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By | May 18, 2010 148 Comments

EMBRACE yourself. You are all you need to hold onto.

Seven steps to healing the lovesick heart.

We’ve all had them. Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong. The sense of loss. Of abandonment. Of feeling devalued and discarded. Of being ”˜less than’ the light of love in our lover’s eyes. We’ve all had them and sometimes, those feelings linger for longer than is healthy for us to reclaim our sense of self-worth, of beauty, of joy in our essence of being alive.

EMBRACE yourself. You’ve got all you need to hold onto

is a seven step process that guides you through letting go of the love that was (and will never be again) into loving what is and will always be within you. You. Whole and complete. Living the 3Ms of self-eMPOWERED YOU! Magnificent! Miraculous! Marvelous!  

EMBRACE:          

Engage your heart. Still your mind.

 Mindfully watch your words and actions.

 Be honest with yourself.

Reacquaint yourself with you.

Allow yourself forgiveness.

Celebrate yourself.

Explore your world.

1.      Engage your heart by stilling your mind. Meditate. Walk. Do something to get out of your thinking telling you your heart is broken. It isn’t. It’s just hurting because your breathing and thinking is tied up in thoughts of what he did to hurt you. It wasn’t about you. It was always about him.

In your meditation whisper: 

Like me, he is seeking to be loved and this is the only way he knows how.

Like me, he has experienced pain, sorrow, and sadness and is looking for a way to avoid feeling them again.

Like me, he only knows this way he is choosing to behave.

And if you can say nothing else, repeat a hundred x ten times a day: I forgive him. I release him.

2.      Mindfully watch everything you do and say. Become conscious of your choices knowing that they are always a reflection of your thinking and your thinking will always create how you are feeling and your experience in this moment.

Ask yourself — what do I want to feel in this moment? What is my intention for the day? Tell yourself you are capable of having what you want by reminding yourself what you’re capable of”¦

                I wish to feel peace.

                I want to feel peace.

                I can feel peace.

I choose to be at peace in this moment now. In my choosing peace in this moment, I create the path for peace to appear in the next moment and the next and the next. I am the source of my thinking, my feelings, my actions and I choose to be responsible for my choices.

3.     Be honest with yourself. Your healing will only progress to the degree that you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.

His actions were never about you. His actions, words, what he did were always about him.

You do not matter to him. He was not ”˜out to get you’. He was out to get what he wanted to make his life have meaning.

It wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to hurt you. He set out to protect himself. He set out with the belief that ”˜you’ were a way for him to feel good about himself. You couldn’t be his way to feeling good about himself. You are not that powerful. Making him feel good about himself is not your job. Feeling good about yourself is your job. It is your responsibility. You get to choose how you feel about yourself. Be honest — are your choices making you feel better about yourself or worse? Is your thinking giving you what you want or is it taking from you what you need to Love yourself exactly the way you are?

4.     Reacquaint yourself with you — remind yourself about who you were before he came into your life. Remember the things you did that said — I am a magnificent human being.

Did you used to volunteer at a hospital? At a homeless shelter? Did you used to do things that created value in your life, that created value in the world around you? Remind yourself of your power to do things that make a difference. If you could do those things then, you can do those things now. Let go of ”˜used to’ and get doing. Remind yourself of those things. You need to get moving. Get doing. Get being who you believe yourself to be. Who you say you are. Do them now. Do them again and again. Get involved and get into action.

5.      Allow yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive anyone and anything who ever hurt you.

Holding onto pockets of unforgiveness limits your experience of your life free of his abuse. Forgive him. Remember, it wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to destroy you. He was just doing what he does and you happened to be in his path. He has since, ”˜gotten over you’. He is off doing what he does in someone else’s life. What’s in it for you to hold onto his bad behavior after he’s gone? Forgive him. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know this would happen. You didn’t know you would be so hurt. So broken. So sad. And it’s okay. Forgive yourself and breathe into forgiveness all the loving kindness you possess.

6.      Celebrate everything about you. Celebrate your magnificence. Your brilliance. Your light — even when the voices inside would tell you you’re not — celebrate yourself for all you’re worth! You are worth living it up for. Take yourself out on a date. Do something fun and whacky. Go to the zoo. Go bungee jumping. Take dance lessons. Learn a new skill. Celebrate everything about you in everything you do.

7.      Explore life. Life isn’t about searching for the right answers, or the perfect you. Life is in the experience of living it. It’s about exploring your beliefs, what beliefs you want to hold onto and those you need to let go of because they’re not working for you any more. If believing he hurt you causes you pain, let go of the belief. If thinking of him makes you sad, explore new thoughts.

 Life is in discovering where you’re at is exactly where you are meant to be. Explore this place you’re at right now. Explore your perimeters., Explore your life beyond this place where you find yourself caught up in living small, living less than your dreams.

Get up. Get moving. Quit talking about him. Quit explaining to yourself and anyone who will listen why what he did was so wrong. Wrong or right, it is what he did and all the explanations in the world will never make sense of his nonsense — so give it up. Let it go. Engage yourself in your life. Engage yourself in shining so bright upon your path the whole world lights up around you.

