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3 Ways Cops Can Support A Sociopath

Think street cops are better trained to deal with sociopathy than the rest of us? Think again. Here are three ways that cops—at least the small town variety I’m most familiar with—can get pulled into aiding a sociopath:

1. Cops are just as likely as anybody else in the world to be charmed by a sociopath on the spot.

In my case, I called for help when my ex threatened to leave my house with our children and not bring them back. At the time, he had also been actively stalking me and threatening my life. The local prosecutor had just sent an “official” letter to him, warning him to stay more than 100 feet away from me (or some similar distance). After our disagreement over his intent to keep our children, my ex wouldn’t leave my front porch. So I stayed inside and called the cops and told them about the letter and asked them to make him leave my property.

Were they charmed by him on the spot? Yes. Two squad cars pulled up to my curb and left their lights flashing for 45 minutes while they chatted and laughed with him on my lawn—all before they came inside to talk to me. And they told me starting off to wait inside. I lived in a nice, quiet neighborhood at the time, so I was horrified by the scene this created in front of my neighbors. I was even more horrified by the fact that my kids were there, experiencing all of this.

But my ex seemed delighted. He shook hands and shared big smiles and made broad gestures with his arms as he socialized in the spotlight. He strolled around my small lawn, laughing with them in the sunlight.

He set up their perspective of our situation. They let him.

2. Cops can be helpful. That means they can be helpful to a sociopath.

When they finally came inside to talk to me, I asked my children to stay upstairs for a moment while we talked. But I didn’t get to do much talking. Because when I showed my copy of the letter I had from the prosecutor (asking my ex to stay away), the cop actually scoffed at me and said that my ex wasn’t dangerous. When I started crying (even though I tried not to), the cop told me to stop being such a “crybaby.”

My ex couldn’t come inside to shame me, so he set up the cop to do it for him.

3. Cops can be seduced into supporting power dynamics that work against victims of violence.

My ex had been abusive toward me on many multiple levels for years and years before I ever left and got my own little house and that letter from the prosecutor, which turned out to be an ineffective, wobbly shield.

The way the story ended that afternoon is that the cops told me to gather my children and get them into the car with their father. Granted, they were in a difficult situation because of the he-said, she-said nature of the whole thing. But instead of choosing to remove him from my property (according to the letter from the prosecutor), they let him stay. They chose to talk to him first and for nearly an hour before talking to me. They allowed themselves to be drawn into his story of why he was lingering there instead of asking him to step away from my property. And then they took it further by supporting his request to leave with our children.

They undermined my sense of safety while putting my ex in charge of the entire situation. They became his believers. They were at his beck and call. They weren’t curious about our history, the letter from the prosecutor, or my own detailing of what was happening at that moment. After talking to him, they didn’t want to hear from me at all. And they felt no obligation to ask.

He was in control of all of us. He used the cops and the entire situation to his advantage.

And with that experience of power to boost him, he pulled away from my house with a smile.

My children watched me through his windows, waving goodbye.

 

 

H.G. Beverly is the author of The Other Side of Charm.

This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.

 


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49 Comments on "3 Ways Cops Can Support A Sociopath"

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HG Beverly – what an outrage. It is so infuriating that the cops fall for sociopathic games all the time. They should know better. But they don’t.

This is a horrible, horrible situation you went through HGBeverly. Do you still know who these cops are? I’d be tempted to send them a copy of your book with a message: ‘you believed this man’. I’d like to do the same with my book regarding all the people in authority positions who are meant to keep us safe yet instead side with the sociopaths. There were many in my children and my life during the 4 year divorce / custody battle. I had nowhere to turn.

My former husband was able to woo the police officer at my son’s high school (she was a woman, wouldn’t you just know it) into believing his story of why we separated and how horrible it was that I was turning our son against him and all other sorts of smear campaign tactics. She fell for all of his antics and joined forces in making my son’s high school experience a living hell by profiling and targeting him for every single behavior that was not ‘normal’. She even wrote me a traffic ticket when I was parked on a side street in front of my son’s school as I watched to make sure he entered the campus! Evidently I was too close to the fire hydrant. Eventually an administrator caught on to the entire situation, thank God, and this officer was reassigned to another school. Yet that didn’t stop her as she continued her verbal smear campaign of me.

Prior to all of this, my husband had already womanized her. I remember her coming up to me once and actually telling me that my husband was the kindest, most loving man she had ever met. And that he didn’t look too bad in a suit, either! She was in full uniform with her weapon talking to me like this.

How in the hell are we to combat such abuse? What is in our power?

That is why police officer training is SOOOOOOOO important!

When I’m training officers, we talk about how easy it is to get seduced by a story instead of facts. My ex was good at that. When police were called to our house by the neighbors, my husband met them outside first. As it turned out, one of the officers was from my ex’s home town and both went to the same college (the officer actually graduated whereas my ex only hung out at the same hangouts). By the time they got to me (in the early 80’s) they were very dismissive of me. My ex was a great guy and maybe I was just hormonal and needed some sleep. Why didn’t I call the police? Because who was going to believe me? Not the police! After that, my ex started talking about how he could kill me, get rid of my body, and how no one would care. I believed in his ability to do it and I believed that he would get away with it.

