We know that there are many unapprehended sociopaths who, exploiting others’ vulnerability, have greedily taken things from them, material and otherwise—valuable, precious things they neither deserve nor deserve to enjoy, yet which they may feel they both deserve and deserve to enjoy, and often perversely do enjoy.
And we know that many of these sociopaths possess smug, contemptuous and notoriously “shameless” attitudes about their exploitation—these attitudes, and the patterns they form, reflecting the essence of their disorder.
And some of these sociopaths may indeed, in a certain sense, get the proverbial “last laugh?”
Picture the sociopath lying on a Carribbean beach, or lounging on the patio of his upscale Antigua villa, sipping a martini with stolen wealth, smiling as if he’s fooled, and owns, the world!
But we must not forget to ask, especially in these cases, what kind of “last laugh” is theirs? And, of course, we must never forget who is doing the laughing!
Because the sociopath’s “last laughter” is a very different kind of last laughter. It is the last laughter of the emotionally damned”¦of a venal, pathetic, hollow individual.
And so his laughter itself, his mirth at having conned so successfully—should he feel something like mirth, flaunt and revel in it—graphically, screamingly reflect his emotional disorder!
Sure, he may look and feel as if he’s conquered the world, and deserves to toast himself, and be toasted; and be treated like the superman he may perceive himself to be. But again: one must never forget that this isn’t the celebration, even the contemptuous arrogance, of the narcissist who has earned his way to easy street. Â
No, while this may be the “last laughter” of a perhaps very clever individual, of a very skilled, perhaps even talented con artist, much more importantly we need to remind ourselves (and even his victims need to remember!) that, however extensive and traumatic the damage he’s inflicted, his is the “last laughter” of an incurably sick individual; of an individual whose “sickness of soul” consigns him, at best, to a hollow, shallow experience even of his pleasures, including those he’s stolen through his remorseless violation of others’ boundaries.
And so the unapprehended sociopath’s smug, contemptuous indulgence of the “easy life” he’s injured (and robbed from) others to falsely seize—that is, his “last laughter—”in the end exposes only one relevent phenomenon—the depth of his emotional perversion and its umbrella, warping effect on his whole personality, including his sense of humor.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Thank you, one joy. I kinda feel bad about posting and burdening you guys with my problems!!! So I appreciate the encouragement. Really. 🙂
Tomorrow’s my birthday. I’m going out with my friends and will try not to think about the spath at all, but I know it’ll be hard to pull that off. Still, with every day of no contact (heck, even with every hour), I start to feel more like myself again.
Question: When you tell them in no uncertain terms to go away, do they usually listen and move on to the next victim? Before, I’d ask him to leave me alone and give me “space” — because I wasn’t strong enough to completely close the door. This time, I told him that in order to get off this roller coaster, I needed to tear it down completely. I said goodbye for good, for real.
I think (I hope) that he’s the type of person who does quickly move on to the next person without a second thought. In fact, he’s told me he’s done this with ex-girlfriends who finally ask him to never contact them again. I didn’t want to be yet another person who pushes him away — but that’s before I knew who I was dealing with.
Anyway, do you think I can hold out hope that he’ll never reach out to me again? If he doesn’t, I think I’ll be fine!! If he does, it’ll be harder. I know it’s wrong to admit that, but I’m just trying to be honest. And I sincerely DO hope he leaves me alone; seems like that’s finally a step in the right direction. 🙂
alicia – we are all here because we have been where you are. and the people who were here before us helped us make it through. lovefraud is very much a pay it forward proposition. it exists so that people will post. it exists so that burdens can be shared and hopefully halved. it exists so that we can help each other through rough spots, the shock and awe phase and to help strategize ways of getting rid of them and dealing with them when we are going through divorces and having to raise children with them…all this and more. So post away.
one of the things they do is what is called a ‘tell’ in gambling. And life with a disordered person is surely gambling. you said:’In fact, he’s told me he’s done this with ex-girlfriends who finally ask him to never contact them again.’ this is a tell. But what it probably really means is that he went away when they called the police or got a restraining order. A couple of things you should know: they ALWAYS lie, and they tell you a lot about themselves when they lie. Their lies are often projections – many a lovefraud poster has been through the smear campaign – where the spath says that we are all that they are – to everyone.
Another thing you should know – NEVER tell him how you feel. EVER. Cut off the supply of emotions he seeks to illicit from you. Many people here ‘win’ at court when they tell the spath that they don’t care about this or that – the spath ALWAYS wants to take what you want away from you – not because they necessarily want it – just so that you can’t have it and they get to feed on your sorrow. DON’T GIVE HIM ANY EMOTIONS IF HE CONTACTS YOU. Cut off his access to you – block his email, change your email, change your phone numbers, locks, etc.
I am so glad that you are feeling moments of desiring emancipation. that is so very positive. it takes time and do expect your own emotions to be a roller coaster – regardless, you have to not respond to him in any way. and block his getting to you the best you can.
welcome. 🙂
Good morning aliciad,
First and foremost Happy Birthday! I read you post last night but was unable to post.