EMBRACE what is. And, if the thought it should be some other way interferes, embrace it and love it to death, or at least until it doesn’t hurt you any more to believe it should be some other way. It isn’t. It can’t be. Embrace what is, love yourself as you are and let yourself go to that place where you are free to explore and experience life on your terms. Free to love fearlessly. To live with abandon. To dance in the rain and run naked through wildflower strewn meadows. It is, and always has been, your choice to embrace what is and live it up for all you’re worth!

Are you willing to do it? It is your life. No one else can live it for you.

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

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GettingIt

Thank you for sharing. To be honest, you lost me right when you said: forgive him. No, there are ways of forgiving self and releasing “them” but forgiveness is only for those who seek it, who realize how wrong they were and who feel – something, anything at all, besides self – righteous anger and a sense that the whole world owes them something for the creation that IT (P) is. In fact, I think the Betrayal Bond explicitly said forgiveness isn’t necessary for healing, and I really believe that. It is when I feel like forgiving him and what was done onto me and onto my family that I know I am not doing so well. There are certainly evil things in this world – to never be forgiven and to never be forgotten. Forgiveness is different than acceptance that something terribly wrong happened to you, that you became a victim in a time of peace, and – at best, someone’s sick “joke”.

Also, perhaps, “They are not all out to get us” but somehow I find that wrong when I learn my exP’s ways. Mine always goes after power women and ends up bringing them to their knees. It is SO personal with him. His mother was a power woman. I think he had never lived up to her expectations somehow, so he’s learned to pay back with every next victim. And – it would be almost forgivable had he sought treatment, realized the harm he caused to hundreds (literally) and changed his ways. Exploring, embracing, celebrating – I am all about this type of healing. But, there will always remain the appreciation for a new world, the world I did not know existed – the world of pure evil, lies, pathology and pretense. He is NOT like me, never was and never will be. Sorry if I am a bit harsh. Did not mean to offend anyone. Just wanted to reflect some of my own feelings for conversation sake.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

This really does read like a prescription for how to relate to yourself to deal with ‘Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong.’

BUT, as i said to someone who said that it was too bad that i had had a ‘bad relationship’, ‘THIS WAS NOT A BAD RELATIONSHIP, I WAS CONNED BY A SOCIOPATH.’

Although there are some very good ideas in this article, the tone of it and the suggestions en total do not ring true to the experience of how to heal from a ppath; it sounds like it could have come out of Cosmo, directed at a very different audience.

The whole section of things to whisper to oneself in ‘engage’ is offensive to me. I really doubt that she was trying to love me, ‘but just doesn’t know how.’ and repeating the suggested lines about a ppath would only serve to make one believe that they were dealing with a person with conscience and THAT is a form of whitewashing denial – a VERY bad idea. This is the exact opposite of how meditation is used – it should be used to see what is, not to convince ourselves of what isn’t.

changedforever

It is more than a year and I can’t get him over my mind. I’m tired! I just heard that he has a new girlfriend and they are so happy planning to buy a house and live together and this was just the trigger for me to start thinking about him again. I was even thinking that maybe she is lucky because she found him on his mellow stage (he is going 40 years old this year) and probably he is going to love and treat her better than he treated me. Maybe he is a better “sociopath” now” Can you believe I am thinking like that after everything I went through? How can I forgive if I still think he wreck my life and made me waist nine years of my life? I don’t want to see or hear that he is happy, all I want is for him to have a bad time and suffer the same way I am now. How can I forgive if all I think is just the worst moments I spend with this man, the humiliations and verbal abuse, the manipulations, lies and cheating? Sometimes I hate myself for even spend time thinking about this man. I can’t understand! I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND MYSELF”Is it because I feel that I am the loser because I didn’t find a boyfriend and moved on with my life and he is already happy and in another relationship? I really and truly would like to find the strength to forgive him but I find it so difficult, it is easy said than done.

Joy

Beautiful thoughts for moving forward and embracing a NEW more positive life. I too struggle with the word FORGIVE. I think in The Christian sense we take the word to mean now pure and without blame. I think in the sense of dealing with the Sociopath, we need to change the meaning of the word to more of a release, finding it less personal like a snake that bites. We don’t blame the snake for doing its thing though we loathe the pain it causes. It is very personal to us. It is not personal to them. Delete you. Replace you. Repeat cycle. Over and over again. They don’t find true love and become wonderful with another. I think that what pains us the most is the false believe that we aren’t worthy but someone else is. Not true. They find the next victim to use until they get bored or there is nothing left to take from them. We struggle while they move on unencumbered by their deeds. This article is about releasing them to the fate of the world and delighting in a world where we can have all the things they can’t, Real love, Real joy, Real peace, Real love of life, and Real healing:)

kim frederick

I had a dream last night. In my dream I woke up in a hovel of a house I lived in when I was about 18, first married, and I had one small child, pregnant with my next. I had the feeling that I had spent the night with my last spath, and I looked around the house tell I found him, asleep in another room. I thought, Oh hell. How did I get back here again?

He woke up, and came into the living room with a suit-case and a pile of folded clothes. I jumped on him and pushed him back on the sofa, held him down and said, “oh no. You will not leave me like this again, and you will hear me this time. Then I guess my common sense kicked in, and I continued saying, “although I know you can’t hear me because You’re not equiped to hear me.” But then I said, “this is so typicle of you. Find me in a better place where I’m safe and happy, take me back to a place of misery and dependance, and over the course of 24 hrs you leave me there.”

