by Quinn Pierce
At the heart of every sociopath is insecurity. These individuals crave adoration, praise, and power above all other emotional needs. Decisions are not based on weighing pros and cons, an internal moral compass, or even possible consequences.
Instead, a sociopath will usually make decisions for one of three reasons: putting themselves in a favorable light to be admired by others, hurting someone who is no longer an ally, or personal gain. Of course, their most coveted decisions are those that result in a combination of two or more of these outcomes.
Hiding the Truth
During my marriage, I enabled this process by making excuses for my husband, or pretending he was a better person than he was when talking to family and friends. Maybe it was my own ego not wanting to admit my life was crumbling on a faulty foundation, or maybe it was an attempt to preserve my family, but my behavior only made my separation more difficult when I tried to reach out for support. I was not nearly as good at PR work as my husband at the time.
The Smear Campaign
I have to admit, I’m glad social media was not as common then as it is now. My ex-husband was forced to create his smear campaigns against me by word-of-mouth, which meant having to reach out to people on the phone or face-to-face. I think it must have been exhausting compared to the user-friendly outlets we have today. He even went around to all the neighbors where we lived to tell them his version of events and try to gain sympathy at being ‘kicked out’ of his home by his family.
I’m sure he failed to mention that he told me I would never get the house, and if I wanted to separate, I would have to move out without the children. Of course, his position changed once he saw that I was willing to move out, but with the children, and I would request a temporary restraining order, if needed. When I started asking about apartments to rent, people started to take notice. All of a sudden, my ex realized I was the one getting sympathy, while he looked like a cold and callous villain.
Tantrums and Other Attempts at Control
Almost instantly, his changed his position. Like a spoiled child who wasn’t getting his way, he threw a tantrum, screaming and crying that I would embarrass him by looking for place to rent with the boys, and how dare I try to take the boys out of their home, what kind of a man did I think he was? (I don’t think he really wanted me to answer that), of course he would be the one to move out…
Of course, I thought, now that you found a way for this to benefit you.
He relished the role of the wounded husband, cast aside and separated from his children without any explanation. Every day, I had calls from friends, or was stopped by someone I knew in the store asking me what happened between me and my husband; I can’t imagine what my life would have been like in the world of Facebook and twitter. I have read so many instances of men and women being harassed, smeared, and stalked by their vengeful exes online, and it always leaves me feeling chilled.
The Lure of Social Media
Even though I was not subjected to these tactics, I find that social media can play a more subtle, yet just as harmful role in our recovery from the sociopath. Anyone who has left a sociopath probably experienced the sense of paranoia that follows. The ‘what is he/she planning?’ that keeps us anxiety-ridden and off balance. It might seem reasonable that keeping tabs on an ex to make sure we are aware of what they are doing would help to ease some of this worry, but it doesn’t.
Actually, it has the opposite effect. It can even become an addiction that keeps you tied to the other person and not moving forward in a positive way, and that is just one of the negative effects of the behavior.
There are certain truths about my ex-husband that cause looking him up online to be unhelpful in any way. For one, he will never give away any hint of what he may be planning to do in order to cause chaos in my life. So, by his very nature, he will carefully monitor himself when posting online to ensure he would neither incriminate himself, nor give himself away if planning a surprise attack. That means, searching his Facebook page or other social outlets serve no preventative purpose.
Methods and Motives
Also, my ex-husband, like most sociopaths, tries his very best to make provoking and antagonizing statements hoping to get me to engage in his drama-filled life. Essentially, his words will always play on emotional responses and finding ways to incite reactions. He will lie, deceive, make false claims and accusations, all with the hopes of annoying, enraging, or engaging me in some way. He wants to think that I am interested in his life, because that means he still has control over mine. Once I accepted this, it was much easier to disengage.
At first, I would tell myself I was only interested in making sure he wasn’t doing anything dangerous or harmful when my children were with him. But, inevitably, I would see something unrelated that bothered me- for example, comments and shared photos by my family members. I confronted these family members about remaining in contact, but in the end, nothing changed. It was another waste of time and energy on my part for people who are I knew in my heart didn’t support me when I needed it, anyway.
