A reader says: “I kept wondering what was going on in his head. I could never follow his thinking. I think he might have been into alcohol and drugs and that in itself messes the brain, and along with his other personality disorders, sure makes for a confusing relationship.”
The thinking patterns of the psychopath are indeed weird. It seems there are biological and intentional reasons for this. In others words, he is unable to think very logically PLUS he intends to mislead. No wonder he is hard to follow!
Below I list several factors which together make the psychopath a most bamboozling character.
The odd speech of psychopaths
The psychopath makes “frequent use of contradictory and logically inconsistent statements”, says Robert Hare in ‘Without conscience.’ E.g. “A man serving time for armed robbery replied to the testimony of an eyewitness, “He’s lying. I wasn’t there. I should have blown his fucking head off.” It is as if, says Hare, they have “difficulty monitoring their own speech”.
Psychopaths may also construct strange words: ‘unconscientious’ for unconscious’, ‘antidotes’ for ‘anecdotes’. Perhaps there is something about the brain of the psychopath that contributes to his odd speech.
Drug and alcohol abuse
With their poor ability to tolerate frustration and their high need for stimulation (same thing?), the psychopath is likely to abuse drugs and alcohol which obviously affects the ability to think. Chronic abuse damages the brain.
But, as M.L. Gallagher recently writes, he speaks in riddles purposely too.
The intention to deceive
This doesn’t need much elaboration here. The psychopath wants to get something. He may simply take it by force. Otherwise he will use his cunning to fool the other person. (Interestingly, the illogicality of his arguments doesn’t stop him successfully conning one person after another.)
Logical fallacies
Most of us use logical fallacies when we argue or try to persuade. Some of these are errors in our own thinking, some are conscious manipulations. Just accentuating a different word can make all the difference: “Mom said that we musn’t throw stones at the windows” (i.e. she didn’t say anything about hitting them with a tennis racket).
We can fully expect that the psychopath, with his flawed thinking plus his intention to deceive, will use every logical fallacy in the book. Bear with me for a couple of paragraphs.
Take the example the logical fallacy, the ‘ad hominem argument’. It has two types, circumstantial and abusive. In the circumstantial ad hominem argument the circumstances of the other are confronted instead of the evidence: “Of course you don’t accept that it’s OK to be a loan-shark. You’re a Christian and Christ drove the money lenders out of the temple.” (But that’s irrelevant; if I was Jewish what would your defense be then?)
In the abusive ad hominem argument the opponent is attacked instead of their argument: “You criticise me for loan-sharking, but three years ago you were arrested for drunk driving.” (What does that have to do with loan-sharking?)
Paramoralism
But the psychopath uses fallacies with an evil twist. Whenever possible he’ll use a logical fallacy as a paramoralism. In other words, he won’t use a fallacy only to win a point but also use it moralistically in order to corrode the other’s moral thinking.
How would a psychopath argue ad hominem? Several readers have mentioned precisely this example: “What kind of Christian are you to accuse me of this?” (Again, the other’s Christianity is irrelevant to the topic at hand.) Can you see the difference? Unlike the examples above where the opponent’s Christianity is used to score a point or bring the argument to an end, here the other is being denounced as a bad Christian. An open-minded person is likely to say to themselves, “Maybe he’s right. Perhaps I’m the bad one here.”
Perhaps you have an example to share of the bewildering speech of a psychopath?
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For glimpse into the wacky thought-processes of the narcissist see this article.
Mine ‘wanted’ to be my teacher.. and I didn’t sign up for the course.. nor do I think I needed what he was offering up as as subject matter.. therefore, once again I thwarted his power over me…
yes.. we both liked the movie.. and he called me Bella.. there were many things that we did like and similarities… and of course, there had to be something or we wouldn’t have been together… but he was drawn to me.. or so he said.. and I never felt that drawn to him.. I felt it more after he left.. he yanked it away fast so I felt the void… even though I wanted him to go so badly..
Even on the third date, I was thinking what’s the deal with this guy .. when is he leaving? Then I told him that I wanted to go workout, so he needed to go on.. and I was moving into my new house the next day…
I even remarked to a girl while working out.. ” Have you ever been on a date and you couldn’t get the guy to leave…?i It was hard to get this man to leave..”
That right there was my warning and I should’ve heeded it..