That’s when I woke up, and when I took a look at this dream, I realized that it was myself I should have been talking to, since he was not equiped. Upon furthat reflection, I realized the house was a state of mind, and represented emotional dependancy, a place of fear and insecurity…a place I re-enter when I become attached to a relationship, and especially the last one with spath who left me everytime the bottom fell out, and returned when I’d put it back together.

It represented a cycle that I have been repeating since I was 18…

Yes he was spath. Yes I have blamed him and blamed him. I have spent an enormous amount of energy hating him…I have had revenge fantasys and harbored ill-will.

Now the only revenge I expect is that he is still living in his soulless hell.

M. I, too try to live by the phylosophy that we are all just growing up and learning each day, that we all desire love, but that some of us are just less able, and it does help us forgive.

I have come to the conclusion that to hang on to a great deal of resentment is to allow them to continue to own us, manipulate us, and destroy our lives.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we’re saying what they did was okay…I think we can still be adament that it wasn’t. But I think it’s the place we are when we really let go, and get back to living our own lives on our own termsa and being true to ourselves.

It’s where we finally end the obsession.

shana31

I can see where some may have a problem with this whole concept. I feel it just means you are not to this point in your healing. This is more the feeling you get when you are at “the end”, though you will never be completely free of it, but it is the knowledge, power and strength you will take with you on the next leg of your journey. We have been victimized, traumatized, betrayed, disrespected, disappointed. But you will one day move on. You have to. You will realize that by staying down, you are giving up your power to control your own life and outcomes. I just watched Seven the other night, and felt like Brad Pitt pointing the gun at Kevin Spacey. Wanting to kill him, debating with himself momentarily as Morgan Freeman says “Don’t do it, if you do, he wins”.
When healing comes, it is like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I have only been free of my S for about 5 months, but I have been through a lot in my 47 years, and thankfully, had somewhat of a foundation to fall back on. He did break me down to a point I thought I would not recover from. I told him he would haunt me for a long time, but even though I can not go days without thinking of him, more like hours, I have reached the point where my thinking has evolved to #3. Having read The Four Agreements last year put me in a better mindset to understand this. When I feel myself backsliding, I remember some of his last words to me….You are a lot stronger than I am.
I hold onto that.

You will make it.

kim frederick

Changed, Yes it is hard and doesn’t happen over night. It’s a process. It’s okay to be angry and confused…It’s all part of it, and it’s not always straight forward either. One day we feel we’re making progress and the next we’re madder than a wet hen. Willing ourselves into forgiveness doesn’t work either. We don’t “should” on ourselves. Acceptance means self acceptance and accepting where we are as a part of the process. I think we can keep an eye to where we eventually want to be, though, and try to stay open minded about how we will get there.

Also, your X’s new relationship is nothing but a repitition with a mask on. That mask just hasn’t slipped yet, as it surely will, so do not dispair….she got the same guy you had, and you outgrew. If she’s lucky, she’ll out grow him, too, and he’ll end up the same sorry guy, only older with less possibilitys of getting his needs met. He won’t change, but we can and do.

My thought are with you in your healing.

Buttons

This is an awesome and powerful post with gentle words that are tempered with strength and courage!

Gripping bitterness with both hands becomes such a tedious task. Yes, there were many, many times that I wanted everyone to know what a vile thing the ex spath was. To what good? Would anyone actually believe the truths? How could someone do those things and not be obvious?

The “forgiveness” began solely with me – my Self – my soul. I forgave myself for choosing him. I forgave myself for allowing his coersions. I had to do this for ME, or I’d keep slipping down the inside of that toilette bowl of misery. The sides are slick and there’s nothing to grab onto! It was a real and TRUE fight to forgive myself, and I didn’t really want to release that bitterness – it had become so comfortable because it presented no challenges or risks. I felt that cloak of bitterness kept me warm, even though it was full of holes and in tatters. Forgiving the ex spath for his illness came in small bits – nobody would choose to be without a soul. I echo the idea that forgiveness doesn’t ALLOW the damage, but it allowed me to move forward on my healing path. It just happened. It wasn’t conscious, and it surely wasn’t something that I wanted to do! I wanted to hate that creature for the rest of my natural life!

I was angry when the ex spath kicked the bucket. I was furious. I had never taken the opportunity to tell it of the damage that it had inflicted upon so many people. Then, I grieved for what SHOULD have been. Finally, it’s gone. The rage, the anger, the fear – all gone. It can’t harm anyone else. Sure, the memories remain, but that’s all they are: memories. The past can’t hurt me, anymore, if I don’t allow it. Wherever the ex spath is, it’s no longer with me and that’s the brightest blessing I can imagine. The aftermath remains, and this is just one of those things that I can choose to slog through or stop and sink into. Throw me that line, because I’m valuable! I’m excited to greet every new day! I have a joy of life, finally, that has been missing for nearly 25 years!

It’s a day of celebration for each and every one of us. We are all alive. We all have the opportunity to crinkle up our faces and laugh with honest and joyous abandon! We all, for this ONE moment, can feel peace because we are moving further and further away from a poison that would surely kill us emotionally, if not physically. Today, we live. Today, we have the chance to do something positive and productive. Today, we are not enslaved. Today…….even if it’s JUST FOR today, or just for the next hour, or just for the next 5 minutes, we are safe and we are each healing.

