By | December 13, 2012 15 Comments

The high price of destruction

While preparing for the holiday season, my children and I like to play Christmas movies as we add our decorative touches throughout the house.  This year, I caught a portion of the television movie Snow as we worked.  Although I was not paying close attention, the premise is that Santa goes to California to rescue one of his reindeer that somehow ends up in a local zoo.  This particular reindeer, Buddy, was not expected to ever be able to fly.

Of course, as the movie’s climax began, I stopped arranging the garland and candles on the fireplace and sat to watch.  Naturally, I hoped that Buddy the reindeer would triumph.  As Christmas movies go, he learned to fly just in time to escape the “bad guy’s” tranquilizer shot.  Not only did Buddy successfully get away by forcing himself to fly, but Buck, the fraud of a man who was trying to bring him down, accidentally injected himself with the medication from the tranquilizer gun intended for the reindeer.

Well, there you have it.  I could not help but think about the poetic justice.  Even if Santa, his friends, and the reindeer had been in the fight of their lives to secure Buddy’s survival, eventually, good beat evil.

Cutting off their noses to spite their faces 

Being who I am, I was unable to see this as just another fun, cute, feel-good, Christmas movie.  Nope.  This caused me to begin thinking about psychopaths. No matter what they do to try to bring good people down, they eventually do themselves in, just like the character Buck, who shot himself and fell unconscious in his efforts to destroy.

Psychopaths rarely come out ahead in the end.  In no way am I suggesting that they do not damage others along the way; they can and do.  However, frequently, they also harm themselves in the process.  As we assess whatever situation we are dissecting, we tend to see how their poor choices, actions, and behaviors, also affect them.

This will not be apparent in the beginning of most conflicts.  We will feel the turmoil and upset until we come to know how they operate.  In fact, we often assume that they have the upper hand.  But they don’t.  They wage their wars with lies or twisted versions of truths.  Often, others listen to those lies and we may find that hurtful or they may do obvious, overt harm.  But they still are who they are – and that is not anything any of us would want to be.

Unbridled hatred 

Here is an example.  Recently, someone told me about her life with her estranged father.  Now that she is an adult and self sufficient, he attempted to make his way back into her life.  After years of little or no support, financial or otherwise, he felt that she ought to help him now that he is older.  She described the alternating neglect and abuse she suffered at his hands over time and noted that they never actually had any real relationship.  He didn’t seem to remember things that way.  She recounted how after years of only minimal, strained contact and then no contact, he invited her to a large family function.  She did not want him in her life, but finally thought she would attempt to see his side of things one last time.  Once the group gathered, the first thing he brought up was how much he hated her mother and how this woman’s mother “destroyed” his life.

She got up, walked out, and has not spoken to him since.  As she told the story, I suggested that she take comfort in the events of that day.  Why?  They further illustrated his disorder.  Her parents had been divorced for almost 25 years, and after all that time, this man still carried incredible amounts of hatred for a woman who he actually wronged and whose life he tried to destroy.

He left her mother penniless, struggling for food and clothing for the children, as he begrudgingly contributed only sporadic support.  He seemed to enjoy watching her predicament as well.  Yet, he always had a sad story to tell his enablers.  He smeared this woman to others, telling them of all of the “wrongs” she had done to him.  He often refused to work, even though he was more than able, citing questionable reasons why he could not.  As a result, his debt accumulated and bill collectors called every number they could find for him.  For what?  So he did not have to pay, attempting to cause further harm.

However, she recalls her father always having alcohol for himself and buying expensive gifts for multiple girlfriends.  She vividly recalls the boxes of candy that he purchased for his new female “friends.”  From time to time, she would ask for some, since she was hungry, but he would angrily scowl that it was not for her.  She would walk away defeated and hurt, disappointed that his sexual partners were getting expensive chocolates, while she ate potatoes for dinner, with no meat or vegetables and lived in a small apartment with her three siblings.  When she questioned him, he became enraged.  Things appeared unfair to her for much of her childhood.  However, as she grew, she began to understand.

