"What you do speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say." Ralph Waldo Emerson was quite accurate with this quote. Anyone who has experienced life with an individual with psychopathic features will likely confirm this as fact, largely because they have so much experience with the imbalance between the two. However, individuals with these features will never admit that this dichotomy exists. Conversely, they will swiftly look elsewhere in an effort to assign blame, pointing the fingers at those around them for other's reactions to their own acts. These individuals will never legitimately take responsibility for what they do or the problems they create, in spite of the words they may ech …
Man v. Mouse: “in sickness and in health,” as long as we are healthy
Life partners often vow to care for one another "til death do us part" and "in sickness and in health." But do these concepts apply to psychopathic partners or those high in psychopathic traits? You guessed it. They do not. If we are involved in a relationship with a psychopath and fall ill, we will see their true colors quickly. We can expect a marked difference between the behaviors exhibited in a real love and psychopathic "love." For if we have nothing to offer, they will not be there for us in our hours of need. It may not be immediate. We may feel secure in the first "hour" or two.  Those feelings, however, will quickly give way to reality. Initially, their words will comfort …
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Dealing with the predictably unpredictable
When in recovery from a relationship with an individual with psychopathic traits, we must plan for the fact that little will go according to any sort of reasonable plan. When dealing with these individuals, one of the most difficult things we must accept is our lack of ability to predict the timing of their surprise attacks. This does not mean that we must live in fear. However, it means that for our own emotional and physical security, we must be aware and ready for almost anything. I learned fairly quickly that if I wanted to thrive, or merely just survive, it was what I had to do. I am not unique in that way. I had to learn to expect the police at my door for unnecessary wellness c …
Our “crazy” friends and associates: discounting us by dismissing them
Those of us who have been in abusive relationships know all too well what it feels like to be discounted. We may have been told that our beliefs are ridiculous, our thoughts off kilter, and been made fun of for having them. We may have encountered ethnic or racial slurs, made by those who should have been the last to utter such words. After all, belittle our very core, the parts of us that we can do nothing about, and we may really turn into putty. We have also probably spent countless hours being ignored, which signals us that we were not worthy of the abuser's time or attention. As a result, over time, even we may begin to question out own judgment, value, and abilities. The list ca …
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The FBI posts on-line dating warning
It should go without saying that there are inherent risks that accompany on-line dating.  However, in our electronic age, this practice has become quite acceptable and commonplace.  I know many people who have met their very decent significant others on dating sites. Regardless, it is always a good idea to be cautious. A few years ago, I decided to try a popular site. I was busy juggling parenting, fighting court battles, attending graduate school, and working. Dating was not a priority, but I thought I'd give it a whirl. It wasn't long before I was matched with the individual I just broke it off with! Initially, I was confused, because while we were together, it did not seem he neede …
When others judge: how we may feel and what we can do to help ourselves
Last week, I experienced a bit of disappointment over an outsider's judgment. Several years ago, I came to terms with the fact that some people will understand what we have been through, and others simply will not. I brought myself to the place where I didn't really care what anyone else felt or thought about my situation. I forgave myself for choosing dysfunction and worked through the host of other issues associated with that choice. Then, I moved forward. Part of my momentum had to do with the fact that I chose to take other's beliefs and thoughts out of the equation. There is a fairly accurate saying about opinions, what they are like, and how everyone has one. So I came to reali …
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Forgiveness
If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone's timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn …
Witnessing a psychopathic interaction: seeing, knowing, and empathizing
Have you ever watched a "psychopathic interaction" taking place and wished you were able to approach the non-psychopath and offer her (or him) all of the knowledge you already have on the subject? I have. Even if you are in the initial phases of learning, the fact that you are here indicates that you have an idea of what is occurring. In the interaction I will highlight, the non-psychopath was, sadly, without a clue. At first, I could not believe what I was seeing. Although, retrospectively, I fail to see what made it unbelievable to me, since I had lived it. Nonetheless, the goings on made me uneasy. I knew just enough about the situation to suspect that psychopathy was at play in t …
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Triggered
I used to wonder exactly what it was that people were talking about when they said that an event or comment triggered them. I had a text book understanding, of course, but could not think of an event that personally triggered me, bringing back overwhelming feelings stemming from past abuses. Recently, however, it happened and I experienced something I never had before. Honestly, I am surprised it took as long as it did. It was not a proud moment, as retrospectively, I can now think of about five different ways that I could have better handled the situation. At the same time, I wouldn't really have changed it because of what it taught me. My reaction was honest, showed me that my prio …
The high price of destruction
While preparing for the holiday season, my children and I like to play Christmas movies as we add our decorative touches throughout the house. This year, I caught a portion of the television movie Snow as we worked. Although I was not paying close attention, the premise is that Santa goes to California to rescue one of his reindeer that somehow ends up in a local zoo. This particular reindeer, Buddy, was not expected to ever be able to fly. Of course, as the movie's climax began, I stopped arranging the garland and candles on the fireplace and sat to watch. Naturally, I hoped that Buddy the reindeer would triumph. As Christmas movies go, he learned to fly just in time to escape the "b …