Thank you so, so much for this article!

tobehappy

It is so uncanny that this article came out today.
I found my recovery taking the “spiritual” path. I went to counselling to vent and talk it out…process what happenned.
Then I found the “inner peace” by doing exactly what M.L. Gallhager said….looking at the situation differently.
Instead of feeling hurt and anger toward him, I looked at him for what he truly is…damaged. And, immediately I felt better.
Why? Because the energy you put out…all day…boomerangs right back atcha!!! That is the law of the “universe”.
When you are positive, all positive happens. When you are angry…it comes back to you. I truly believe that ALL physical illnesses..(bar genetics), are from anger. There is research to back up this.
You cannot separate physical from emotional. When you are cold or scared…you shiver or shake. If we listen to our bodies, we can FEEL what is happenning. Gut feelings are there for a reason.
I had TERRIBLE anxiety attacks..panic attacks, after the first time I slept with my Xbf and I blamed it on hormones..etc.
My body was telling me that something wasn’t right.

My point is that last week, after getting texts and emails from my x bf….I REGRESSED back into the “little abused girl who was abandoned” and I was achey, sick, and tired all week.

I finally took ACTION…I forced myself to get back to the gym..my safe haven. I exercised my butt off…sweat, did weights….etc.

I IMMEDIATELY felt like a million dollars! Got back into positive mode..”Its all about ME now! Back to ME….”
And, all good came that day! A check in the mail..unexpected, good news from my attorney about my house…met a new girlfriend who just relocated here (was involved with a spath too!)….and I slept sososoo well.

I looked at the whole experience with myxhusb..ten yrs of abuse…and my xbf…two years of confusion…and I saw it in a new light. They are just disordered damaged men who really weren’t out to hurt me…they were just looking for someone to lift them up and love and adore them. They couldn’t do it. With their distrusting and paranoid minds….they destroyed anything good that comes their way. Pityful.

So, I feel positive about MY life now. My dealings with them were just SEGMENTS of my life that I will no longer dwell on.
It was what it was…..and in the long run…both triggered me to “heal”my “inner child”…to look deep within myself,….to look back at what happenned to me as a child to make me unhappy…..then..and now.

So, now I am REFOCUSING on ME ME ME. Forget HIM HIM HIM…I know what he is…he is not normal or good. He’s out of my life for GOOD.

He said he was “sorry” recently in a text…and my reaction was…”Yes, you ARE a sorry person. You never had the strength to overcome your abusive childhood. You are never happy…so you go around using and abusing and hurting people in your life….and I feel sorry for you too..because you are a sad case.”

At least I had the strength to go to counselling, and resolve my own abuse and rebuild into a strong peaceful person.
Thats what its all about….after all.

We come here ….are born to abusive families…and then we attract it over and over…until we get stompted on so low as an adult….then we either give up…or we DO THE WORK…to find our worth and value in life.

I found my worth. I raised 3 beautiful girls…all honor students..all happy….all confident. They are what I should have been..had I had a “normal” childhood.

And, no “damaged” person is worthy of my time, love, and energy.

So, I stay positive daily…knowing that life is short and I am CREATING a nice life for myself now…MINUS “damaged” people. I wrote off my two sisters and anyone who was just bringing me down, since I broke up with the xspath.

Everyday I send out blessings and love to these pathetic people…I can do that …because I am happy now. I won’t hate, hold onto anger,…..because I am not hurting anymore.
If I do….it only comes back to ME. Everyday is precious. We don’t know what comes next….accidents, diseases..losses.

So, I am going to FEEL good and all good things will come.
Since I got away from the x….I’ve had nothing but GOOD “luck”. I brought that luck to myself. I sent it out and had “faith” and it came back.

Where energy goes…energy flows.

Staying positive.

shana31

Buttons-

“nobody would choose to be without a soul.” So, so true. I think it is in The Sociopath Next Door where the author says it is akin to being born without fingers.
I love your analogy of the toilet bowl. The day to day struggle is like a game of chutes and ladders. But eventually you do win!

Ox Drover

Dear Louise,

As alwlays a peace affirming piece on recovery!

Letting go of the ugly and embracing the beautifrul, opening our eyes and ears to the beauty, when the bitternest of emotions have blocked our sight and hearing.

Letting go of the wrath and rancor and embracing ourselvges, opens the world to a new beauty that we cannot otherwise see. ((((Hugs)))))

Buttons

Navajo Prayer

In Beauty may you walk.
All day long may you walk.
Through the returning seasons may you walk.
On the trail marked with pollen may you walk.
With grasshoppers about your feet may you walk.
With dew about your feet may you walk.

With Beauty may you walk.
With Beauty before you, may you walk.
With Beauty behind you, may you walk.
With Beauty above you, may you walk.
With Beauty below you, may you walk.
With Beauty all around you, may you walk.

In old age wandering on a trail of Beauty,
lively, may you walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of Beauty,
living again, may you walk.
It is finished in Beauty.
It is finished in Beauty.

Ox Drover

I’ve learned to set boundaries for how I allow others treat me.

I’ve also started to lerarn how to set boundaries on how I allow myself to think as well as act.

The thought is father to the action. If we keep our thoughts “pure and good”we can find peace much more easily than if our thoughts continue the bitterness we first embraced.

