We know that there are many unapprehended sociopaths who, exploiting others’ vulnerability, have greedily taken things from them, material and otherwise—valuable, precious things they neither deserve nor deserve to enjoy, yet which they may feel they both deserve and deserve to enjoy, and often perversely do enjoy.
And we know that many of these sociopaths possess smug, contemptuous and notoriously “shameless” attitudes about their exploitation—these attitudes, and the patterns they form, reflecting the essence of their disorder.
And some of these sociopaths may indeed, in a certain sense, get the proverbial “last laugh?”
Picture the sociopath lying on a Carribbean beach, or lounging on the patio of his upscale Antigua villa, sipping a martini with stolen wealth, smiling as if he’s fooled, and owns, the world!
But we must not forget to ask, especially in these cases, what kind of “last laugh” is theirs? And, of course, we must never forget who is doing the laughing!
Because the sociopath’s “last laughter” is a very different kind of last laughter. It is the last laughter of the emotionally damned”¦of a venal, pathetic, hollow individual.
And so his laughter itself, his mirth at having conned so successfully—should he feel something like mirth, flaunt and revel in it—graphically, screamingly reflect his emotional disorder!
Sure, he may look and feel as if he’s conquered the world, and deserves to toast himself, and be toasted; and be treated like the superman he may perceive himself to be. But again: one must never forget that this isn’t the celebration, even the contemptuous arrogance, of the narcissist who has earned his way to easy street. Â
No, while this may be the “last laughter” of a perhaps very clever individual, of a very skilled, perhaps even talented con artist, much more importantly we need to remind ourselves (and even his victims need to remember!) that, however extensive and traumatic the damage he’s inflicted, his is the “last laughter” of an incurably sick individual; of an individual whose “sickness of soul” consigns him, at best, to a hollow, shallow experience even of his pleasures, including those he’s stolen through his remorseless violation of others’ boundaries.
And so the unapprehended sociopath’s smug, contemptuous indulgence of the “easy life” he’s injured (and robbed from) others to falsely seize—that is, his “last laughter—”in the end exposes only one relevent phenomenon—the depth of his emotional perversion and its umbrella, warping effect on his whole personality, including his sense of humor.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Steve,
A truly valuable article. After our home burglary last month, and living as we do, it always seems he gets the last laugh.
But your words are so wise and , again, open our eyes beyond the immediate pain and scarring, to look at the bigger picture and KNOW that we are better off without them.
He is failing financially, has damaged repeatedly his relationship with our daughter, has some physical issues now, and is clinging to our son as if he were his salvation. He is also number 1 suspect for the robbery.
It is sad, I admit, to see his state from outside of our old life together. I don’t clearly know what emotions he evokes in me now – they change – pity, hate, sorrow, sadness, regret and sometimes a pang of what should have been .
Time moves on, I keep going and getting stronger as time passes. We are not divorced even yet – but hopefully soon all will be settled and we will see who truly has the “LAST LAUGH.”
Either way, I do see his warped personality now – in more ways than I care to count.
RAVEN …………..
My sincere prayers and thoughts are with you ………. no one should ever have to endure such a loss ….no one.
Ravenless Tower,
So sorry about the loss of your daughter, my condolences. It’s got to be incredibly hard for you and your family, but comforting to know that she is in heaven, with the angels.
Steve,
With me, I am very concerned about right and wrong, even though I have and do flub up at times. I have moments (when I am sitting, being still) where I am still dazed (in disbelief) over what has transpired in my life, over how my ex-husband has behaved while he’s been on this earth. I realize that he is psychologically damaged (warped), being saddened by the fact that the marriage (my only marriage) I had was to a sociopath – how can it be any worse? How he is as a person is disturbing – I feel (and have felt) every emotion in the book (when it comes to him), mainly grief at this point in time.
Ravenless
I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.
Superkid
Steve,
Thanks for the article. Makes me feel better!
Ravenless Tower,
My prayers go out for you and your family. God Bless.
Blue Jay,
there are creatures in this world who do not have our values, so they are difficult to understand.