Police have to understand that they are walking into an unknown situation. Someone in the scenario may have a vested interest in charming police to overlook or dismiss a crime. They don’t know who the abuser is or who the victim is. That is why their attitude and demeanor are so important. NO SNAP JUDGEMENTS. They need to interview both parties out of site of each other. They need to remain focused and professional. They need to understand that abusers can be charming and victims may be too embarrassed or afraid to say anything. They need to actually investigate. Besides interviews they need to be observant for clues as to what really happened.

I tell them the story of an auto accident. My ex was smoking pot and driving aggressively. I was sitting in the back of our van in a lawn chair nursing our infant – yes it was the early 80’s. I had been pleading with my ex to slow down and be careful. Instead he hit another vehicle. In my head I was in a panic. The smell of pot was in the front of the van and unmistakable. He had been told that he had to get a state license several months previous. He had been told that if he did not he could go to jail. We were about to leave for a family visit – a visit that I desperately needed as I was considering leaving him. I knew that we did not have the money to bail him out and I knew that if he went to jail that the family visit would not take place. When police arrived on scene, I said that I was in the drivers seat. I got a ticket for the accident. I took the wrap for my ex husband’s crime. I dealt with the consequences of a crime I did not commit though I did commit a crime in that I lied to police to keep my ex out of jail.

The moral of my story is that had the police officer actually investigated, the truth of what had happened was right there before them. My ex was standing down wind so no one would smell him. The driver of the other car said that he saw a blond haired man driving, but I was adamant that I was to the point of tears. I was overly dramatic hoping to keep them from looking at my ex. (The idiocy of all the other issues – a lawn chair, an infant, etc. I can only say that I’ve grown up since then.)There were clues that were overlooked in accepting the easy answer.

Domestic Violence/Disturbance calls are the hardest calls police make. Much of the time both parties are covering up for the other. Rarely is it cut and dry since the parties are not wearing labels. Often injuries are hidden along with the truth. Protective Orders, Divorce Decrees, TRO’s are only paper and only as good as the officer’s understanding of them or willingness to investigate.

HGBEVERLY is so right in stating how police can support sociopaths. I’ve experienced it several times. I don’t think it is their intention just a lack of training. Sociopaths are skilled in charming and police are not immune. Attentive officers will remain impartial. Attentive officers will remain professional in conducting interviews. Attentive officers will do their due diligence when presented with paperwork. That’s what they are supposed to do.

Police officers can do more damage to victims than they realize. Their attitude can prevent a victim from reaching out. Their demeanor can keep a victim locked in a dangerous situation believing that no one can or will help them. Their lack of attention to detail can get people hurt. I’ve been there so I know how damaging it can be.

Police need more and better training period.

HGBeverly another excellent topic to discuss thank you for this latest post.

I have ponder the purpose of a restraining order because we all know that the restrain order do not hinder the perpetrator from contacting their victim but I now believe that the sole purpose of a restraining order is for the victims to go “no contact” with their abuser without even knowing about the no contact rule.

Meaning if the victim did not have the restraining order in place the victim would most likely engaging with her abuser when he sends her a ranting email/text/or calls/visits…with the restraining order she too is prevented from contacting the abuser…

the victim typically follows the law unlike the abuser so the restraining order does give the victim time to clear their brain fog and see that the abuser will not change while breaking the strong emotional bond to her abuser also it gives her access to the domestic abuse center free counseling to keep that distance from the abuser again to clear the mind control/mind control and to get away from the gas lighting abuse.

So in a nut shell a restraining order is the first phase of the “No contact rule” that all victims need to impose with their abuser.

As for the Cops who turn their eye to a violation of a restraining order they ARE breaking a law since the judge ruled that the abuser must stay so many yards away from the victims…the cops are helping a law breaker, the cops are accessory to a law being broken and these Cops should be held accountable for their actions.

The sad part is the victims will not go to the police dept to file a complaint against the police for two reasons 1) because they fear they will not be protected the next time their abuser shows up at their home 2) the victims is emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted to even think to do this or have the energy to do this. But if more victims did lodge complaints against the police or file law suits then the police departments would have to make serious changes.

Ironic – you are indeed dealing with “the boys club”. It is hard to get police to turn on one of their own. Nothing prevents a sociopath from becoming a Police Officer, a Lawyer, or a Judge. From my perspective the legal profession is a playground for sociopaths. I hope there is a good women’s program for you in your area.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe – your story breaks my heart. I am SO,so sorry that you had that experience. You are correct in that no one can count on protection from Police. There is only so much the good ones can do and I know they aren’t all what they are supposed to be.

I want to believe that officers I train are better than that, but I know it doesn’t work that way. They leave training and go out into the real world where senior officers talk them out of writing up all calls, things become discretionary, they get jaded. Their own upbringing plays into calls. Officers who come from dysfunctional homes are sometimes less sensitive to some things they see or accept things that they shouldn’t as normal. There are terms like “saving face” and “machismo” which have to be worked around. We have officers who come from backgrounds where women have no rights and their only value is in the children they bring into the world. They are supposed to learn the law inside and out. Training is supposed to teach them how to handle situations like Domestic Violence and so on. We talk about sociopaths, narcissists, and other disordered individuals, but they aren’t experts and cannot be expected to be.

