In the last several months I have written a great deal on this blog about the nature of love and bonding. If you would like to know more, read The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes. I just read this book and was happy to see so much commonality with my own view.
Dr. Carnes himself survived a Betrayal Bond, and as such writes with the authority of someone who has “been there.” Remember, it is not just women who are affected by love fraud. Normal men bond and are deeply affected by their love relationships.
Dr. Carnes discusses in detail the psychological trauma associated with a relationship with a sociopath, though his book does not focus only on sociopaths. When you finish this book you will have a clear perspective on why and how you became attached to a sociopath. The book is full of questions and exercises designed to help you assess yourself and find healing.
Many people have asked me if I believe that sociopaths can change or if I think someone suspected of sociopathy should be given a second chance. Dr. Carnes spells out the criteria for allowing someone back into your life. On page 160 he gives a clear cut, sound opinion on this matter. He states that the betrayer/abuser should have:
- A clear track record of non-abusing behavior (I add 6-12 months).
- A verifiable commitment to therapy and to 12- Step Group attendance.
- A coordinated effort of joint therapy involving both partners.
- An acceptance of the consequences of his/her actions.
- A clear and earnest effort to make amends to all who have been hurt.
- An agreement for zero tolerance of old behavior.
He also states that victims need time away from the abuser to heal. These guidelines are very important because not all people with sociopathic traits are incapable of change. Sociopaths at this point are beyond help. Sociopaths are not capable of steps 1-6 above.
Dr. Carnes also addresses personal recovery and the barriers to recovery he has observed. Barriers to recovery happen because of an over dependency on the abuser in an exploitive relationship. He says victims may resist having to become independent again.
The only technical point that I took issue with regarding this book was the assertion that “Betrayal Bonds” are different qualitatively from other human bonds. I think that these bonds form for many of the same reasons and with the same neurochemistry as healthy bonds. The important point is that FEAR STRENGTHENS BONDING. Fear bonding can occur in a normal couple following a natural disaster such as an earthquake or hurricane. The unconscious often does not recognize that an abusive partner is the source of fear, so bonds can be intentionally strengthened by a sociopathic abuser.
In summary, I believe that The Betrayal Bond is clear, understandable and well written. I highly recommend the book to Lovefraud readers healing from an exploitive relationship. If you want to order the book, click on the title above to be directed to Amazon.com.
Fighter
I read this book about 3 years ago and loved it. I recommend it to all the survivors on our blog and those I encounter in person.
Another one to recommend to you Dr. Leedom – EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox
Liane Leedom, M.D.
Thanks for that Fighter!
amr
I just finished today Ann Rule’s true crime book “Dead by Sunset”. It was really enlightening to see the amazing similarities between “my” psychopath and the one in the book. (Though thankfully, as far as I know, mine has never killed anyone!) What was fascinating was seeing the same weird blend of clever calculating ruthlessness and idiotic delusional naivete.
I’ll add the Carnes book to my Amazon wishlist!
neveragain
I agree, this is a wonderful book. I read a TON of self-help books, books on narcissism, psychopathy, etc., co-dependency, etc. The two that absolutely helped me the most were #1 The Betrayal Bond….I still reread it all the time, and get more from each reading, and then EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox was very confirming for me. Also, just for straight, non-victim blaiming, I liked Keith Campbell’s book, When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself….great if you are dealing with a narcissist in a romantic relationship or got hurt. Explains the difference very clearly and simply between the normal course of a romantic relationship and the course of a “relationship” (if you can call it one) with a narcissist. But again, Betrayal Bond is best, and for encounters with psychopaths and more than just romantic relationships. Everytime I feel baffled about what I’m feeling, I go back to that book.
Ox Drover
I just ordered that book last Friday off Amazon, with shipping it is about $9 for a used copy. As a book-a-holic, I am sure that I will add this copy to my permanent libarary of reference materials along with Without Conscience. (which is so underlined and high lighted it nearly glows!)
I am anxious to get started reading it. From the excerpts I have read, I think there will be a lot of “Ah ha” moments in it for me.
Thanks, Dr. Leedom for this review.
Justabouthealed, whiy don’tyou do a book review of The Dr. Mike Fox book for us?
DancingWarrior
To assess my own situation:
1.A clear track record of non-abusing behavior (I add 6-12 months).
Separated 2 years during which he exhibtted rage, demeaning, and hostile behavior many times.
