Steve Becker, LCSW

I address this post mainly to my female audience because, in my experience, the pathology I'll be discussing, while not exclusively male, is more often than not expressed by men against women. I revisit here what I regard as an important relationship red flag: When you meet a man who seems to be “Mr. Perfect,” someone “you can't find anything wrong with,” you need to take a good long pause; otherwise, trouble bodes. Now I'm not talking about, or maligning, the experience of “great chemistry.” Great chemistry, even electric chemistry, where you hit it off instantly, is a good thing and sometimes a good omen. But there's an important difference between “great chemistry” versus the sense of …

If he walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, he’s a quackRead More

One thing that's certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians. They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history. And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they've caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances. And that's, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met t …

The Worst HistoriansRead More

After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon. This isn't a surprising observation: Don't like what you're hearing (because it's inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it's inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable. Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!). For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to …

The “Blame” CardRead More

Unless your abusive partner can feel shame for his violating behaviors, he will make no gains. That's why I say, no shame, no gain. By “gain” I mean, of course, the permanent ceasing of his abuse. This rules-out sociopaths who, by definition, will lack the capacity for shame necessary for personal reform. This is worth repeating, as basic as it is: the sociopath is beyond help, beyond reform. Only his victims can help themselves by escaping, and healing, from him. And yet shame alone isn't enough to produce gain. It's what the abuser does with his shame that's critical. If he projects his shame defensively into, say, “blame,” then he is going nowhere fast. And unfortunately, all too ofte …

No Shame, No GainRead More

What do you call someone you've been describing alternately as a narcissist and sociopath? Someone for whom neither diagnosis alone quite suffices as a complete description of the individual, but rather in whom both disorders seem as if wrapped up in one menacing individual? Pardoning my grandiosity for daring to expand the already crowded psychiatric nomeclature, I propose to call these hybrid personalities“narcissiopaths.” While I don't expect the DSM folks to take me very seriously (or anyone else for that matter), I'm thinking (unfacetiously) that there's a case to be made here. The narcissiopath, as I envision him (using “him” for convenience's sake) will meet many of the essenti …

The NarcissiopathRead More

You must not disappoint me. You must not inconvenience me. You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable. You must, at all times, accommodate me. You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them. You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones. You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons. You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you've upset me. You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else's. You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest. You willingly assume res …

The Narcissist’s CommandmentsRead More

What's the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy? Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths. Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn't the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren't sociopaths. However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it …

Boredom and the sociopathRead More

Sociopaths, as a group, tend to be predatory personalities. But does the converse always hold? Are predatory personalities, by definition, sociopaths? Is it possible to prey on innocent people, and victimize them, yet not be a sociopath? I think the answer to this question is yes...it is possible to be a predator and not a sociopath, although let me state as strongly as possible that, sociopath or not, the predator's exploitation is no less damaging. How one defines the predatory personality makes a difference. For purposes of this discussion, here's how I'm going to define it: The predatory personality recognizes (if not actively seeks) opportunities for personal gratification, and …

Is the predator always a sociopath?Read More

Research has suggested that some sociopaths may experience something like “sociopathic burnout,” characterized by a reduction in their antisocial behavioral output as they move through middle and older age. (This is a type of decline in production to be glad for.) What this does not mean is that sociopaths “outgrow” their sociopathic orientation, anymore than a career thief outgrows his thief's mentality. “Sociopathic burn-out,” let me stress, is not to be mistaken for something as chimerical (and unrealistic) as the sociopath's “personal growth.” One might be tempted to regard the aging sociopath's “mellowing” as a signal of his perhaps, finally, “growing up;” of his acquiring perhaps, f …

Aging out of sociopathy?Read More