Your experience should be a cautionary tale for police enforcement everywhere. No one should feel victimized like you were. I just want to give you a hug and a really big, squeezy one at that. I know you weren’t treated as you should have been and I’m so glad that you have come so far from where you were!

Thank you for your reply Bets. I am so grateful for an angel on my side that day, when a truck driver, 6 hrs late with his load because he had a morning breakdown. He didn’t do anything but appear, which was All I needed to get away.

(when I write “you”, I am referring to the reader who is living a nightmare.)

My big main message is that I thought since I was giving my now ex husband all he said he wanted, that I was safe. We were only meeting to discuss how to fill out forms in a way that protected HIM. Instead, I was ambushed. SO…. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE a person who has shown they have NO conscience, NO remorse, NO heart about the pain they cause. EVEN IF you aren’t sure they are a sociopath, they have already proven they have NO Conscience. Those who have NO conscience are capable of doing Anything and Everything.

And when they show that much of themselves, do NOT depend on winning the lottery that a cop will save you. You must make decisions as if he is completely dangerous. It’s the only way to be sure of making choices that ensure your safety. I think it’s VERY unlikely that murderers “snap”. I’m certain those murderers were merely MASK OFF for the act, then the CON mask back on…. just like Haskell who murdered four children & their parents, and was driving to murder the grandparents when he was captured.

KNOW that ANYONE who shows they have NO HEART is capable of ANYTHING, up to and including MURDER. Safety FIRST!!!

I know in Dallas, Texas that violating Protective Orders/Restraining Orders is a civil matter not criminal. Police officers cannot necessarily enforce a civil matter. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve pulled out hair after hearing “It’s a civil matter” in the last several months. A civil matter is enforced by the Constable’s Office. The Constable cannot enforce a judge’s order without a Writ of Attachment which becomes a Writ of Enforcement for which you have to go to the county courthouse and get the forms filled out – which is easier done with an attorney because they have so many form rules – which you have to have certified by the signed by the Judge and registered with the Clerk’s office. Once you have all of that you take that to the Constable and the Constable enforces the order.

I learned this in dealing with a sociopath cousin who did not return her children after a visitation – she does not have custody of the children. It took 25+ stops in various offices on various floors at our county courthouse to get this form and that signature and that certification with another signature that has to be registered but you need another form which has to be filled out and signed etc., etc. It took an entire day and at the end of the day the judge didn’t want to traumatize the children having the Constables remove them from the Sociopath so we had to wait four more days for a hearing of Habeas Corpus at which she was informed that she had violated the spirit of the Judge’s Temporary Orders and had to return the children that day.

An Order of Protection can be acted on by police but in Texas the violation is still a civil matter not criminal even though a law has been broken. A police officer can arrest someone who is violating an order as long as the order is signed and dated by a judge and doesn’t require another order to deal with it.

I think the bottom line is Jan7 is right. People need to complain LOUDLY to police, Judges, and assorted lawmakers to get processes streamlined and less daunting. There has to be some way to make the system less traumatizing.

Unbelievably horrific experience. Of course it would result in extreme PTSD. PTSD is the worst when the harm comes from someone who is supposed to be a provider, protector, friend, relationship based on love, like a parent or spouse. PTSD tends to be less severe when the harm results from a natural disaster, someone expected to be an enemy (warfare), or a stranger.

Hearing stories like yours made me aware of potential danger from spaths. The last time my ex spath wanted to meet me, I put him off for months with excuses. He wanted to meet me at a park surrounded with woods. I agreed to meet him in the middle of the day in front of a busy Target store. (Besides being safer for me, I figured the meeting would be shorter because it wouldn’t be all that comfortable – he sat on a bench and I stood nearby.)

I’m sad that the post where I shared my nightmare has disappeared. I am sorry if my experience was offensive to another.

Notwhathe said – Only one post was removed in recent months, and there were no comments by you on it. What post are you looking for?

thanks Donna. I have had my identity stolen by the business who did my computer repair. I thought I checked for spyware but I must have missed something…

I don’t know what happened to your nightmare NotWhatHeSaidofMe – I hope this isn’t a problem… I had printed out your nightmare to include in my next training class as an example of how important professionalism and following protocol are in police response. This officer did not follow our protocol. I often use real world examples and yours is powerful.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:
July 11, 2014 at 4:58 pm
I grew up in a world where it was very lowclass to have the police involved, so the one time I turned to the police, I experienced a stunning learning curve: The police do not serve and protect.

Cops have the power to be judge and jury. In my case, the county deputy provided a clear path for my sociopath ex to murder me.

On that day, I was trapped on a country road and an assault began, one that I knew was supposed to be my end. Only a truck driver showed up, he had broken down earlier and so was late with his delivery. A witness. I was able to get away.

