A reader says: “I kept wondering what was going on in his head. I could never follow his thinking. I think he might have been into alcohol and drugs and that in itself messes the brain, and along with his other personality disorders, sure makes for a confusing relationship.”
The thinking patterns of the psychopath are indeed weird. It seems there are biological and intentional reasons for this. In others words, he is unable to think very logically PLUS he intends to mislead. No wonder he is hard to follow!
Below I list several factors which together make the psychopath a most bamboozling character.
The odd speech of psychopaths
The psychopath makes “frequent use of contradictory and logically inconsistent statements”, says Robert Hare in ‘Without conscience.’ E.g. “A man serving time for armed robbery replied to the testimony of an eyewitness, “He’s lying. I wasn’t there. I should have blown his fucking head off.” It is as if, says Hare, they have “difficulty monitoring their own speech”.
Psychopaths may also construct strange words: ‘unconscientious’ for unconscious’, ‘antidotes’ for ‘anecdotes’. Perhaps there is something about the brain of the psychopath that contributes to his odd speech.
Drug and alcohol abuse
With their poor ability to tolerate frustration and their high need for stimulation (same thing?), the psychopath is likely to abuse drugs and alcohol which obviously affects the ability to think. Chronic abuse damages the brain.
But, as M.L. Gallagher recently writes, he speaks in riddles purposely too.
The intention to deceive
This doesn’t need much elaboration here. The psychopath wants to get something. He may simply take it by force. Otherwise he will use his cunning to fool the other person. (Interestingly, the illogicality of his arguments doesn’t stop him successfully conning one person after another.)
Logical fallacies
Most of us use logical fallacies when we argue or try to persuade. Some of these are errors in our own thinking, some are conscious manipulations. Just accentuating a different word can make all the difference: “Mom said that we musn’t throw stones at the windows” (i.e. she didn’t say anything about hitting them with a tennis racket).
We can fully expect that the psychopath, with his flawed thinking plus his intention to deceive, will use every logical fallacy in the book. Bear with me for a couple of paragraphs.
Take the example the logical fallacy, the ‘ad hominem argument’. It has two types, circumstantial and abusive. In the circumstantial ad hominem argument the circumstances of the other are confronted instead of the evidence: “Of course you don’t accept that it’s OK to be a loan-shark. You’re a Christian and Christ drove the money lenders out of the temple.” (But that’s irrelevant; if I was Jewish what would your defense be then?)
In the abusive ad hominem argument the opponent is attacked instead of their argument: “You criticise me for loan-sharking, but three years ago you were arrested for drunk driving.” (What does that have to do with loan-sharking?)
Paramoralism
But the psychopath uses fallacies with an evil twist. Whenever possible he’ll use a logical fallacy as a paramoralism. In other words, he won’t use a fallacy only to win a point but also use it moralistically in order to corrode the other’s moral thinking.
How would a psychopath argue ad hominem? Several readers have mentioned precisely this example: “What kind of Christian are you to accuse me of this?” (Again, the other’s Christianity is irrelevant to the topic at hand.) Can you see the difference? Unlike the examples above where the opponent’s Christianity is used to score a point or bring the argument to an end, here the other is being denounced as a bad Christian. An open-minded person is likely to say to themselves, “Maybe he’s right. Perhaps I’m the bad one here.”
Perhaps you have an example to share of the bewildering speech of a psychopath?
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For glimpse into the wacky thought-processes of the narcissist see this article.
yeh right how pathetic, did he think saying that would make it ok that he did it anyway, how bizarre. i hope you did not accept his behaviour. anyway they cant love another human being that is the whole problem, and we need to realise this asap. they cant love the way we do they are not capable his brain is different to ours. and that is a fact ask the doctors on this site . thanks for your coment though it rings true with things that happened to me too.
Hi Jules. Yes my ex had 13 mobile phones, probably one for each woman! I agree my ex hid behind his mobile. The perfect screening device. At one point I refused to converse by text – I have learned alot since then.
Communication with a psychopath is no easy task. Just trying to work out the lies and half/truths is hard enough. But about the cell phone. My ex psychopath needed a cell phone, like a addict needing a fix. They can’t go without one! I for one never like cell phones and now have another reason not too.
The examples provided above are excellent – if one can use that word for such pitiful and laughable simulations of human communication.
The awful thing is that this stuff does get under one’s skin. The remedy – don’t engage (even when it pops up here). There’s always some sick ulterior motive at work.
The Psychopath I had the misfortune of being married to/living with for 15 years had been diagnosed as a child with a condition that I had never heard of before, which seems to correlate with this article. Several years ago, I began to dig around a bit for info once I recognized the possible correlation.
