In the last several months I have written a great deal on this blog about the nature of love and bonding. If you would like to know more, read The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes. I just read this book and was happy to see so much commonality with my own view.
Dr. Carnes himself survived a Betrayal Bond, and as such writes with the authority of someone who has “been there.” Remember, it is not just women who are affected by love fraud. Normal men bond and are deeply affected by their love relationships.
Dr. Carnes discusses in detail the psychological trauma associated with a relationship with a sociopath, though his book does not focus only on sociopaths. When you finish this book you will have a clear perspective on why and how you became attached to a sociopath. The book is full of questions and exercises designed to help you assess yourself and find healing.
Many people have asked me if I believe that sociopaths can change or if I think someone suspected of sociopathy should be given a second chance. Dr. Carnes spells out the criteria for allowing someone back into your life. On page 160 he gives a clear cut, sound opinion on this matter. He states that the betrayer/abuser should have:
- A clear track record of non-abusing behavior (I add 6-12 months).
- A verifiable commitment to therapy and to 12- Step Group attendance.
- A coordinated effort of joint therapy involving both partners.
- An acceptance of the consequences of his/her actions.
- A clear and earnest effort to make amends to all who have been hurt.
- An agreement for zero tolerance of old behavior.
He also states that victims need time away from the abuser to heal. These guidelines are very important because not all people with sociopathic traits are incapable of change. Sociopaths at this point are beyond help. Sociopaths are not capable of steps 1-6 above.
Dr. Carnes also addresses personal recovery and the barriers to recovery he has observed. Barriers to recovery happen because of an over dependency on the abuser in an exploitive relationship. He says victims may resist having to become independent again.
The only technical point that I took issue with regarding this book was the assertion that “Betrayal Bonds” are different qualitatively from other human bonds. I think that these bonds form for many of the same reasons and with the same neurochemistry as healthy bonds. The important point is that FEAR STRENGTHENS BONDING. Fear bonding can occur in a normal couple following a natural disaster such as an earthquake or hurricane. The unconscious often does not recognize that an abusive partner is the source of fear, so bonds can be intentionally strengthened by a sociopathic abuser.
In summary, I believe that The Betrayal Bond is clear, understandable and well written. I highly recommend the book to Lovefraud readers healing from an exploitive relationship. If you want to order the book, click on the title above to be directed to Amazon.com.
Ox: thanks for your last sentence of encouragement! {{hugs back!}}
However, I guess I do not get the first part of your first sentence….
It certainly felt real that I was giving all……! I know I was doing the giving.
I am not a dependent person and was not so when I met him either. He feigned strength, independence and manhood. He spun the illusion of being able to be a strong male that could be my equal in strength, emotional maturity etc and it was all an illusion. I wound up carrying more and more of the weight until I bore it all. *I do see your point regarding the oxen.
I do not find a bunch of dependent personalities on this blog…I find a bunch of very independent people with strong personalities willing to buck up [and have had to] and assume a lot of responsibility.
It’s a common teaching in regular counseling that people [especially females] in abusive relationships are dependent personalities. I resent being labeled “dependent”. I know some very successful people both female and male that are dynamic, strong individuals that cannot withstand or buck up to the situations we have endured. Dependent…no, I do think so or agree with this label.
I also believe a relationship consists of bearing another’s burdens at times of stress, illness etc. It’s a give and take situation that requires each to pull for the other at times but the main goal is to keep the relationship solid and together. I am willing to stand for that but that’s not the case with these disordered people…it’s all about what’s in it for them. This leaves us with a bitter taste when we finally throw in the towel and walk. We did give our all and they took it!
Dear TB,
The “enabling” starts out “slow” and we pick up one responsibility of theirs and then another and then another, and pretty soon, we are bearing the entire load.
No, “victims” are not always “dependent” in the sense that theyy don’t bear their share of the burden, but sometimes we are “subservient” to their demands. They have trouble getting and keeping a job, so we work two. They have problems with this or that and we “fix” it (or try to) and when it doesn’t work out to suit them, they BLAME US for the outcome.
Unlike the oxen, we start to resent carrying more than our share when we wise up and sometimes we rebel, but in the end, unless we realize what we are doing, we go back to the old pattern. We put OUR needs on “hold” while we take care of their needs—needs that they should be doing for themselves.
Whether it is going their bail bond over and over when they get caught with drugs, or buying them a new car when they wrecked the last one, high on drugs, etc. we are taking responsibility for their needs, and assuming the consequences for their POOR CHOICES.