The psychopath’s reality

She grew to see a bitter, angry man, who was paying the price for his morally bankrupt life and horrible choices.  Even as the years passed, he still blamed everyone else, unless he was feigning responsibility in attempt to regain control.  But most saw through him now, as his years told the story.  His life spoke for itself.  Call it what you will; karma, hindsight, retrospect, he was broken due to his behaviors and lifestyle choices, not those of his ex-wife or anyone else.

In comparison, this woman’s mother had moved on.  This took time, but 25 years later, she was not still talking about her ex husband, other than factually.  She worked and sacrificed, and made a life for herself and her children.  Perhaps things were not as they may have otherwise been, but who is to say what really would have otherwise been?  Through it all, she was able to maintain what really mattered, in spite of him or possibly even because of him.  That must be rough for a psychopath to witness.

Taking flight 

So, much like Buck, in the holiday movie Snow, many “bad guys” ultimately harm themselves with their own “poison.”  They destroy themselves in their efforts to destroy us, but don’t understand how or why.  However, we should not hold our breath if we are waiting for them to admit it.  They feel that we are evil and wrong and that won’t change.

Hopefully, we all eventually “fly” like Buddy the reindeer.  Santa did not believe he ever would.  Yet, when Buddy did, it saved his life.


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Linda, for whatever reason, Donna always posts articles and links that I personally “need” to read precisely “when” I need to read them.

The individual’s experiences that you described are priceless because it give me a sense of “hope” or, perhaps, “trust” that what goes around will come back around for the people who cause deliberate harm.

Thank you for this article.

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover

Great Article, Linda….funny thing is, ass INSANE AS IT SOUNDS the psychopaths I know who hhave shot themselves iin the foot (like Buck) my son Patrick, for example….he’s been in prison all but less than 12 months since he turned 18 in 1989, and yet HE CONSIDERS HIMSELF A GREAT SUCCESS.. Yes, I said a GREAT success. Every day he puts one (or more) over on one of the guards, breaks some prison rules and enjoys the duping delight he gets from that, and HE IS A SUCCESS. DUHH?????!!!! Yes, it is difficult to wrap my head around how a man who has spent most of his life and essentially ALL of his adult life behind bars could consider HIMSELF A SUCCESS…and of course, ALL his problems his entire life have been caused by others, NEVER EVER BY HIMSELF.

So, in a way, Patrick is like Buck…shot himself in the foot, lost the “prizes” he was after, but is so perverted in his thinking that he doesn’t even GET IT about himself, doesn’t even GET that while he may be the smartest convict in the Texas department of correction, and the guards may be dumber’n dirt and that’s the only job they can get, that THEY GO HOME AT NIGHT and get to see their spouse, their kids, drink a beer that wasn’t made with fruit stolen from the kitchen and fermented in some convict’s toilet bowl…and yea, some of the guards are pretty crooked and can be bribed to bring in contraband like The Cell phone Patrick had for a while, and Charlie Manson had, but even still….I think that many psychopaths are just too arrogant to get just what losers they really are. They can’t appreciate what they don’t even know exists—- REAL LOVE, real bonding between people.


Yet another great post on! After reading it, I felt compelled to share a bit of my personal story as my exspath is a perfect example of one who has destoyed (or is well on the way towards) himself.

Much to my surprise, it turns out mine was using crystal meth for a good chunk of our “relationship” (5 to 7 years is my guess at the backend of the relationship) and I’m sure he had a fab time having anonymous sex with countless people thru the years. However, it all caught up to him at the end and I credit the meth addiction for finally allowing me to see what he REALLY was as it broke down his mask. After the break-up and before I figured out meth was involved, I literally watched this guy go CRAZY with both physical and mental manifestations. Thanks to the meth addiction, I was able to protect my financial well-being (he tried to claim/steal over $200K from me using a lawyer and he may have had a legal right to it but not an ethical right) by threatening his career (he works for a small private organization that would cut him out like a cancer if they knew) and was the person responsible for outing his drug addiction to his close friends and family. And all of this was AFTER I threw him out of the house!