2.A verifiable commitment to therapy and to 12- Step Group attendance.
Started his therapy in April, but I don’t think he is challenged to look at himself truthfully. I don’t see change in his behavior as a result.
3.A coordinated effort of joint therapy involving both partners.
No way! After TWO sessions, twice so far, he wanted to drop out blaming the therapist both times. He called them “conflict oriented therapists”. He put it as wanting “fast track” therapy to see if there is progress quicly, not a long time.
4.An acceptance of the consequences of his/her actions.
He makes demands on my, asks for MY support, projects anger at ME. I have not heard him honestly own up to his actions. At best there was an apology–but with feigned tears.
5.A clear and earnest effort to make amends to all who have been hurt.
Nope. ALways an evasion that it’s not all him. Expectation that the world (especially ME) adapt to meet his needs.
6.An agreement for zero tolerance of old behavior.
He does not have control of his behavior. He gets overwhelmed with anxiety, anger easily, and reaches to others to fix it. An agreement would be futile. I have seen his lack of control over himself. If there is control it is manipulative.
Ox Drover
Dear Dancing Warrior,
It seems that you have assessed the situation carefully and seen “the light” that there IS NO LIGHT in this man, no changes, no chance of changes, and no desire to change.
Now it is up to YOU to ACT, for your own self preservation. Tht’s what it has come down to for all of us, our own “enlightening” moments of seeing the TRUTH. :”the truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off.” (hugs)))
Twice Betrayed
“Barriers to recovery happen because of an over dependency on the abuser in an exploitive relationship. He says victims may resist having to become independent again.”
I question this statement. In fact, my abuser needed me far worse than I needed him. I leaned on ME because he was not there in any shape or form. He leaned on me in every way…he relied on me for all guidance, emotions, why he couldn’t even balance a checkbook w/o me doing it. I did/ran everything. He couldn’t make any decisions [except to lie, cheat and deceive which seemed to pretty much come as naturally to him as breathing]. No, after I walked out…I did not notice anything different in the way of dependence/independence except I was on one salary…which is true of any divorce. The only thing I cried and mourned over was realizing he never loved, cared or respected me when I gave my all.
Ox Drover
Dear TB,
Sweetie, that is the thing about them I think, we THINK we are doing and “giving all” and they are giving nothing, but that is the part of us that seems to think if we give to others that they will reciprocate with loving us, and that our “giving our all” will make them see how much we love them and do for them. The problem is that we are doing for them what they refuse to do for themselves, ACT responsibily…I have told myself for so long I was “helping” and “giving my all” and unfortunately, I should have let them do for themselves. I should have taken care of MYSELF instead of taking care of others.
It is a difficult road to see people we love “fail” miserably, and want our “help”—but in the end, each of us must paddle their own canoes. People who love me paddle their own canoes, and I paddle mine, but we love each other because of who we are, not what we do for each other.
I need them because I love them, not “love” them because I “need” them. SHARING is not the same as one person carrying the load for both.
Years ago I noticed that one of my old oxen would let his pal carry most of the load and would hang back just a fraction so his mate was doing most of the work. I had to give him some “incentive” to pull his share and I did, and after that, he would every once in a while need a bit more reminding that it was a team, with two pulling. If I hadn’t noticed and given Buck some incentive, his partner would have gone on, uncomplaining, pulling 3/4 of the load. Sometimes I have found myself uncomplaining, pulling 3/4 or 7/8 of the load with some family members, but now I am pulling my fair share and no more. I expect each of my friends and family to pull their share and without contstant Reminding or “incentive”—they are adults and I don’t have to keep my foot up their back sides—I won’t do that any more or ever again. I am no longer willing to be “unequally yoked”—that is why the Bible forbid the Early Jews to yoke together a donkey and an ox, as they would not be equally yoked and it would cause pain to one of the pair since their strengths were different, temperments different and heights different.
It does hurt to realize that someone has been letting us pull almost the entire load, but We can decide not to continue to do this and I’m proud of you for making this decision. (((hugs))))
jelltogether
Thanks for another great resource. I really was hoping to find something to read about these types of relationships. I realized reading the checklist that 1-5 were things that he could never do, in fact rather than make amends he would conciously avoid those people he knew he hurt through his behavior towards me and as for #6, well he “promised he would never behave like that again” and that was one of his biggest lies. So my math says 1+5 = Never going to change.