We find some “justification” for the pickles they get themselves in and we trivalize their bad choices, bad behavior etc. and call it “helping” and “being supportive of the one I love” but in the end,, we have to realize we have not been wise in our own choices, because we have given and given and given and GIVEN until we are empty and they have taken and taken and taken and not only have no gratitude, but are positively livid at how badly we have “let them down.” LOL
Last summer I realized that I am way too giving, and don’t expect enough out of those I love, and I’ve been learning to set boundaries and not worry so much about “hurting” someone’s feelings by expecting them to take responsibility for themselves, be truthful and honest, to keep their committments. I am no longer falling for the “pity play” when people don’t keep their committments or even make an effort to do so, and when they start with the “poor me” cries, and why they can’t/won’t keep their committments because of this or that disability and then slam me when I say, “what does THAT have to do with you keeping your committment?”
I no longer fall for the pity and feel guilty because THEY make poor choices. Last month when my son C lied to me, and I caught him, I was devestated and tremendously HURT because I had started to TRUST him 100% —but in spite of the fact that it broke my heart, I asked him to leave m,y relationship is over with him and unless there is business to accomplish, our emotional relationship is over, and done with unless HE makes some significant changes and takes responsibility for his choices. There will not be a mommie to open her door even if he is living on the street. He may have come home like the story of the Prodigal son in the Bible, but aflter he “GOT COMFORTABLE” HERE, He fell back into dysfunctional patterns in his behavior and rather than “man up” and be up front, discussing it with me, he chose to go behind my back, hope I wouldn’t find out, but was ready with a lie when I did find out.
In Mary Jo Buttafico’s book, her yhoung adult son was out of a job when Joey’s chop shop was shut down after Joey got arrested and sent to jail. So her son had no job and was living with a friend (couch surfing) and Mary Jo’s new husband would have offered him a job, but she said “no” he needs to work it out on his own. Her son did work it out on his own.
After I left working in poduction and post production with films, I went to LA, California and got an entgry level lab in a motion picture film printing factory, and over about 4 years worked myself up to a pretty high paying union job, and also worked non-union for smaller companies, editing film and sound. I enjoyed my work and I was good at it. I had some friends out there that helped me find jobs, apartments, transportation and get myself set up to live. I got married and had my two sons close together, settled down a surbaban mother of two topoddler children . IN 1972, my husband and I and the kids moved back to Arkansas near my parents and grandparents—-settling down and I worked as church secterary for a couple of years, then ran a large fish farm
bought a victorian house to redo ourselves and became little “oxy homemaker” in the small town. My husband was not a “bad” man, he just had some “problems” that I couldn’t deal with (gambling and alcohol) So we had a very quiet divorce without any problems and two years later he gave written permission for my new husband to adopt my sons, which he did. It also let him stop paying child suppor.
My husband adopted my sons and was las close to a perfect father as I think any man couol have been, he was a mentor in every way. Neither of us wantged any more children so he chose to have a vicectomy and from that day onward, his parents set out to break us up. It was painful for me, but it succeeded and the boys and I went our way, me back to college for my Registered Nurse Practitioner degree and certification.
Seven years later, I married my late husband. A man I had known since I was a teenager. He had known my kids since they were little and liked my kids as if they were his own.l
Together, we adopted “our” son, D as the “child of our old age” and he just became part of our family and we both loved him as much as if he was b orn to us.
I literally think that God gave me son D to replace the ones I lost. Sometimes we are like two one-legged men, having to hold on to stand up right, but I can give my “all” to D and I receive in return HIS all as well.
On the subjects of “betrayal bonds” or “trauma” bonds, I noticed several years agoo that the people you are in some kind of trauma with you seem more closet to than those that you have only experienced “good timess” with.
My best friend that I just visited with—I met them at a traumatic time for their familoy and son, he was rendered a quadrapalegic in an accident, I was the nursing supervisor, I spent a great deal of time with the kid (he was 15 then) and got to close to him and his family.Thenn my kids met him and they were all about the same age and ingterested in compute4rs. Both parents were working full time and trying to take care of their son at home, who needed total care.
ON weekends they wouod bring him to my house to visit with my sons and let them have some private time together. My boys would do the heavy transfers out of the wheel chair into othe bed, and then back, and I taught them how he needed to be cared for and they did a good job and enjoyed his company.
Since that time, even though I moved away only a couple of years after I met her, we kept in touch by phone and letter and would visit each other for from 1-4 weeks every year. When one needs help, the other one loads ujp and comes—no questions just comes. She was herefor me at the time of my husband’s death, the death of my step-father, and always there if I just need to talk or need a place to hide out.
She knows my whole life story, she’s seen me at my best and seen me at my worst and she sttill loves me…now THAT’s a friend!
She and I have been through some hard times on the parts of each other, and I imagine we willl again, but we are bonded by those events. I think much more strongly bonded than we would have been if we had onlhy gone through “good” times with each other.
