In the last several months I have written a great deal on this blog about the nature of love and bonding. If you would like to know more, read The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes. I just read this book and was happy to see so much commonality with my own view.
Dr. Carnes himself survived a Betrayal Bond, and as such writes with the authority of someone who has “been there.” Remember, it is not just women who are affected by love fraud. Normal men bond and are deeply affected by their love relationships.
Dr. Carnes discusses in detail the psychological trauma associated with a relationship with a sociopath, though his book does not focus only on sociopaths. When you finish this book you will have a clear perspective on why and how you became attached to a sociopath. The book is full of questions and exercises designed to help you assess yourself and find healing.
Many people have asked me if I believe that sociopaths can change or if I think someone suspected of sociopathy should be given a second chance. Dr. Carnes spells out the criteria for allowing someone back into your life. On page 160 he gives a clear cut, sound opinion on this matter. He states that the betrayer/abuser should have:
- A clear track record of non-abusing behavior (I add 6-12 months).
- A verifiable commitment to therapy and to 12- Step Group attendance.
- A coordinated effort of joint therapy involving both partners.
- An acceptance of the consequences of his/her actions.
- A clear and earnest effort to make amends to all who have been hurt.
- An agreement for zero tolerance of old behavior.
He also states that victims need time away from the abuser to heal. These guidelines are very important because not all people with sociopathic traits are incapable of change. Sociopaths at this point are beyond help. Sociopaths are not capable of steps 1-6 above.
Dr. Carnes also addresses personal recovery and the barriers to recovery he has observed. Barriers to recovery happen because of an over dependency on the abuser in an exploitive relationship. He says victims may resist having to become independent again.
The only technical point that I took issue with regarding this book was the assertion that “Betrayal Bonds” are different qualitatively from other human bonds. I think that these bonds form for many of the same reasons and with the same neurochemistry as healthy bonds. The important point is that FEAR STRENGTHENS BONDING. Fear bonding can occur in a normal couple following a natural disaster such as an earthquake or hurricane. The unconscious often does not recognize that an abusive partner is the source of fear, so bonds can be intentionally strengthened by a sociopathic abuser.
In summary, I believe that The Betrayal Bond is clear, understandable and well written. I highly recommend the book to Lovefraud readers healing from an exploitive relationship. If you want to order the book, click on the title above to be directed to Amazon.com.
Delta,-they should have a website called “Mothers with narcissistic daughters”! Both of my daughters are narcs/spaths.
Actually I have been feeling a bit disconnected lately, as most people on LF seem to have either husbands, wives, lovers or parents or even siblings who are spaths or narcs.
Logically I know that a lot of us have spath adult kids but i dont seem to be getting any feedback lately from Mothers of spath adult kids.{Witty, where are you? and Creampuff?} And now and again the old FOG tries to come back,{the old fear, obligation and guilt that we all know so well!} Im doing OK though! Today I met my new adopted adult daughter at central station in sydney. We had a lovely day! Got the tram to china town, had a delicious lunch, went shopping, and then back to central. Roya is so appreciative of everything, and we have such fun together. I am so lucky! She is mending my broken heart. So God is good !Love from your happy Mamagem.XX
Delta 1. i checked that site out a couple of weeks ago and although I wish (as always) there was a section entitled ‘magic way to not give two hoots about crazy people and be all better immediately and start living happy in one simple easy to read step’ I found reading some of the articles empowering. I was going through triggerama with my daughter and Narc ED, and reading about ‘the scapegoat and golden child’ pantomime that Narcissist like to play really struck something in me. helped me focus on what was really going on and detach from the madness emotionally and physically. 🙂 Knowledge is power. and reading something that helps you to stand outside of the malestrome that s/n/p’s create and go ‘ah – I know what all this noise is – its the same old bollox they always do and I’m outta here.’ Is great:)x
BlueSkies, I used to keep a single button (from a discarded keyboard) resting on the side of my computer for all the times the Spaths went into “DRAMA MODE” … It’s the “Escape” key.
Peace.
Thanks Wini:)x that’s good. I will try to visualize an eject button to press when I smell drama:)x Must make sure its connected to my hard drive too though…;)xx
BlueSkies, I don’t know if you ever watched the show MaryHartman, Mary Hartman. But, there was a character in the show who believed he was invisible (I think his name was Bert)? Anyway, when this character couldn’t handle any more drama (and the show was nothing but drama)… he would believe that he became invisible. LOL. All the characters on the show used to pretend they couldn’t see him.
