A few weeks ago I posted a blog article entitled Confusion about sociopaths, psychopaths, and antisocials. The article provided background on the evolution of the terms used to describe people who have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. It also acknowledged that Lovefraud uses the definition of this disorder based on the work of Dr. Robert Hare, who uses the term "psychopath." However, I refer to these people as "sociopaths." My reason is that the term "psychopath" carries a lot of cultural baggage. Thanks to movies and media hype, it seems that people tend to associate "psychopath" with deranged individuals or serial killers. I've had many victims tell me, "I though a psychopath was …
Red flags–if you see them, run
Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman's experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice. This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. "If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period," she says. Here is her list. Red flags 1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times. 2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family. 3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is "appropriate clothing" for you. 4) …
One woman’s experience of romantic manipulation
A reader recently contacted Lovefraud about her experience with a sociopath. Although she does not want to be identified—she still fears the man—she is willing to share what she learned. Following is her e-mail. I am 41, newly divorced after a long marriage and new to dating. While my two-year separation was a healing period in my life, I was not prepared for the emotions and loneliness that followed the divorce being final. I met a man who is a stone-cold predator and struggled between what my gut knew to be lies and ongoing romantic manipulation and wanting to believe that I was wanted and adored by this new person in my life. I don't see myself as the village idiot . . . I am a suc …
Sociopaths and sex
Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the "amazing sex." Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this. First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes. Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty o …
Confusion about sociopaths, psychopaths and antisocials
The Lovefraud website and blog describe people who have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. This personality disorder is shrouded in confusion. What exactly are these people? And what do you call them? Lovefraud calls them "sociopaths." However, the description Lovefraud uses of their traits and behaviors is based upon the work of Dr. Robert Hare, author of Without Conscience. He calls them "psychopaths," and has requested that the term be used in reference to his work. The confusion about the terms—another is antisocial personality disorder—makes it difficult for people to learn about the condition. Consequently, there are millions of unaware potential victims walking the pla …
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How psychopaths manipulate their victims
Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators. Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it's absolutely chilling. Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn't a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here's how it goes, according to the authors: First, they assess the …
Small town sociopaths
My first blog article back in January, How many sociopaths are in your town?, was about the fact that sociopaths can be found in any community. Experts estimate that 1% of the people in North America are sociopaths. This personality disorder is not defined by demographics. Sociopaths are male and female, rich and poor, any nationality, race or religion. In that post I talked about the Lovefraud Risk Calculator, which estimates how many sociopaths are in a given community. (Click on the Risk Calculator link on Lovefraud.com.) I gave examples of a few cities—New York, Phoenix, and tiny Skippack, Pennsylvania. I was a bit nervous about including Skippack, population 706. I've driven through t …
The Sociopath and the Easter Eggs
Why would a man who had no children and proclaimed himself an atheist buy a collection of decorative Easter eggs? This is exactly what my ex-husband, James Montgomery, who I believe is a sociopath, did while we were together. Now, these were not ordinary chocolate Easter eggs. One was a real egg, so big that it must have been laid by an ostrich, with a delicate feather attached and perched on a rustic wooden platform. Another real egg rested in a cozy, handcrafted nest of dried flowers, tied with a ribbon. Then there were two small wooden eggs from somewhere in Eastern Europe, delicately hand-painted. The eggs all came from expensive gift shops. So why did my ex buy them? Because …
Tolerance is not for sociopaths
Not long ago my husband and I saw Rob Becker's Defending the Caveman, a one-man comedy about men, women, and how we're different. It gives funny-but-true explanations of why men watch television so intently, why women shop so intently, why women talk more than men and many other characteristics of the sexes that often lead to conflict. The show starts from the premise that women tend to believe all men are jerks (the actual terminology is a bit more colorful). The actor, our modern-day caveman, uses humor and compassion to defend his sex. The message he wants to convey is that men aren't jerks, and neither are women. We're just different, and we should learn to understand and appreciate …
Sociopaths troll for victims with online ads
Millions of people use online dating sites to search for the person of their dreams. And millions of people have learned the great lesson of online dating: It's easy to lie on the Internet. So now, not only are there dating sites, but there are sites to expose the lying daters. The New York Times featured some of these sites in an article on February 16, 2006, headlined (Name Here) Is a Liar and a Cheat. (Registration required to read the story.) The article featured sites like DontDateHimGirl.com and Manhaters.com, which, as the Times wrote, "are dedicated to outing bad apples or just identifying people who may not be rotten but whose dating profiles are rife with fiction." Another …