by Quinn Pierce
At the heart of every sociopath is insecurity. These individuals crave adoration, praise, and power above all other emotional needs. Decisions are not based on weighing pros and cons, an internal moral compass, or even possible consequences.
Instead, a sociopath will usually make decisions for one of three reasons: putting themselves in a favorable light to be admired by others, hurting someone who is no longer an ally, or personal gain. Of course, their most coveted decisions are those that result in a combination of two or more of these outcomes.
Hiding the Truth
During my marriage, I enabled this process by making excuses for my husband, or pretending he was a better person than he was when talking to family and friends. Maybe it was my own ego not wanting to admit my life was crumbling on a faulty foundation, or maybe it was an attempt to preserve my family, but my behavior only made my separation more difficult when I tried to reach out for support. I was not nearly as good at PR work as my husband at the time.
The Smear Campaign
I have to admit, I’m glad social media was not as common then as it is now. My ex-husband was forced to create his smear campaigns against me by word-of-mouth, which meant having to reach out to people on the phone or face-to-face. I think it must have been exhausting compared to the user-friendly outlets we have today. He even went around to all the neighbors where we lived to tell them his version of events and try to gain sympathy at being ‘kicked out’ of his home by his family.
I’m sure he failed to mention that he told me I would never get the house, and if I wanted to separate, I would have to move out without the children. Of course, his position changed once he saw that I was willing to move out, but with the children, and I would request a temporary restraining order, if needed. When I started asking about apartments to rent, people started to take notice. All of a sudden, my ex realized I was the one getting sympathy, while he looked like a cold and callous villain.
Tantrums and Other Attempts at Control
Almost instantly, his changed his position. Like a spoiled child who wasn’t getting his way, he threw a tantrum, screaming and crying that I would embarrass him by looking for place to rent with the boys, and how dare I try to take the boys out of their home, what kind of a man did I think he was? (I don’t think he really wanted me to answer that), of course he would be the one to move out…
Of course, I thought, now that you found a way for this to benefit you.
He relished the role of the wounded husband, cast aside and separated from his children without any explanation. Every day, I had calls from friends, or was stopped by someone I knew in the store asking me what happened between me and my husband; I can’t imagine what my life would have been like in the world of Facebook and twitter. I have read so many instances of men and women being harassed, smeared, and stalked by their vengeful exes online, and it always leaves me feeling chilled.
The Lure of Social Media
Even though I was not subjected to these tactics, I find that social media can play a more subtle, yet just as harmful role in our recovery from the sociopath. Anyone who has left a sociopath probably experienced the sense of paranoia that follows. The ‘what is he/she planning?’ that keeps us anxiety-ridden and off balance. It might seem reasonable that keeping tabs on an ex to make sure we are aware of what they are doing would help to ease some of this worry, but it doesn’t.
Actually, it has the opposite effect. It can even become an addiction that keeps you tied to the other person and not moving forward in a positive way, and that is just one of the negative effects of the behavior.
There are certain truths about my ex-husband that cause looking him up online to be unhelpful in any way. For one, he will never give away any hint of what he may be planning to do in order to cause chaos in my life. So, by his very nature, he will carefully monitor himself when posting online to ensure he would neither incriminate himself, nor give himself away if planning a surprise attack. That means, searching his Facebook page or other social outlets serve no preventative purpose.
Methods and Motives
Also, my ex-husband, like most sociopaths, tries his very best to make provoking and antagonizing statements hoping to get me to engage in his drama-filled life. Essentially, his words will always play on emotional responses and finding ways to incite reactions. He will lie, deceive, make false claims and accusations, all with the hopes of annoying, enraging, or engaging me in some way. He wants to think that I am interested in his life, because that means he still has control over mine. Once I accepted this, it was much easier to disengage.
At first, I would tell myself I was only interested in making sure he wasn’t doing anything dangerous or harmful when my children were with him. But, inevitably, I would see something unrelated that bothered me- for example, comments and shared photos by my family members. I confronted these family members about remaining in contact, but in the end, nothing changed. It was another waste of time and energy on my part for people who are I knew in my heart didn’t support me when I needed it, anyway.
