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Man v. Mouse: “in sickness and in health,” as long as we are healthy

Life partners often vow to care for one another “til death do us part” and “in sickness and in health.”  But do these concepts apply to psychopathic partners or those high in psychopathic traits?  You guessed it.  They do not.  If we are involved in a relationship with a psychopath and fall ill, we will see their true colors quickly.  We can expect a marked difference between the behaviors exhibited in a real love and psychopathic “love.”  For if we have nothing to offer, they will not be there for us in our hours of need.

It may not be immediate.  We may feel secure in the first “hour” or two.  Those feelings, however, will quickly give way to reality.  Initially, their words will comfort us.  We will likely believe them when they tell us that they will take care of everything, even if our past experiences have taught us othrwise.  They tend to sound genuine and their displays of affection look real; at least real enough.  This will not last long, however.  Their empty words will lead to broken promises.  We will come to recognize that they are not the words and actions of “men” (or “women,”) but mice.

Fortunately, my mother did not marry a psychopath

In recent years, my mother’s health has been failing.  She is suffering from a degenerative neurological condition, which has now left her trapped in her own body.  It is an uncommon condition that remains somewhat of a medical mystery.  Onset seems to occur late-fifties to mid-sixties, the age that has the potential to be the best years of one’s life.  It’s symptoms and limitations are similar to those of ALS and first symptom to death is typically about seven to ten years.

Fortunately, my mother did not marry a psychopath.  My father has been by her side throughout.  In the beginning, they laughed together, as she began having trouble writing her name.  She just retired from almost thirty years of teaching and we joked that she was truly just “done” working.  Seemingly benign at onset, the lighter mood continued when she would occasionally fall, blaming a simple lack of grace.  No one realized these were the sneaky symptoms of this horrible condition.  In time, however, they became hard to ignore.

At first, things deteriorated slowly.  Now, her body has completely betrayed her.  She is pain and discomfort from very high muscle tone.  This requires medication and frequent massage and exercise.  She is able to eat, but very little, as the swallow and gag reflexes continue to deteriorate.  It takes several hours a day to feed her and communication is next to impossible, as she has lost most of her ability to speak and operate the speech program on her iPad.

Through it all, my father has been by her side.  He cares for her in every way imaginable and has been doing so for years.  Earlier, he held her side so that she could walk.  Now, he essentially walks for her.  At one point, he cut her food into small enough pieces so that she could eat with her “good” hand.  Now, he smashes the food and thickens her drinks so he can spoon feed her the liquid to prevent choking.  He wakes with her several times a night to tend to her, sleeping near her new hospital bed since she is not able to move to adjust herself.

She is braving this with grace, but he is a hero for all that he does.  Very few are able to understand the amount of selflessness one needs in order to get through something like this.  The neurologist recently told them that she rarely sees patients cared for with so much love and attention.  The other patients do not have my father as their caregivers; a “man.”

Imagine this scenario with a psychopath

These recent events have caused me to consider what would happen if this situation occurred with a psychopathic partner.  If the individual chose to stay near us in physical proximity, there would be no care or support involved.  In fact, we could expect some form of abuse or neglect, which could lead to serious complications or death.  One of the only reasons a psychopathic individual might choose to stay, would be if a significant potential payoff existed.  Sad, but true.

Think about your experience with the individual who brought you here.  Were you ever sick or did you require care?  Did you receive that care?  If so, was it for an extended period of time?  Probably not.  These individuals are notorious for being intolerant of any type of illness in those close to them.  Why?  They do not want our illnesses to get in their way or stifle their fun.  This extends to any additional responsibilities our situations may create.  They simply don’t want to be bothered and really do not care about anyone else’s well being.

You may feel confused because the behavior is not consistent with an individual who loves you as may be the claim.  While it may be natural for partners in care giving positions, whether short or long term, to tire or need to nurture their emotional health, it is not normal to meet with constant annoyance and anger toward the one who is not well.

Even Stranger

Further, we may find that they become oddly jealous of the attention we receive.  They cannot be the center of attention if our issue is currently in the forefront.  Since this is not a position we want to be in, we may also become sad or depressed.  In turn, this drives their assertions about our emotional “states,” which they utilize to gain outside sympathy.  Who would have thought that being sick or encountering a complicated pregnancy could be so complex?  As if the physical concerns are not enough, we have to still cover ourselves from their disordered actions.

I recall a time when I was told that I would not be able to do my normal activities for several months.  I was content thinking that all would be well.  After all, I was told that things would be taken care of for as long as I needed them to be.  I didn’t realize that I would be looked at in disgust a mere three days later and interrogated as to when I planned to “get up off my a_ _.”

As with everything else that occurred, I was hurt and looked to the individual for answers.  Why the cruelty?  Was there an understanding of the severity of what was wrong and exactly what was at risk if I did not comply?  I felt as though I was being teased and taunted to get up; almost forced since nothing that needed to be done was getting done.  I could not comprehend why we were not on the same page.  Try to resist looking to them for answers.  You will not find them.  Conversely, you will be left worse off.

As mentioned, it is entirely possible that they may not even recognize the gravity of a situation.  Although, I believe they usually do and just don’t care.  However, this is not an excuse.  This occurs frequently with children of parents with psychopathic traits.  The parent cannot and will not address a need if they are not able or choose not to recognize it.  Frequently, they do not.  Unfortunately, this is often to the detriment of the child, again, with serious or deadly consequences.

Reverse expectations

While attached to individuals with such features, we should hope we stay well.  Our lives may depend on it.  Oddly, they would expect us to be at their beck and call if the tables were turned and treat us miserably if we were not.  Somehow, unafraid of what would become of them upon our departures.  Yet, if we remain entrapped, they know we would be there.  Therein lies the difference between normal love and commitment verses theirs.  Therein lies the differences between the actions of the “man” v. the “mouse.”


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43 Comments on "Man v. Mouse: “in sickness and in health,” as long as we are healthy"

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Linda,

This is so very true of how they react when we’re needing extra care or if they need extra care. If they are sick, we better be there spoon feeding them chicken noodle soup. If we are sick, we are a hindrance, a pain in the neck.

I had surgery about 12 years ago and I got really sick from the pain medication, I couldn’t tolerate it. I ended up in the ER needing a blood transfusion because I couldn’t heal properly with all the throwing up. The sociopath husband told me that my doctor said I was being a baby. He didn’t want to tell me but thought I should know. B.S. I have never heard of a doctor calling a patient a “baby”. It’s the sociopath who made it up because he was soooo put out that I needed extra care.

Of course, typical of a sociopath hiding behind a mask, it wasn’t him who said it. He ALWAYS wanted to be thought of as the good guy. It’s so toxic to the Psyche to be entangled with a sociopath.