The condition he was diagnosed with at the age of 5:
Dysphonic Aphasia
-Dysphonia: Speech disorder attributable to a disorder of phonation, a disorder of oral speech
Aphasia: Partial or total loss of the ability to articulate ideas or comprehend spoken or written language
His condition is EXTREMELY apparent-it was not “outgrown” once he became adult. When I met him for the very first time, I was struck by how difficult it was for me to understand his speech-I continually had to ask him to repeat what he had just said. After having been around him for a length of time, my ear/brain had adjusted to the point where I was able to automatically interpret his speech but it took that period of adjusting/familiarizing.
And I was always reminded that the condition existed when we were in a social situation when he was speaking to a stranger-they had the same initial reaction I had, constantly having to ask him to repeat himself.
When he writes, it is as described in this article. Odd sentence structure, bizarre use of wording, twisted non-logic and/or circular logic, non-sequiters, complete word salad.
-Stunned
When I first started seeing mine – after we’d been dating awhile he kept putting me off to have sex. He would always stop when we started getting in that direction and say he didnt want to do that yet because I was too special. I was different than he’d been with before and he wanted to wait and treat it with great respect and good timing. So for a long while we didnt have sex, because he was putting me on a pedestal and wanting to keep special every stage. WELL meanwhile, I know the truth now… that he was still sleepinig with his ex girlfriend for a good year of our beginnings… while telling me that I was all this and all that… we were the ONE for each other. What a head game that was and what a blow to find out how special I really “wasnt!”.
The cell phone – yes – everyone has them now but one comment he made in the beginning was referring to someone else but that that was the beauty of cell phones, you could be anywhere and say you were somewhere else.
He also said many words not quite right. A letter or two off. Like instead of something being worthwhile- he says worthwild. Lots of those type things. What is that to do with Sociopaths? I dont understand the tie.
My psychopath husband has used every trick listed and then some.
The one I became aware of first, actually started noticing this years ago, is he would say something, and then, if I challenged him on it, he’d either say he did not say that or did not mean that. Very crazy-making, until I finally realized–and this took years since he was such a convincing liar–that I didn’t mis-hear him at all (funny how I never had that problem with anyone else), and that yes he did say that and yes he did mean that.
Now that I’m on to him (like SecretMonster, he never thought he’d get caught; and were it not for him making one tactical error he would have made it to his grave unexposed)–I see all kinds of verbal gyrations. Just recently I’ve caught him contradicting himself like the man in Robert Hare’s example. The stream of contradictions is astonishing.
It’s as if he believes that reality is the last thing he said. Doesn’t matter what he said moments before. *This* is reality now. If you’ve got a problem with that then he feels “hopeless that he’ll ever be trusted,” or frustrated because you’re trying to get him “bogged down with minutia.”
He knows how to put a person on the defensive and if that doesn’t work he always has his temper to fall back on. That’ll shut a person up real quick.
And he definitely knows how to do the ad hominem attack. Kind of a perverse appeal to virtue. Several weeks ago, when I realized he is again seeing the woman he’s had his most recent long term affair with, he told me: ” You like to think of yourself as a fair-minded person. Well, if you’re so fair-minded you at least ought to consider that I might be innocent!”
(Of course he’s guilty as hell.)
A couple weeks ago, I found a report written up by the mechanic who put new tires on my car back in October. According to the report my front rotors and brake pads were completely shot. My socio husband had to have known this–he is a car person and talked at length to the mechanic–and when I accused him of deliberately withholding this info from me (as a convenient way of dealing with some of his problems, like paying spousal support and potentially being exposed to all for what he really is) he went through a series of classic psychopathic responses.
First he accused me of being paranoid and sick in the head. When I told him my thoughts were completely rational for someone who is married to a sociopath, he hung up. Five minutes later he called me four times in a row–way overboard for him. I didn’t answer but he left me two messages in which he changed his tone, pleading almost, saying “Come on, you know I’d never hurt you or our daughter. I just want the best for you and to take care of you, blah blah blah.”
Later in the day he went for the pity play. Said he’s working his ass off, wanting to drink again, he’s not eating right, he’s not sleeping right. Poor thing.
Then when I told him I called Pepboys and that they had told me that they ALWAYS tell the customer when they find repairs that need to be done–especially if it has anything to do with the brakes–he tried to discredit them.
They’re idiots, they’re incompetent, he’s fed up with them and they messed up another of his cars.
