By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW Partner choice is important to all of us. Toxic relationship survivors often avoid opening themselves to new relationships because of their fear of choosing a partner who will bring more devastation and drama into their lives. Many of us learn to watch for the warning signs that a person is a psychopath, narcissist, or other toxic type, but we aren't certain about the positive characteristics that indicate someone is good partner material. In addition to screening out difficult people, we need to learn how to screen in good matches. To help with this, I've come up with an easy-to-remember screening tool. It summarizes insights from years of academic research and …
Invisible Intimate Partner Abuse and How to Manage Coercive Control in Court
By Dr. Karin Huffer — editor Wilene Gremain In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, here's a composite story drawn from my cases: I was a successful college educated thirty-something when I finally met my soul mate on a cruise ship to Alaska. Independent thinker, educated, ecology minded, career oriented, honest, he was almost the mirror image of myself as far as these qualities, two of a kind. We had it all. I was incredibly happy. Anything ”¦ we would do anything to show the love and respect we felt for each other. “Marry Me?” “You Bet!” After almost one year of marriage and closing in on our first Christmas together, I was at full throttle to make the best ever Christma …
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7 Social Science Insights that Will Help You Understand Why It’s Not So Easy to “Just Get the Hell Out”
By Amber Ault, Ph.D. One of the many difficult questions survivors of toxic relationships ask themselves is “why is it so hard to leave someone who treats me so badly?” As rational people, we recognize that a relationship is extremely problematic and believe that the rational course of action would be just to stop the drama. And yet. And yet, this is usually harder than it sounds. While there are practical and logistical barriers to people exiting, the emotional resistance to leaving is usually present even when there aren't kids or property or business deals or divorce laws slowing us down. What accounts for this? Why is it so common? Social science has some insights that hel …
3 Mixed Messages Toxic People Use to Manipulate Your Affection
By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW Cognitive dissonance the mixed perceptions and feelings that result from inconsistent experiences helps to explain why people find it difficult to leave toxic relationships. On the one hand, the toxic partner tells us they love us; on the other, they engage in behavior that is cruel, disrespectful, or exploitive. Our brains work overtime trying to make sense of these mixed messages —and in the process, we often stay longer than makes sense; in the meanwhile, the toxic partner continues to benefit from our attention, support, and resources. Here are three mixed messages that toxic partners often create through their words and actions: They are brilliant, e …
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Help for building your support team so you can end a toxic relationship
By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW Starting September 24, 2016, I will be hosting a five-week Roller Coaster Relationship Recovery Seminar & Support Group by teleconference for people in the US and EU. I especially invite readers of Lovefraud.com to join me in this powerful, supportive environment dedicated to cultivating the skills and strategies you need to create your best, happiest, sanest life possible after a difficult relationship with a toxic partner. In my recent book, The Five Step Exit: Skills You Need to Leave a Narcissist, Psychopath, or Other Toxic Partner and Recover Your Happiness Now, I recommend that anyone who is involved with a toxic partner, preparing to …
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Tina Swithin, author of ‘Divorcing a Narcissist’ to explain what they’re talking about
Divorcing a narcissist is my superpower — what is yours? By Tina Swithin, author of OneMomsBattle.com and Divorcing a Narcissist In 2009, I discovered that there is only one thing worse than being married to a narcissist and that is divorcing a narcissist. Being someone who cringes at the mere thought of conflict, I was not prepared for the onslaught of attacks, lies and character assassinations that were launched at me. Even though I had been told by a therapist that my ex-husband was a “narcissist,” I had no idea that the horrific attacks were to be expected while going through a divorce with someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Email, text messages and the teleph …
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Travis Vining, son of a serial killer, talks about healing from destructive relationships
We try to ignore the agony of betrayal, hoping it will go away. Paradoxically, says Travis Vining, author of Transforming Darkness to Light for Giving, it's not in spite of our difficulties that we find freedom, but because of them. Travis Vining will be presenting a Lovefraud Continuing Education webinar called, The Miracle in the Madness - the pathway to healing from destructive relationships. He will explain how to gently, courageously, overcome the pain of betrayal by a sociopath. Travis' goal is to offer the example of his personal experience to reveal exactly how to apply these spiritual principles to our own lives. The underlying purpose is not to convince the participant that cer …
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Save on ‘The Wise Lesbian Guide to Getting Free From Crazy-Making Relationships’
By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW In the wake of the Gay Pride Month massacre of 49 people gathered at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, the world has taken notice of the violence and threats of violence lesbian gay, bisexual, and transgender people face on a regular basis. What's less visible is that the patterns of oppression we face in the broader society sometimes trickle down into our most intimate relationships. Lesbian and gay people need to be able to turn to partners for safety, support, care, and kindness. This is especially important as we face discrimination and invalidation in the broader culture. Unfortunately, for many people in same-sex relationships, home is not a haven but, i …
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Two teleseminars: ‘Rollercoaster Relationship Recovery’ and ‘Dating After a Difficult Relationship’
By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW Toxic relationships cause damage to partners' self-esteem and self-confidence, to partners' connections with their support systems, and to their confidence in their own judgment and the goodness of other people. As a coach and therapist specializing in supporting partners and exes of psychopaths, narcissists, and people with Borderline Personality Disorder, I have come to believe that a valuable healing resource for survivors comes in the form of sympathetic connections with others sometimes as one-on-one therapeutic relationships, sometimes as communities of people who have had similar experiences, and sometimes as new relationships with supportive partners. These …
Jacqueline Kraft Bruno: No Path to the Heart: The Futility of Relationships with Narcissists
By Jacqueline Kraft Bruno In a healthy, heart-centered, relationship, we experience connection. The love between two people is given and received openly. There is a natural flow that exists. Of course it isn't perfect and as human beings we fall into fear, experience disconnection and we work to re-connect. These are the natural struggles of relationship, the rough patches. These struggles are not meant to be the norm. In a relationship with a personality-disordered person, we give love that is never authentically received. Our love is deflected by the ego, twisted and manipulated. The person we have shared love with is lacking a path to the heart, by which to receive it. In a loving …