My mother died of leukemia at 50, when I was 19. My psycho stepfather openly continued (while denying) an affair with his secretary, as Mom struggled with her disease. She died feeling abandoned, betrayed, and scared for us kids. At the time of her death, she’d been married to stepfather for 10 years and been successfully fighting cancer for 5.
Mom died in a hospital while stepfather was visiting a friend, I believe she actually passed away in my then-21YO sister’s arms while I was calling stepfather to get back to hospital. On arriving back, my sister and I told him Mom had died — and I swear, it was as though she had been hit by a bus. “WHAT?!!” “WHAT?!!” I will never forget his sobbing in surprise as though the woman had been the victim of a sudden accident.
Also unforgettable: on the way home from the hospital, my stepfather told my sister she’d have to move someplace because her mother was dead — so she should find a new father now. As he put it, “the neighbors would think it strange, that she’d live there alone with her father, now that her mother is dead.” HUH?!
These people really are not hooked up. That’s why it’s a really good idea to stay away from them. My sister is 63 now and you can bet she never recovered, nor will my dear children from their own lunatic father — whom I obviously married in a subconscious replication of Mom’s experience.

I was so surprised to see an article like this today. It is amazing how I needed it…even though I am not sure how I need it completely.

I am very scared right now. I am not the sick one. He is. And I have to decide if I should let him (we are not married. We are ex-boy/girlfriends and now just “friends” and room mates) come back here after he gets out of the hospital after final radiation treatment for bone cancer which they think they have gotten out of there. I am poor and have been lucky in that I have a garage apartment I have rented for decades that pays most of my mortgage. Without that income, I would lose my home. It is separate. He can’t get into my house unless I let him.

I broke up with him years ago, when he lived in that apartment before while he attended school. He was a problem back then, but mowed my lawn, watched TV with me, paid rent, was a decent sounding board, etc. However, not true boyfriend material. I had a job I enjoyed and really was pretty apathetic about ever finding a true partner.

He began calling me again in 2006 when I was married to a problem person. Not a Sociopath. Just the wrong person for me. I had been through a trauma at work and developed PTSD and married quickly…not myself at all. That marriage did not work out, but we still try to help each other when we can. The ex-husband does not know the ex-boyfriend is living in the apartment. I have felt so much guilt and shame over this, but I have no intimate relationship with either of these men other than emotional at different levels. I am ill and agoraphobic because the trauma that created my PTSD was prolonged, severe, and very serious. I was always the helpmate to everyone…family and these men…but now I need help. I tried to rent out the apartment after a really great person left in 2010. I live in a small town and the choices were slim. The applicants I was getting were not feasible. IE: One of them proudly announced on his FB page that he was the “best Nazi tatoo artist in the nation” which terrified me. So I contacted the spath and asked him if he wanted to move back into the apartment as I needed the money and I felt better with someone I knew. He said he would and then he began having problem after problem. He finally got a VA disability pension after a heart attack and losing one kidney to cancer. He gave me 4,000.00! I couldn’t believe it….but we all know it was the hook. He tried to get it back after he moved in and I told him I had to pay back payments on my mortgage because I was behind. I really have it stashed for emergencies. Within two weeks of his moving in, I realized he was worse than before. He wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend again and told me how much he loved me…the usual. I really believed him. Then I began researching and found he had cheated on me the last time we were together. I changed my mind. I found that my ex-husband was better to me. Not great. But better…and we like the same movies, he enjoys talking on the phone, just a better person and not a spath. I had seen signs before the spath moved in and told him I was remaining friends with my ex-husband to which he agreed. What a mess. If you knew me 10 years ago, you never have guessed I would get myself into this kind of a mess. But, I have ten years to get my home paid for and I won’t be poor any more.

The spath is considered homeless by the VA. They are arranging to get him to special housing. He wants to come back here and keep paying me. This would mean that I would be able to keep paying my mortgage and eat my special, gluten free diet I have to be on. I want him to come back because I want his money. I know it sounds terrible and like I am the spath, but I’m not. I just figured out that I have to take care of myself. No one else is going to take care of me. I have no children. I only have my home to live in. It is in no shape to sell or I would. Even the money he gave me wouldn’t be enough to repair everything and sell it. I will have to wait until I pay it off.

If I stay away from the spath, it EASY money. He has no car. All I would have to do is go get his groceries each month, tidy up the place and he is happy with his cable and porn. Through this site and reading various books over the last few months, I have found that I don’t love him. That there is a sad need I have had because he is narcissistic like my father although I don’t believe my father is a full blown spath. The spath has to walk with a walker. He can only hurt me if I let him. And he pays much more than a stranger. He also uses a gas heater which most people hate, so if I get rid of him, I immediately have to go get a new electric unit and have it installed.

I talked to the VA social worker for housing today and he told me that now the spath can ask to be put back on the homeless housing list at any time and be placed within two months. That means if he needs caregiving which I am not healthy enough to give because I could not lift him in and out of a wheelchair, I would only have to wait a couple of months to get him out. Or if he has his next heart attack, I can say no at that time.

I know this is a rambling, ridiculous comment. But, I have to let this out to people who know exactly what I am talking about. I think I will end up saying yes because I need the money. For the first time in my life, I am wanting to do something for my own survival. It’s what he wants because in the VA housing he would have to have counseling (has had years of VA counseling and it will never work as we all know) and people checking his apartment and with me, it’s one person checking on him here and there and he has no connection to my address other than we tell them that he is driven by another friend to my home for VA medical appt pickups. He uses a PO Box. I CAN stay away from him. Before he broke his leg and they discovered the cancer, I was already happily in my place by myself. I had stopped wondering about whether he was contacting other women/men or whatever all he does…which is a lot. I just thought, “he is old and sick and no one wants him any more…including me” and I NEED THE MONEY and the comfort of not having to live with complete strangers. All my heating/air conditioning, electrical, etc. is in that room. With him here, I call the repair person and it’s no worries. With a stranger, I have to contact them and let them know something is broken in my part of the house and it is nervewracking. I would appreciate any comments…especially from people whom have chosen to stay with one….or in contact with one living in a separate area. Thank you all. This place is a safe haven and has helped me so much.

FightForWhatsRight – I hear you ! I’ll post my own history on this topic of “fair weather friend” later. Anyway – sounds like you are thinking straight about every facet of your situation. Maybe better the incapacitated devil that you know than one you don’t know. Think about whether you trust him to really, really get the $$ for rent from him. Still – I hope you practice meticulous self care whatever you decide to do. Hugs to you.

Dear Fight:
I’m concerned that a complete stranger may be less hazardous to you than the devil you already know since it’s unlikely you’ll treat the stranger the same or be damaged emotionally if it doesn’t work out (read: potentially having the sheriff throw him out or heaven forbid, having him undergo a health crisis you’re not equipped to manage).
It’s not as though the VA won’t take care of him — or that you won’t find another tenant. Possibly you should bet on the Positive and plan to credit-check another, permanent tenant, for whom you’re willing to reduce the rent in exchange for occasional assistance (or whatever).

