A reader says: “I kept wondering what was going on in his head. I could never follow his thinking. I think he might have been into alcohol and drugs and that in itself messes the brain, and along with his other personality disorders, sure makes for a confusing relationship.”
The thinking patterns of the psychopath are indeed weird. It seems there are biological and intentional reasons for this. In others words, he is unable to think very logically PLUS he intends to mislead. No wonder he is hard to follow!
Below I list several factors which together make the psychopath a most bamboozling character.
The odd speech of psychopaths
The psychopath makes “frequent use of contradictory and logically inconsistent statements”, says Robert Hare in ‘Without conscience.’ E.g. “A man serving time for armed robbery replied to the testimony of an eyewitness, “He’s lying. I wasn’t there. I should have blown his fucking head off.” It is as if, says Hare, they have “difficulty monitoring their own speech”.
Psychopaths may also construct strange words: ‘unconscientious’ for unconscious’, ‘antidotes’ for ‘anecdotes’. Perhaps there is something about the brain of the psychopath that contributes to his odd speech.
Drug and alcohol abuse
With their poor ability to tolerate frustration and their high need for stimulation (same thing?), the psychopath is likely to abuse drugs and alcohol which obviously affects the ability to think. Chronic abuse damages the brain.
But, as M.L. Gallagher recently writes, he speaks in riddles purposely too.
The intention to deceive
This doesn’t need much elaboration here. The psychopath wants to get something. He may simply take it by force. Otherwise he will use his cunning to fool the other person. (Interestingly, the illogicality of his arguments doesn’t stop him successfully conning one person after another.)
Logical fallacies
Most of us use logical fallacies when we argue or try to persuade. Some of these are errors in our own thinking, some are conscious manipulations. Just accentuating a different word can make all the difference: “Mom said that we musn’t throw stones at the windows” (i.e. she didn’t say anything about hitting them with a tennis racket).
We can fully expect that the psychopath, with his flawed thinking plus his intention to deceive, will use every logical fallacy in the book. Bear with me for a couple of paragraphs.
Take the example the logical fallacy, the ‘ad hominem argument’. It has two types, circumstantial and abusive. In the circumstantial ad hominem argument the circumstances of the other are confronted instead of the evidence: “Of course you don’t accept that it’s OK to be a loan-shark. You’re a Christian and Christ drove the money lenders out of the temple.” (But that’s irrelevant; if I was Jewish what would your defense be then?)
In the abusive ad hominem argument the opponent is attacked instead of their argument: “You criticise me for loan-sharking, but three years ago you were arrested for drunk driving.” (What does that have to do with loan-sharking?)
Paramoralism
But the psychopath uses fallacies with an evil twist. Whenever possible he’ll use a logical fallacy as a paramoralism. In other words, he won’t use a fallacy only to win a point but also use it moralistically in order to corrode the other’s moral thinking.
How would a psychopath argue ad hominem? Several readers have mentioned precisely this example: “What kind of Christian are you to accuse me of this?” (Again, the other’s Christianity is irrelevant to the topic at hand.) Can you see the difference? Unlike the examples above where the opponent’s Christianity is used to score a point or bring the argument to an end, here the other is being denounced as a bad Christian. An open-minded person is likely to say to themselves, “Maybe he’s right. Perhaps I’m the bad one here.”
Perhaps you have an example to share of the bewildering speech of a psychopath?
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For glimpse into the wacky thought-processes of the narcissist see this article.
The tv thing happened for mine too. It wasnt silly kid shows but he would watch tons of Jerry Springer! And tape them all and catch up on it. I dont know if Jerry Springer is on everywhere for you all to know what it is but its a one hour show about real people being interviewed about some horrible cheating or lying or freaky stuff going on in their life. The people are usually very crazy, completely inappropriate, women trying to claw and fight other women, men doing all kinds of horrible things in the treatment of women — its over the top with pyscho. He watches ALL of them.
On the other side of the coin, he also watches this channel that has boring lifelike movies about regular people either in love, or with an illness or a problem child or a good or bad relationship etc… very dull – he says he watches just to see how people are in life. Now I know he LEARNS from it – learns how to fake his way through conversations with people, relationships, etc… and appear NORMAL. Its his training manual for how to look like he is a normal feeling person. Must be where all his lines come from to women or to me.