As I ride a horse or donkey, it may try to go off in a direction to which I don’t want to go, but I correct the direction and turn him into the sunshine, rather than let him wander off in the darkness. Just as I can turn the direction of the donkey I can turn the direction of my thoughts and choose the path down which they go. I choose to go on peaceful and joyful paths, and avoid the rocky, dangerous, anxiety producing ones. I am able to control my environment, and though the animal I ride may very much want to go into the dark dangerous path, I can control him, I* can control what I think and where I go—even my thoughts, even my moods. The more I practice, the easier it becomes. TOWANDA and (((((hugs)))) Love Oxy

learning

Dear Louise –

T H A N K Y O U!

Thank you for showing many of us what a healthy path is, does and can accomplish!!!!

You are an inspiration to me… a true example of nearly losing your life and choosing to find the answers and ways to rebuild and regain your sense of the most beautiful inner and outer YOU!

For some forgiveness is key…and it was for me. It might not be for all, but in order for me to find that real deep inner beautiful self again I made the choice to forgive both of us. Its not a forgiveness where I announce it to him or the world… just a forgiveness within so my spirit and soul could move on, move away, let go of SO MUCH ABOUT HIM that was weighing me down, keeping me stuck, clouding my view and stunting my growth on my healing path!

Let go of the past…both with him and your own past….find the strength and wisdom to dare to bring the focus back to yourself – and release what was in order to allow all the potentials of what will be, what can be EMBRACED going forward.

Who knew that to embrace certain things about ourselves means letting go of certain things about ourselves too !!!!!! SO COOL

Again, thank you for ALL of your contributions and encouraging us to find our strength and balance to not only walk the healing path…but to run full force back into the open arms of life and living healthy again ( or maybe even for the first time ever)!! Better late than never ! xoxo LTL

CAmom

I find forgiveness to be a tough call. Several years ago I forgave my sadistic, abusive father, and I didn’t do it because he asked for it; he said his only regret as a father was “not spending more time with you kids.” Chilling thought, that–any *more* time with him and the “kids” might not have survived.

I forgave him for me and me alone. And found a huge weight lifted off my back. A weight that has never resettled.

The spath ex–not there yet. But am on my way. I no longer think about him in an emotionally charged way. Think of it/him/the marriage more as an event, one of many in my life. I was spathed. I lost a great deal–time, money, self-esteem, self-worth, identity. But I don’t spend any time thinking badly of him. He did what he did. He couldn’t do otherwise. I wasn’t the first, and probably won’t be the last. (He’s still online, looking for women) (And men)

I don’t think about him much at all. But it’s taken a few years.

Once I could see my dad as another person, separate from the “dad” label, and understand his past, he went from being an object of fear and hatred to just another person–vile, yes. Destructive, yes.

I’m working on moving the spath out of the “evil object” category and into the member of the human race category.
When I succeed, then I will forgive him as well. I can’t forgive an object, but I can forgive a person. And I will do it for me, not for him. He has never asked for forgiveness.

And he doesn’t need to because it isn’t about him. It’s about me and my emotional and physical health.

Forgiving myself wasn’t easy either, but was and is a powerful step on the path to healing. I was/am fallible, I did my best, I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I saw the red flags on our first date and ignored them, wanting to believe the illusion, the beautiful promise of an “us.” I forgive myself for hurting myself. (“Forgive” not “Forgave” because it’s an on-going process to forgive myself for many things, for the many ways I have damaged myself and others and no doubt will continue to in one way or another through ignorance and misguided good intentions that fall short).

I’ve found that forgiveness is one of the most empowering gifts we can give to ourselves–forgiveness of others, forgiveness of ourselves. But no, not easy, and a few years ago I would have said “Are you kidding? Forgive the ex? Never! That monster did…” But for me to be free, I must forgive. And again, for me it means putting him in the human race category first. He’s almost there. Just gotta file those horns down a bit : )

Maryjane

Great post.. and yep, when you forgive,,, is when you can let it go.. doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that you don’t flip back into anger but it releases lots of tension in you and leaves you open to recieve…

and if you are aware of all this .. you can observe people more clearly.. really hear what they are saying and why and their motivation behind it..

I find I am better and better at perceptions…

I still get slammed and hurt but after I emote I flip out of it into centeredness again..

I think when one holds onto what was done that is holds in your energy and release becomes impossible…

bulletproof

M.L. Gallagher

Wow what a beautiful post. I am human and I have hated him with a vengeance. I have visualized all kinds of misfortunes and prayed that he would die in agony.

I am also a spiritual being, I know there is a “higher self” (the best that we can be exists, and always tutors us and coaxes us forward) and even HE has a higher self. and it is THAT person I forgive, his higher being…the being he has yet to become.

It’s so hard to forgive him, yet I do with all my heart, because that is the only true way to release the pain. I also love myself and would never put myself in a similar position again….but for the learning and the love it has produced? thank you

having said that I would protect a baby, a child, an animal, a woman, a man who was being hurt by a socio/psychpath….ANY way I could.

tobehappy

Wow, I just want to repeat the words you say because they mean alot to me:

We come here ”.are born to abusive families”and then we attract it over and over”until we get stompted on so low as an adult”.then we either give up”or we DO THE WORK”to find our worth and value in life.

yes to DOING THE WORK….thank you!

silvermoon

CA MOM you said: But for me to be free, I must forgive.