Fight, please let me (gently) add that you didn’t marry this person and should contemplate whether he would care for you in the same circumstance. Naturally anybody we know who’s ill deserves our care and attention, but does he feel the same?
Please read these words as though I wrote them myself in a letter to you asking for your advice:
I am thinking of letting someone move in with me in order to save money. The person is seriously ill, has no car, and I’m the only one who will be available to take care of him assuming beer and porn do not heal him on their own.
What would you tell me, Fight?

It’s hard for me to get time lately to read and this article is greatly appreciated – another validation of personal experiences. Whew – so here’s my story – it’s decades in the past but still a gaping wound so it’s a relief to have the opportunity to put this out there. I have never told anyone this – that shame core again.

My first 2 years of marriage were a nightmare that I would rather forget. I had a serious health problem that went undiagnosed for far too long. Not my fault – not my making – still it’s hard to forgive myself for being “too needy.” After marrying and moving in with the spath far away from my own family, I discovered I no longer had permission to do my self care. Although I didn’t know what the issue was, I got lots of sleep, ate as clean as I could afford and honored my natural rhythm of being up early in the morning.

All that disappeared within a week of moving in with him. I don’t have to iterate all the craziness here – you already understand (bless you) – the demands for late night partying, weird sex, junk food frenzies, accusations of how I meant to bring him down – yada, yada, yada. I was raised by a spath mother to minimize my needs and be chronically exhausted. The only years I felt good were the years I lived alone and had my own rhythm – even then I was made to feel that I was “selfish” and I still fight that belief about myself.

Anyway – when my self care evaporated against his demands, I spiralled down to the point where even though I lived in the same house, he ignored me, did not provide food, brought in another woman to live with us whom he had an affair with while reminding me how “cold” I was. Outrageous but I blamed myself and was really scared of dying – which in hindsight really could have happened. Of course he ended up losing his job and moving while expecting me to stay behind and sell the house. All within 2 years of marriage.

I had no idea what I was up against and that everything about him and my mother were lies. I was too ashamed to admit “failure” in my marriage and so I stayed and lied to all my family about how wonderful things were goingn – they were far enough away that I could lie and get away with it. Somehow words are not adequate to express my anguish and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. I’ve always done the “heavy lifting” in the marriage and hindsight shows me that the nanosecond I am not providing every need and being “cheerful” about it, that is when I am slammed. Not a way to live.

I think the sad part for me is that when I was finally correctly diagnosed, I was able to feel so much better. Hard to accept the long road when I was chronically sick and rejected by everyone.

This must have been really hard for me – I’m shaking as I type. Thanks for being here.

Thank you Opal, take care. I relate completely to your observation that if you were not submitting cheerfully to every infantile or deviant demand the punishment would begin a nanosecond later. Freezing silences , sleep deprivation, and much worse. Onward we go Opal.

Oh – Colorado Kathy – awesome posts and such great ideas. Sorry I am so ignorant – –

Take care Fighter

YOU?! “IGNORANT”?!!! LOL, please advise me, OpalRose.
I am only good at giving advice … like Alice in Wonderland, very seldom follow it.
You would be so mad at me, if only you knew what a weeny I have been for so many years — for a man who ended up treating me like garbage.
We’re all in this together.
Your poster name is an important one in my family, OpalRose. How did you choose it?

yep – I’m Alice in Wonderland too – I am a weeny with 31 years of marriage….bless your heart for being so nice to me just now in your post.

Opal is my favorite Aunt’s name and Rose is a variation of my real name. Thinking of Aunt Opal gives me strength – she left an abusive husband and was great support to my father (her brother) during his last years.

Important name in your family – that’s cool. Really cool. It’s also the name of an author who writes self help books – I found that out by someone asking me about my bibliography – so I googled and found this authoress. Not me. 🙂

Linda:

Excellent article. I am so sorry about your mother’s condition, having lost an aunt on my mother’s side to ALS and an uncle on my father’s side to muscular dystrophy.

But, recently I’ve had the opportunity to think a lot about the point you made in this article. Two months ago I had my retina, macula and blood vessels detach from one of my eyes. It has been a very rough recovery. I’ve only started to regain the vision in my eye. And, as you can imagine, not only have I been scared of the vision not returning to that eye, but I’ve been terrified of losing the vision in the other eye.

My partner, who I met after my S-ex (and who finally got a job where I live (after commuting back and forth 3 years) has been a God-send throughout the whole hellish experience. He has tolerated everything from my falling upstairs and tripping over curbs to my missing the glass while I attempt to pour something into it (don’t even ask about his having to tie me face down to the headboard each night because I had to sleep that way to keep the gas bubble in my eye pressing against the retina).

Seriously, though, he has been my rock when I would wake up absolutely terrified about losing my vision entirely and during my bad days and pity parties. During the moments when I was alone with my thoughts I thought back on the various S-exs in my life, including my parents, and realized that not one of them would be there for me in a situation like this. Oddly enough, one of those S-exs crawled out of his hole and contacted me shortly after this happened. When I told him what was going on – you guessed it — radio silence. Trust me when I say you can’t buy the peace of mind having a partner like mine or your father in your life at a time like this.

Once again, a great article.

Once again, thank you for a great article. It resonated on a personal level.

fightsforwhatsright,
What I have to tell you,goes right along with what Linda says in her article.It is another of my reasons for leaving my husband.I knew I was fighting a losing battle.My husband didn’t love me;nor did I love him.He was only keeping me around to take care of him.My health had never been good,and he knew that!My health just kept deteriorating.He didn’t try to make things easier for me!He gained weight.When our daughter,who is a nurse,made arrangements for home health care,he “blew” that.I got to the point that I didn’t know if I would live or die…just about didn’t care.Because my life had become nothing but a miserable existance;I wouldn’t call that life.I have lumbar spinal stenosis/2 herniated discs….and yet he STILL EXPECTED me to lift his bariatric wheelchair in & out of our vehicle and push him everywhere.Yet,I KNEW he’d NEVER take care of me…and there’s a good chance that I will need care at some time!

I was bitten by a brown recluse spider, I had wanted to spray for spiders but He, my ex-husband the spath did not want the house to smell of chemicals and irritate his sinuses.

He was snoring and I did not want to wake him up and I knew he needed rest for work, so I decided to sleep in the spare room on an inflatable camp bed I set up. I was bitten during the night I never felt it. I discovered the bite when I woke up, the area surrounding the bite was very red and hot to the touch, but it was small so I didn’t think much about it.

The area around the bite began to expand, I explained what had happened to my now ex-husband and he didn’t seem very interested he didn’t even ask me if it hurt. He just looked at it and went back to nonchalantly surfing the internet and playing online video games as he did every night. Although I didn’t realize it the bite had also given me a MRSA infection that spread very rapidly and my body had a bad reaction to the venom. I got very sick that night, with symptoms like the flu and I was shivering all night but my ex-husband ignored me, never once even asking me if I was okay he just slept. The flu like symptoms went away by the morning and I figured it wasn’t a big deal.