Oxy research bears out your theory about experiencing trauma with others and then being bonded to them. For the research people were sent over a precarious swing bridge – some were sent alone and some with a companion – those with the companion were much more strongly bonded to them when the bridge appeared to ‘snap’ – in fact lots of the people stayed in touch after the experiments.
I have always thought this is also something that keeps us bonded to the Ps – they create trauma then the illusion of going through it with us so our bond to them gets stronger as ‘something we weathered together and weren’t beaten by’. The memory then goes into the sentimentality file – and women who love psychos are known for being huge on sentimentality.
Similar no doubt to the betrayal bond thesis – must read that book! Have heard so many good things about it 🙂
Oxy: what great friends you both are to each other! Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂
I have a friend that is a very strong independent woman-makes her own living as an executive buyer for a large upscale boutique chain. Travels alone, owns her own home …etc. She met what I consider to be a P ten years ago and married him. Now, this is something I have noticed and have been victim to myself as well in these males….he is very good looking with a strong masculine presence and high sexuality [she told me]. I see a good number of these males are square jawed and handsome. Something to consider…and interesting to note. I suppose evolution would support this is the alpha male- so to speak. As females we are drawn to the strong, manly provider/protector and these P males seem to ooze these traits….the key to that is ‘seem’. With their high sexuality we get hooked for sure. Well, my friend got tangled up with this guy and he took a powder several years ago-left his good job and started driving a cross country truck!–or so he said. After not coming home but twice in two years he finally surfaced admitting [after being busted by this friend’s son at a local dept store] he has a GF and a son by her. My friend is just broken beyond words. She had a melt down in her store with me several days ago confiding this to me. I listened and offered her some help via this website and information–however, she is not open at this time of heavy grief and all she can focus on is; she loves him and that seems to be ruling her line of thought. I am terrified she is going to tolerate his having them both…along with the kid..which is what he said he wanted!! As I was leaving, she did say she was seeking legal advice from a local attorney. Have you bloggers any advice to offer for me to be able to reach her, at this time, regarding the toxic relationship she is snared in? Thanks!
Have been checking out another v.active forum re ‘daughters of N mothers’ – which may be of interest to other LF’ers (tho does this make me a l’il ‘unfaithful’ to LF- hope not! 🙂
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com
Very supportive like LF, but with a specific focus on things that may apply to a certain number of LF’rs.
Blessings
Delta1 x
OMG….traitor….traitor…… get out the chains!!! 🙂
Delta…it looks like some good info….
I’m having computer issues and am in a weird mode right now….so I can’t bookmark anything….hopefully i’ll be able to find it again!
Thanks for sharing that! Looks good! I think any good info is good for us to know……knowledge = power!!!
For more informative reading..and for fun!
http://www.womenexplode.com
Delta1,
We aren’t jealous, it is okay to date around with other web sites! LOL
Yes, Many of us do have problems with N parents or controlling parents. Or enabling parents, or other family of origin (FOO) issues. Sometimes those early problems in the family roles set us up to become enablers or fixers or victims, or to have low self esteem. Fortunately,, just because we have these problems or had them doesn’t mean that we can’t change, heal, fix ourselves, etc.
The only thing we CAN fix is ourselves, the only person we can control is ourselves. But that’s okay. It’s all we need.
There are lots of good sites out there, personally, I think LF is the best, but then I am prejudiced after all. ErinB is right though, Knowledge=power and we need to take back the power to make ourselves stronger and better.
Oxy, I haven’t talked with my middle sister in over 2 years. Ever since she voiced her opinion and said “Why does all this chit happen to you”? (referring to my bosses going after me then John taken me for all I worked for). I said “what are you talking about, this crap happens all the time to people”!. She then said “no one else in the family has problems like this”! “Take responsibility Wini for what you did to your bosses and what you allowed John to do to you”. On that comment I said “the reason this stuff doesn’t happen to you so and so is because you’re the predator that does other people under”. And “as far as taking responsibility for John’s or anyone’s actions … I’m not his or their mommy … and they aren’t under age 18”. “Therefore, everyone is responsible for their own actions”. Then I told her “she’s cut from the same clothe as John, always lying through life to manipulate and get her own way”.
Well, the moral to the story “you never tell an ash hole, they are an ash hole!” Why? Because they are an ash hole.”
So, obviously, that conversation didn’t go over big with my sister. She refuses to this day, to speak with me. She will talk over or around me if we’re in the same room.
Thank you Jesus for peace and quiet in my life. Oh, heaven down on earth!
Take responsibility for an ash holes actions! That will be the day you bury me 6 ft under.