Imagine you can make yourself invisible (at will) and, thereby, effectively innoculate yourself against the consequences of your violating behaviors. This playful scenario posits a power bordering on omnipotent. You can do what you want, when you want, to whom you want, secure in the knowledge that you can get away with it. Your invisibility effectively liberates you from the normal rules and boundaries that regulate interpersonal conduct. Now let's be honest”¦with this power, how many of us would use it for our own amusement, and to our own advantage? The true answer: most of us? Remember, I said “let's be honest.” None of us, of course, so far as I know, possesses this power, thank …
The silent (but deadly) treatment
The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships. The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner's (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind. The silencer's aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note th …
The pathological self-confidence of the sociopath
Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence. But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why? The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, …
Is Sociopathy A Perversion?
Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths' culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser? I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others. It's not so much a question of the sociopath's sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs. When I refer to the sociopath's unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean u …
E…Evil Woman
Remember the Electric Light Orchestra? I couldn't resist. But I really want to say something about an e”¦evil woman. Actually, not really. I just wanted an excuse to say e..evil woman. Okay, I've said it, again. Now I've got it out of my system. I'll stop with that. But I do want to talk about evil. Evil's such a dicey word. Evil? What is evil? What really makes someone evil? Do evil people exist? That is, can someone even be evil: Are people evil, or just their behaviors? I remember a friend of mine, a close friend, years ago, once called me an “evil m*therf*cker,” and I laughed. Did I laugh because I'm evil, thereby validating his accusation? Or did I laugh because I was secure enough t …
Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
Hello my friends”¦ It's so nice to be here, to discuss the subjects of narcissism and sociopathy. I'd like to begin by asking each of you, one at a time, to tell us a little about me and what you hope to give me in our short time together? Uh huh”¦hmmm”¦very interesting”¦. As we continue circling the room, if it's alright with you, I'd like to hear a little less about you, and more about me? Okay, now that we're done with the introductions”¦. Let me formally begin by stating something fairly obvious: Narcissists and sociopaths are people you'll want to avoid. Does this make sense? Are we in unanimity about this? By the way, I want you to feel free during this presentation, at any poin …
The Borderland of Narcissism and Sociopathy
In a prior post, I discussed some differences between the narcissist and sociopath, a focus I'd like to continue in this post. For convenience's sake, I'm going to use “he” and “him” throughout, although we can agree that “she” and “her” could easily be substituted. The narcissist, if I were to boil his style down to one sentence, is someone who demands that his sense of self (and self-importance) be propped-up on a continual basis. Without this support—in the form of validation, recognition, and experiences of idealization—the narcissist feels depleted, empty, depressed. The narcissist struggles to define himself independently and sustainedly as significant and worthwhile. The fragilit …
The “feel” of a sociopath
I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge. I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission. I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head. When I say “glib,” I d …
Can I Have A Witness?
For purposes of simplicity I will be using “he” throughout this post to designate the abuser and “she” to designate the abuse victim. We can all agree that males are also abused in relationships by females. One of the insidious (and enabling) aspects of abuse is that the abuse victim often lacks a credible witness to the abuse that is occurring (or has occurred). “Witnessing” is the act of validating, of believing, the victim's presentation of her trauma. It is the willingness to face, not turn away from, the victim's experience of her experience. The abuse victim often lacks a mature, credible witness to validate the abuse as existing as a real problem—a real problem that is called “abus …
Evaluating An Unknown Provider’s Expertise in Sociopathy
I write this column (using "he" throughout, for simplicity purposes) to suggest some useful ideas for vetting a prospective provider who does not come recommended through a reliable source (or through Donna Anderson's growing new LoveFraud referral base). How can you begin to assess a relatively unknown provider for his competence to address your experiences with a suspected sociopath specifically, exploiter in general, or otherwise personality-disturbed individual? Let me start by suggesting that a provider who claims to be educated about sociopathy really isn't if he lacks an equally fluent understanding of narcissistic and borderline personality disorder. The reason I say this is …
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