The point is to be free.
That is what we do the work for.

Whatever work is needed.
And it is ongoing.

Freedom is not free.
There is a cost of time, money and effort.

Let no one have yours!

Vive la liberte~!

lostingrief

forgive, eh?
i don’t think so.
if there had been a lack of malice, i would forgive. if there had been an acknowledgement of the deceit, and how it hurt, i would forgive.
of course, there wasn’t and there never will be.
there is a great deal of forgiveness in my heart toward those who ask for forgiveness.
spaths never ask, because they just don’t care.
forgiveness will not make me any more ‘free’ than i already am…the freedom is in the lack of drama and peace that is now my life without him.
i so respect eveyone’s personal journey here. and it is interesting to read all the ways to freedom we have found.
towanda!

learning

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. …

I guess in that sense, it was fitting and necessary for me in my journey to just relinquish everything anything and all that had to do with him – make him non-existent and to all-encumber that it included doing the above deep within myself to set myself free of from letting myself be haunted by him within.

Yes it is so interesting Lostingrief how some of us chose to do that, or needed to do that and others simply didnt have a need to do that to get on with their life in the healthiest of ways (for them)…

I join you in saying Towanda to everyone who has found their own way to freedom and release from a toxic person/relationship!

CAmom

Lostingrief,

I could forgive my dad because I needed to do that to move on with my life. I needed to forgive him. But I don’t think it’s a one-size-fits-all thing at all. Nor do I think it’s the only way to be free.

I can’t forgive my sister…it doesn’t feel right. She is an ongoing one person destruction machine. The best I can do is not think about her. As you said, “…the freedom is in the lack of drama and peace that is now in my life…” Yes.

That’s all I can hope for as far as my sister is concerned. I’m not sure why she is different from my dad and the spath ex. Maybe because I have never seen a spark of humanity in her, and that’s harsh…never seen her or known of her to express any remorse at all–for anything she’s done to anyone. If she were to ever ask for some forgiveness I would not believe her.

So forgiving her is not an option. Distance is, not thinking about her is, making sure I never see her again…those are the only ways to find freedom when it comes to her. So I guess it’s kind of selective and individual for me. Different relationships, different people, require different paths to the same end–freedom and peace.

dancingnancies

“On healing & forgiveness”
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/03/healing-and-forgiveness.html
by Kathy Krajco

tobehappy

About FORGIVENESS

In Alice Miller’s book The Drama of the Gifted Child….she says that “forgiveness” is not only not necessary..it can be detrimental.

In other words…you put the blame on yourself by forgiving. At certain stages..its ok to UNDERSTAND that the abuser is a victm themselves..which made THEM an abuser…but to “forgive”…can hurt you.

I see it this way: I totally understand that the men who were abusive and selfish and manipulative…and conning…were really disordered.
It doesn’t matter now..I do NOT want them in my life. I do NOT however hate them…or feel angry at them. They weren’t out to hurt me…they just did…they were out to fill their own NEEDS for attention, love, adoration….It was NOT to purposefully hurt me.

I do believe that both of them “liked” me…and “cared” for me. Only they were so insecure and scared…they always had to have someone else lined up ‘in case’, to fill thier own needs. They think that this is LOVE….but they just can’t commit and be loyal.

I ended both of these relationships…when I felt that they both weren’t capable of “loving” and being honest. My husb was verbally abusive and controlling. My xbf was controlling and sneaky.

So, I don’t forgive them for their unfaithfulness…..and abuse….But, I don’t hate them or feel anger toward them. I feel sorry for them.

I forgive MYSELF for not doing what it takes to become a strong confident woman. I got lazy and didn’t work on myself and my self esteem issues. So, they got me at a low point on my life…vulnerable.

I don’t blame myself…it was what it was at the time. Now that I am alone…I am working on bettering myself …physically and mentally.

Its working…because I totally FOCUS on ME…the gym is my sanctuary…and I have “let go” of the whole experience with my x.

I learned from my “setback” last week when he texted and emailed me…and I realized what a waste of time it is to try to figure out why and go back and think of it all.

It is over….no going back…no more focusing on what happenned and why. I know why….he just can’t have a normal relationship….he’s not normal and healthy psychologically.

I am MOVING FORWARD now…and it feels really good.

silvermoon

Just like Woody said to Buzz Lightyear- that’s not flying, that’s falling with style.

Whatever it takes to go forward with peace in the rearview mirror.

Call it what you will, but strive not to carry the anger forward so that truly, there is healing.

Ox Drover

Dear Silver, RIGHT [email protected] Words, and especially a word like “forgiveness” has SO MANY SHADES of “meaning” to different people. To my egg donor, it means “let’s pretend it never happened.” Of course that is DELUSIONAL! It did happen, and it hurt, and it was intentional, and it will happen again! There not only wasn’t any repentence, there wasn’t even any acknowledgment that it actually happened!

Well, in my dictionary that is NOT FORGIVENESS.

I grew until I could DEFINE “forgiveness” for myself. I could also define other words like “love,” “truth,” “honor” and “obligation.”

Learning to VALIDATE my own opinions, to hold my own throughts, and to stand up and truly aqccept responsibility for my own decisions and my own choices has been an uphill struggle, but I’m getting there.

