By | April 11, 2014 18 Comments

Beware The Female Sociopath

Twenty years ago, a newspaper unknowingly helped conceal a sociopath’s secrets by painting the woman as a loving maternal figure. In an interview granted by the publication, she described her “heartbreak” over lack of adequate benefits for her mentally handicapped son. Attached to the article is a photo of the frail looking woman, packing a lunch for him as he looks on in the background. Frustrated with the state’s deficient programs, she is quoted as having “cried many, many tears” because there were such limited opportunities for her son. Little did the interviewer know it was all a ruse to cover the truth: this same mother mentally, verbally and physically abused her son, gaslighted him, neglected him, attempted to drug him, and used his social security benefits to help fund trips to the bar. And she never cried “many, many tears.” I know this because……they were my mother and my brother. And because she often used the “many, many tears” line to manipulate others.

I don’t think anyone doubted my father’s sociopathic tendencies. He looked mean, especially when he was angry. But sometimes it’s the less obvious people who do more damage. Women are not normally suspected of sociopathic behavior because they are seen through a maternal veil. Females are regarded as the nurturers of their brood. I admit: before my mother’s diagnosis, if I’d heard the terms “sociopath” or “psychopath”, my first thought probably would’ve been Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy. This gender-bias helps camouflage some very dangerous people. According to a recent article by the International Journal of Women’s Health, psychopathy research is primarily focused on men, “risking misjudgments of enormous consequence…..[such as] length of prison terms…. or to justify patients’ exclusion from treatment programs.”1 The truth is, sociopathic women can (and do) exhibit similar characteristics as male sociopaths. And most professionals agree that treatment programs for true sociopaths are unsuccessful.

Certainly one would never peg a dainty, grandmotherly figure as a sociopath. One of California’s most cruel women hid well behind this disguise. Living in a quiet gingerbread Victorian house, Dorothea Puente was known for charity work, socializing with local politicians, and caring for other elderly people. She looked like a sweet older lady. She often wore silk chiffon dresses and matching coats. Her appearance deceived many people for years (including county officials, health inspectors, social workers, and the police), despite the strange activities at her house and the foul odors emanating from her backyard. Years later, detectives discovered her ghastly secret: she had murdered the elderly people she cared for and buried them in her back yard. Meanwhile, the victims’ forged social security checks funded her tailored wardrobe and well-kept lifestyle. As forensic experts were excavating her yard for bodies (and after the first of seven bodies had been found), Dorothea – wearing purple pumps, a pink dress, and carrying a pink umbrella – asked officers if she could leave to get coffee at a nearby restaurant. Her demure appearance not only lulled officers into trusting her, but the detectives even escorted her past the swarms of media! She escaped to Los Angeles, where she was eventually captured. Sacramento police later conceded they made an error in judgment.2

I think it is only normal for people to doubt their instincts when faced with something that doesn’t seem plausible. Clinical psychologist Martha Stout wrote in her book The Sociopath Next Door: “Over the years, listening to hundreds of patients who have been targeted by sociopaths, I have learned that within an organization or community, in the event that a sociopath is revealed to all and sundry, it is not unusual to find that several people suspected all along, each one independently, each one in silence.” This passage was especially poignant for me. Many people, myself included, were tricked by my mother – only to say later “I had a feeling………”.

I am not at all suggesting we should become cynical or paranoid. I still believe most people are kind-hearted. Those of us who were duped by sociopaths were harmed because we do care. What I am saying is that we should pay attention to our gut instincts when something doesn’t seem right. We shouldn’t assume a person is trustworthy because outward appearances seem more logical than our intuition. Sociopaths thrive on the fact that altruism often trumps instinct. They count on it.

1. Wynn, R., Hoiseth, M., Pettersen, G. (June 1, 2012) Psychopathy In Women: Theoretical and Clinical Perspectives. International Journal of Women’s Health.

2. Associated Press (1988, Nov 20) Puente Escaped Cluthes of Law Several Times. North Carolina Star News.

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Hi Bets,

Here’s what I’ve done, and how I’ve thought about it to help me cope with some residual anger and bitterness, and with the sock-puppets of the sociopath.

First, I was able to go totally no contact with spath (no kids, etc).

2. Let go of the $ he owed me. Paid the 10,000+ dollars on my own. This was hard, and I still feel some residual disgust at his total lack of responsibility. But, for the most part this is over, and paid off.

3. Never spoke to him, or ANYONE he knows. Ever. I would cross the street, take a different bus, leave the restaurant. Whatever it took, I avoided the sock-puppets and crazies.

4. Lived with my feelings of anger, resentment/sadness, and they did simmer down. I didn’t try to stop my feelings. I worked with them, and a couselor, to let them live out their ‘natural lives’. Grief and betrayal take time. AND, they never simply disappear, they become part of the fabric of who we are. New griefs can still trigger this old grief.

5. Shared my ongoing frustrations and pains with only those who were completely understanding and supportive. Avoided ALL people who could not relate to my circumstances. This was lonely, but for me was necessary.

6. Thought: ‘there are millions of disordered people in the world, doing zillions of bad things. I don’t have control over them, and I don’t have control over this one who betrayed me’.

Somehow putting him in the catagory as all the rest (who I don’t know, and don’t care what they are ‘up to’) helped me place him in his place of irrelevance. That doesn’t mean I am forgetting the lessons I learned from my entanglement. It just helped me disengage emotionally.

On a personal note I have found out he returned to my city. I am disappointed he returned (more so that he isn’t just dead!). So, I still have these feelings, and likely always will. I am sure his back burner friends and enablers are thrilled that their ‘spiritual teacher’ has returned to them.

But honestly, after 6 years it isn’t a PTSD thing anymore. I feel mostly indifference, and not a lot of fear.

I hope this helps some.



Thank you for posting this! I am still in a very precarious situation with my ex who I wholeheartedly believe to be a sociopath. Unfortunately, our year old son is in the middle of this and after months of battling in the courts, a temporary visitation schedule has still not been put in place. Once orders have been put in place I will feel more willing to tell my story. As for now, I have been doing as much research on sociopaths as I can since I did not really know what a sociopath was before this terrible nightmare began. It was a friend of hers who contacted me after she found out what my ex had done and used the term “sociopath” for her. She was also able to shed light on my ex’s past and so many things began to make sense. What I have realized immediately is that there are so many gender biases not only when it comes to a mother and her child as opposed to a father and his child, but also as I research sociopaths. It’s so frustrating to see how clearly she fits the mold of a sociopath (thank you Donna for the information about identifying a sociopath) yet is able to pull the wool over the eyes of law enforcement, the courts, her family and how she’s made a mockery of the judicial system. So many times I read about women “man bashing” their exes, and the male gender specifically, when they should be more generally bashing on sociopaths or the disorder itself for causing such destruction and pain. I’m living proof that women can do things that are illegal, immoral and most frighteningly… dangerous to the safety of our child’s health. Thus far she’s been able to get away with all of it! Thank you for posting this. I hope that people (mental health professionals, survivors, law enforcement, the judicial system, etc.) will begin to open their minds to see that women are just as capable of committing heinous acts and crimes just as easily as men. With all the talk about equality, I’d love for the subject of sociopaths to be treated with equality as well.

deeplywounded – I am so sorry for your experience, but glad that you are seeing the truth. Yes, there are many female sociopaths – and they are just as manipulative and deceitful as the males.

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