I take delight in thinking about his plight today as there are only 2 ways his story ends 1) checks himself into rehab and loses his job a result or 2) dies an early death from continued heavy meth use. So what goes around certainly does come around in his case! And I’m WELL on the way to full recovery!

Another excellent article Linda. Psychopaths self-sabotage.
It begins the moment they look at us with envy. They create their own feelings of low self-worth by comparing themselves to us. Then the only way up, is by stepping all over us.

They invest all their time and energy into our destruction instead of using it to fulfill their own potential.

Oxy, Patrick’s refusal to feel that he is a loser, is a perfect example of bypassed shame. He simply numbs the part of his brain that could inform him of that reality. It’s too bad because that coping mechanism is what keeps him wallowing in his shameful behavior.

Ox Drover

Sky, I saw the same kind of ARROGANCE in my P sperm donor (Patrick is VERY much like him in so many ways, though the two of them never met…even their hand writing is very much alike.) As he has aged, Patrick’s facial expressions make him look more like P sperm donor, though son C has P sperm donor’s body type (very blocky, high muscle definition, very short strong bones) My P sperm donor eventually became VERY wealthy (Made the Forbes 400 richest list back before the BILLIONAIRES and folks) but he did not get HOW UNCOUTH he was and how others did not think he was as smart as he thought he was. He wanted YOUNG “hot” women and wanted other men to be envious of him, but behind his back they sneered but he did not get that. Same with Patrick, if he was a billionaire no one worth their salt would “admire” him….they might suck up because of any perceived benefit of being around the super rich, but that is NOT “admiration” worth any thing in my estimation.

My P sperm donor dropped out of GRADE School, but he DID educate himself very highly in MANY FIELDS including aviation, but he LIED and said he went to college–personally I would have been PROUD of educating myself like he did. He told people how he had been in combat in WWII—big LIE. He told a lie when the truth would have fit better….he wanted people to be afraid of him. That was a big deal with him that people were afraid of him. The people who were NOT afraid of him were the ones he hated the most…the ones he smeared the most…including me. He raped me, he beat me till my face was a pulp that made a cop cry…but I never gave in to him and he hated me for that. My husband, when they were partners in business for a SHORT while til my husband figured out what a fake he was, never was afraid of him and he hated my husband too. There were others As well that he especially hated because they would not knuckle under to him in fear. In fact, if the truth be told I think my P sperm donor was afraid of my husband, who was a quiet man who just didn’t take any carp off anyone. He stood up to danger and faced it head on and P sperm donor never challenged my husband while they had business dealings. He didn’t cheat my husband either but he cheated every one else who did business with him to the point that if you shook hands with him it would be a good idea to COUNT YOUR FINGERS AFTERWARDS, YOU MIGHT BE MISSING ONE OR MORE.

That is horrific. I find it hard to complain about my own parental mistreatment after reading that!!

Some of the things you describe are so much like my own exspath. Dropped out at age 12 and never attended school much before that. Taught himself aviation and welding and lead guitar and autocad design.

But my spath doesn’t really blow his own horn about those things, he lets you “discover” how amazing he is. He EMPHASIZES his lack of education to make you feel sorry for him and be even more amazed at his accomplishments.

He works hard to make people think he is a “good guy” who loves animals and drives a humble geo metro.

There is another side that he shows his evil minions though. One of them said to me, recently, “I always knew that was one guy I didn’t want to cross.”

I don’t really know what that side looks like, because he never showed it to me.

It’s not surprising that your sperm donor feared your husband. Spaths are cowards deep inside. That is why they are so paranoid. They feel that everyone is as sick and envious as they are, so they can’t ever trust. That’s why it’s amazing that they can all sleep like babies. How do they do that?