True Separation
Eventually, the need to know anything about his life melted away. The less I looked him up, the more peaceful my life became. It was much easier to keep our contact very business-like, as well. I was no longer baited by his remarks or emotionally charged when interacting with him. Ironically, that seemed to make him much more enraged and miserable, but without any effect on me. I was able to take a step back and let him drain his own energy while I concentrated on my recovery.
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for my ex-husband to spend so much time and energy doing things meant to hurt me, only to get no reaction what-so-ever. But, I have much better things to imagine…my sociopath-free future, for example.
Thank you so much. My attorney did say I have to be in one room with him. Of course with my attorney present. He told me not to worry. Can you explain the “grey rock” one more time? I want to be as prepared as I can be. I know that my soon to be ex is playing the victim already and claiming that he had to leave. His reasoning of course is that I am “mentally ill and unstable”. No mentioning of course of his various affairs and nude picture exchanging on the home computer. So far he has taken every material asset away from me. I am not sure how all this will look to the court. Thanks again for all your support and advice.
Kaya48, there is a great article here on “grey rock” if you can figure out a way to do a search. I don’t know how to do it now. Also not sure if she spelled it “grey” or “gray”. It was written by Skylar and it’s excellent. The bottom line is to be very boring, as if you would just blend into the landscaping like a grey rock. Do not show any emotion or participate in any drama. Keep it about business. If you can, don’t even look at him or talk to him. Let your attorney deal with him. But basically, the grey rock method is to just be so boring that you bore the spath away. They crave excitement and drama. If you don’t give them any, they usually go away. If you have to talk to them, you would talk about very boring things like how you broke a nail, or even how you are tired and depressed, etc., something that would just bore them. The vampires cannot suck the life out of you if you act like you don’t have any.
Thanks stargazer and everyone. I know he was sucking the life out of me for the past 20 years. I slowly “recharged” my life in the months since he left. I will not even look at him and view him as he is nothing. I have my attorney to handle the talking. I will not let my soon to be ex try to suck me into his dark world. Those times are over. I did great in the court hearing for the injunction he had placed against me. That was the words of my attorney who was truly my hero that day. Finally someone put my husband into place until he was speechless. Even being a police officer did not help his crazy lies he told.
I will research some more “grey rock” articles and as always I will remain strong . Thanks again.
Hi
I haven’t posted in this site for a long time — about 2 years. I am, again, having all kinds of problems with the ex. I have been divorced for 5 years and yet he will not comply with court orders. Last year began with failing to pay me money he owed me. He refused, so my attorney took him to court. I was awarded the money he owed me and fees. Again, he owed me money from past due alimony, refused to pay. Attorney took him to court, I was awarded the money and fees. He then found out I got remarried. Hence, I truly do believe, that God hears our cries, sees our tears and gives us what we need. My permanent orders stated my alimony was contractual and non-modifiable and the court had no justisdiction to change or amend the agreement. However, his attorney forgot to put language in the order that my alimony would cease upon my remarriage. So I get to keep my alimony for the entire contract of time. He filed a petition with the court to terminate my alimony and it was denied and I got fees. He took it to another judge and it was denied again and I again got fees. Both judges told him to stop wasting the courts precious and limited resources and do not bring it in their court again. It did not work. He filed yet again. It was again denied.
He now took it to the Appellate Court and it will be heard sometime in the spring. This is so very trying on me emotionally. I was pretty much left with nothing. Absolutely nothing. No home, very little in personal property even after being married to him for 17 very long years. They are incredible masters of lying and deceit. My only source of income is this alimony for a long time. I am praying that the Appellate Court will not overturn the case law in my state that has been presidence for a long time. He told my attorney he will take it to the Supreme Court of my state if the Appellate Court denied his motion.