I called 911 to report what happened. Even though this was a remote area, the deputy arrived within 15 min. He was hostile to me. I remember being puzzled by that. He wrote in his report that I was “mentally unstable”, that I hit myself, that I had no injuries, that I was the attacker, and that he talked to the other party who graciously agreed to not press charges against me.
I now know I was in shock. By the time the deputy finished interviewing me, my hands were shaking violently, my whole body was shaking. I tried to control my hands. Bruises do not show up immediately, but bruises started appearing within 30 min. I held it together and did not cry until the deputy threw down his notebook and in a voice of disgust, said he would not take a report unless I gave him my address. I told him I was afraid and did not want others to know where I lived. I begged to give a friends address. That’s whey I started crying, I was literally begging to not have to tell my abuser where I lived. He said that he would not take a report that started with a lie. It took three months to get a copy of the report. In the report, he even said he TOLD my ex and his brother and SIL (all were involved in my beating) what I said. They laughed and joked with him, they were calm and relaxed. I was a mess, I knew I had just barely, by an accident of fate, escaped being murdered.

The way the deputy wrote the report, he clearly blamed the “crazy, mentally unstable, estranged wife” for attacking two males/one female (all over 6ft, strong as an ox farmers). Even though all my FACTS were proven true, and I had a witness, and physical evidence, and the email that showed how I believed myself safe to meet my husband (who I thought wanted a quick easy divorce), there was no day in court, no justice. As bad as the assault was, and it was pretty violent, it was the actions, or non-actions of the county deputy that escalated my terror. He taught my sociopath HOW he could get away with my murder.

Do NOT count on police protection. In many cases, they enable Murder. Do NOT count on justice. There is NO such thing as justice. IT happens but it’s rare. (I live in a city where there are 20,000 rape kits unprocessed, if your home is robbed, the report is for insurance and for NOTHING else, they do not pursue thieves. High profile, sensational murders, easily solved are pursued.) The police decide if your assault case is prosecuted. And much can be done to keep it from ever going to court.

You MUST not rely on police protection or court protection. You MUST protect yourself. You MUST not underestimate what these type of personalities are capable of doing. People with NO CONSCIENCE are capable of MURDER. They might not chose to, but they are STILL CAPABLE of it, which makes them Unpredictable.

ME? I learned my lesson. I moved 2500 miles away, and became mostly agoraphobic for nearly three years, going outside only after dark, to/from the grocery store. I had become the fearful, high anxiety ridden, paranoid, isolated person that the deputy said I was. But I wasn’t that kind of person before that day when I called 911.

I read my journals from that time period, and it breaks my heart to read the words of the woman I was for a while. So alone. So afraid. I am so fortunate to have found a path to recovery. I don’t trivialize the enormous recovery I have made. But I also don’t lie to myself. I’m a nobody. And justice is for the somebody’s.
DO NOT trivialize what people who have NO conscience are able to do. BE one of the LUCKY ONES. Get away and make a good life for yourself.

Thank you for the reprint Bets. I didn’t want to imply that I needed to whine, but I did think my experience a HUGE caution flag for women who think they are safe, merely because their partner was never violent to them before. My ex husband never raised a hand to me prior to this. But that day was meant to be my last. The lack of previous violence is NOT a safe enough indicator!

Also, I think law enforcement should interview EVERYONE separately, and NOT TELL anyone what they others have said. And I also found out that I did NOT have to disclose my hiding address to my abuser, by LAW I could have given a CONTACT address. But you probably already know this….

This is the very reason I have to wait 5 years for a divorce, which would not need his permission. I cannot go to court with him. His lies would be believed. He would manipulate everyone and appear the charming poor victim, whilst he would portray me who lost everything to him as a villain.

Most male cops are Sexists/Chauvinists. They have a reputation for abusing their own mates and wives anyway… Many men within the ‘legal’ system are also chauvinists.

Great article HG Beverly.

I can relate in a number of ways – my ex tried to enter my house while the house alarm was on. It went off. The police arrived (I arrived soon after) and I watched the police chat on the front lawn with my ex.

Additionally, a few years later, I had the opportunity to tell my story of the harrassment and stalking and other abuses my ex had heaped upon me and our children when I sued him for Defamation of Character. (It’s very hard to take this kind of suit to trial – It took 3 years of the Discovery process for clusters of judges to agree that I had a case).

When it was my turn to take the witness stand, I told my story to the panel of 6 jurists and the judge. He often tried to cut me off, or to get me to shorten my story (how I wish I could have – I wish there had been less of a story).

Two observations resonated from that experience that have been so valuable:

– People who have never had to deal on a personal level with a sociopath do not understand the nature of this kind of disordered person. It’s impossible to explain unless someone has had a substantial number of incidents with an s’path – to “get it.”

– When dealing with police or the court system as a result of having to deal with an sociopath: Stick to the facts and take the emotion out of it. If we are emotional, we’re calling attention to ourselves, and distracting away from the issues at hand of the sociopath’s behaviors and abuses.

Taking the emotion out of highly charged and painful situations is not easy, but it is an effective way to protect ourselves. I was able to maintain steady eye contact with the judge – and even though he wanted me to be briefer, I re-counted the facts with minimal emotion, and got my story across. The result: My ex had been exposed. Plenty of consequences afterward, but I was true to myself and my children.

We learn to advocate for ourselves and children in ways that work. That’s the up side of dealing with disordered people.