Ox Drover

If Patrick has any fear I am not aware of it. E is not afraid of prison, and I think he is just so ARROGANT that it never occurs to him that he will “lose” at anything….even when he does lose, it is never his fault. Everything wrong in his life is because of ME–because I betrayed him by calling the cops when he robbed our friends business.

I asked him once “Patrick WHAT should I have done to stop your robbing and so on?” His answer was “NOT THAT!” He still bears me a grudge even all these decades later. I am sure he knows I fought his last parole, and so he blames me he didn’t get out…but that’s okay, it won’t make him hate me more than he does already.

He is determined to defy me–to “win” at alll costs, to punish me. There comes a point though that you must live cautiously but NOT in terror. If I live in terror, he wins. So I take reasonable precautions , but I don’t jump every time a car pulls up in my yard.

Patrick is afraid of feeling. That’s why he “has no fear”. He refuses to feel anything, especially fear.

I do believe that he self-sabotaged to punish you. As you said, “to “win” at all costs”, even the cost of his life, lost to prison or to death.

It’s amazing that they can cut off their own noses that way. I’ve seen my spath do it. It boggles the mind. You can’t win against that kind of strategy. Unless you refuse to play the game.


I was also enmeshed with a “Foot Bullet” psychopath. He used me romantically of course, but I believe more important for him was my value as a business asset. He couldn’t maintain any of it for long and that one final egregiously harmful act caused me to leave for good.

He once tried to hoover me back into a business relationship but I told him I didn’t need him to earn money – but I knew he needed me. Wow, did that make him angry. So he’s back to his utterly failed life. I imagine he still constantly dreams of successes he will never have because he’s incapable of achieving any of it without using someone else to get it. But of course he is conscious of none of this.

Ox Drover

Skylar, I can’t say you are wrong on that case. If I said “go north” he would go south, if I said go south, he went north. It didn’t matter if he fell off a cliff in doing so because he DID NOT DO WHAT I SAID. He did the opposite of whatever I told him to do. 180 is right!

He sure showed me didn’t he? Yep, SHOWED ME GOOD! He is his own man, he does NOT DO WHAT HIS MOMMY SAID TO DO. He did his OWN THING…doesn’t matter to him that he ended up in prison, he WON because he did NOT do what mommy said to do.

WOW! WHAT SUCCESS he has had. 100% success in flaunting what I told him to do. (can you tell I have my tongue firmly planted in my cheek here?) LOL ROTFLMAO


He sure showed you! 😯

If I didn’t know it was true, I just wouldn’t believe that anyone can think like that. But they ALL do.

Hey, I just found some of spath’s unused welding equipment that’s worth about 900 bucks! (I checked on a Miller website) Maybe I can get 1/2 that on ebay.

Ox Drover

hey, Sky, maybe you can make a living selling off shiat he left around. LOL I’m trying to get rid of stuff too, using it to buy stuff I need and get rid of stuff I DON’T need.

Spent the morning cleaning CLEANING CLEANING like the refrigerator which hadn’t had a thorough cleaning since before my leg operation….and boy was THAT fun! LOL Now washing clothes and taking a bit of a sit down break.

Watched the news about the school shooting for a bit, but can’t take too much of that. Only so much misery I can handle in one bite.


What do you do when a sociopath is your parent?

Ox Drover

Babs, the same thing you do if the sociopath is your lover, your friend, your child, what ever the relationship is–NO CONTACT.

It’s hard I know….I wanted a relationship with my sperm donor, but he was not a father he just donated DNA, but that was all. He was (he’s dead now) a psychopath. NC for 40 years before his death. My egg donor may not be a psychopath, but she ENABLES my P son to continue to try to kill me, so I am NC with her as well.

NC with my son Patrick who is a psychopath.

NO CONTACT is the only way we can survive them.

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