NC is the way! I know how hard it can be especially in the beginning. I tried blocking numbers and changing my number several times before I had the stregth to “follow thru”. I am a firm advocate of the phone block….especially in the beginning. It finally helped me in my final stage with the spath.
One he wont be able to reach you or send you texts (which you would enevitably read) and this will allow you a little time to “process” and gain strength. Second you take back some control. If he cant reach you you wont be waiting by the phone waiting on him to hear more lies. Well you most likely will…however it makes it a little easier.
Yes the hours will seem long, but they will eventually turn into days, weeks, months. It will be hard…and a major emotional roller coaster.
Also, avoid viewing his social network profiles…I know this will seem hard. I still occasionally do and it never has a happy ending. Remember they are liars and unless they want something or are trying to manipulate or hurt someone.. you wont find any answers or clarity there. If you need affirmation that he is a spath just remember how he treated you, his lies, all the games and abuse. That should be your affirmation.
I know it’s hard. This is a wonderful site with excellent information and kind people who understand what you are going through.
Try to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. If possible remember to eat and avoid alcohol…getting sick will only make the process and harder…and alcohol will only weaken your self control.
I wish you the best.
God bless!!!
Also a word of caution. He may try to come to your home to see you. Change locks, secure your windows. Do not allow him the opportunity to TELL YOU MORE LIES. It may take a few days or weeks however he most likely will, so be prepared. I remember having to lock myself in the bathroom as it was the only place in my home with no windows…while I waited for him to go away. This was long before I had the strength to call the police.
Remember all he will tell you are lies…no truth or answers can come from that.
Just wanted to tell all of you that I have been outed.
My fault I know. I wrote too much on here. And someone who reads this blog knows him and told.
I have NEVER told anyone I write here so a reader (lurker?) is the only way he could have found out. He would not have found me himself b/c he has erased me out of his life, I am a knat to him. But I gave too many details and betrayal is my consequence. It was nice to have this venue while I could. It really helped to say things and have others say they had the same experience or to see what others wrote and chime in me too. Someone understood and to be heard and not dismissed was so wonderful, I didn’t feel alone anymore. I have been so alone in my abuse and misery.
To whomever outed me, you didn’t win carp. I will NEVER stop pursuing my freedom from this soulsucking deadeyed mindfkr. He lies, he defrauded me, he PRETENDS to be something he is not in order to obtain b/c he LOVES the game of outdoing you all, he loves to WIN.
Lastly, he shall burn in eternity for what he did to my innocent and beautiful daughter. To be gifted with the love of a child and to destroy her sense of well being, to define her as being weak b/c she wanted love, to divide her from the one person who loved her for her own sake was just my husband being himself: spiteful, envious, evil, hatefilled.
As for YOU yoursef, he is who he is and he will do to you as he has done to me and to all others whom you no longer see in his life. I curse you with half the pain that he caused me.
Thank you to all to helped me, guided me, chided me, and made me laugh. You are a blessing and that will never change.
Dear Katy ~ Oh my dear, I can’t imagine anyone who has survived life with a spath doing this to you! Damn lurker/spaths!!
Blessings to you.
Katy,
go back and erase all your posts.
ask donna for help.
So now your spath knows that his entire problem is that he is emotionally arrested. He never grew up because he feared true suffering so he chose to be a twisted overgrown infant instead. Must be harsh.
Dear Katy,
I am so sorry…You are living with my worste fear. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be strong. Maybe Donna can help…as leaste delete your old posts or something. ?
God Bless
katy my sweet, i think we need to form a little group that is PRIVATE so that we can post without this potential. I just sent an email to Donna asking if this is something we can explore. I know other posters have mentioned this at other times.
Please also consider – is it possible that he had a keylogger on your computer? It could be software or hardware. Hardwre looks like this:http://inventive-ideas.auctivacommerce.com/Keyshark-Key-Logger-Keyboard-Input-Recording-Device-P703037.aspx
or a usb – the keylogger would be conected to a cable or power cord. if you see it, remove it
and if you install anti-keylogger software it will take care of software. a free one that will protect your browser (but not your email ) is: keyscrambler, http://www.qfxsoftware.com/download.htm
okay, and now to the other important part ((((((((((((((((((((((katydid)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
they are SUCH losers.
aliciad456 ”“ Happy birthday
It WILL get better.
’Question: When you tell them in no uncertain terms to go away, do they usually listen and move on to the next victim?’
Answer ”“ No, not as a rule. If you have something they want they will keep the contact going. I wrote a long email to my ex spath. Told him I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown etc. So what’s he do? A few days later he comes to my home, pushing me around and begging for another chance.
What did I do? I called the police. THAT is what finally made him leave. He has tried to contact me since then but I have not responded. May he rot in hell.
Remember, this was not a normal relationshit, spaths are not normal. It’s all about THEM. They do not give a fig about us, only what they want/need.
Close that door, HELL NO, SLAM it shut, bolt it. Never open it again.
He will move on. Mine was made to leave 9 months ago and he’s had numerous other women since then.
Spaths are rarely ’done’ with old flames. They always try to circle back when their supply runs out.
You ARE moving in the right direction. Stay on the path, don’t look back.