It’s bad enough going through years of abuse. I can’t imagine the trauma of being abused yet again by ‘professionals.’ It’s a pity the only way is silence and let the sociopaths carry on doing their dirty work to other victims.

My heart goes out to everyone here that has similar stories. We grow up thinking the police and the courts will protect us, and we are thrown into PTSD and shock when we actually go to the system for help.

I am so thankful for this site. Every time I feel alone and like no one would believe how the system sets us up for failure, I can come here and see others that have had similar experiences.

My spath played terrible mind games, but honestly, I believe a major part of my PTSD came from the court system. I was so naive. I thought the good guy usually won and that the judge could see through his lies and posturing. My lawyer even told me that my character would shine through.

Not at all. I was raped in that courtroom. My spath had so much fun in the court system that he drug me into court approximately 30 different times, for different things….trying to get me thrown in jail for contempt (at least 3 times, with his walking by while I was waiting for court and whispering…”you’re going to jail”….he got continuance after continuance for the divorce and drug it out 2 years even though we had nothing to fight about. Nothing! And I had to live with him for the 2 years it was being drug on. I don’t know how I survived, but I do know for a while, I had a bit of temporary insanity.

And the courts let him. The courts let him play his games. They encouraged his continuances (more money for the courts and the lawyers, you know?) The judge believed some of his lies (not all, because some were truly outrageous….but she knew he was lying, and she still made decisions based somewhat on his stories.) She even “diagnosed” me in a court decision as passive-aggressive (I’ve had 3 counselors and not one has thought I was passive-aggressive.)

The judge overstepped her boundaries. It is unethical for her to diagnose me with a mental condition without her being my counselor and seeing me on an individual basis (I know this now, as I am studying Social Work/Counseling). I was so terrified of the court system that I would literally shake every time I had to go in and several times left in tears (one time I overheard the judge tell my lawyer to “get your client under control” and I wasn’t crying loud, I just had tears streaming down my face….I believe the judge is a sociopath also. I saw her flirt with the men.

I couldn’t get the case changed because the judge had to release it. It was a nightmare. Our court system is a mess. I am not even sure education will help, because when half of the system and people in power are sociopaths, they aren’t going to care. I don’t know what the answer is.

When I think back to the unbelievable experiences that I had went through with my sociopathic ex, one of the major instances of trauma involved the police. My ex had preplanned all of his behaviors in an effort to drive me from the home. I did not know what he was trying to do until much later. He started a fight in the middle of the night. One way to control me was to make sure that I had no sleep.He had assaulted me and I knew I needed to call the police before he killed me, but I did not get that chance as he made sure to call them first and told them that he had a restraining order against me. When the police arrived they talked to him for half an hour while another cop stood in a hallway as I lay on my bed and he just watched me. I was traumatized and in shock by what I had just experienced. Cop didn’t ask if I was ok. Cop didn’t take any statement from me. Bad cop was outside with the sociopath getting an earful. Bad cop came inside, did not ask questions (I was unable to speak anyways due to the trauma)and proceeded to spit in my face as he was yelling me that I had to leave my home and that there was a restraining order against me….as he is pulling my arm trying to physically remove me from my own home. My ex had literally told them that there was a restraining order but he did not yet have a copy as it was done today. It was all a lie and the cop believed him without any proof! In the end, I did not have to leave because there was no restraining order,but they allowed him to stay in the house.
Basically it went like this. I was asleep. My children were asleep. He started a fight w/me at 2:45 am. By 3:30 am he had already assaulted me and had the cops at the house. By 3:45 an officer is physically trying to drag me from my bed as I was in a state of shock. By 4:15 the police left. Sociopath then proceeds to pretend that nothing had happened!….but still wants me out of the house. He got his wish. I gave up everything just to be rid of him.

EEWWWW! What a nightmare! How did you manage to get the officer to stop assaulting you and leave?

Yes, we victims must resort to saving ourselves as the legal system won’t do it! We must swallow our prides, relinquish all to the sociopath and just get away to save ourselves. Kudos to Tria for realising this!

I have been posting here for awhile but just wanted to tell my story under this column.
No, the police does not protect us. When I confronted my ex about his cheating with a young co worker cop, he became furious. How dare would I find about this. I became emotional, crying and begging him to stop yelling. It was a shock for me after 20 plus years of marriage. Not only was my ex a sociopath,he also was a retired army first seargent and a highly respected sheriffs deputy. And did he abuse his “cop powers ” any way he was able to. That night, he called some if ov his police buddies to have me “baker acted” (in this State being sent to a mental institution against your will for evaluation). I remember being handcuffed, because the ex ordered it. He was laughing with the deputies, calling me names like that “crazy b…..”. All that in front of my 18 year old son, his only child. Also that night he left the family.
The psychatrist on duty recognized right away that I was being “set up” by my ex and I was able to go back home. Nice waste of taxpayers money, the doctor said.
My ex was trying to portray me as this mentally ill woman because he is a cop and he can. Of course his entire department believed him. The fact that he was having sex with this young cop on the same shift was just “overlooked “. They all covered up his lies.
The next vicious thing is did was “getting a temporary injunction ” against me. So I hired a lawyer who got it dismissed in court.
I am not sure what he had planned next but I was one step ahead and my lawyer and I filed the petition for divorce. My lawyer said “the next thing he is cooking up for you, might be criminal , so file for divorce and put an end to it”. Which I did.
So, no cops will stick together, they are easily charmed ,especially the female ones. After all they were and still are my ex husbands little sex minions.
This is where the no contact is so important. He cannot get to me anymore. Even being a cop will not get him any response from me. And no, I don’t set foot in his county. I just never know.