I was talking to an online gaming friend, who was a nurse, I told him that the bite area was growing and it was very hot. I explained all my symptoms, since he is a nurse I asked him what he thought. He told me it sounded serious and I needed to go to the ER. I still waited and put alcohol on it as it started itching and I was using rubbing alcohol to relieve the itching. The red area had spread to cover most of my upper thigh when I decided the alcohol and ice packs were not doing anything. I went online and asked my friend for advice again, he was very concerned and told me to go to the ER immediately.

I was very lucky if I would have waited just a couple of days after the bite the MRSA infection could have caused organ damage or even killed me by spreading to my blood stream or the venom could have started to cause necrosis. Our online gaming friend might have saved my life when he talked me into going to the hospital. I almost did not go because I did not want to trouble my ex-husband, I felt very guilty asking him to take me to the hospital.

They gave me IV antibiotics and told him I had done the right thing in coming in, they made a follow up with my doctor for antibiotics. The follow up oral antibiotics were ineffective and the infection continued to spread rapidly. I was told that if the infection did not respond in two days I would have to be hospitalized. After two days the infection continued to spread and I had to be admitted to the hospital. I had a very severe MRSA infection, the hospital staff told me it was the worst case they had seen that year. I was given the treatment of last resort. They had to bring in an infectious disease specialist and get permission to use the antibiotic, as it was dangerous.

The staff was very attentive and since it was a catholic hospital I expected to be visited by the clergy, but I wondered why they kept praying over me every day. I could have died; although I’m young the infection had spread to my blood.
As I explained the antibiotic used to treat such a resistant MRSA infection is also dangerous, and can have very bad side effects. It had to be administered very slowly and I was monitored constantly. The antibiotic is also painful, causing a burning sensation in the veins it also scarred me at the IV site it was so powerful. It made me feel sick as well, I was vomiting frequently and I had severe headaches. It was like three solid days of continuous torture, every morning at around 3:30 to 4 am they drew blood so the tests would be available for the doctor first thing as he came in. I got very little sleep as I was awakened to have my vitals checked, to be given the antibiotic three times a day and then to have blood drawn.

I was a bit scared because the antibiotic they used on me is so restricted there had to be special permission to use it. I was in that much danger, they had to use the treatment of last resort, the strongest antibiotic possible. The side effects were hell and I was lonely, scarred and miserable but I never complained about it when my ex-husband would show up to visit me. Even though the stay in the hospital was agony; I never had more than 4 to 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and the antibiotic burned so bad it was like two to three hour torture sessions, I didn’t want to seem needy so I just tried to be bright and cheerful so he would come and stay with me for a while. I didn’t want him to feel burdened or unduly put out by visiting me.

We had recently moved to town I did not know anybody, except for one friend who was the boyfriend of a good friend in our hometown. My ex-husband did not tell our only friend I was in the hospital; he told our mutual friend who was the man’s girlfriend so she told him. That man came and stayed with me for four hours one day and talked to me easing the loneliness and isolation I felt. I am still grateful to him to this day for his kindness. My ex-husband did come every day but he did not stay more than two to three hours ”“ and he seemed bored and didn’t talk to me or ask how I was doing. I made a mental note of that because the nursing staff asked me where my husband was each day and they seemed puzzled by his absence. I made excuses and explained he was working a lot and couldn’t come very often – I did not want them to think badly of his lack of attention.

On the fourth day the doctor happily announced said I could be released, they came in very early in the morning to tell me the good news. They knew how hard the ordeal had been on me and that I was exhausted and wanted to rest. The doctor and administrative staff person said they would get me out right away, they just needed one signature and that the doctor had already signed off on my release. He also advised me that I should call someone to pick me up as I would be ready to leave very soon. I got dressed and quickly packed my things and called my ex-husband right away I was so happy to be going home ”“ it was around 8 am.

My ex-husband came to the hospital but the paperwork was not completed, he arrived about ten minutes following my call. When he arrived at the hospital he called my room from his car and asked where I was since I was not outside, I didn’t know he expected me to be at the curb. I told him I was still in my room; I was waiting on the papers to be processed. I explained I was told it wasn’t going to be very long before they had them for me and they would get them out as soon as possible. My ex-husband sounded very irritated and he came to my room. My ex-husband worked until one o’clock in the morning and he berated me on the phone that he was upset his sleep was interrupted by my call when I should have been more considerate and waited to call him. He looked very angry when he entered but he was silent as the nurse was in the room. Then as soon as no one was in my room he started yelling at me that I should have waited to call him when I had the signed paperwork in hand. I should have been waiting at the curb so he didn’t have to come up and wait for me. He was yelling very loud and made me ask the nurse how long it would be until they finished the paperwork. I called and the nurse came in, she looked embarrassed and when I asked her how long it was going to be until they were done she said she would get it right then as it was all signed and ready they were just doing a shift change and didn’t bring it to me until they had completed the change. I didn’t cry, but I wanted too. I apologized and said he was right I was very sorry to be so inconsiderate, I tried to explain I was so tired and I thought we could go home and sleep. I had seen him get up after less sleep and do things for other people, I didn’t think it would be such a problem.

He was so resentful he had to come into the hospital and wait for me that he couldn’t contain it. It took less than 30 minutes to get the paperwork completed and the staff was very efficient. My ex-husband was visibly upset and the staff saw it clearly. I was so humiliated I could not even make eye contact with the woman at the discharge area, but I saw the look she gave me ”“ it was of open pity. I could have died from shame. I saw how the staff was looking at me with such concern and confusion it was unmistakable they felt so sorry for me. I hate being pitied more than anything.

He got mad at me after I could have died, my infection was so serious they put me in the hospital and used the last resort medication and he was mad at me after I hadn’t even fully recovered. He was not happy I was out of danger; he got upset when I was discharged because it inconvenienced him. I could have died and he was upset at me for wanting him to get me out of the hospital as soon as possible. I COULD HAVE DIED AND HE YELLED AT ME IN THE HOSPITAL.

I didn’t feel glad I was going home all I felt was guilt that I called to early and woke him up. I was so mad at myself – I felt horrible that I woke him up after facing a life threatening infection. What if I waited even a couple of days to go to the hospital ”“ I was told it could have been too late to prevent possible organ damage even if I had just waited a day. My life was in danger and he yelled at me, he didn’t feel relief or happiness that I was over the danger, he yelled at me ”“ he told me how inconsiderate I was for waking him up. He would continue to remind me of my lack of concern for him and my selfishness over the next couple months. More than once I would beg forgiveness and promise I would be more considerate and less needy in the future. I wished I would have just waited and died the emotional pain was so great I couldn’t bear the pain. I prayed for god to take me and have mercy on me by letting me die.

I couldn’t take the pain of knowing my husband didn’t care that I could have died. He wanted me to wait outside on the curb after I had such an ordeal so he didn’t have to walk into the hospital to get me. How does it feel to know your life is less important than being inconvenienced for one morning? It took months for that infection to fully heal. I was made to feel so horrible when I wanted to go home and finally sleep. That is how little I mean to him.