Their narcissitic view of the world is sooo pathologically ego-centric. When you are convinced that you are the one and only real person and that you are the star of the story, then you also believe that who you are and where you are and what you do, is the best. It’s the best because it’s all about you.
So even sitting in prison, they can’t feel like they lost, because they are still living in their own dramatic production and they’ve cast themselves in the center.
The only reason they attack us is because, they will see us as having something that they want. That something is the lime light. If, they notice that you are getting attention, well that’s not right because you aren’t the star of the show. You must be made to submit to your role.
My exP didn’t actually want attention. He had the chance to sign a recording contract, but just didn’t show up to the meeting. The other band members wanted to kill him. He didn’t want to be too famous because that would mean he couldn’t do what he really wanted. I’m not sure exactly what that is but I know it involves manipulating people with the pity ploy and stalking and torturing women. In the story my exP tells himself, he is an evil snake slithering around causing others to do evil and then he slithers away unscathed, while his victims’ worlds fall apart.
I only mention this in order to explain that he doesn’t want attention too much, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have it either. So the envy is still the same.
I am so worried, spath no contact with daughter or son for 5 years, recently lost a court case (he was the applicant) owes about 60k. Daughter 18, academic scholar, shortly off to Oxford to read Physics (fingers crossed), son 16, also a scholar, classics and chemistry. (They take after me ..ha ha).
I sent bailiffs in last year regarding CM, spath claimed in court ‘current’ wife and him separated last year, this was untrue.
In the last 2 weeks he has emailed 14 times, he has previously gone to the police 18 times accusing me of harassment and even theft of my own car ..harassment call is his on going whine, the police laugh at the spath, he has tried to have my son arrested as well when he was 11.
I have not replied, however, even today when we were glued to watching the wedding, he emailed yet again claiming he wants contact with ‘his’ daughter, not my son who he abused. I divorced him for domestic violence, fraud and deception of my company and sexual assault, for which he was arrested and charged ..he simply lied of course.
He was warned by the DJ at the last hearing he will go back to court if he refuses to make a proposal regarding my daughter’s tertiary education costs as per the court order. He has not paid any maintenance for 2 years, I enforced, the bailiffs were assaulted by the current wife, the bailiffs called the police and got 5k I also froze his bank account. Obviously being a spath he never showed up during a 3 hour stand off with bailiffs, ‘current wife’ off internet friends reunited dot com and police.
My lovely, gentle daughter about to sit her exams for Oxford does not need this. The spath has repeatedly tried to get her kicked out of her private school, but she is deputy head girl, academic scholar, and has just completed her duke of edinburgh gold medal so we are off to St James palace later this year to collect her medal (she has invited mummy ..I am so proud, we hope its Harry giving out the medals!). She is outstanding, a true asset, and helps the school ‘ratings’, only reason she was not kicked out. Son same ..he has a ‘personality’ ..tall, sporty, into his debating ..and charming, a classics scholar, Latin, classical Greek and now Hebrew ..bless! (I am a proud mum, but have no idea what he is on about).
The spath has not seen daughter or son for 5 years, why is the spath doing this?? My whole family know he is a spath, I have spoken with the police, not interested. She is at boarding school, I have alerted the school he owes arrears boarding fees of 21k and another 28k to my son’s school (it is a 50% split, I work very hard to afford these fees), the rest is CM. The judge has ordered him to pay his share, he owes about 60k including this term and CM.
His bank statements showed he went though 201k in 1 year when he paid nothing in CM, so not hard up. 10k on wine, 1k on ‘mens’ underwear, he got through 44k in the first month he failed to pay CM. The spath is totally financially reckless, and as ever does not plan anything, I had to pay everything all bills in marriage ..it was like a child, used to hide the post in garage, under cushions, on top of dressers ..it still is at it ..also uses PO boxes to avoid the post ever actually being delivered ..out of sight ..out of mind!
What do I do, my daughter is about to sit the most important exams of her life and this thing now wants contact after 5 years, my daughter wants nothing to with the spath, but as I have learned what we want, a spath doesn’t.
I have today emailed the headmaster, but even though she is now 18, he can’t stop him turning up.