In the meantime, has failed to comply with most of the court’s orders, while I did exactly as I am directed by the court. I have not seen a complete income tax return from him since we were divorced 5 years ago, even though it has been court ordered. I have continued to give him my tax returns with all attachments. This year he wanted my returns, and I agreed, by only after I see his. I had an accountant review and gave me a complete list of the missing documents and there was a lot including W-2s and 1099s. I gave him mine. I did not receive his. My attorney filed a contempt and we had a hearing on Friday. He was seething with hatred for me so much so that you could cut the air with a knife. He told me years ago that if I divorced him, he would destroy me, leave me homeless, penniless and I would never see our children again. He has succeeded in almost all of it. God will provide and protect. I see it every day of my life. He says be patient and He will correct the wrongs. Psalm 36 and 37 and Psalm 40.
My attorney believes that the 1040 he gave me is probably not what he filed with the IRS. Additionally, he was also ordered to provide me with the bank accounts that he established while we were married and the money in them. Never did it. We learned he has off-shore accounts and he will probably have to report that income on his return. This could be so explosive that I cannot even begin to understand the fall out of everything that may happen. My attorney is worried about me and my safety, since he has threatened me before.
Any ideas on what anything thinks is going to happen? How do I protect myself from this monster? This will affect the child support in a huge way. If the 2012 return is all fake, then we will ask for the 2009, 2010, 2011 returns with all of the attachments and schedules as well. This could affect child support in an enormous way.
All of a sudden, I got hang ups on my cell number that no one has. The same thing happened to me 2 years ago, when I learned they were from a PIs office. Does this mean the whole thing is starting again with a PI and lawyer? I also got a telephone call from someone who said they were looking for someone and I said they had the wrong number. I checked the telephone number and it is from a ruthless lawyer in my state. I called that number back and asked why they called me, and I was told they called my number by mistake. I don’t think so. Any advice would be really really appreciated. I need some help and encouragement. I am really scared. Please help me.
I lose my support if I remarry. My attorney didn’t include it otherwise and I was a mess so just wanted to get it done. I have such a problem with the idea that I am a piece of property, transferred to another (man) and therefore not entitled to maintenance support. I believe support should be viewed as a severence package. It is owed to you. Period. You don’t lose your severance if you get another job. The courts need to stop treating women like property, transferred to another man! This is 2014, for heavens sake!
Sorry, out of there. I wasn’t any help with your situation but do empathize with your fears. Be well and watch your back.
Dear Out of There,
Can your attorney obtain the tax return the spath filed with the IRS?
If you are remarried and have moved on with your life, you might consider whether it’s possible to live without his financial support just to get him out of your life once and for all. Maybe he would consider signing over parental rights if he doesn’t have to pay child support. If he feels like he has “won” he may leave you all alone. Otherwise, you will probably live in fear and turmoil for as long as he is court ordered to pay you. And then collecting the money is a whole other story. Please consider very carefully if it’s worth keeping this monster in your life. Yes he owes you and yes you deserve it. Life is unfair sometimes, but many people here who were left penniless and devastated have rebuilt lives and incomes without the spath. Just something to think about.
Stargazer – thank you for the excellent advice for Out of There. Sometimes it works.
But sometimes the sociopath is so bent on revenge and destruction that he will continue no matter how you respond, and the target has no choice but to fight.
Out of There – you’ll have to figure out your ex’s agenda. Is he willing to go away if the thinks he has won? Or will he force you to fight?
I have not dealt with the spath on any legal level for some time now; my youngest is 20 years old, and my only daughter. But the spath is NOT finished with his tactics, which I sadly discovered this evening.