kaya48,
What your husband did to you sickens me. I bet he’s been playing footsies with other women all along. Like my husband, I bet he married you as a “beard”, someone who made him look respectable, and this subterfuge allowed him to have a second life of depravity. Once you found out about his other life, he lost what he needed you for and the smearing began. And like my ex, people knew about the other women and even HELPED my husband cheat because they were jerks also, or they felt sorry for him married to “that crazy woman”(me). But HEY, once we find out the truth, we aren’t so easy to dupe anymore.

Again, my husband had set me up and smeared me so badly that people would have given him a pass if he murdered me. I absolutely believe your attorney, that your husband would have set you up for criminal charges. I remember a story about a woman from Jersey? New York? who was set up completely by her ex, as a prostitute and drug peddler and thief.

I do find much comfort in how you were able to find the one decent attorney in the USA and prevail. BRAVO good woman. You are a prize so when you do connect with a new guy, he’s gotta show/live/demonstrate high standards!

(The common lesson is to never underestimate this personality type, to get away, and to maintain proactive security forever.)

Playing the mentally deranged card seems to be a favorite tactic used by psychopaths. Just before I went NC with both my ex and my 5 children, my youngest son (born 1974!) said the whole family would committ me! Having been alienated from most friends and in a new town, isolated me and made me afraid of what he threatened. A call to my attorney (he just laughed at the very thought) allayed my fears and he advised I go NC with all of them.But this isolation is not to my liking and “friends” believe ll their lies…the truth is just too incomprehensible!

Thank you HGBeverly for posting this article. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I know exactly how you feel…all too well. Recently, I was sitting in a court room after 3 long years of continuance after continuance to hear the judge’s ruling. I choked back tears when the Spath’s lawyer referred to this person as “one of the nicest, most credible people I’ve ever known”. It made me physically sick to hear those words. The court system has contributed mightily to my PTSD. As if the shock and realization that none of our relationship was genuine or true wasn’t enough! Naively, I thought I had the law on my side, and after three years and a boat load of lawyer’s fees, I too have come across the grim reality that our legal system just prolongs the agony and feeds the lawyers. Sadly, after three years, my legal battles with the Spath are only just beginning. I just want my life back!

Agreed, the process is not about what is right, its about who is more believed/believable. I bowed out of what started out to be a costly divorce from the sociopath” financially, emotionally and physically… he had been found guilty in 2 separate hearings (criminal and civil)” but he was the victim” its laughable now, but terrifying at the time to think of going through another year of legal abuse until we were granted a decree” I ended it for peace of mind and to be absolutely NC”. it was worth any penny I “lost.” I actually ended up saving more money bowing out” thanks to Donna and her guidance on determining the “costs” I made the right choice 🙂

Great Post!!! I had a similar situation less then a month ago. The sociopath sent a total stranger to pick up my 19mo old son for his visitation. I refused to hand my son to him. Then few hours later my ex (who had just arrived back in town from a trip) called the police claiming custody interference. A cop called at around 10pm demanding I wake up my baby, get him dressed and ready for father to come pick him up and if I don’t do that I will get arrested. It all seemed too shady to me and I couldn’t believe the rudeness of this cop. I end up calling 911 explaining the situation. Later that evening the cop called apologizing. He asked for the court order. It was so shocking he dared to bully me without even know what the arrangement is. A week later I got an email from the cop asking why is there no specific language that other people cannot pick up my son. I was floored he actually asked that. Again when dealing with psychopaths we have to make sure the orders are very detailed and well spelled out. Unfortunately we rarely have control over that as I have experiencing it recently in my nightmare story with the court system.

ZanaVan
Your child is 19 mos and the cop expected you to be okay with handing your son over to a stranger? I can’t imagine what I’d say! What was your reply to such a ludicrous query?

(I bet he got in trouble for not following procedure and was trying to cover his ass by blaming your court order!)

Hi NotWhatHeSaidofMe,

Thank you for your comment. I just told the cop I would never hand my son to anyone but his father especially not to a total stranger. I need to go get the reports and see what the officer has put in there. And yes you called it right. My sons father constantly messes up or does harmful things. He even didnt bring my son back at all last week. He always blames me, his lawyer, everyone and anyone and of course he is constantly the poor victim. Unfortunately not having a well executed court order could lead to a lot of conflict. I just wish the judges try a little harder. What happens in these child custody cases determines our future.

ZanaVan,

Always ask for copies of any statement or report from the police. In Iowa where I live, when you fill out a statement it’s on duplicate and the second copy is supposed to be given to you. I wasn’t aware of it in the beginning and wasn’t given all of my copies.