I wondered how bad a person has to be to have someone yell at them when they get out of the hospital. I felt I must be such a worthless human being to merit that treatment.

I now know why he acted the way he did that day. It makes sense now. That was the beginning of the end of my 12 year marriage. I left to return to our home town less than a month after that and I began the process of disconnecting from him. It took months but that was a watershed moment when I could rationalize his behavior.
It still hurts but I no longer feel shame, because I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of he should feel remorse

Matt, my highschool BF had some of the very first surgical repairs of retinal detachment here in America. Beginning in 1965 or so, when he was 15, he underwent a series of treatments beginning with dozens of hand-sutures (he was effectively blind in both eyes and hospitalized for a period of time, during which the eyes were to heal). After that failed, the repair was by isotope freezing, naturally this was much less time-consuming but also eventually failed. Finally, in a literally groundbreaking procedure, he received a laser treatment that as I say, was among the first in the country. I wasn’t old enough to drive so Mom had to take me to the hospital to visit him. Like most mothers, she wasn’t enthused to be “wasting time” at this and didn’t understand how vital the surgery was or how profoundly expert the surgeon had to be to accomplish it…until she noticed he was speaking German!
David “looks” fine now from both sides, and almost 50 years have passed. He suffered a severe dual detachment after accidentally pulling the garage door down on his head, and like you was naturally concerned about his future sight — but not only has this initial foray worked out, the procedure has since been perfected many times over and used with success zillions of times. I’m sure there are options available now that make the treatments he received seem primitive in comparison.
Hope you feel better soon, try not to stress out.

Golly, Gez, you DID get bitten by a spider — AND an eight-legged crawly thing.
My giant spider did the same thing: I was washing dishes and broke a cup. Dove hand into water, directly into broken lid of cup. Brought hand out of water, could see bone inside finger.
Husband accused me of “doing it on purpose” — to bother him. You know: he had been sleeping/passed out/mentally masturbating/whatever, how dare I bother him by bleeding?!
Note of precaution: the cut got infected, dr said we should all wear gloves while washing dishes, as cuts are readily infected by greasy dishwater.
Thank heaven you survived bites by both creeps, what an ordeal you endured.

Thank you ColoradoKathy. Its hard for me to share these events, they cause me so much shame, but I’m getting better. I can totally relate to the you are doing this on purpose attitude. Yea cause cutting yourself to the bone is so worth the satisfaction of bothering him. Thanks for the gloves tip – I will do that from now on. I’m so grateful for websites like this and people who share what happened to them – I know I’m not alone and I hope others will also be able to heal by knowing they are not the crazy one.

Thank you Linda,
I am sorry to hear about your Mother’s condition, at same time…what a blessing that she has such TLC from a truly dedicated and compassionate spouse.
There is no doubt that if anyone of us were to experience faltering health, a spath would let us “fall” and suffer, unless there was something for them to be gained by caring for us.
In the year plus I spent with a spath, several moments of “tells” occured that involved this concept of love through action when our mate becomes ill.
He had a mini-stroke early on in our relationship. I encouraged him to seek medical treatment and tried to be supportive. I expressed concern when he chose not to seek medical care for several days, and offered to go along if he wanted the company. He turned out to be fine.
It did not follow that he showed compassion for me when I became sick with a cold or flu during our time together. I got the predator stare the first time I became sick while with him. We were on a business trip, and he had arranged for me to meet one of his biggest clients. I awoke that morn with a high fever and chills. It was obvious I was not going to be able to attend the business lunch he had that day. He gave me a chilling look when I told him I could not go. Something inside me knew that he cared more about his plan of introduction of me to clients than my being ill and how I feel. I was left in the lobby to wait for his business lunch to end, which I understood. Why put me up in a hotel for $100+ when I may only need the comfort of the room and bed for a few hours. Instincts again ignored. It is true that they only want the fun, shallow part of a relationship. God help us if we become ill in their presense.

Blue

All of the comments here helped me very much. I feel so bad for all of the sorrow and illnesses. My ex-husband has spinal stenosis and it is devastatingly painful. We are not perfect for each other and couldn’t be married. He is not a sociopath, but can turn ugly in a moment and not good for me. It sounds strange, but it helps me to see I am not alone. Everyone is ill and everyone has been abused here. I wish there were no such things as disease and abuse, but there are, and it takes away some of he isolation when we share it here.

I don’t have a good memory, but I think Opal and Lucky spoke out to me and I truly appreciate it. You are both right in many ways. I appreciated the raw honesty admitting that we can see it when others should stop themselves and get away, but we have our own reasons why we won’t/can’t.

I did end up talking to the Social Worker at the VA for a few minutes and was told that the room mate can call them any time now that he is in the system and get an apartment within two months. I have the Social Worker’s phone number and email address. I will definitely get paid as he is on a VA pension. THAT was a big motivator in letting him live here. A permanent steady income. I told the socio tonight that he could come back here, but that my ex-husband was really a much better person and friend to me and if the room mate’s illnesses progressed or something new happened, he would have to get back on the housing list. He agreed. He, of course, said his reason for wanting to come back is because he wants to stay with me because he misses me. After questioning the Social Worker, I believe he wants to stay with me because he would be forced to follow specific rules and have to have counseling every month for the rest of his life in their housing. I just couldn’t give up all of that extra money. And, as I said in my long, long post you were all kind enough to read, I do have leverage. He is in a separate space from me and has no key to mine. He can’t go anywhere unless I take him. He can’t even get food. If I want him out and I tell him to call the VA and get back on the list for their housing, he would be pretty ignorant not to do it as he would have no groceries if I don’t get them. I am a little baffled by one thing. His rent and amenities and even food would be a lot less than what he pays me. I really did start overcharging him when I saw things going downhill. I’m sure there is something I’m missing because I always felt like he would rather have money to blow on his junk food or cigarettes than stay here. We will see. I have begun, over the last few months, to try to just “view” him as a “research subject.” Now that I understand he isn’t really capable of love, I don’t long for it the way I have before. He is becoming the shriveled up old man he deserves to be. I honestly don’t have anything else to do. Even before he came back into my life, I just stayed home, watched movies, and looked forward to getting my house paid off. I know it is toxic to the point I allow it to be. But, I decided for the money and what I know rather than to begin the search again. I have had some sociopaths live there before. It has been scary…especially in the old days with no internet to check them out. There were three that were so awful, I made up stories to get them out and gave them more money back than I owed them to get them out. He honestly can’t move to fast with that walker and I really have reached a point where being around him just doesn’t have the “addictive” thrill it had before. I see him. I am out of denial. I KNOW he can’t love. I need money and he wants to live here. I am weenie, too! But, a weenie who is going to get this house paid off by a sociopath! Thanks again for this article today and for comments to let me know I’m not alone.

fightforwhatsright,
I’m relieved you’re talking to the VA and have things in place in case things progress and you can’t take care of the workload!I decided to do a search and found this great article: http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/28/saying-yes-without-reading-the-small-print/

Although I never expected things to work out the way they did,with my husband staying in the nursing home,I must admit,I’m relieved.It is what’s best for the both of us.Caring for a person you love and respect can be very hard and take a big toll on your health.But when that person is a spath and you’ve lost all love and respect for them,and your own health has suffered because of their lack of empathy,caregiving becomes a real hazard!