I have been very sick with a flu that is going around, so I am well aware of my vulnerability; therefore, when my daughter finally came home from being with her spath Dad for two nights in a row (visiting from college), I only wanted her to know that I missed seeing her this weekend and wish we could have been together a bit more. She was acting very strangely when I told her this, and I probed a little more and she told me that since she has been studying Psychology, and “honestly, Mom this has nothing to do with being with Dad,” that she thinks I have “borderline personality disorder.” I immediately thought, “of course, it has nothing to do with being with Dad, it is only what he tried to convince me and others of when in reality I had dealt with PTSD, and depression.” You would all be so proud of me here at LoveFraud, I did not say a single word to my daughter. In fact I asked her to please leave the room and we would have to talk about this later. I called my Mom so that I could regain my composure, and she really helped me as she always does. My daughter left for her school, 3 hrs away (Dad insists that she live on campus to keep her away from me). I did not discuss her diagnosis of me having BPD. In fact, what she does not know is that about 10 years into my marriage with the spath, he became very upset that I no longer wanted to work for him in “HIS” business, and that I wanted to return to college to finish my degree. That was where my “mental issues” started to come up in conversations with him. I started having boundaries about his treatment of me, I started going to therapy, a psychiatrist, two 12 step groups, and even visiting a 2-week outpatient program, because the spath was constantly telling me that I was “crazy.”
I was NOT diagnosed with BPD by anyone; not a therapist, a psych, no one! In fact I was told that I was married to a narcissistic spath, and it would get worse for me. AND it got worse, indeed. When one of my sons died from an overdose of prescription drugs, that gave him more fuel for his fire! According to the spath, that was MY fault as well. It has been 6 years since our divorce.
Even though my daughter and I have had our issues, when she dropped this “diagnosis” on me tonight, it brought out the pain and frustration of the power her Dad still has. I was immediately devastated that she would fall into his encouragement that there is something wrong with me. I know who I am, and I know what I have been through and how far I have come to get past his abuse, but there was something very heartbreaking about my only daughter listening to her Dad tell her things about me.
I don’t talk about him to her. But I know the truth about what is going on here. It is just so hard to see our children fall victim to it; so, so hard.
It may take time, but I hope and pray she will see the truth someday.
Dear juvnlife, as someone who WAS once diagnosed with BPD in my 20’s, I can attest to just how damaging the label can of a mental illness can be. I have recently learned that severe PTSD mimics the symptoms of BPD. If your daughter brings it up again, you could try explaining this to her. Remain calm and don’t take it personally. Ask her why she feels you have this illness, and address her reasons and observations point by point in a calm way. This is a way of debunking the hearsay while still encouraging her critical thinking. Remember, you CANNOT control what he says about you. You can only control how you react. So don’t give him the power of making you react! Don’t take it personally when your daughter come homes spewing hearsay from him.
All you can do is live your life well, handle your emotions, and conduct your relationships in a healthy way. Eventually, your daughter will come to see you as a loving person and not as the ill one.
Jluvnlife – again, Stargazer has offered excellent advice. The smear campaign is SOP – Standard Operating Procedure – for the sociopath. They very convincingly tell everyone that you’re crazy. I hope your daughter recognizes the truth.
jluvnlife-
Both PTSD and Post Traumatic Rape Syndrome (PTRS) are possible affects of having relationships with disordered personalities. I covered this topic in my book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” When a person lies to seduce you they are raping. So even though your intimacy was consensual, you would feel raped and react with “rape syndrome.”
I bring this up because I’ve also been through a similar circumstance with my son, in which his extraordinarily wealthy father managed to alienate him. Had I understood the dynamics of psychopathy and rape syndrome at the time, I think I could have had a better outcome with my child, who is now 33 years old and who is completely estranged from me.
Before the problem becomes so great that you no longer have a relationship, I encourage you to locate a family therapist who deals with psychopathy and the dynamics you are facing. I’d also recommend that you get a copy of my book for your daughter because I believe it will help her recognize the efforts her father is making to mislead her.
I wish someone had made this suggestion to me before the problem became insurmountable. I lost my son, I sincerely hope speedy and proper intervention can spare you from losing your daughter.
My best!
Joyce
Thank you everyone for your responses to me, Stargazer and Donna Anderson, they are very much appreciated.