In the first year of our relationship he would always try to convince me to include another woman in sex. Or want to choke me a little or do the tie-up thing, or listen to me on the phone with a sex-line, etc. I always said no, I have no interest in that –until I guess he got it that I would not do things that didnt feel comfortable to me. So now that I know more, I figure he had these other women to provide entertainment where I would not. I was his stable comfortable person that he spent every single weekend with me at my house…the weeknights were for getting all his other excitement. And to think I was buying into to all his claims of how he finally found in me what he really wanted. “Its never been so good for him.” Of course-he got his way from everyone.
Oh and he never would use protection. Dumb on my part big-time. I asked him once why and didnt he worry he’d catch something from someone in life. He got mad, silent and said no. Looked away like we will not be discussing this again. Thank God – I believe I am still healthy after two risky years with him. Im interested how others have experienced this with them.
HI Findingmyselfagain. Yea, just like you have described, my ex didnt use protection either and it shocked me that he just wasnt bothered.
He was into S & M and its just not my thing – and I used to say to him, if I dont do it for you, will you get it somewhere else? I cant remember his reply – I could never remember what he said as his replies were always so vague. He was suggesting stuff to me that I wasnt sure about. I knew why he came round my apartment, after he got the politeness over with, he would suggest using computer to watch porn for a few hours – he must have thought I was daft! He used to ‘regulate sex’. When I first met him I was determined not to sleep with him quickly and I didnt, but oddly he never came onto me which I thought was strange. Then he was off sex for three months and I thought he didnt fancy me and teased me quite alot and he held back, in the way that there was never an emotional exchange it was very mechanical and basically it was totally unsatisfying and very mechanical – he refused to give me foreplay at all – because he didnt really want to invest in the relationship.
I did spot all the red flags, the inconsistencies between what he was saying and his action, but at the time he either dismissed it, came up with a reasonable explanation. I didnt take his explanations for gospel and I checked it out on the internet or with friends. At the time I just didnt understand what it was about – I do understand now though!
What amazes me is how he seems to have no shortage of women – but none of them have stayed with him up till now – so what he is doing is fast tracking round different women to try and pick the right one to fit him. That is why when he started acting up and I raised concern he punished me for mentioning anything. I couldnt understand it at the time – I believe in free speech in a relationship – he would basically dump me for a week or so to make me suffer. He said to me once, ‘if you keep your mouth shut – we will be fine’!
I was on his case, a part of me thought, if I just hang back and let him do what he wants he will show his true colours – which he did, so in that way, I am glad I saw it sooner rather than later, when things may be more permanent.
Unbelievable!! My Socio would say the exact same thing..Keep my mouth shut and we would be fine! As far as sex….in the begining it was odd that he always wanted to cuddle…then he would regulate sex. I would think he is a young guy that should want sex all the time…especially from a more than willing participant. Now I know he was probably getting it elsewhere. He also would skip the condums (well I did too). He made a comment to me when I had a concern, that he uses them on others just not always with me. I thought it was a joke at the time and now realize that was truth- Suprising! He made various comments that I thought were jokes but he was actually telling me straight out truths. Anyway after a solid two month break away (I should have stayed away!!) The sex was better, sexier than ever!!! I was loving it. He had said to me “Ya know, sex is not the problem with us, we need to communicate better, You have to try harder.” All i was doing was trying in the relationship…the same ways we all do. Amazing
Vindictive…Well, as of my last episode with him..Gave him money, he would blow off any plans we had and avoid me to repay (I suppose). Anyway, when I finally put my foot down He got angry, hung up the phone and he has not called or taken any of my calls…angry, silly or nice. Knowing that it is driving me crazy (I bet). Silence can be deadly!!!
I wonder something though, Findyour/Bev or anyone..He has had no contact with me, I am doing my best at this point as well. Im thinking if he had his brother call me (asking if he was here), a guy friend of his/mine call and see what I am doing the next two weekends and I saw him drive by my development (no reason for him to be around). I wonder If he is lurking, waiting until HE is ready to try and slither his way back? He twists everything- so in his mind, I made him angry so he justifies fuckin me over. Here I go again, trying to figure out what he is doing/thinking! Oh gosh!!