His responses only confirmed my suspicions.
finding my self again, yes we too did not have sex in the begining for a long time mainly cause i wasnt sure i wanted to be with him that way. and he too kept saying how special i was and that made him want me more, that i wanted to wait. he would say ive never met any one like u i dont meet people like you. then one night when we were in bed he started to cry really ball and when i asked whats wrong he said no one had ever treated him this way as nice as i did. he was embarassed at crying and i felt awful, i felt this was a genuine moment from him like he had never been loved i think that is what he meant he was very sad at that moment. maybe now it was just an act who knows but it did not seem it at the time. later on when we broke up he cried again and told me he lies all the time, i was confronting about most of the lies at that moment, when i said why do you lie he just said because im scared, of what i said he said of people finding out the truth. whatever that meant, he seemed very upsest at this moment too. but i think he was just upset cause i knew what he was really like and he was losing me. maybe in begining when i made him wait for sex he too was sleeping with sonmeone else. on another topic the cell phones i heard a story of a sociopath who stole his girlfriends phone and was using it to call other woman and do other evil things as they do . this lady could not find her phone for weeks then later when he was exposed, she found the phone hidden under her bed with the unpaid bills he had racked up and said he would pay but didnt. as well as all this the guy ruined her bussiness as she let him do the banking, big mistake . ouch it hurts even just to write it. my sociopath was too addicted to his cell phone and just before we broke up he mysteriously got a new phone so go figure. im sure he lied throughout our relationship about so many texts coming in while i was there with him and calls always saying its my mate or whatever. at that time i had blind trust. one night in bed his phone went off and we read the message, it was from his ex fiance telling him she was pregnant and that they should get 2 gether and have a coffee, and blatantly he told me it was a wrong number and he did not know this person. that he wasnt in touch with his ex anymore i was furious and confused by this as you can imangine. i later found out from phone bills he was lying and he called her first thing next morning on the way to work this for me was one of the first wake up calls red flags we hadnt been together that long at that stage. he begged me not to leave i forg ave him and we stayed to gethr i made a message to her saying he doesnt want anything to do with her anymore no contact, he was with me when i sent it. by the way it was not his baby. also one tiem we were trying to find a number of his aunt in his phone scrolling through the contacts i saw all these girls names not many guys it was early in our relationship and i thought thats weird that a guy has so many female friends in his phone book. also he was very guarded about his phone when we were at home he either locked it or turned it off i later found out he was doing most calling while at work. just amazing what they do to us isnt it.
gillian,
He sounds just like my almost ex husband. He’d always say I misunderstood him or he didn’t say that or he didn’t mean it or “I don’t know why I said it. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just said it.”
When I was figuring out what he was, I caught him in a lie. I didn’t tell him I knew. I waited until it came up again and he told me a different version of the story. I said that wasn’t what he said happened originally. He then asked me what he had told me. I told him and he then combined the two stories into one saying I had it wrong. (The two versions were about what happened at a restaurant while he was telling his “friend” he couldn’t see her outside of work.) The thing is he never went to a restaurant. He didn’t know it, but I had gotten his “friend’s” address. I drove by her house and our car was in the driveway.
Memories came flooding back to me when he asked me what he had said the first time and then combined the two stories. All the times I had said to him (over 18 years) “I thought you said” and he would combine the lies or say ” No, I said blah blah blah.”
Whenever I would call him on anything, which unfortunately wasn’t often, he’d say “You know I’m not like that. You know I’m not calculating.” I’d always end up feeling like there was something wrong with me because I KNEW he wasn’t like that and how could I think such a thing. Even though this particular time I’m thinking of he had admitted to lying, BUT it was because he was desperate and was just trying to take care of me and our son. He sold leased equipment and didn’t tell me until he had no choice because he couldn’t make the payments. I then made sure the payments were made by getting money from my mom. I wish so much I would have let him go to jail.
I also cannot tell you how many times I heard- they’re idiots, they don’t know what they’re doing, they’re lying, and nobody cares about anybody anymore.
The pity play- so many of them. One was (Keep in mind he left my son and me with nothing except what was in our rental house and even took the car when he moved in with his girlfriend. He had bought a Harley by this time too. I also had to file for relief to get child support.) I’M so sorry. I can’t sleep. I think about it 24 hrs. a day. I just want to be able to talk to you and talk about our son, etc. Can’t we work things out ourselves because if we have to go back to mediation my lawyer is going to make you come back down here. If you take too much money from me it’s not gong to be good for any of us because I’m not going to be able to live. If I can’t afford a place to live (he lives in his gf’s house) then I’ll lose my job and won’t be able to give you anything.
I guess a better example would have been when he told me he knew he destroyed my life and our son’s, BUT he destroyed his life and lost his family too. He hoped every time he pulled someone over and went to the window, they had a gun and would shoot him. And every time he goes to a door he hopes they have a knife and kill him. When the pity play wouldn’t work he would become angry and intimidate me.
A couple weeks after him wanting to die, he showed up for visitation in a Volvo and was staying in a chalet with his girlfriend.
Oh God yeah just that term ‘lots of female friends’ makes me cringe, as he made me feel bad/provincial objecting to them. Lots of them were married and had children. Lots of them were unattractive. He gets to choose from so many women but he’ll spend loads of time with unattractive ones. It looked like a ‘quality’ at first!
Gillan: What was the ‘tactical error’ that made you realise he’d been lying? I’m interested to know what everyone’s ‘moment of truth’ was.