True Separation
Eventually, the need to know anything about his life melted away. The less I looked him up, the more peaceful my life became. It was much easier to keep our contact very business-like, as well. I was no longer baited by his remarks or emotionally charged when interacting with him. Ironically, that seemed to make him much more enraged and miserable, but without any effect on me. I was able to take a step back and let him drain his own energy while I concentrated on my recovery.
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for my ex-husband to spend so much time and energy doing things meant to hurt me, only to get no reaction what-so-ever. But, I have much better things to imagine…my sociopath-free future, for example.
Thanks Quinn. I’d like to clarify your opening statement about sociopaths and insecurity.
I’ve just finished reading an excellent book about abusive men called “The Batterer – a Psychological Profile,” by Donald G. Dutton, Ph.D. I will review it soon on Lovefraud.
One of the things this book does is explain three different types of abusive men: Psychopaths, over controlled, and cyclical (the cyclical group, Dutton believes, have borderline personality disorder).
The cyclical clearly suffer from insecurity. The psychopaths do not. Dutton wasn’t clear on the over controlled.
Thanks Donna,
I probably over-generalized the idea of insecurity. Thank you for the clarification.
I guess I put sociopaths and psychopaths in two distinct categories. It seems true that psychopaths lack the ‘wiring’ needed to even let insecurity appear on their radar, there’s a void of that type of emotion.
I always equate my ex as the sociopath/narcissist who needs that light to shine on him in order to feel validated. I wouldn’t be surprised to find he was also a borderline personality. I look forward to the book review 🙂
Quinn
Hi Quinn. Thanks for sharing another layer with us. I want to say how I appreciate the subtlety and restraint that you use when describing the encounters that were no doubt painful and exhausting to deal with. The perspective you write from is so appealing to me because you describe clearly the mechanisms and motivations of the covert abuser while explaining what the encounters appear to be to those who are the target audience. I took a screenshot and will likely be quoting your opening 2 paragraphs when confronted with the inevitable ” Why would she do that ?!?! “, and for her cluster b paramours “Why would he do that ?!?!”. Of course they are only attempting to invalidate and to verbalize how ludacris the idea of someone who is so fully dedicated to doing “the Lord’s Work” would engage in behaviors and works that they know better than anyone will result in adverse judgement. This is the number one falsely held belief that here in my local region purchases and perpetuates power for the covert dominant aggressive types, who are few by the way. Of course as we know in their quest for adulation and power where do they usually find their way to ? Positions of power and influence. Too much fun – right ? Lol. Thanks again Quinn.
Thank you 4L2S,
I’m so glad you enjoyed it. The motivation is always so difficult to explain to others, because it just doesn’t give normal people a sense of resolution. It’s hard to understand a situation when the reasons don’t make sense, it’s easier to try to justify why people do things.
I’m glad the article resonated with you and I agree that the power positions held by these individuals can be one of the most frustrating scenarios, the fun never ends, that’s for sure-
Quinn
Donna, I have that book too. Dutton has done tons of research on this subject. I came across him in my research during grad school.
Dear Quinn,
I love your writing. I am printing some of your articles and taking them straight to a client who is an a DEEP FOG! I hope she can see the light. I know it takes time.
Aloha… now.. an MSW!
Aloha- how wonderful, an MSW, what an accomplishment! I’m so glad my articles can help, I know the fog very well, it is not a good place to be, hope she is able to lift it soon with your help 🙂
Thank you for the compliment <3
Quinn
Donna is absolutely correct about the relevance of insecurity on character disorder. Having lived with a psychopathic husband and a BPD son, I saw the distinction very clearly. While I refrained from naming my son’s condition in my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit, it became clear to me that he was intrinsically Borderline.
Here’s the difference in a capsuled form:
Psychopaths are out to get you. Everything is about how they can manipulate you for their gain. It was their intent from the beginning, and it continues even after the end. The good news is that once you know the person is a psychopath, they are predictably unpredictable.
Their bad behavior can be far more overt and obtuse. They are very self confident and know that their plan will succeed. Until you wake up wondering what hit you and walk away, it does. And when you do, they will throw you under the bus any way they can because your knowledge of them just made you public enemy number one.