Change06. Yea money seems to hit a sensitive spot with them. My ex had all sorts of money ‘issues’ going on and despite working, he ran out of money exceedingly quickly. His outgoings were extremely small, as others on this site, he had very few possessions, no car, no driving license, no passport and a rented room which was kind of squalid.
I have spent thousands of hours thinking about him, trying to work out what happened, researching him etc. Presumably that is part of the game, that we become totally absorbed in that person, even when they have gone. It feels like they still have control over our minds. But we can crowd them out. I have started to become busy in sorting out my own life, so that thoughts of him are ‘relegated to the back shelf’. Just trying to work out what they may be doing or thinking means that you are still attached and that is just a huge waste of mental energy which could be better spent. But I have done all that myself and it is starting to wear thin on my now. They are not our ruler, they are not omnipotent, and when I sort through the facts from the fantasy I seem them in a different light which makes detaching from them all the more easy.
If I could sum up my time with this man – it would be that he wanted to control every aspect of the relationship and me in it. Deep down there must be a lurking fear that prevents them from giving control to another?
He had to be dominant at all times and if I crossed him, he would punish me by distancing and ambivalence (no anger (control), no physical punishment) he would withdraw and go and s..g someone else – behind my back – not only to get one over me, but to teach me a lesson (in his mind).
Their behaviour, their twisted words, their lies, their vampirish behaviour, their cruelty, must be the extreme form of hanging onto control?
The one thing they never do – is to be upfront about who they are and what they are up to!
Shocking to ‘think’ you know and love someone, you care for them and it is all a pretense to them – they are fraudulent and pranksters at the worst level.
change06:
I have reached the point of done about 4 major times in our 2 years. Varying degrees of me being fed up with lies found out or “other women” issues. Each time we go thru the same cycle – he ignores me for awhile, then slowly starts with a bit of reaching out to me and then it gets more and more. I think the initial ignoring is “punishment” for having taken control and putting your foot down. He ignores you until you breakdown and give the control back. This would be by you contacting him. Then he has won.
For me, this time I am working VERY hard to not give him the control back. The hard part is we are 2 sided relationship. One is full of lies and cheating and manipulating. The other we are very good friends, lovers and very comfortable partners. He likes it when I dont put attention on the lying side of things – then we go along beautifully and a relationship anyone would yearn for. We used to laugh that we’d get comments ALL THE TIME when out and about, about how happy we looked and what a great couple we made! If they (and I) only knew!! ha!
So therefore its hard for me to abstain from calling at times because I miss the friendship in a sick sort of way. This time I have the help of this site, 10 times more help to me than going to counseling was. I am on a mission to never dial that phone again. Count yourself lucky while he ignores you ~ try to build up your strength to stay out of that relationship if it is what you know in your gut that it is.
I think this story also shows how psychopaths can use language to confuse and point the finger at someone else. My ex use to impulsively bite and pinch us in an annoying and sometimes hurtful way. One day my son, who was five at the time, was sitting next to him on the couch. He had his knees pulled up to him. His knee has a scab from a recent cut. My ex impulsively bent down and bit his cut…causing it to bleed. My son started to cry and asked his dad why he had hurt him, my ex replied, “I bit you because you don’t love me. If you loved me you wouldn’t cry, and you are crying and so I know you don’t love me.” Isn’t that crazy reasoning. He bit him before he cried, but because he cried, he said he knew his son did not love him and so bit him. So crazy.
To Findingmyselfagain. What you describe is partly what kept me hooked into the relationship. When things were going good, we were like good friends, very comfortable with each other. But I have thought about this and I realise that even when things were good, I was still not totally comfortable in myself, I was suspicious of him, I was anxious, waiting for the next bit of drama. I had a narcissistic father, I knew how to be around him and how not to rock the boat -in a sense I could not be my true self. But because we have put so much into the relationship, we HOPE that those good times remain. The downside is that we put up with the other side of it, as you say. But bearing in mind that the relationship is not based from a genuine standpoint to start with, it will always be badly out of balance and we as the caring side of the partnership will always suffer the most. In the long run, the cumulative effects of being eroded and being in a roller coaster relationship will take their toll. Even if the good times are very good and the bad times very bad – it is a dysfunctional relationship.
