Editor’s notes: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “Kaki Pants.”
I just came out of a relationship, a year long relationship, which I think the guy might be a psychopath after telling the whole story to my male friends, female friends never would have thought he could be a psycho btw. Men and women think very differently.
So I met this guy a year ago, last April through an online dating app. We met for several times, dinners, lunches, coffees, I took it slow, cuz I didn’t want to get myself attached too soon before knowing who this guy really is. Obviously, I didn’t take it slow enough in the end.
We got together; everything seems well. He runs a startup business with office in San Fran, Melbourne and headquarter is based in Hong Kong. He got a law degree in Australia, worked with big investment banks before setting his own business up with his cofounder in Hong Kong.
His background and the way he talks about life, his experience just make him seem like a decent guy. He’s always travelling for work. I have been to Sydney, San Fran and Hawaii with him. He always said he loved me, adored me, wanted to spend the rest of the life with me and marry me.
I met him in April 2016, he brought up marriage starting from September and has asked me very seriously if I would marry him back in November before we went to San Fran. He said we should get married in Las Vegas. I actually felt pressure and was panicking -‘what if he really proposed to me while we were in the US’, then of course it didn’t happen.
He always says one thing and does another. There’s always contradiction from what he’s said.
I have never been to his home. He said his newly bought apartment had been under renovation so he’d been staying in a serviced apartment, so i have only been to this serviced apartment. He never was able to send me pictures of this apartment even tho I have asked several times cuz I wanted to see what it looks like.
Things he said just made me feel uneasy and I never fully trusted him, but then again, I never thought he would have another woman or something.
Up to my birthday, he told me he has prostate cancer on my birthday. I was crying. I was worried about him; I couldn’t process but just crying.
He said he needed to spend most of February in Melbourne for this treatment, he said he will do everything to heal and get healthy then we get married and spend the rest of the life together. So he went to Melbourne.
I called the hospital in Melbourne and wanted to send him Uber eats, but staff said no such patient named as his name stayed there at all. I started questioning but I didn’t want to confront him through phone.
Throughout the whole time, he didn’t make the effort to videocall much. He said he’s been very ill and upset with the situation and didn’t want to talk to anyone. He kept a distant.
I half believed it, half not, I gave him the benefit of doubt. I would feel horrible if he really had cancer, so I just stayed calm.
Beginning of March, he came back home to Hong Kong, I met him face to face, asked about the hospital. He said I prob called the wrong hospital; I just let it go. He also said his cancer is not healing 100 percent, he’s worried about his future and doesn’t want to start something he couldn’t finish, as in he doesn’t want me to linger around I guess.
I felt like he was pushing me away, I asked him if he’s breaking up with me but he said no. My curiosity went stronger, I felt strongly he’s hiding something.
Days later, he brought up another statement, he said he felt like I am taking advantage of him, asking why I never pay for meals and drinks which is not true. He was accusing me, on whatsapp, of something he never had mention in the past 11 months.
I knew something is going on, I asked him to meet face to face and I asked him to be honest, he said he feels like I am looking for someone better while being with him, OUT OF THE BLUE! He said if I said no, then he believes me, we are OK.
I knew he’s playing a mind game, something’s not right. So I starting looking up on the internet, I found out he has a 6 year old daughter through his sister’s social media account. The wife is his cofounder of this business he’s running now.
I felt betrayal and heart broken. He’s lied to me for nearly a year.
You could say I am naive, but when he’s telling lies, it was soooo real. When I doubt and question him, he could come up with another answer in no time.
He has sent me a picture of this puppy, which I asked whose. He said it’s his co founder. Later on the internet, I found a picture of this girl, whom he’s been telling me is his niece who lives in Melbourne, is holding the exact same puppy in a Hong Kong style kind of apartment.
I found on social media that the girl has the same surname as his. For sure that’s his daughter.
He’s talked about his co founder a lot too. Since 2 weeks ago, he started being very quiet but we haven’t officially broken up. At this moment, he doesn’t know what I have found out.
I asked to meet and he said we have a lot to chat, about ‘me, us, future’ but he canceled on me in the end and stayed quiet.