As I was reading Kathy’s initial description of meditation, I caught myself thinking “that’s totally jon kabat zinn…” and then a few posts later Kathy’s reccomendation of his book FCL. 🙂
I’d like to add that JKZ’s other book “wherever you go there you are” was one of the first two books my therapist reccomended at my first visit post initial breakup w s-ex… when his crazymaking served as trigger that catapulted me into a constant state of anxiety and panic, unleashing all the “issues” from my entire life. ( the other book of course was walking on eggshells – from my first description she had him pegged as a borderline – sociopath would be my discovery later)
Anyway the WYGTYA book was lifesaving — as was learning how to be in the moment and breathe. Learning how to be aware of and ultimately take control of my panic and anxiety was the first step in empowering me to re-gain control of my life. I am not exaggerating that importance or the value of the book.
Along with LF and my therapist, mindfulness meditation has been among the greatest gifts of my recovery. And, most importantly i find even at times when I am not actively meditating, those skills are more present in my daily life. as a result I am more able to be “in the moment” in every day life and see many things more clearly/as they are… people’s intentions, motivations, my reactions, triggers… just by being open to the message and observing.
The N I dated also wanted to be my teacher. She was the one who was obnoxious to the cab driver to get him to drive faster so that we could get to mediation more quickly. umm, no.
In her letters post POST breakup, she mentioned that I was her teacher in this way and that way. uh huh.
She was getting more deeply into yoga again after we separated. When she came to visit a year ago she was consumed with what her body was doing in yoga- could speak of almost nothing else. She wanted some sort of stroking that I wasn’t giving. I would get really quiet inside when she got into trying to pump me for the 3rd or 4th or 5th compliment about the same thing in an hour. A part of me would just watch my response to her and not stroke. My mom spent all her time stroking my dad. it’s a no go with me.
Doing yoage several times a week, meditating in yoga, ‘it’s like i dont have to sit in (buddhist) mediation anymore, I just do crow and i…blah blah blah.’ And she left my house last year after she raised her fist to my face. (I looked her square in the eye and said, ‘i’ll charge you’, and didn’t flinch)
I don’t respond that well the Ns; now, GIVE me a spath in need of sympathy and Well, my gawd i am in like flinn!
night night.
The trade…
Well, I was fascinated and attentive and eager. And they wee flattered and delighted to have a serious listener. And then I was willing to help them out and be a kind of apprentice, or do little services in gratitude for their opening up a new world to me. And they were willing to take the time to teach someone who was at a lot lower level. And of course, I would massage their ego in other ways to keep them feeling good about themselves, but also to keep them interested in spending time with me. And they would usually be older and more established, so I would be a kind of trophy girlfriend or wife while I got the benefits of their position.
If this just makes you want to go “yuck,” what can I say? I didn’t see myself as a cynical user. I was just hungry for life, knowledge and a chance to be something, and I really did fall in love with these people.
At some point in my life, I became established and my learning from people became a lot more casual, just picking up information wherever I saw something worth learning. Then later, a switch turned and I started mentoring other people. And learned what it was like on the other side of that.
In these romanticr relationships with mentors, I always was the one to leave, because I didn’t feel like they respected me as an equal. (I wasn’t, but I was tired of it.) In the relationships where I was the teacher, it was more likely that I got left, but in a painful way that indicated less gratitude than I felt I deserved for how I’d changed their lives. (While they, quite understandably, felt that they’d done the heavy lifting of learning and changing themselves.)
I’m not sure if that answers your question. But I know that I’ve gotten much more boundaried about both types of relationship, and more clear about what I’m willing to give and what I want back.
Hecate: One of my favorites is ‘going to pieces without falling apart’, by Mark Epstein. It has spoken to me for a long time – his vulnerability shines through, on his path to be a shrink he became a buddhist.. he recognized the neurosis of being human early on.
good night.
Kathleen – thanks for the considered response. Yes, it’s clear and I understand.
And can write my own transition from young one to adult to teacher. I think I miss the ‘student of life’ period of my life…the firsts, being new to something, the enthusiasm.
much to think about.
I really like your writing on anger. It’s magical. Not lip service to the learning that anger can bring. I need some help in this area. I need to stand outside of systems – religious or otherwise and really learn about how to be in my own skin again, know and live my values.
Right now I would like to smack everyone who…well, actually I just want to smack everyone. I want to defend myself and I really wish that force would work. No more listening and trying yada, yada. Just: fuck you, pow.