Gez,
How I could feel for you going through your ordeal;although mine wasn’t as traumatic,my husband showed the same kind of attitude!

The first time I saw that attitude surface,was at the birth of our first daughter.On the day we were to be discharged to go home,I had a 102 F fever.Somehow I had contracted a uterine infection.My husband was more concerned about the fact that HIS PLANS for our coming home were not ‘panning out’.He started yelling,asking why couldn’t I just go home anyway?!He let it be known that HE WASN’T HAPPY!My Dr came into the room and talked to him;so no doubt the nurses alerted him as to what was happening.The Dr looked for the source of the infection,but never did find out what it was.In the meantime,I was on strong antibiotics administered by IV.I would be drenched in sweat as the fever broke.Then the fever would build back up.This went on for a few days.All this time my husband happily occupied a seat in my room watching Tv and loudly laughing.Oh,I forgot to mention…That even before having to cope with the infection,I had hemorraged during delivery!But I guess spath expected me to deliver and go about daily activities like an Indian squaw!

More recently,when I had a d&c last year,my husband thought it was funny that I was having a difficult time having had to open up about stuff to my gynocologist.Little did spath realize it was to lead to his downfall.Anyway,day of surgery,when we arrived at the outpatient surgery center,HE announces our arrival by saying “WE’RE here to have a D&C!”After I got settled,I kept suggesting that he could wait out in the waiting room.But he wouldn’t budge!By the time,my Dr came into the room,I had a blanket over my face!Oh yeah,spath had decided to go out and joke with the nurses by then!But not until he’d already made me a nervous wreck!Normally,I would have been brought out to sleep in that same room after the surgery,but I was kept in the back where my husband couldn’t disturb me while I recovered!I so appreciated that!

Wow, that is brutal! I feel for you – its just hard to deal with that someone could do that to you. Someone you loved. My therapist made me write the story down and read it whenever I felt any sentimentality over “the good times” it helped. I also read so many stories like yours, that were so similar to mine. I will never forget how he looked with such contempt and anger that I called him. What was I thinking?

It took a while but I have moved on and I am now with a nice empathetic sweetheart of a man. I got food poisioning about a month ago, when I told him he came over with Jello and gatorade. He took care of me all day, for the next three days the first thing he would ask me when he called was if I was okay or did I need anything. I’m always amazed that he cares about me, does things for me and shows compassion for me and others.

Here is the odd thing – and I wonder if it was just me. I have a difficult time adjusting to a healthy relationship. I get nervous because I don’t know what to expect. I knew what would happen in my abusive relationship. I knew the drill, but this is so unfamiliar I kind of understand why people are drawn to another abuser, its familiar. Thankfully I have a therapist that has a lot of experience with spath abuse. This relationship proceeded slowly and grew over time. we have been dating since October and he never pressures me to move in or prove my love for him.

I would like any insight anyone has on how to transition to “normal” behavior in a relationship vs spath behavior.

Hi Gez,

I am in the same place as you! I have only just met a really nice guy! He seems to be normal, no love bombing etc! But I am finding it difficult to know how I should behave! I have no idea what to expect in a normal relationship!! If someone could help me I would really appreciate it, as I too feel that I am more attracted to a spath type of person, I had never thought of it as “familiar” but that is what it must be! I had some attentions from a man who was making mr see red flags at the same time, but I seemed to have been more drawn to him than this nice guy, but because of this website i stopped the attentions, but it was really hard, because I was drawn him, now I see that it must have been familiar.

Gez,
So glad you found someone that will take care of you! 🙂

Try this link: http://www.lovefraud.com/2013/03/04/relationships-after-the-sociopath/

Blossom, Thank you for the link to Carnegie’s article. It was very helpful to read. I especially enjoyed the paragraph about what the author’s “agreement” would say. For right now, I continue to ask questions. They always let things out thinking they are not, don’t they? I found out that he is taking Lortab at the hospital. Not cool with me for an addict of every kind. I’ll put up with computer porn I don’t see. I’ll put up with eating like a slob who acts like it’s his last meal. But, I will not put up with any drugs or booze. It is exhausting all the questions you have to ask to get the final truth! They really aren’t nearly as brilliant as they think they are, but it does take a lot of questioning and angles to get to the truth. He said, “Well I guess it’s a good thing I’m still signed up with the VA people.” I said, “Yes it is because if I find out the truth after you move in, you would have real problems. It would be a good idea to tell me all of the circumstances involved in your moving back in.” Then, I hung up. So, right now, I am just trying to remind myself that I have been renting this place since 1988 off and on. I did it before and I can do it again….and I have all that money he gave me to keep me hooked into this plan of him living in my place to keep me going until I find someone suitable if I have to. I have to keep reminding myself that I have taken care of myself all by myself a lot more than any man has ever truly taken care of me. In about a week, he will become desperate because he will be homeless for at least six weeks waiting for the VA apartment to come through. I honestly think that is his plan. To just live here until that becomes available. That would be a couple more months of rent for me and then I just need to let him go and change my phone number if he bothers me. I’ve done it once with him. I can do it again. I need to get back to 12 step meetings which are cheap and helpful so I quit trying to rely on men. Even my ex-husband’s help comes with a high price. He is quite domineering and “old fashioned” (read Evangelical Bible freak who thinks men are superior and women are McRibs) and I don’t think I would miss either of them much if I could get through my Agoraphobia and get to a meeting again like the days before I got so ill.

Gez and Blossom, I feel for you with the surgeries and the lunatics making things worse. I was lucky in that first ex-husband loved to “nurse” me back to health. His problem was he got upset when I was allowed to leave the house on my own afterwards! LOL. They can be loud and boorish and embarrassing, can’t they? And I can now see that others see what they are. They honestly don’t charm as many people as we think. It is humiliating when they charm others and it is embarrassing when they don’t!

In the last few days, I have had a VA nurse and a Social Worker say, “Yeah, he sure is” when I have just come out and said, “You know he is a sociopath.” The nurse happens to be married to a woman who knew some of this one’s “adventures” and he told me! I was shocked. I was able to confirm things I knew he was doing when we were together before. The nurse seemed to enjoy telling on him. I then told the spath that I had remembered his nurse’s wife and contacted her to “catch up” and she told me he was spread quite thin with the ladies while living with me the first time. He still unequivocally denies it, but I always knew it was true.