The egg donor who is so “big” on others forgiving and forgetting everything is the best in the world at holding grudges, in nurturing bitterness and racor in her heart, in laying down her head on a pillow of wrath and angst! I think I will pass on those negative thoughts and feelings, and I will not let the sun go down upon my wrath, but I will firmly embrace anger in the face of injustice!

tobehappy

I think the anger is healthy at the beginning…it gets you moving. But, I HATE to feel anger at anyone or thing. Its so negative and hurts ME.

Its a secondary emotion…underlying is HURT. you cann’t be angry without feeling hurt.

If you continue to be angry..you will ruin your body.They say all cancer is from anger. My mom was so critical, and angry all of the time about something. She died young..of cancer.

I’m not walking around feeling negative emotions anymore..NO anger, fear, sadness, depression, etc..

I want JOY in my life..everyday.

Life is so unpredictable snd too short to stress out.

GettingIt

I’ve read almost all of the posts. It’s wonderful that we have our huge hearts capable of trying to reason the unreasonable and find logic in unimaginable. I once saw an interview with two Bosnian women, who were well educated and well established before the war broke out in Yugoslavia. One said:”This can’t happen to Europe. This happens in underdeveloped countries. Europe lived through WWII and suffered so much from Nazis.” Has it been forgotten?
Now – my question is, has Nazism been forgiven? It was created by evil humans and carried out with evil intent of killing millions.How can anyone say forget and forgive? Thousands of families lost, millions left orphaned.Had we as a human race been less forgetful, wars would cease all together. What P did to my family is unforgivable. My children suffered. I suffered. He is not capable of suffering. Even his high pain tolerance will make it uneasy to bring suffering, even at his death bed. I must say that it is time to move on and try to make sense as much as possible of what had happened, to take responsibility and to continue to help others. But, THIS forgiveness is for God alone. God be the judge.

GettingIt

TOBEHAPPY,
you know you don’t have to feel anger to “not forgive”. Not forgiving is not making it OK – at least, in my book. Not accepting. Does not mean I walk around being angry all the time. I feel hurt and it will take years before I will be able to trust again. And – even then, who knows whom I shall trust (hopefully, not a P who will get under my skin like the last one did). But, when I forgive someone, I do start over with that person. It’s something carried over from childhood, I guess. SO, by definition, my “forgiveness’ would invite the &^%& back into my solitude and this can never be. So, what is forgiveness? Understanding as it seems from this article? but, how can you understand THIS? At least, if we were thrown in a cage with a lion, we’d know that this is a predator, he was designed to kill. One hardly can hold it against an animal. Ps pretend to be human. They must be responsible for their actions as all humans must be. Justice was served to Nazis years after the war. Because some failed to forgive. And – I wish more of them had been brought to justice.

tobehappy

I think “forgive them for they know not what they do” is what it means .
In other words…Forgive their actions…but don’t let them back in again…forever.

GettingIt

Ahhh, 🙂 but, all psychologists agree: Psychopaths KNOW exactly what they are doing. They know they are doing wrong, going against the rules of society and the rules of humanity. Psychopaths, unlike someone with OCD or Schizophrenia DO have a choice. And instead, – they scuff about it. It’s one more rule broken without any retribution and it’s one more stupid human fooled. There are no rules against buying shoes. I must have 100 pairs. I don’t even know what all I have. I find a pair. Try it on. If it does not fit, I throw it back into the closet. Here is the thing: if society told me to limit my shoe fetish to 3 pairs, I would. I only need three. Truth is, some are too old or too warn and must go into the bin. But, I would truly limit it to 3. A psychopath will not limit his life to three relationships, to three children, to three jobs, to anything. Life is an opportunity and a game to them. Mine used to tell me that he “could not help it, he is an optimist” LOL – yeap, that sums it up.

Ox Drover

Dear Gettingit,
Forgiveness does NOT equal “pretending it didn’t happen.” The first thing that set me on the road to healingn and to forgiving was a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning” written by Dr. Viktor Frankl who spent 4 years in a Nazi prison camp and lost every living relative and his wife during those years and suffered so much, yet, he LET GO OF THE BITTERNESS in order to heal, to live and to grow. By golly, if he can do it, who am I, who has not lost 1% of what this man did to feel “bitter”? He did not in any way negate what the Nazis did or how horrible or inhumane they were, but he chose to live life and FIND MEANING in life, rather than spend the rest of his life bitter and filled with hate!

We can choose to spend our lives bitter, feel sorry for ourselves because we were injured by such uncaring people, or we can chose to let it go, let the bitterness evaporate and the peace, joy and love fill the spot. No two items can occupy the same space….if you are filled with wrath and bitterness, you don’t have room for peace, love and joy.
Anger is a necessary reaction to injury, but it shouldn’/t be a life style! Peace! ((((Hugs))))

GettingIt

OK, I hear you. Can I let it go and NOT forgive? 🙂
(of course, in my particular case there are only two ways I can really let it go: when my son turns 18 or when my ex hits the “6 Feet under”, whichever happens first)

GettingIt

Oxy, I am being childish and stubborn. I am probably not at that sacred place yet. When I was a teen, my best girlfriend was busted French-kissing my boyfriend under the guise of bringing us back together. I fell very ill, this was my first bout of depression. I did not expect her to behave this way, she knew I loved the guy. One day, two months later or so, I had a dream. In my dream, I got up from my bed, took a gun (never held one, never had one) and went to her house. In my dream, I put her to her knees and shot her execution style. Interestingly, my depressive symptoms were gone after that. I never saw her again in real life (or did not want to notice) and was able to really not agonize over what she had done. Of course, he was a part of this too, but at that moment, he and I broke up and so, he was an Ex, while she knew I wanted to make peace with him and offered to help.