The test of a genuine relationship, is also what happens during the not so good times and how the other person copes with conflict etc and what respect is maintained by the other person. Liars and cheats will always rot the foundation of a potentially good relationship. Honesty and trust are part of the ‘good glue’ that keeps relationships together. Lies, deception, betrayal, false promises (which I had in abundance) are corrosive and harmful. The balance of control, respect, transparence (honesty) and trust in a relationship, I think are really important.
finding my self a gain. yes mine liked the jerry springer show too and others like that . he also liked any shows that had a lot of sex or men sleeping around with lots of woman in them he loved the show nip tuck, dont know if you have it there im in australia. also a show called californication where the main character sleeps with heeps of woman and there is a lot of sex shown. in fact i think he lives his life thinkin he is one of those guys in these shows. with the condoms thing when we were together he never used one not often i think maybe once or twice i was on the contrceptive pill any way so only if i went off it did he use something. he said in the start of our relationship that i was the only woman he had met he had ever thought about wanting a child with. then once when we had just broken up i had a pregnancy scare and he was devestated scared out of his wits that i would have a baby and trap him that way, but i played him, and said i dont expect you to do anything cause i can do it all my self i am strong. and he was really worried the main thing he worried about was the money side of it and that he would have lost his freedom. then later when we were not together he would come over as a friend and try nd have sex with me but he would make out it was me wanting it not him that he was justgoing along with what i wanted. he started using comdoms then which was a big give away he was sleeping around.a nyway this is personal but, he would not put the condom on straight away and would enter me first before putting it on which sort of defeats the whole purpose of not catching anything i thought. then he would put it on . i said to him if you have been with someone else you better put it on first straight away . thinking about it all after i was like is he that stupid, or just not worried about catching anything. then it came to me he did not care if he or i caught anything he just didnt want to get pregnant. anyway the sex thing stopped cause i am not into having sex with someone who says we are just friends, and now i know what he is like. also while we were still sleeping together but not in arelationship he never asked if i had been with anyone else. like he didnt care or just didnt even think i was capable of being with someone other than him. at that stage i was just talking about the sex was not good very emotionless no affection. then i think it was always like that he was just acting the rest of the time when i thought it was really good anyway. . i also think he damages things of mine when he visits also when i have my back turned like once he came over and i had these new expensive sunglasses a male friend had bought me. then a week later i noticed they had a big scratch on them i think he did it. also i got new phone and i visited him just after that i noticed the back of the phone was all bent out of shape and doesnt fit right now im sure he jumpd on my phone or something when i went to the bathroom or something. i never asked him cause i cant prove anything .
Yes, Yes, Yes, EVERYTHING that is mentioned about a good foundation rings loudly true! Of course I had none of it. Hooked in by complete lies that I believed and truths that I thought were lies. As far as friends…he didnt know how to be a good friend. At one point he lived with his mother (across the street from me) and he couldnt even be a good neighbor! So glad I moved. It was so easy for him then…When he pulled one of his shananagans I was right there for him to walk over and sweet talk me back or his sick family jumped in to help. Living across the street made me more insane. I became a captive in my own home and a spy, always peering out the window. My socio favorite tv show was OZ (men in prison) always intensively watching. Getting more tips cause he was possibly going back to jail, and I can only imagine what his other reasons were. Loved his porn too!
The tv thing seems to be a very common thread… shows to teach them how to act or shows to act out what they enjoy doing most. My S also loved Sopranos..he would watch episodes over and over again. Had his tv set to record every one and it never mattered how many times he saw it. I am not much for tv, but a good movie yes. So I rented all six seasons over a period of time and watched them. Granted, it was very good but now I see why. Tony Soprano had a loving, faithful, wife at home – she kinda knew of his cheating but still stayed true. Took care of his every need. Then he had his cycles of sex and relationships on the side. Paid for things for them but there was no expectations other than sex. I see now that it is exactly to a T, what he wanted with me. I was to be the loving stable one to cook and share daily regular life with, he paid for everything just like Tony did for his wife.. I had a “perfect” little setup and he got to have the normalcy and contended home life. Then on the side Tony would go thru all kinds of slutty women. Exactly the life my guy lives. He idolizes Tony Soprano is what the obsession was.
Everything about them is toxic isnt it. Not a piece of normal reality in them. I cant wait till the day I feel nothing for him. How do they get into your soul so deep when you know what a toxin they are???