Buy yourself a hanging file folder tote and keep every single document in it. Save everything. You will be glad you did.

Thank you IAfraud. Don’t you find it so overwhelming with the documenting and keeping record of everything and anything? I bet you have piles of stuff as I have been going through it for 20 months and I have so much that I don’t even know how to organize it. Here in AZ you can go to the police station records department and get copies of reports of anyone. Police reports are public record. It makes it easy to keep track of other events that may had taken place and might be helpful in court.

It is overwhelming to document every phone call, drive by and incident. Especially when it numbers in the thousands. My documentation and demands that something be done are what finally got him punished though, so it was worth it. I have thousands of documents from incidents that I started in a file folder and now have and overflowing tote of hanging file folders.

If he ever hurts me, which I believe he will, my documents will tell the rest of my story. As will my posts on this web site and others, emails, recordings, copies of court transcripts from trials etc. There is no way he can hurt me and not be caught. The whole history is thoroughly documented and will also show how the judicial system fails to keep families safe. It will also bring to light how the sheriff and his deputies failed my family.

In Iowa court records are also public. I have spent much time and money copying documents at the courthouse that I feel need to be part of the history of my case. I don’t trust them to be there if something does happen to me, so I have made sure there is record outside of that courthouse. I’ve also had hearings transcribed, especially the ones where he and his family members perjured themselves under oath.

I can’t stress enough how important documentation is. Save documents you don’t feel you will need. You may be surprised in the future how important they can become.

Take care.

ZanaVan,

You are so right about specific language.

I have an Order of Protection (OP) against the stalker who pursues my family. He had several charges of violating the OP that we were dealing with back in 2009. When it was time to go to court, I found out that one of the charges was being dismissed. Why? The charge was for him violating the OP against one of my children. I was told that the OP didn’t have my children’s names listed, so they were dismissing it. I was furious. This was a violation against a child and they were dismissing it over a dumb technicality?! What made me even more angry is the first OP had the kids names included, but they were careless when preparing the second one.

Fast forward to a time when they were yet again issuing a renewal of the OP, due to new charges he received. By this time there were close to 40 charges in all, including 5 stalking. I said I wanted my children’s names listed on the new OP. You won’t believe what I was told….the kids didn’t need to be named on the OP because anyone who lives in my home is automatically included in the OP! I was once again furious because now I know that the previous charge shouldn’t have been dismissed.

He will be released from prison all too soon, and I will be demanding that every family member of mine be named on the OP that will be issued. I now have 2 kids gone to college who need to be protected. If they refuse, I will be documenting the situation for future proof of how the judicial system fails families, and especially children.

IAfraud thank you for sharing. All I can say is It sounds like a nightmare. It is very unfortunate that law enforcement and the court system show so much lack of care and not to mention the lack of knowledge or capability to recognize the abuser/criminal. They should be specially trained and educated or at least just follow the procedure and try to do their job. However the sad fact is that there are a lot of laws and three times more loopholes. Plus nowadays the judges care only about the fathers and treat us women like some surrogate animals. I had my own nightmare experience with my OP.
This might be a stupid question but can you move? Now I understand all these lifetime movies of women running away under different names.

ZanaVan,

I have moved to a neighboring county. There is no way I could hide from him. He will always find me since my ex-husband lives in the area and my kids would have to come back to visit their dad. Too many people would know where we are and the stalker would find out. When I changed my phone number it took him 2 weeks to find out my new one and the calls started again. He was seen at the cell phone store trying to convince the salesperson to give him my number. He didn’t get it from them but it was chilling that someone who knew our situation witnessed his desperate attempt to obtain my cell phone number. I think about changing it again, but I know it won’t do any good. It’s a fun challenge for him to get it and show me that I can’t keep it from him.

I don’t think there are any procedures in the county that dealt with my case. The sheriff is corrupt and he and his deputies are inept. When a stalker claims that he is actually having a behind-the-scenes relationship with his victim and that’s what the sheriff and his deputies believe and go along with, there is a serious lack of training involved. The claim of a relationship with the victim is textbook stalker behavior and should not be believed. I proved otherwise repeatedly and they still made the claim. I think it was just a copout since they had no clue how to handle the case. It was and is a complete failure on their part to protect my family. I give them no credit for the fact that I’m alive. I have kept myself alive, along with the help of only one member of law enforcement. That is the Chief of Police in the town I lived in.

It is many institutions that do not believe the victim. I was chased out of the Kenneth Young Mental Health center after I broke up with a guy they all said was great. He turned out to be a sociopath. He stalked me and when I got the court order, the mental health supervisor shoved it back in my hand and said “don’t bring it in here.” As if I were the problem. They did not want to believe me and chased me out of the place. The sociopath even got other people at the center to stalk me. The councilors told my friends not to talk to me anymore. Nobody believed me and were all under the spell of the sociopath. I have to be very careful around a mental health center again. It is similar to domestic violence. I rushed to a domestic violence center for help. The stalking stopped when the court order expired.

Too bad the cops aren’t always mature themselves, so they don’t see past the superficial charm of Mr. Nice SpathGuy. What they fail to know is their HISTORY. And this is something women need to look into. The spath can always forget what didn’t work for him and start over, and over, and over, never learning or caring about his part in it. Good at starting up things, and leaving when it doesn’t go his way, then lying to the next victim.