One time I found some “stick on” buttons that looked like computer keys in some novelty store and they were RED, one said DELETE and the other said EJECT! I put both of them on my computer keyboard and I wish I had bought more as that was 3 keyboards ago! LOL
Gosh Wini, I guess our minds run in the same ruts! LOL
Delta, Wini, Blueskies and Gem, we have some set backs occasionally, but we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and plodding on. Wini, NC with your sister is probably the best thing you could do.
Gem, we have “lost” our bio-kids but God has given us new and wonderful adopted ones, so don’t waffle about! Just be thankful.
Delta, learning, reading books and articles, and taking what seems to fit and using it for our own healing is a good thing, I think. There are some good books out there on “If you had controlling parents” (that is the name of one) check them out on Amazon, by subject or name.
Oxy, yes, my sister is a funny person. I could never quit wrap my finger around what she’s all about. I know she has to control. I know she doesn’t seek peace and harmony. Then she’ll be there for you. She’s a strange mixture for sure. I got sick of being sick of her being aggravated that folks in our circle (family and friends) would discuss what my bosses were doing at any given time during those 6 years of the lawsuit with me. She’d interject and say things such as “I’m sick of all this”! … “can’t you talk about anything else”?! … “it’s all about you, no one can get a word in about anything else these last few years because of you, you, you”! Clueless. Absolutely clueless to what this type of stress causes in a person’s life.
To this day, if a person can’t imagine all the stress a person endures going through the devastation anti-social personalities wreak on another’s life … I have no use for even allowing a friendship to flourish. Whether it’s out of innocence or ignorance, or just sticking their heads in the sand … Frankly, I don’t give a damn … I’m gone with the wind!
P.S. Oxy, I think my sister’s narcissism got the better of her during the time my bosses were destroying me. She couldn’t stand that she couldn’t control the conversations. All family and friends were truly concerned and of course, horrified to hear what was happening to me on the work front.
Wini, I think you are well away from her, just treat her like a potted plant if you have to be in the same room with her at a family gathering….that’s the nicest thing about potted plants, even the artificial plastic ones is that you don’t have to notice or interact with them at all…they are just part of the decor and who in fact would even think of interacting with the DECOR of a room or place? Not me for sure!
I accidently happened on to this NC technique when my GF’s BF that she was dating at the time did some nasty stuff to me and stole some stuff (which I discovered) from me just as a way to hurt me….after that, I just pretended he was not in the room when I was there and he came over. He would yell at me and stand in front of me, and I would just continue on with a conversation with her like he was invisible! It worked too, he would jump up and down like a banty rooster throwing a FIT and I would just keep on ignoring him.
It is the ULTIMATE INSULT TO AN N OR P because they are not in control and you are NOT REACTING to them. They can’t make you react, and that is how Mel is acting now, he is throwing a FIT because he is NO longer in control of the GF and he cannot stand that. SHE IS IN CONTROL now if it is because she is an N or P manipulating I don’t know, or if she is just being vengeful and controlling that way, could be that too. But she knows she is being taped and he didn’t (he should have!) so he threw the tantrum.
I’ve thrown some tantrums too when I was “bested” by the Ps, but NOT like that for sure! LOL About the worst I did was to tell my egg donor she was a “senile old bat!” But about 1 minute later, I realized what I had done and sincerely apologized, but she never accepted it because “I didn’t seem sincere enough” LOL Oh, well….that’s her problem, not mine.
Oxy, she’s been doing the “potted plant” routine to me for the last 2 years. (LOL). I just let her, because no matter who does the routine, the result is the same. Peace and quiet with serenity flowing through my veins. I no longer have to listen to her insults towards me within minutes of my walking through the door. No more hearing how she changes situations in our childhood to suit her ego. Just peace and quiet. I no longer find that I distance myself from her at any family event or make excuses to leave because my stomach is in knots. If she’s fine with not being my sister and friend. I’m good with that. I just want calm vibrations in my life. That’s it. No more choppy waters.
I guess it hit home when I confessed to her that I knew I was being trashed by my bosses, just like she trashed me in our childhood. Same ole, same ole. I couldn’t quit put my finger on it, but I knew the vibrations of “NO GOOD” was entering my space.
You know Oxy, I keep going back to what my Dad used to say … about how a person can focus on living a happy life, or focus on living a miserable life. I wonder, if all these anti-social personalities are just miserable to their very cores and want everyone else that comes in contact with them to feel the same misery they feel?