I just want this to stop, and most of all protect my daughter ..what more can I do, and why after 5 years is it back ..like a cancer ..my mother died of cancer and it is like this nightmare, a recurring nightmare, why cannot the spath leave us in peace.
Sorry to go on. My son is back at school my daughter goes back Monday, she is so beautiful, caring and simply lovely (I would say that) but she is, so clever as well and hard working. The next 6 weeks are so important, and this thing seems to determined to upset my daughter.
I really don’t get it, 5 years and now wants contact ..any suggestions, my daughter knows what he is, she told me ‘it’ was a sociopath …
Why can’t it just leave us alone, even my daughter 3 years ago said ‘he is just so embarrassing’ ..what don’t they get??
I just want help, this so just so weird. I do know the spath is jealous even of his own children. I had a McKenzie friend Dr Gill with me in court, he sussed out the spath in 30 minutes, called the spath ‘a con man, who insults our intelligence’ ..his lies are so mad ..comical ..
I am so worried ..
Raven, I add my deepest condolances to you and my admiration for your courage and spirit. It really continues to amaze me how callous and sub-human these spaths can be – regarding his behavior etc. But I can sense that what you have been through has made him seem ever so small and pathetic. Which he obviously is.
Movingon- As your daughter is 18 cannot she simply refuse contact? Go “potted plant” on him? I can see that you worry he might try to derail your proud and happy event, and likely more- but how could he force a visitation? In any event, all the best with your situation, and the drama and trauma that they love to stir up.
Dr. Steve, Great insights, and timely for me as well.
I have just filed a new court case against spath, as I uncovered LOTS of evidence about his shenanigans. I am sure he was thinking he had the last laugh until about yesterday.
He recently had a leg amputated, so I cannot help but think that he is “hopping mad”. When we get to court- I don’t think he will have a “leg to stand on”
Sorry, I know, enough of the sick jokes…but really..
He is LIVID that I found out what he is up to. LIVID. Self righteous indignation. How dare I uncover his secrets? His lies? His contempt of court? His purjury?
But I agree Steve, their laughter is as hollow and fake as everything else. That being said, I still think that going after justice is worth the fight- and the vision of his laughter turning to howls of disbelief and despair is truly satisfying at the moment.
Peace, A
Moving on he is just trying to cause trouble, to get back at you (and your child) for trying to get the money he owes which he doesn’t want to pay.
I would just tell the school that she does not want to see him, have the school turn him away, if that doesn’t work, call the police, she is 18 and can say who she sees and who she doesn’t. He can’t force himself on her. Tell her to ignore as much of it as she can and to just concentrate on her tests….it is just trying to make trouble, he has no desire to “see” her except to whine and cry about money to maybe get her to see his “side” LOL Yea, right!
” venal, pathetic, hollow indiviual”
Well…..I believe spath is heading back this way……maybe for the summer……
If his ‘drug case’ is continued….he will go to trial….but at the earliest Sept…..
He recently got a job….in a ‘new’ state…outside of his 5 states he’s been rotating through…..it’s a regular job like a normal person…..and I didn’t think it would last past the first paycheck…… drug dealer turned min. wage worker…..HAH…yeah…..OKAY!
So….he’s been whooing former clients in my town. Summers the busy season…..and a few of the peeps had NO relationship with him…….He’s starting the networking con……to come back.
He would think he could come back to the open armed celebration and make the legal money we did together….competing with me in business.
1. he’s not capable….
2. Yes….he could do the schmooze….win the client…..and then flounder at the work.
3. It’s the suck in currently that bothers me……STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY TOWN!!!!!!!
What do I do……
PREEMPT!
This is my mission currently…..pre emt his return.
Go on a mission to market myself. Be seen, and pull on my support to get the word out.
Plant seeds to make certain local folks/clients know HIS legal/drug issues……..
Our restraining order is up shortly…….and i’m certain he’s on his way back for the ‘win’.
Kids are doing well right now…..and I don’t want HIS shit in their world upsetting their progress.
Who the hell does he think he is…….
I guess I gotta set him straight!!!!
Farker!
EB,
After reading your above post, I laughed and said that poor bastard’s gonna get mangled….lol