Not long ago, a woman from the Philippines contacted Lovefraud. She had been involved in a long-distance relationship (LDR) with an American man whom she met over the Internet. This woman, we'll call her Juanita, fell in love with the guy, even though she never met him in person. Juanita sent her story to Lovefraud—a shortened version is reproduced below. But first, a bit of background. Juanita is separated from her husband and has a child. But although she'd like to find a new husband, she is trapped, because divorce is not legal in the Philippines. Looking for companionship, she turned to the Internet—which is what thousands of Filipinas do. In fact, the mail-order bride business, ma …
The fantasy of magic moments with sociopaths
Editor's note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader. Snapshots By AlohaTraveler In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath. Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to …
Iagoism: Or, passive aggression is still aggression
In Shakespeare's Othello, perhaps the most unwatchable/watchable play there is, Othello murders his wife Desdemona believing as he does that she has cheated on him with Casio. It's an awful business; for one thing, she's entirely innocent. How does it come about that noble Othello's moral vision is so entirely clouded that he commits this heinous act? Well, he needed some help in breaking that terrible taboo. The help comes from Iago who subtly poisons Othello's mind. Two questions emerge: How does Iago do it and why? Let's start with the second question first. Why does Iago destroy Othello (and Desdemona too, let's not forget)? This question has puzzled scholars through the ages. Iago …
Iagoism: Or, passive aggression is still aggressionRead More
ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are there psychological tactics for dealing with a psychopath?
I received this question from a woman who is divorcing a man she believes has the traits of a psychopath (according to the psychopathy checklist): “What psychological tactics can you suggest in dealing with a psychopath? There must be some tools and strategies to stay a step ahead. I've read books on identifying liars and tried to educate myself on strengthening my position in recognizing The Predator. There has to be some guidelines somewhere on How to Ride That Horse. I have had hundreds of horses throughout my life and pride myself on being able to ride anyone that crosses my path. Although this horse has been the most difficult and I continue to be dragged, trampled and kicked, I c …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are there psychological tactics for dealing with a psychopath?Read More
Sociopathy and psychopathy: The two most difficult questions to answer.
People frequently ask me questions about human behavior, this is natural because I'm a psychiatrist and people hope I'll have some answers. I've observed a pattern in the questions that people ask me. Often, I will give an answer I am sure is scientifically and clinically correct. At some point later, the person will come back to me and ask the same question again, perhaps phrased a little differently. This process is repeated several times until I am able to figure out why the person does not feel satisfied by my answer. Questions about sociopaths and psychopaths are often very difficult to answer in a way that brings closure to the question. The most frequently- asked questions where …
Sociopathy and psychopathy: The two most difficult questions to answer.Read More
ASK DR. LEEDOM: “I am really sick, aren’t I?”
This week I received a letter from a woman asking, ”What is wrong with me, why would I feel bad and believe his twisted stories? I am really sick, aren't I? I fell for him 2 times! After almost losing everything, including my life with the first one?” I have answered this question before but the issues raised by these questions are so important that I'll discuss them again. The real question here is, what exactly is love? Love is the glue that binds us together as a social species. Without love, we would all live solitary lives, husbands and wives would not stay together, parents would not care for children and none of us would have any friends. Scientists have found that the social gl …
Psychopaths use our best qualities against us
I am a person with a very strong sense of responsibility. If I make a commitment to do something, I honor my commitment. Generally, being responsible is considered a positive quality. But it is the quality that made me stay with my psychopathic ex-husband far longer than I should have. I knew he was taking money from me. I knew he was lying to me (although I vastly underestimated the extent of his deception). I didn't love him anymore. So why did I stay? I had married him, and to me, marriage was a commitment. I've written before about how psychopaths find our weaknesses and exploit them. The scary truth is that they also exploit our strengths. Nurturing qualities It takes a special …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I get my ____ away from the psychopathic con artist?”
This week I will propose a strategy for helping a family member break free from a con artist/sociopath. The conclusions I have come to about how best to do this are based on the information regarding the techniques these people employ that I explained last week in Coercive persuasion, mind control and brain washing. Sociopaths establish control over a person little by little, BITE by BITE. Remember, BITE stands for behavior, information, thoughts and emotions. To help your loved one, you have to BITE back. Take a look at the situation and see how you can gently facilitate your loved one gaining back autonomy over his/her daily behavior. Try to always appear affirming and loving so that it …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I get my ____ away from the psychopathic con artist?”Read More
Coercive persuasion, mind control and brain washing
Over the last six months we have received many letters from desperate family members asking, “How can I get my ____ away from the psychopathic con artist?” What family members are really asking for is advice on how to overcome the brain washing of a loved one. When answering these kinds of questions, I like to provide some scientific evidence validating my point of view. Unfortunately, a search of the scientific literature, using the terms coercive persuasion, brain washing and mind control, does not reveal much. This week I will share some of what I have come to understand about how one person can assume control over another. Next week I will discuss how to overcome mind control by a psy …
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Sociopaths, at first, don’t act like jerks
When I first met my ex-husband, James Montgomery, whom I now believe is a sociopath, he treated me like gold. His attentiveness started with our initial e-mail correspondence. Yes, we met via the Internet, but he lived nearby—I wasn't worried about the pitfalls of a long-distance relationship. During our three weeks of preliminary correspondence—his notes were clever and well-written—he made it clear that he was interested in me. When we did meet, Montgomery was attentive, charming and entertaining. He asked questions and listened to my answers. He was quick to pay me compliments. Yes, he talked about himself a lot, but he was intelligent and intriguing, so I didn't mind—I felt like I was g …