Is Sociopathy A Perversion?

Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?

I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.

It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.

When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.

While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.

I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.

In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.

But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.

The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.

Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”

Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”

Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”

I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”

This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.

Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.

They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!

I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.

(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)

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Oxy Oxy Oxy!!!

My friend, the one who I have been so worried about, called me tonight! She’s dumped the S/P/N/? whatever he is AND she’s been going to therapy for a few weeks. She sounded really good and from what she told of what her therapist said, the therapist “gets it.”

I’m so happy for her and proud of her for getting some help. I kept trying not to cry when we were on the phone tonight. We’re going to get together soon, dinner, whatever. I think she’s done with him this time- and I think she wants to break the cycle of losers. I’m so relieved and happy…like a pig in poo 🙂

I just wanted to tell you.

Dear Glinda,

I am sooooooo HAPPY FOR YOU! It is wonderful when a friend of ours, someone we love, breaks out of the abuse cycle! I commend you for sticking with her. She is fortunate to have you there to guide her along the Road to Healing! TOWANDA!!!!!


Thanks again for more great advice. You know, as a wife, I’d be MORE upset about the emotional affair. Knowing that my husband was writing poetry, playing music/making CD’s, telling his lover all his hopes and dreams, telling her about all the family secrets etc. – this would be WAAY worse to me than having sex let me tell you! So if she views it only as an emotional affair than so be it. She can do whatever she lies with the information.

And yes, I am going through the Acup Associations to complain. I can go through the courts prob for sexual misconduct, negligence, sexual assault, sexual exploitation according to the Assoc but I am choosing not to. I am recently married and do not want my hubby to suffer through it all. It makes him sick to be reminded of it all as he knows the whole story. Just going through my subsequent depression with me has been more than generous on his part.

But anyway perhaps his wife will find out through the proceedings…. I will sit on it some more and not make rash decisions!

Glinda –

I am happy for you too!!! – how nice to be able to celebrate with your friend although I am sure she is truly suffering with this decision.

I guess the key is for her to truly see it all before he lures her back into his ‘Lair of Lies’…..


I wanted to let you know I sent off an e-mail to my attorney on the fraud charge.

I pointed out how my S/N got me to sign the re-mortgage and credit lines – what he vowed to me and the kids.

I then pointed out his INTENT was not genuine because he continued in his then current affair AND was looking/involved on others. He never had ANY INTENT of honoring our marriage.

I also included the dissipation of our assets for his own pleasure and his playmates’.

I also included an attachment of Donna’s divorce settlement decree from the web-site.

I will let you know his response.

Just wanted you to know there are some of us who value your words and advice and put them to good use .

I just want to comment here to DONNA and MATT…I know of NO place on the internet where the KIND OF INFORMATION AND ADVICE would be available to anyone for FREE, that you two have shared pro bono with New Life and how VALUABLE that information is.

TOWANDA!!!! and I just wanted you two to know that I think you are both just super, wonderful, caring and giving people!!!! (((((hugs to you both)))))) (there I go again, hugging a blinking ATTORNEY!) LOL

Agree with the above post totally!

And also the blog. I have known my P since I first fell in love with him at age 15, first devalue and dump from him at age 16. OHOHOHOH how much pain and grief I would have saved myself had I listened to one of my high school teachers who said “If he dumped you once, he will do it again.”

Oops, meant to add that I let him hurt me again 40 years later!!! Same exact type stuff.

So so true – this makes sense. It’s the opposite to what I thought – I thought in the ‘good’ times that was his real character and the bad behaviours were things that could be lessened and fixed – actually it was the other way around. In the ‘good’ times he was suppressing his true nature and I saw it clearly when he played his games.
Excellent post!

Dear Polly,

I am so glad you are going back and reading these archived articles (and I see others are as well) Also glad that they are hitting nerves with you and helping in your “education” here at LF!

I had forgotten about this article, but it is one of the great ones.

i just got an e mail from lovefraud that donna is going to shut down for a week’s vacation between christmas and new years so I am going to use that quiet time (and probably COLD time) to go back and reread a lot of the older articles. I’ve read most (there are a few that slipped by me I think but not many) for the last couple of years but it is never a bad idea to reread the articles, there is always information that might not have been “right” for you at the time you read it, but is right for you NOW. There are so many stages in our healing that sometimes an article might now touch us, but later it wll speak to our hearts.

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