Just last Friday, I asked him when he’s free to meet, he basically ended it on whatsapp saying he’s happy to meet as friends and we are not going to work and he’s moving to Australia in a few weeks.
I ask him to please give me the very last respect, meet up face to face and talk. I wanted to meet him one last time and see what his excuses is, I wanted to see him lie with his eyes open then tell him what I have found out, what I already know.
Is it going to be a mistake?! Is he really a psycho? Will he flip and go mental when I told him at his face what I know!?
Today, just a few hours ago, he pretended he had sent a wrong message to me, which is suppose to be his workmate or something. I didn’t reply and he sent me another message hours later saying ‘oh sorry, was suppose to be for someone else, enjoy your day.’ He’s seeking attention.
Why would someone still be lying at this moment, when he’s already ‘broken up’ and already been acting like he doesn’t care anymore. I have no clue what is in his mind. Before, I feel angry, heartbroken, after he texted me today, I feel sad and feel sorry for him.
I feel like he is a very lonely man and just needs his lies to keep him alive 🙁
I need advice!
Why her happy marriage did not exist
He’s hoovering you. Run. He is a “right out of the books” sociopath.
Kaki pants, it does not matter if you can determine if he is a sociopath or not right now. What matters is this guy is a “pathological liar” (google this) and not only that he is cheating on his wife & children while dragging you along.
He is an awful man. He will never change even if he leaves his wife.
Which statically he is not going to leave her.
83% of Divorces are filed by the wife. And 87% of men that are caught cheating want to stay with their wife not the mistress.
Two things that are going on right now. Either his wife is doing some of her own detective work to find out what her husband is really doing, and this is why he is backing off from seeing you OR/and he has a new supply mistress and wants to spend more time with her (them).
YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN SETTLING WITH THIS PATHETIC MAN!!
Remember ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER!
My guess is he has many many woman on the side, in ever stop he visits.
You want closure…that is why you want to see him one last time?
The best closure for you is to dump this loser whether a sociopath or not and find a good kind hearted guy to love you.
THAT IS YOUR CLOSURE!!
I know it’s not easy to end this as you have been emotionally attached to him.. but he has played you just like he played his wife. I was married to a sociopath who played me endless me by telling me he loved me while all along telling the same to his endless stream of mistress who too were just victims like myself.
Look up these terms here on love fraud & also the net:
sociopath projection
gas lighting abuse
smear campaign
Sociopath NO contact rule (FOLLOW THIS RULE STARTING NOW!!)
I’m sorry you have gotten tangled up with this emotional &mentally abusive man.
Do you know you deserve better??
Do you know there are 7 billion people on this planet, half are male and half of the males are in your age group. Throw this loser back to the see…find yourself again…and when you are healed…then date…but NOT on dating sites. Donna anderson site creator has written endless articles on on line dating sites & there danger!! This guy no doubt has sucked in lots of women on these sites all over the world.
Read Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath (go to the top of LF and look under the bookstore tab) Educate yourself. 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopath & psychopath they are everywhere blending in and leaving a tornado path of emotional & mental destruction.
Hugs to you!
Take care.
Thanks Jan7. it’s so sweet to see the supportive response here. I guess I am still at the stage where still think how he could have done it. When I was trying to fix a time to meet and he sent me a message saying ‘ I know you want closure. I am moving back to Australia in a few weeks time and I have thought of a millions possibilities how we could work but it doesn’t work. I am happy to meet you as friends’. so he basically just ‘broke up’ with me over a text. I can’t describe how I felt. Angry may be the word. so I did meet him in the end. At first, I thought he would have stood me up. But he showed up. not sure if it’s closure I was trying to get but I just really wanted to meet up face to face for one last time. and so I did. I let him talk for the first 40 minutes. I asked him how his cancer, his business, all lies of course. I even chuckled a few times when he was bullshitting the way through. at the end I ask him to be honest I said cuz I am sure you are hiding something. he was struggling. It took him some time to come up with another lie. So finally, I told him in his face I knew he has a daughter and who the mum is. He stayed quiet and I realised he started sweating. all he said was ‘ok ok ok … no whatever what I say u won’t believe it. theres no point for me to say anything now’. he didn’t even admit he has a daughter. So thats it. all I wanted was for him to know that I wasn’t as stupid as he thought I was. turned out yes, he didn’t flip. I am still alive and I never hear from him since. that was about two weeks ago. True, I need something else to focus on, I know I will find a better man, its just very hard in Hong Kong. people come and go. its not easy, but will get there. I need to focus on getting a new job etc. He still keeps appearing in my mind. I still think about it. and I still sulk every now and then. Thank you so much for the support tho!!!