I would like to hurt the spath. hugely angry with her – and I am not sure what to do with it. I have meditated enough to see that I can be paranoid – it is rising and falling right now – I am up and down, and trying to just allow myself that; to be erratic. I find it really difficult to focus on my work. or anything. except walks and being here. and being here triggers me, and it is also compulsive. if i am typing, I am not eating…but neither am i going inside deeply.
I am working my way through the betrayal bond. it’s very good.
okay, i am going to bed now.
Kathy,
You just reminded me of the time I met a fledgling meditation teacher who was managing a 3-month retreat I was at. At the end of the retreat, we started a romance, with me eventually flying across the country to spend a weekend with him. I actually left my boyfriend for him, and he was really just playing with me. I was pretty upset about it, and it still upsets me to think about it. I wish I’d exposed him. It’s too late now; it was about 23 years ago. Geez, no wonder my relationships with men are so whacked. I have years of exploitation from men to overcome.
In my experince anyone that is overdone on some religious or spiritual practice has major issues that they are hiding from or they use how elevated that they ‘think’ they are to control others… I was sucked in by this guy because he was really differnet in his approach.. although I wasn’t totally sucked in..
those that are overdone on some spiritual practice, I find to be lacking in many things…they use it as an escape..
Here this guy was with little money, many ex-wives, children with all sorts of issues and he is living in myhouse telling me how I should be and that we are soulmates .. when little about us was similar and I never felt the ‘soulmate’ connection with him.. I thought him a handsome man but was never attracted to him really.. it was like he brainwashed me for awhile.. the issue for me is that I allowed it for awhile. I allowed his mess into my life… and now, at times.. my life seems a bit empty because he and his mess is not in it..
That is what I need to look at in myself.. I am fortunate.. I have a peaceful life and I worked to make it so… I got out of things.. healed.. had no children with sickos.. just to have children.. I wasn’t living blind and hopeful but in common sense reality.. and learning as I go..It was him that needed what I had.. I didn’t need him for anything but companionship.. and when that companship was controlling on my doing things not viable and even uncomfortable for me.. I didn’t allow it..
And he realized I wasn’t buying what he was selling.. although I did by the dream for awhile…
I didn’t need a ‘teacher’ although we all learn and teach each other.. I didn’t need someone designating themselves and my teacher.. I need an equal and we share.
and he was not my equal .. he is a mess on most levels, and his life decisions created something that I don’t choose to live.
onestep,
You sound exactly like someone who has just lifted the lid on a lot of unexpressed anger and un-attended-to need to defend her own boundaries.
You’ve read my articles on anger, so I won’t go back through that. But I’m not certain I was ever really clear on exactly what we learn in this phase and what we have to master before we move on.
Before I write that, I want to add that there is a great deal of conflicting information on anger. And in judging it’s value to us, it helps to understand that anger looks very different, depending on where we are on the path. When we’re in the early stages, it looks scary. When we’re in the middle stage of being angry, it feels like a good and important thing. When we’re in the middle-late stage of internal house-cleaning, we recognize it as a valuable piece of our emotional system, but something that massively alters our perception and leaves ash behind in our system. And finally, when we get to self-love and compassion, we see it as a symptom of rules, demands, attachments, etc. that need to be re-evaluated for their usefulness in our lives.
So I’m writing here from the perspective of the angry phase, inside it. It has it’s own story arc, from introduction to mastery. And these are some of the steps we have to go through to move through that arc:
1. Getting over our fears related to anger — like whether we will be stuck there forever, whether it will make us unlovable, whether it is unfair to other people — and allowing ourselves to experience our internal reaction to threat to our integrity and well-being.
2. Recognizing the focusing effect of anger on our thinking and perception — the increased energy, the narrowing of vision to our issue with something that threatens us, the increased incisiveness of angry thinking (the nature of the threat and threatener, the potential harm to us, the inceased awareness surrounding circumstances, and options we have), and the fact that it is an internal demand for us to do something to ensure our wellbeing.
3. Gradually learning to manage the “old” anger by looking into our memories to discover the original cause, so that we stop displacing it on things that remind us of the original cause. Sometimes we can take action on that old cause, like changing a circumstance (perhaps with our families) that continues to threaten or harm us. Sometimes it’s an event from the past that is long gone and unfixable, and then we may have to do a full trauma-processing on that to resolve it.
4. Practicing with using the energy and focus that anger gives us to deal with threats. Discovering what works and what creates more problems for us. Developing more defensive skills of avoidance, diversion, confrontation. Developing more offensive skills of assertiveness, verbal clarity and conscious awareness of our enviroments. (The offensive skills become a lot more refined in later stages, when we’re more engaged in proactively seeking what we want in our lives, rather than eliminating what we don’t want.)