Borderlines are overtly concerned with abandonment. Their relationships may seem normal for a period because they are not specifically out to harm you. They end up doing so, however, because, like a psychopath, they lack cause and effect and have no empathy. They will explode and blame whenever they feel shame, and they will do so frequently because without affective empathy, they consistently hurt the people around them. A relationship with a Borderline feels like the sword of Damocles is hanging over the relationship.
They see life through a black or white prism, and I don’t mean race. They have no nuance. You’re either all good or all bad. Once you’re sufficiently “bad” they will split. They will never acknowledge that they could be wrong because that triggers their concern of your abandoning them. There is no “let’s agree to disagree for the sake of the relationship.” They’d rather abandon you because their life is all about abandonment. If they do it to you, you can’t do it to them.
There is no long range stability with a Borderline, even once whatever caused the split or rift fades to the background. It will happen again and again and you will feel like you’re walking on egg shells.
The punishment for breaking what a psychopath perceives to be their “egg” is that they will remain and harm you. They may even punish you with violence. The punishment for breaking the “egg” of a Borderline, is that they will split.
So, in general, for the most part, a psychopath will continue to harm you until you get fed up and walk away or stand up for yourself. A Borderline will split over the illusion of shame they have conjured. Sometimes that shame is all in their mind, and sometimes, it’s well deserved. But no matter, they will walk away from you before they perceive that you will abandon them.The closer they are to you, the more likely they will walk away.
Whether psychopath or borderline, if they perceive that they can get anything further from you, they will try to come back. Once you make it clear that it’s not an option, they will damage your reputation so they can hide their flaws from the next unsuspecting soul.
Hope I’ve made this conundrum a bit clearer. I do so because it helps to have clarity, but knowing which one harmed you is like knowing if it was a GMC or Ford truck that ran you over. It’s just as painful either way!
Joyce
Joyce, when you say they “split”, do you mean they abandon you or they use the defense mechanism of “splitting” which basically sees you suddenly as the bad guy when you were once the good guy?
Hi Stargazer-
Thanks for your question.
In fact, they do both. They will turn you from a “good guy” to a “bad guy” for the most inane reasons. Keep in mind that they have no “nuance” or “cause and effect.” They see wrong (shame or abandonment) even where you can’t imagine it. And they are notorious for abandoning.
Relationships with Borderlines are not forever. Once they see you as bad, it’s a constant. Although after a long separation, they might float back into your world, the time frame to make you bad again will be short lived.
All “Cluster Bs” use their anger as a weapon. Normal folks get angry and get over it. Unconditional love requires forgiveness. Cluster Bs don’t have any. If they’re back, it’s because they want something.
They go from one relationship to the next hopeful that their new love will be perfect. When they’re not, the abandonment issue pops up again.
All the best-
Joyce
Joyce,
Thanks for your response. I am fascinated with the discussion BPD because I was diagnosed with it in my 20’s. There is controversy about whether borderlines can be “cured” or not. My current therapist, who works with a lot of trauma victims, tells me that there is new research showing that trauma victims will manifest borderline behaviors, but that they are not truly BPD, and that a lot of it is misdiagnosed. I think the line is very thin and ill-defined. In my experience as a conscious self-aware person with borderline issues, I can say that it is extremely difficult even for the most conscious person to heal BPD in themselves. But I do believe it is curable, at least in some cases, and there is much literature to prove that. Also, in my experience, there are relatively few therapists out there who are truly skilled enough to deal with BPD, who will confront the abandonment, and who are not afraid of the subsequent rage and pain that the BPD must face as a result. There are no centers where such people can go and recover and experience their pain and rage until they get past it. I have dreamt for many years of opening such a center. It would be staffed by people who have been through it, because they are probably the only ones who can understand and deal with it, just like a former drug addict can understand the withdrawal process from drugs. Recovered BPDs (I’ve known one or two) are some of the most compassionate people I’ve known.
What about the BPDs who are not self-aware? I think the average person would be wise to know the signs and just avoid the BPD altogether unless they know what they are getting into and feel like they are ready for the challenge of a lifetime. If the BPD is not improving but just going through cycles of acting out, this will destroy their relationships.