Reading these stories brings so much back to the surface for me. I had many situations with law enforcement when they pretty much sided with the stalker.

One in particular was when the stalker supposedly wanted to retrieve some things of his from my home. He had his sheriff buddies call me to request that they come to my home that day. I replied that I had my kids and didn’t want them to be there and we could schedule a time when they would be at their dad’s. The female sheriff responded that she would rather get this over with and I should send my kids to the back yard while the stalker was there.

I agreed to let them come, which I regret to this day. Protecting my kids has always been my greatest concern. Two sheriff’s deputies showed up with the stalker, who headed straight to my bedroom and started going through my things, looking for evidence of another man. Finally the deputies told him to quit going through my things and get his stuff or he would have to leave. He continued on and after they told him twice more they finally grabbed him and took him out of my home with his hands behind his back. Unfortunately my kids were there for the whole thing. He had retrieved nothing of his since he wasn’t looking for anything that belonged to him.

To this day I regret that I didn’t stand up for myself and make them come on a different day. I felt that if I made them wait I would have been seen as being impossible and making up excuses not to let him get his things.

The female deputy is the same one who put her arm around the stalker’s mom to comfort her during another situation where I was getting my things from the stalker’s camper. Later I asked since when did his mom become the victim? She had no explanation.

She also followed my sons through town last year after a basketball game when they were driving to their dad’s (the only traffic ticket my son has ever had was from her). They were doing nothing wrong. I received a call from my son, who was being followed by her and was scared. I told him to just drive carefully and don’t speed and she shouldn’t pull him over. She finally quit following them but by then my son was in tears trying to figure out what he did to deserve it. I got off the phone with him, looked in my phone contacts for her number from past issues with stalker. I still had her number so I called her and asked her why she had been following my son, and told her how upset he was. This is one of the few times I’ve raised my voice, but I was outraged. Once again, she had no explanation. I was told later that she likes to follow people to intimidate them.

Last fall my husband and I sold our home and moved our family to a different county. The sheriff in that county and his crony deputies don’t have a clue how to handle domestic violence and stalking situations.

Does anyone know how I would keep my name from showing up in public records? My husband and I will be purchasing a new home. I understand that the sale will show up on the public records site for tax purposes, but I want keep my name off of it. Is that possible?
My sister is in prison currently, and I do not want her to know where I live when she gets out. It’s kind of the point of moving. My husband insists that she wouldn’t know to look there, but she could easily con someone who would. I am going to continue googling for the information, but if anyone here knows or knows where I should start looking that would be awesome. Thank You!

You can put the real estate in a Land Trust, which would be owned by you and your husband. Only the name of the Land Trust is recorded in public records. This is a common method to own real estate anonymously, and it does not cost very much for an attorney to draw up the documents to create the land trust. A friend of mine wanted to remain anonymous when he purchased a piece of real estate and this is what he did. I own some property this way so that my minor son could be a part owner; in my state minors cannot own real estate directly.
There may be other ways, an attorney in your state should be able to advise you.

The 4th Way that Cops Aid and Abet is by their indiscretion. These aren’t the brightest bulbs on the Xmas tree… Their cops; not detectives and they tend to like to talk.

It would never occur to them to do this one appropriate thing: Tell the party who made the complaint privately that there’s nothing they can do, if that be so. (They can’t execute anything without a court order to execute.) Instead, they announce to both parties that their hands are tied… which just fuels the perpetrator. Stupid.

Very sad to read this story and even worse to realize it is true. I am not saying that all of the police force or legal system are pro-psychopath but there is a big lack of understanding of how psychopaths operate and too often, they are believed and their victims are discounted. I find that the courts are already so overwhelmed with crime that if a victim of slander, stalking, or even attempted murder comes into their offices, the police really don’t want to bother even writing up a report. I found the same to be true in the courts. My ex-fiancé who I broke up with 8 months ago has been stalking me, harassing me, and has been on an all out smear campaign, leaving no stone untouched. When he showed up on the doorstep of the new apartment I live in, telling me (which I have on tape) that he “can find me anywhere” I finally took my case to the courts. I told the judge how he had been verbally and emotionally abusive but I left out that he had a history of stalking and breaking restraining orders with other exes because the pro-bono lawyer I had had told me it would sound petty and complaining. My ex-p (ex-p= ex-psychopath) showed in the courts that I had been calling him. He had my name and phone number on his caller ID. The judge said that this was irrefutable evidence that I was engaging with him, and that I needed to leave him alone as well, and she denied my restraining order. I didn’t know at the time about spoof caller ID.

http://www.spoofcard.com/

http://thejournal.com/articles/2009/01/13/caller-id-spoofing-is-there-an-answer.aspx

At the end of the whole ordeal, the judge told us to “just get along and leave each other alone.” Those words were a slap in the face to a woman who had been in fear of her safety for months, had left behind an apartment she loved, and who had to basically rethink her whole life because of this parasite. The day after our court session, my ex-p drove by my house, waved at me when I was leaving, circled around, and waved at me again. He had won.

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