Hi Pants, so glad you have your closure now. I think the biggest thing you can take away from this meeting is the fact you took your rose color glasses off and saw him for what he really is = con artist.
These sociopath types all try another lie to cover up their past lies and its just never ending. My ex was exactly the same. It’s mentally exhausting to keep up with their lies & manipulation.
This guy is very worried that you will expose him to his wife. But my guess is she is on to him too. Thank your luck stars that you were not married to this guy as trying to get away from him would be a nightmare with divorce court.
I think it is very hard to find a “good guy” these days with the internet and all the trappings like porn (porn addiction) and sights that you can “hook up” with others for sex etc.
Just weed out the bad guys quickly by using your gut instinct. I imagine in a large city like Hong Kong it is hard to meet someone as it’s such a high paced life and to meet an expat even harder like you stated it’s very transient.
Glad you found out the truth with this con artist. It takes time to get them out of the “mind”. Your mind is sorting thru everything that he put you thru but the good news is your mind will settle down to a point you will never even think about him. I was the same in the beginning when I left my husband (now ex). Now I never even think about him. Good place to be!!
Wishing you all the best in your life’s journey ?
ps If you chose to see him take a friend with you!! If he is a sociopath he will want to destroy you so that his wife does not find out. So it’s best to just slam the door shut on him now by going No contact with him and move on with your life.
Mine did exactly the same . Was lying for over a year , even forged his divorce papers to convince me he was divorced. Got his wife pregnant while we were together. When I found out he was still married I sent all the evidence to her . I would advise you to the same and ignore him completely. That’s what I am doing when he tries to contact me from time to time. Meeting him won’t bring any closure he will continue lying. When I confronted mine and asked why he did it he said ‘I have no explanation ‘!
thankfully he never contacts me ever since I met him face to face! although I am still checking his social media and see what he’s up to etc. I need to stop it!
YES!! You need to stop to set your mind free.
You already know what he is up to without looking at his social media = conning people.
Follow the No Contact rule (google) = stop all phone, text & email contact with him by BLOCKING him from yours…dont look at his accounts = moving on with your life!!
I’ve been told to stop an obsession to use the 3 D’s:
Don’t obsess.
Drink water.
DO SOMETHING ELSE. Find a new interest, hobby, etc.
It sounds like you have been living his life with travel to his workplaces. You will need to move forward and get your life back. And it just shows the necessity of verifying information. A friend went on a ski trip to Aspen and met a guy who said he went to a certain university. When she got home, a relative contacted the university and he never attended it.
he said he went to Harvard Law School to my friends at lunch gathering. One friend asked him ‘where did you live back then, I was at Boston College ‘ he said ‘I don’t remember’ so my friends were questioning and told me something is not right about this guy, how could you not remember where you lived.
And later after I found out he had a family. I was just curious. I did a reference check with Harvard Law School. The authority said his name isn’t found.
Kaki Pants, I see now that this is the original post. I agree with the others. This man is a sociopath. If you read the information on them, you will see that they don’t all “act” like psychos. Many of them are kind and sweet and seem like the guy next door. When you finally find out the frequency and magnitude of the lies, you are just astounded. You can’t imagine this kind, sweet, gentleman can lie so sincerely and so easily. This is how they are and this is why so many people get conned. Trust your gut instinct on this one. Run and don’t look back. The sooner you can break all times, the sooner you can recover and get on with your life.
PITY is a tool for the manipulater!!