far not my intention to put you on the defensive – in case you are talking about our debate – I am sharing my views, you might agree as well as disagree with them. It is normal that people rule their life differently according to their different views.
You really have know idea of the extent of control the ‘parent’ title gives a human being over another Catherine. Absolutely in the dark because you have never experienced a parent stalker.
It might be helpful to look into the concept of “boundaries.” The parent’s poor choice to try to control an adult child can’t be changed; but there may be things the victim can do to protect herself and minimize harm.
It is a hurtful situation and no one should be betrayed by one’s own parents, who are supposed to love, protect and provide for their children. Most parents would give their life for their children. It is heartbreaking when parents harm a child in any way.
I think we rather end the debate here. It is clear that we see it differently and we have expressed both points of view. I believe in full freedom of choice for everybody and you believe that a person can exert a control over an adult, I don’t. I have never experienced a parent stalker (at least I don’t consider it as such) but, as I’ve mentioned, I have a friend who had abusive parents. I say “had” because she doesn’t consider them to be relatives anymore. She considers herself an orphan and that’s how she has chosen to live her life.
I have also had many friends who, but would never consider using HAVING KNOWN PEOPLE WHO as giving the authority to speak as if I actually experienced! I have Asian friends for example and do not use that as an authority on Asian culture. There are so many nuisances involved than if one has not lived, walked in another’s shoes, one need not go Ann Rand.
Therefore yes please may we end this discussion. Thank You.