What a relief when someone who really knows first or second hand just tells you you were right back then! It gives you confidence in the present. When I confronted spath in a roundabout way, he got so mad at the nurse and vowed to get him in trouble. So, I called the nurse and said, “Look if anyone ever asks me, I’ve never heard of you or your wife. If anyone calls you in to ask, you don’t recall my name, but there was a lady who called a couple of times to ask about the “patient” and you just told her he was resting comfortably. He’s out to get you.” He said, “OK thanks” and I said, “No. Thank you” and we hung up. He didn’t seem a bit nervous about it. But, I wanted to reassure him that he is nice to tell someone like me the truth if I bring it up and I certainly was going to protect him.

I guess I will see what I do in the end. I am very scared about the money. But, I’ve been scared about money before and figured out what to do. I can do it again. It’s all a hassle. I doubt anyone has counted the days, weeks, months and years like I do until I get these mortgages off my back so I can live alone, move, and never have to rely on any man except a paid repairman! I sure do appreciate the links, the compassion, and the suggestions. Either decision I make will suck and I don’t trust myself ever to make the right one in the first place.

fightforwhatsright,
Let me say that from the outset,I understood that this was simply about your need for security.Very understandable,as that is a basic need!I didn’t want you to think that I was pressuring you to do things the way I would.It’s just that I’ve been through so much despair with spath,and in my own opinion,MY PEACE OF MIND and PHYSICAL HEALTH HAD FINALLY BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES!

Hi Blossom: I did feel you understood and I know any suggestions you have are for my own good. I don’t mind a bit being told like it is. Reality is a good thing. We all know I will do what I do and it will be exactly the same as it has been for the last two years of the spath living with me. HE will be the same, but I won’t and I know it. I was already getting to a point where I just wasn’t craving his phony love to make up for my father. It would not be pleasant, but it would be easier money than some of the goofballs I’ve had in there. So far, the Lortab is a deal breaker. I was kind of surprised he was taking it as after a heart attack, he couldn’t sleep taking it and took plain ibuprofen instead. He tried to call me back and I ignored him and he left no message. I am in the driver’s seat on this one. I do feel he just wants to stay here until he can get the cheap VA transitional apartment and then on to a Section 8/VA set up. But, that would be some more money coming in, pretty much ignoring him as much as I can, and then trying to graciously say, “So long.” His stuff is here, so I might as well have him paying to be here as I can’t rent it with his stuff here anyway. I appreciate all comments directed towards me because I know this is a safe place so far and everyone is only trying to help. I tell it like it is, too. Thanks for your helpful and kind words.

fight,
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!Stay in the driver’s seat…it’s such a nice feeling,isn’t it! 🙂

Well…at least I talk a good talk! We will see if I do stupid. Thanks.

Hi there, I had the same outrageous cruelty when I collapsed with a heart rhythm problem and spent 6weeks in hospital. My ex Spath would visit and complain about the parking charges and HE didn’t know how long he could cope with all this inconvenience in his life. Even said at one visit that unless I was home soon he would have to think about finding someone else who was not such a liability ! Often during or after a visit my cardiac monitoring went wild…..I realised then….that this man was toxic and was literally killing me !!
In fact this episode was an enlightenment…it was in my hospital bed that I made the decision to end the relationship with him when I got out….and started making plans. Setting up family and friends support systems,financial issues etc.
It took 2 further years before I finally make the full break,with no contact.That was 7 years ago .
The experience has taught me so much about myself and the whole Spath arena. I always thought I could handle the situation as I myself am a psychotherapist but was never fully aware of the Spath dynamic…..until I went
through it myself.
I am also now so aware of my need to rescue others and my belief that everyone means well but are just damaged or misguided and can be healed. NOT SO with a Spath. I run a mile from any red flags now in both personal and professional life.

The ex-BF was a hydrocodone addict. I was unaware and I thought he had a stomach issue. I cleaned up alot of vomit. When I got the flu, though, he threw a fit. Cursed me out and stormed out of the house. Had to hit the gym to relieve the stress of it all. LOL What a MAN!!! If you meet a guy in the West Hills of Pittsburgh who’s got good upper-body development and wants to carry on about the fantastic Christian he is — and his initials are K.O. — drop everything you’re doing and punch him in the face for me. Thanks.

I find this a very interesting article as I have just been through a weekend where I was very angry after trying to deal with the stress and abuse of my partner as I helped him in his business then found him on the computer site checking out the woman he works at times with and sending them messages.

My son called on Monday I told him how upset I was with his Father. My son then said that my husband told him that all I do is sleep and don’t work and rest in the afternoon. I have worked very hard and raised three children, got them through university and art college. I feel I raised them alone. I have also worked for thirty years and at one point had two jobs for almost ten years. During that time I have fibromyalgia, then thyroid disease, along with the fibromyalgia I also got the environmental sensitivity and chronic fatigue. After this is was early onset osteoarthritis and after menopause the beginnings of osteoporosis.

Lucky for me I got wise to my health issues and was able to deal with them but they have taken their toll.

Where was my husband all this time, living with me. I sent my son an email and told him everything I had done and my health issues. I also told him I thought my husband was a sociopath. He is definitely a narcissist. I said to my son that he has no feelings for anyone.

I had already sent my husband an email about his behaviour and then by accident sent the one I wrote to my son to him as well. He didn’t deny what I had said or apologize either. He said to me did the children know about how he had treated me in our marriage and accused my of talking to them. I have talked to them and feel they need to know what I have been through and to protect them against people like their Father.

I also said to him that if he can tell my children I sleep all the time ( by the way this is after the huge Easter dinner that I had prepared for him and our family which I have done every year almost and the other holidays and guests we have had over. Does he think this isn’t work and not an exhausting thing to do despite my health issues?) Then I can tell them how he has treated me and part of that I describe is like a leper.

Thank you again Lovefraud for hitting the nail on the head. I have fought long and hard to keep my family together and I know my children know this because it is useless to expect someone who can’t feel anything for other people to care about me or in truth our family.

He also more or less abandoned his parents when they were in their last illnesses. His Mother who more or less told him he could do no wrong hardly saw him in the last three years of her life and his Father got alzheimer’s and fortunately a very good care facility but saw little of his son or daughter.

Thank you Donna and Lovefraud you explain away the hurt of living with these people and make us feel we are not alone.

Many years ago, I was briefly involved with one of these individuals… one night when I was at his home I became ill, and ended up spending the entire night lying on the floor, vomiting into a bowl, fading in and out of consciousness; he had simply left me there, and went to go watch television. The next day he approached me and said he truly believed I would die during the night. Stunned, because I’d never been up against anything like that before, I asked him why he hadn’t called an ambulance or a doctor; his reply: “Waaa waaa, it’s all about you, isn’t it?”

Since then, I’ve had the misfortune of knowing quite a few individuals like that (not personal involvements) and hit on a clue: there are segments of the population where people were not properly cared for as children and even infants– instead, they were simply left to fend for themselves when they were ill or injured. And they never developed any empathy or compassion for others. It seems to me this kind of early childhood NEGLECT has a lot to do with ‘breeding sociopaths.’

