In the last several months I have written a great deal on this blog about the nature of love and bonding. If you would like to know more, read The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes. I just read this book and was happy to see so much commonality with my own view.
Dr. Carnes himself survived a Betrayal Bond, and as such writes with the authority of someone who has “been there.” Remember, it is not just women who are affected by love fraud. Normal men bond and are deeply affected by their love relationships.
Dr. Carnes discusses in detail the psychological trauma associated with a relationship with a sociopath, though his book does not focus only on sociopaths. When you finish this book you will have a clear perspective on why and how you became attached to a sociopath. The book is full of questions and exercises designed to help you assess yourself and find healing.
Many people have asked me if I believe that sociopaths can change or if I think someone suspected of sociopathy should be given a second chance. Dr. Carnes spells out the criteria for allowing someone back into your life. On page 160 he gives a clear cut, sound opinion on this matter. He states that the betrayer/abuser should have:
- A clear track record of non-abusing behavior (I add 6-12 months).
- A verifiable commitment to therapy and to 12- Step Group attendance.
- A coordinated effort of joint therapy involving both partners.
- An acceptance of the consequences of his/her actions.
- A clear and earnest effort to make amends to all who have been hurt.
- An agreement for zero tolerance of old behavior.
He also states that victims need time away from the abuser to heal. These guidelines are very important because not all people with sociopathic traits are incapable of change. Sociopaths at this point are beyond help. Sociopaths are not capable of steps 1-6 above.
Dr. Carnes also addresses personal recovery and the barriers to recovery he has observed. Barriers to recovery happen because of an over dependency on the abuser in an exploitive relationship. He says victims may resist having to become independent again.
The only technical point that I took issue with regarding this book was the assertion that “Betrayal Bonds” are different qualitatively from other human bonds. I think that these bonds form for many of the same reasons and with the same neurochemistry as healthy bonds. The important point is that FEAR STRENGTHENS BONDING. Fear bonding can occur in a normal couple following a natural disaster such as an earthquake or hurricane. The unconscious often does not recognize that an abusive partner is the source of fear, so bonds can be intentionally strengthened by a sociopathic abuser.
In summary, I believe that The Betrayal Bond is clear, understandable and well written. I highly recommend the book to Lovefraud readers healing from an exploitive relationship. If you want to order the book, click on the title above to be directed to Amazon.com.
Well, there are of course DIFFERENT LEVELS dysfunction, and we come into contact with these people all the time. They may be our boss, co-worker, cousin, sister, BF/GF etc etc. doesn’t matter.
If we get rid of ONE of them, there will be another one pop up in our lives somewhere. Son D and I had a conversation today about that, and he and I are both DETERMINED to not let ourselves RE-ACT to them though we may have to do a RESPONSE.
We use “reasonable pre-caution” on various things, like we wear our seat belts in the car because it gives us a better chance of surviving a crash. Haven’t had one, but we take the pre-caution anyway. I also have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, never have used it, but it is there in case I need it. I wear shoes outside at night because I know there are poison snakes in our area I’ve seen them in the yard so it SEEMS REASONABLE to go outside WITH SHOES ON…to wear shoes as a pre-caution.
I also keep a pistol fairly close by, and in the past I HAVE used a pistol to save my fat arse (not the donkey, but what these pants make look bigger! LOL there Henry!!!!!) three times in 35 years…never had to pull the trigger though, but I carry it as a PRE-caution because I do know that it is like the fire extinguisher if you need it you need it NOW!
Now, where does REASONABLE pre-caution stop and PARANOIA start? Where does caution stop and terror begin?
Where does vigilance stop and HYPER vigilance (jumping at every sound) begin? I’m not sure, now that I come to think about it. Just ruminating here but some food for thought for a while in any case.
Well, Its an interesting rumination OX.
Especially when we talk about becoming invisible.
I think it boils down to a judgment that is very individual and must follow a LOT of conscious thinking. Unconcious thinking is all about what I think of as the distortions brought on by the desire for the illusion the SPATH created. And before you can choose to carry a gun, it MUST be decided that nonsense is over.
MY though, get a dog. Let the dog jump at every sound and then you decide which noisemakers to shoot at……
Your thoughts?
SilverMoon, LOL … you are on to something. I can hear “them” now … complaining how all the decent folks are uniting and can see right through “them”!
“Chief, chief, the Indians are on the warpath, lets round them up, throw them into the paddy wagons, throw away the key and call a press conference how we quarantined them for society’s good. Then the spin doctors come out full force telling folks not to listen to those disgruntled people who got screwed and tatooed. Scatching head “I thought she/he’d be a basket case for the rest of their days”?????
But, dogs and guns work for me.
TOWANDA
Dogs hear better than people. And most of the BS really doesn’t register with them.
“Fast is good, but accuracy is everything”
Wyatt Earp
Silvermoon,
Well, you sort of have to think about what the RISKS are vs. the benefits of various actions, AND act not re-act.