5. Realizing the anger, unlike previous strategies for dealing with threats (denial, bargaining), is a “separating” feeling. In anger, we draw a line between our interests and other’s interests, and we start to understand the concept of entitlement to take care of ourselves, rather than accommodating others in a way that requires us to sacrifice our well-being for theirs. (Again, the concept of caring for ourselves becomes a lot more advanced when we move beyond self-defense to creating a life that reflects what we want and who we really are.)
6. Developing a clearer sense of this “line” as a natural boundary that is part of our integrity as a person. It is something that doesn’t only exist when we are in bad circumstances, but that is literally part of our being, defining the edge between me and not-me.
7. Seeing the birth of a new kind of understanding that what is inside the line, the “I,” belongs to us. Taking care of ourselves is an entitlement but also a responsibility. What goes on outside that line is not necessarily within our control, though we can become better at influencing it and/or choosing what we want to have around us. But what goes on inside that line belongs to us, like a house in which we live. And inside, we can and must arrange ourselves for our own peace, happiness and ability to be our best selves.
We graduate from the anger phase when we understand what it’s for, how to use it, and develop sufficient self-defensive awareness and skills that we feel more confident about our ability to handle new threats. All of this brings us to the next stage of facing the truth that past loss is real and unchangeable (grief). That not even the most clever and focused efforts of our anger can change the past. That we only feel loss for what we valued and loved, and we must learn that loving and letting go are not incompatible. That the ashes of anger keep us in grief, and we need to do some internal housekeeping to move on. And that in letting go, two wonderful things happen. One is that we make room in ourselves for some new lovable thing to arrive. The other is that we discover the gift of knowledge and wisdom that remains when we stop obsessing on the loss.
The process goes on from here, but it’s not relevant to this discussion.
I call this whole path trauma-processing, and I’m sure there are other things to call it. But before leaving the topic, I need to mention that this “path” is something we do all the time in large and small ways. It’s just limbic or emotional learning, triggered by real-world events. If we burn a finger getting a piece of toast out of the toaster, we go through a version of this, and eventually come out of the experience with a new understanding of reality, a better ability to manage it, and an increased ability to create the life we want (melting butter on the hot toast, rather than toast growing cold while we run water on our finger).
That is, unless we refuse to admit we burned our fingers and therefore have to do it a few more times before we grasp that a potentially painful reality exists. Or we decide that we can bargain with this reality, maybe unplugging the toaster to see if we can get toast without risk. Or we get stuck in blaming the toaster or the people who made it as evil and uncaring. Or we get depressed about the fact that our dream of toast with no burned fingers isn’t showing up for us, and we think that God doesn’t really love us and therefore we’re probably not worthy and shouldn’t try to do anything at all. There are lots of little seductions in the path, but fortunately we’re made to heal and eventually that healing energy compels us onward to letting go and getting the wisdom out of our experiences.
But relationships with sociopaths are not single-trauma events. There are lots of small things to process in the big thing, and most of us discover lots of hooks into our past, old traumas that are related to this. It’s why getting over these things takes so long. There are layers on layers.
Fortunately, once we break through to anger, we’re also breaking through to reality, the acknowledgement that something bad happened to us. And that it originated from the outside world; we didn’t make it up, we didn’t ask for it, and the source had its own momentum that had nothing to do with us. At that point, we’re out of la-la land and working on our own survival, wisdom and ultimate triumph in turning the apparent loss into life-changing personal growth.
Another very long post — apologies — but I hope it’s useful.
Kathy
Good Post Kathy..
Anger is a healthy normal response.. if it’s not expressed in some form than it is turned inward and do harm..
so writing on here, talking to friends..thinking .. talking to self… working out in any form helps to move it through the body…
Stuffing it with food, liquor or drugs does nothing, of course, but harm and delay its release…
Nothing is wrong with saying that you are angry.. we have for some stupid reason decided that to be angry is wrong when it is normal and healthy.. people don’t like to feel our anger.. so what..
owning, admitting and expressing anger gets us past it.. and not stuck in it…
Sometimes.. I am really angry at myself for things that I have done to myself.. in my just not being aware enough to set boundaries.. and I get angry at others for what they did or how they took advantage or tried to take advantage.. that feeling of anger makes me know that something is wrong.. then I look at it.. process it.. and let it go.. sure it comes back at times.. but owning it gets you past it..