The discussion of whether personality disorders can be cured is always so interesting for me. I don’t group BPDs with sociopaths. I think sociopaths are not curable or fixable, for the main reason that they don’t feel they need to be fixed. BPDs are usually aware that they are in pain, and the pain is overwhelming, which is why they act it out.
I’ve only recently learned that there are specialized treatments for BPD. I’m not at all sure of recovery rates but I heard from someone in treatment that seems to feel they are improving. If you could find someone who specializes, wouldn’t that be great!
Joyce
Thanks Joyce – an excellent explanation!
When I got away and stayed away from my sociopath mother, the smear campaign was over the top amazing. All I did was move out when she demanded out of the blue a large sum of money to continue living in my parent’s house – which I did not have. Then she re-wrote the situation exactly like your ex, Quinn, to read that I left her – how horrible.
My reply to every person who confronted me was “think about why a clearly devoted daughter would choose to leave.” I paid for my own college, I lived at home and helped with my parent’s bills, I bought them a car, etc., etc. I would calmly remind people of that and then make that statement above – THINK about why a DEVOTED daughter would choose to leave.
Not one person was interested in listening. I ended up moving 2 time zones away and instinctively went no contact (before I ever heard the term). Even then, she sent minions for awhile and harassed me via phone calls – I took out the phone. 😉
Even at her funeral (I should not have gone), the stories that remained were so outrageous and dark that it boggled my mind what was believed.
Thank you for sharing this piece of your story. It gives the validation which is so important to us survivors. So glad you are experiencing more peace – and wisdom.
Thank you Quinn for another absolutely truthful story. I also look at my marriage as it was built on sand and not a rock. And when that sand disappears like someone stepped on your sandcastle you just built at the beach, in just a short moment it’s all destroyed . Because there was never a solid foundation to the marriage.
My soon to be ex is on his war path of destruction. But we finally have a court date set early February. Yesterday when I talked to my attorney, for the first time my husband was labeled as a sociopath. I am so thankful that most people can see him clearly for what he is now.
And yes the social media is not helpful other than anything on facebook is admissible in court proceedings. Of course he is super careful what he posts. I stay away from all of it. His little “minions” are not so smart though and post things they should be careful about.
I am keeping my strength and I know I will come out ok. Already now after 9 months of no contact I can think better, sleep better and my entire life seems much brighter. Like I escaped the darkness that surrounded him. Life will be happy again for me. For all I care he can remain in this dark
Kaya-
Great analogy about sand…. and I’d go one step further, it becomes quick sand, sucking you down and suffocating your life!
Unfortunately court proceedings can serve to drag you deeper and deeper into the quagmire. Hope yours goes quickly and productively to a positive end!
All the best-
Joyce
Thank you Joyce. I absolutely agree with the quick sand. Once you are sucked in it is almost impossible to escape. I did not volunteer to be discarded as he was the one who left. But now I can look at it differently. I was so addicted to his abuse, I would have never left on my own. It was a great act he did by leaving. I also have to actually laugh now about his outrageous lies. Now, that I am out of the fog, I am astonished that I believed this b/s for 20 plus years. It shows how dangerous those people are. Towards the end I was questioning my own sanity. I know now that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.
Yes, the legal aspect of all this is very exhausting. I interviewed several attorneys before choosing this one. I wanted to make sure that someone represents me who clearly understand that my husband is a sociopath. So far I am happy with my choice but the upcoming court hearings will tell. I am not even nervous or afraid anymore. I survived 20 years. Nothing can be worse than those years .
Thank you for all your support. I feel confident that I will come out of this mess a stronger person than I have ever been. That’s one thing I learned since I was discarded. To never give up and always hold on to your hope. 9 months ago I did not think I could ever be happy again. And here I am, feeling good and I am at peace 🙂
Kaya-
Now that you’re faced with a court proceeding in which you may have to be in the same room with him, remember that the next best thing to “no contact” is to “gray rock.” Just keep your focus and don’t show any emotion to him.
And of course, let us know how you make out!
All the best!
Joyce