Welcome to the 4 new members,English Elle,Gloria,panthonyt,and gatitosmommy!Each of your stories had that similar vein running through it,lack of empathy.gatitosmommy,your story reminds me of my own,except that instead of being sick,I was choking.Spaths can’t even be troubled with calling an ambulance!They’d rather use that precious time to mock us!You made a good point that perhaps some of them were neglected in early childhood,thus never developing empathy and compassion.I can certainly see that happening.On the ‘other side of the coin’ though, would be where my spath was ‘bred’.He was spoiled rotten,though he wasn’t from a wealthy family,he was given whatever they and the extended family could afford,but alot of what he got was ATTENTION!He learned to expect that from EVERYONE!And if he didn’t get it,he acted up!

Hi. Thanks for the welcome. Donna’s books and this website have been a lifeline,providing huge insight. I would love to help spread the word over here in UK. Does anyone know of a group or contacts in England? I really do believe that awareness and education about dangerous relationships is key to helping others. I would be very grateful if anyone out there has any ideas about how I can contribute to this . The US appears to be way ahead of us here.

I think my mother had spath traits, along with her other mental disorders. When I would become sick or injured, I would get mocked and shamed instead of comforted and cared for. I learned to just not mention it if I had a cut or a bruise or felt sick. The worst time was when I had the measles and she left me in a darkened bedroom with no company for hours at a time, for what felt like weeks (but was for just about 4 days.) Even though I was only a small child of 5 or so, I think I went partially insane from the isolation. After the 4th day I was so wild with boredom that I left the darkened bedroom to go find a toy or a book in my room, anything to occupy my mind, and when my mother found me there she triggered into a red-faced rage at me, screaming that I was going to go blind for doing that and it would be my own fault. I think I became hysterical at that point, crying in terror because mother made me believe that I was going to go blind at any moment.

I believe my mother was way too disordered to have been raising kids. We would have been better off with relatives or in foster care, seems to me. Her other “spathy” trait was that she felt justified in getting back at anyone she felt had disrespected her or thwarted her or somehow otherwise crossed her. I think revenge behaviors are “spathy.”

Babs94540,
How terrifying for a child of 5 yrs to be left in a darkened room for days and then shrieked at and told they’ll go blind because they sought comfort!Mothers do make mistakes as no mother is perfect,but one would hope she would atleast be able to comfort her child!

My father is the self involved narcissist in my family. Even mother’s day is about father! He hated us when we were sick and we were hardly ever taken to the doctor when needed.

Both of my husbands were abused as Babs described. Both by their mothers. My second husband’s mother broke his arm and he just had to ignore it and tell no one and it healed on its own I guess, but broke again later and that’s when the doctor asked him about when he had broken it as a child because of the x-rays.

The spath is an ex-boyfriend turned semi room mate. He is the sick one now. Very sick. He can’t go anywhere without a walker and I am letting him come back from the hospital because I need the money and he helps here and there when he wants something. One day, I called the VA hospital and I told the nurse, “You know he can be very charming, but he is a sociopath.” The nurse said, “OH I know. My wife taught him in college.” He confirmed things I suspected and it was very helpful. Same thing when I called the Social Worker at the VA. It really helps to get validation from them. The nurse said, “I think smarmy is a good word to describe him.” I agree. But, it is easy money if I stay away from his living area which is completely sealed off from mine and he has no key. I have let him torment me with his yo-yo behavior from adoration to ugly rejection and making fun of me for wanting him. I SHOULD be made fun of for wanting him!!! This summer I hope to change the dance steps. He likes to stay in his room and do whatever he does…which is a lot of weird stuff on the computer and stupid Japanese movies. When he gets too bad, the VA takes him for good. But, for now, I will live half a life to pay my mortgage. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever lived a full life for more than a couple of months.

I have the thyroid, the fibromyalgia, the CFIDS, also. I think the stress causes a lot more of it than doctors know. I have gone gluten free because my sister has celiac and the doctor recommended it. That improved my thyroid quite a bit and I am mowing my own lawn for the first time ever so far this spring. I think I am luckier than most even though I get depressed and have PTSD. I own the home and I never married him. It’s either here or a VA home for him. And he can’t be cruel unless I’m around him and the only reason I plan to be around him is to clean up his place (for extra $$) and see if he is OK here and there. Otherwise, looking forward to my garden and watching movies this summer. Onward and this time, he pays the bills.

My ex s/path gf always claimed to be unhealthy.We lived apart so once in a while I would get a call from the hospital and she had been admitted for stomach problems,back problems,migraines etc.I helped pay for some of this–as she said she had no insurance.Too many instances to bore you with I d get calls that were hysterical concerning her health….her lungs had holes in them…she needed a special inhalor…prescriptions etc.I always helped.Do you think she would remember my birthday—even ONCE in 4 years????When I found out she was living with a guy,I dumped her and now follow her activities on the daily police mugshots we have locally on the Internet.Arrested twice…called the cops on her new boyfriend for aggravated domestic assault for which he spent a month in jail.She was just picked up last month for vandalism of the apartment she lived in with the guy that beat her up.and so it goes.

learnedmylesson,
The user name you chose,and your post tell your sad story.Sorry that you are eligible or qualify to be a member of Lovefraud!But the support here is wonderful,so hope to hear from you again!

Hey blossom4th…I ve posted on here before about this woman …who said to me after I caught her red handed that she was LIVING with another guy..”Well I guess you were too stupid to figure it out all these months”!!!
It started with her telling me she was moving in with an older lady as a roommate—which I didn t jusy accept–I asked to meet this lady,since I was going to help her with rent…which I did.The lady said this and said that…all the right things”she loves you and talks about you all the time”.
Turned out….this lady lived in another apartment in the building and was asked by my gf to lie to me about the situation—probably in exchange for money.
I stopped by one day a month later and asked the old lady (I saw her in the parking lot)how it was going with my gf as a roomie.She said she never lived with another person for YEARS.I said why did you tell me you did a month ago….she said “I don t know”.Anyways further investigation narrowed down who it was she was living with—and most of her medical problems were lies…to just get money.And I m not gullible…its just that lies are hard to prove.

learnedmylesson,
It’s bad enough that your ex lied to you!But involving another person takes it to even greater lengths!Really Rotten!

well….all I can say is that for your own sanity,you need to focus on yourself and improving your life….sometimes it’s best to let bygones be and stay bygones.Take care.

Yes I have moved on….that was a year ago.But as others said to me when I told them this story,karma is going to get her—and it has.Also I told her many times:if you use someone–eventually you will lose that one.I m fine.She tried calling me 6 months ago to bail her out of jail,but I didn t answer the phone.It would have cost $9.00 to talk for 2 minutes!!!!No.way was I going to take that call…lol.

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