Donna, you are so right. This ex is so hell bend on revenge and destruction of me that I don’t think anything I do or say will change his behavior or attitude.
This alimony is the ONLY thing I got out of our 17 year marriage — nothing else. As for our children, unfortunately I have been the victim of parental alienation. They do not know the truth about anything and since we were both told not to involve our children, I did exactly what I was told — I did not involve them in our divorce. I wish I could say the same of him. He still continues to involve them in everything that happens.
He is a very rich and powerful executive, who gets his way one way or another and will not stop until his target is completely destroyed. I really believe, I have to, that the children will figure it out at some point in time. The child support, that I am paying, could be reduced if I can prove his income tax returns are fake. I still can’t believe I am paying a lot of money when I am not working and he is well into the six figures.
I just want some kind of justice and peace. Is that too much to ask of our legal system in the US?
Out of There… I used to buy into that coparenting “rule” to not tell your children anything, until I was enlightened by one of my son’s friends whose mom also divorced an abusive man. She told him the truth and he was very well adjusted and still is. It was causing more stress to pretend, and the stressed out parent is the one who gets alienated as well.
I also recall a woman who stayed with her abuser until the kids were grown, for their sakes and by the time they were adults, she was alienated as well. She was a motivator in leaving my first husband bc for the first time I saw no benefit in staying the course “for the kids.”
The second brief marriage, although more financially and physically destructive, was in some ways easier because there were no children together and it was only 3 years. Both men are spathe, but in different ways. One I have to deal with daily due to our children and one I have a nagging fear of what he is up to next, and even with the criminal and civil no contact and stay away orders, do not feel safe from the terror that is present from the mere what if he flips out one day, that day I finally feel comfortable… it prevents me from finding true peace and comfort.
Back to the kids though, I finally told them why I left their father bc quite frankly the older one figured it out and the younger one had to witness the abuse between the older one and dad. She is remarkable as she simply to dad… “you didn’t have to do that” after seeing him hit our son. I hope and pray they will be ok, but the coparenting “rules” are meant for those who divorce from non spath spouses. They simply do not apply to our situations, and can ultimately harm your relationship with your children as they grow up confused by why you placate and endorse this other parent they begin to see for what they really are… or in worse case scenario, dont see bc you prohibit it by invalidating their perceptions by making him seem ok. Please think about that if you have a chance. It has made things better, not worse in my home. I didnt smear him, I simply told the truth, and my son’s therapist advocated for telling them the truth as well.
Best of luck… at least you get alimony 🙂 I get constant criticism from my kids dad… no matter how much I do for him as I watch the kids on his days to help him out… never an ounce of appreciation, or compensation.
Out of There-
I had an ex whose income was entirely off the grid. Like yours, mine was extremely wealthy, by way of becoming the permanent boy-toy of one of the most affluent women in the US. His influence on my son was enormous, even though he’d abandoned him as a child. The damage of abandonment horrifically impacted my son’s moral development and made him especially susceptible to manipulation from his father.
Fortunately, we live in a world of heightened internet transparency. If he’d behaved today the way he did back then, his actions would have been easier to spot. Here are a couple of things I’d recommend to you:
Your attorney can demand his passport. Doing so could give you insight into where his money is located. It will certainly underscore that he can’t be a “pauper” if he travels internationally.
Your attorney can also demand his credit card account information and bank accounts.
In addition, your attorney can secure the means to request the actual data from his tax filings directly from the IRS. Keep in mind that providing you with a false tax filing could be perjury.
Your attorney should be able to put you in touch with a forensic accountant. Sounds like you need one. Even if you can’t prove his income, you could prove his lifestyle.
As his spouse (or even as his ex-spouse) you are entitled to the projection of his Social Security payments which will enable you to see, year to year, what he contributed to Social Security.
It sounds like he has much to concern himself with if the IRS began snooping around. You can report your concerns and receive a reward that is kept anonymous from him. You do not need a great deal of detail. They will conduct research on their own.
Wishing you the best!
Joyce