It doesn’t cost me anything but a second to put some slip ons my feet when I go outside esp at night (though I do like to go barefoot) in case there are snakes in the yard. I have seen plenty of snakes in the yard through the years—almost all poison ones that blend with the grass and leaves and are hard to spot in the day time so I am less likely to get bitten if I am barefoot.
Yes, I have 3 dogs—-and I listen for their different barks.
I also have a fire extinguisher in my kitchen, one in the barn and one in the aircraft hangar…total cost about $60. Never had to use any of them.
I wear seat belts in the car because it is the law (prevent a ticket) and because of the stats of lowering death rates in a crash. Never had a crash since they were legally mandated.
Have a cell phone in my pocket any time I leave the front door in case I fall and break a leg, get snake bitten, or any number of things, car breaks down…whatever. I also have a fire arm, in case of snakes or intruders (there are lots of “oil field trash” around here and illegal aliens and so on because of the natural gas drilling in the area around my farm) Plus like I said, the fire arm has saved my bacon on 3 occasions and I never had to pull the trigger yet.
However, on that score I decided a long time ago that I would have NO PROBLEM pulling it if I felt threatened. Not going to violate the law doing it, but within the law WILL use it. A few months ago a home owner (old man) shot a robber who was outside stealing stuff off his car port and ran away when he went to the door and told the guy to halt. NOT legal to shoot in that case. Can’t legally protect PROPERTY, only life and limb either of yourself or someone else.
I no longer get a “rush” when a strange car/truck drives up in front of my house (at the end of a dead end drive) but if I don’t know the person, I am cautious but not terrified. Not about to let them into the house or close enough to grab me and they need to have both hands where I can see them, cause they WON’T be seeing both of mine. I have no problem asking strange men to “stop right there and tell me who you are” as they get out of their vehicle. (which is usually quite a ways from my front door as I have a long walk from the parking areas.)
If it offends them to identify themselves too bad. Usually even if I don’t know them, they identify themselves by saying “OH, I’m your neighbor Fred’s nephew, Sam from Little Rock, I just stopped by to see if I could fish in your pond.” At that point I let them SEE my other hand and what is in it, and say “No, no problem at all, go ahead and fish. Thanks for stopping by.”
Sure they are going to tell Uncle Fred that ” when I went toward the door that old woman had a gun in her hand and told me to tell her who I was before she would let me walk up to the door.”
Word gets out, and that’s OKAY with me! BTW no one sneaks up on the terrier I have in the house, he has ears, well……like a terrier and barks when someone strange is in the area of the house. The outside dogs also alert to other dogs, coons and strangers as well. Different barks for different critters.
So I’m well protected I think and sleep okay at night! Knowing that the terrier is on the foot of the bed and if the outside dogs change their barks I’ll wake up.
Silver, Yep, Wyatt was my hero. Did you hear about the guy who was tried for shooting a gun slinger, they couldn’t tell if the guy had been shot in the back of the head with the bullet coming out the front or in the eye with the bullet coming out the back of the head.
The judge thought about it and said, “In the first case, good judgment, and in the second case, good shooting.” Banged gavel and said “Case closed.”
I hear ya OX!
I had a GSD and she was amazing. Miss that dog. If she didn’t like somebody in the house, it always panned out that there was a reason I shouldn’t.
I’m going to get another one. Female. They are THE BEST.
No point n wasting words on a SPATH. Having the reutation of not being someone who talks a lot just for the sake of making noise is good. too.
LOL OX, Case Closed…..HAHAHAHA
What is the saying, “walk quietly and carry a big gun?” or was that STICK? Oh, well, I like the gun better, it seems more intimidating than a stick. LOL The funny thing is that no one who knows me has ever been afraid of me in the least except the psychopaths. DUH!? And frankly my P-son would like to think he is “tougher” and “smarter” than dear old mom, but I’m not sure he really believes he’s up to that job. I do think he has some fear/respect for me in some ways. Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t tackle me if he could, but just that he knows I won’t be a PUSHOVER. He also knows that C won’t be a pushover and that D is not a pushover either, so in spite of the fact that he is impulsive and too brash, I also think that he is basically one that wants to be the WINNER and isn’t going to “fight a circle saw” unless he thinks he has an EDGE….the girl he killed was unarmed and helpless, so he is not really BRAVE. He has learned to fight in prison and I’ve been told that he will “belly up to” the biggest meanest gang member in the joint, but he had to do that or be repeatedly raped or turned out as a whore/slave because he was a SMALL white guy when he went to the joint the first and second time. It was fight or die for him, and he learned to fight and keep up a front for survival in there.
But at the same time I can’t see him setting himself up to get shot either. Hes a sneaky coward at heart in spite of all the bravado.
Not sure I’d want to have to take that test myself.
I am sure the insult had to learn to be that way. Sure he’s living that way now.
I don’t confidence that he’d have that respect for me. I;m just hoping he’s not of a mind to be bothered to do what he’d have to to find me.