So, point I am attempting to make here? I wish I had a dream where I could shoot the P execution style and never think of it again. Sometimes I wish for this dream, but I never get it. I think I am a bit more human and humane than when I was 15. Too bad. Btw, forgiveness has nothing to do with this. I was able to move on because in my mind, if only in my mind, justice had been served. (well, also – he dumped her a week later, he was trying to prove to me that he could get any girl he wanted to, it turns out; sound familiar, anyone?)

silvermoon

Getting it-

Stray thpught because your posts are thought provoking-

If you LET GO- does forgiveness or not really matter?

I guess its all about the rear view mirror? And with a child under 18, the bad one won’t disappear and I think there is a context there that says even if you let go, you must still be watchful for yourself and the child.

At some point, letting go means it isn’t something you have feelings about-my thought at the moment..

I’m thinking about a balloon floating off into the sky. Once you let it go, it disappears from sight and from thought – its let go.

But the same thing doesn’t quite apply- we’re talking about relationships-betrayals and lies.

Somehow we have to move on without letting go what we have learned but without carrying forward the negativity which can affect all that we seek to protect by engaging in the process of healing from these relationships.

I don’t have answers- only more and more questions. As if I have never seen the world before and it is a different place. I don’t know what the call is on this one.

As long as life goes forward with less lies, less distress and the problems are the kind which can be either solved or let go. I guess that’s what there is.

And as I awake to it, I am curious to know what all, what else there is. Because a world, a quiet life, without the deception, is a new and unfamiliar place and the things that made so much of it before, just don’t fit anymore.

Kind of like shoes in the closet. ten years later you clean it all out and you see a pair buried in the back that used to be a favorite and you think eew! What was I thinking?

But at the time, they made perfect sense and in a way that I wore them were a way of defining myself- my style.

Now it is what it is. What it will be? I won’t notice the change as dramatically. It will grow on me. And over time I will have released more and more balloons each disappearing into the clouds. And I won’t think about them much after that……

GettingIt

Silvermoon,
This is really poetic. Something I can “hold on to” – the thought of balloons disappearing in the sky. you wrote it so well, that I immediately had the vision and was able to connect with your thoughts. Perhaps, I will try “sending off thoughts of the P” as balloons – to disappear into the thin air.
Yes, I am one of those unfortunate souls, dealing with child “sharing” and the ugliness that my child brings each time he visits his P father. I am procrastinating about getting help. Perhaps, I don’t want to go “back there” again, perhaps, I am in denial… Flight or fight has another response – freeze. I freeze when in fear. (Least helpful instinctual response. Just look at the dead opossums on the road.)
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and thank you wholeheartedly for your response and advise.

silvermoon

Oh OX!

If you didn’t say IT ALL here, I don’t know when or where the words will be spoken!

Learning to VALIDATE my own opinions, to hold my own thoughts, and to stand up and truly accept responsibility for my own decisions and my own choices has been an uphill struggle, but I’m getting there.

AMEN

silvermoon

Gettingit,

🙂 Sometimes, I find that when approached with wonder – like the feeling we get when we watch the balloon float away the world is a much less fearful place.

There is a way of chilling that allows us to suspend the speed of events without freezing. We don’t have to go as fst as anyone else. Finding a comfortable speed of time – of that makes any sense- give you the time to choose what to do and form your thoughts. And its ok. Every minute of your life, is your time.

Perhaps a challenge for an opossum to understand. But, I think you may be much more of a balloonist than a marsupial…

Enjoy the bright colors…

(tee hee)

ErinBrock

Gettingit;
“in my particular case there are only two ways I can really let it go: when my son turns 18 or when my ex hits the “6 Feet under”, whichever happens first”

I sooooo relate! 🙂

The first part will happen on Thursday and the next few months will be very telling in my journey of healing.

I feel different every day!!!

skylar

been gone for a few months.
ya’ll wouldn’t believe the turns my life has taken. I’m not even sure what they are…it looks like I’ll always be supply to someone….
Anyway, I just logged in to see this thread. it connects to what I’ve been thinking about on the anniversary of leaving the psychopath: Bugs, Slugs and Dougs (his name), you can’t hate them for being what they are, you can only be disgusted by them. Its true that I’ll never forget how his phony love made me feel – so happy and fulfilled, so unlike anything imaginable. But now I know it was phony. I also know he is a sociopath because of what was done to him first: a 12 year old living with a prostitute. Forgiveness is reserved for those who are sorry and want to make amends. But compassion is for all humanity.

Buttons

Personally, I don’t believe that forgiveness is a mandate. It just came spontaneously for me. Forgiving, as OxD mentioned, has SO many levels, but it doesn’t mean that the spathy was acceptable, appropriate, or excused. For me, it just means acknowledging the spath’s insanity, and moving on. Sure, they choose to harm and they are not remorseful – in light of those facts, it must be a very empty Universe for them.

I love Skylar’s view: “you can only be disgusted by them.”

shana31

GettingIt- Regarding what you said about them knowing the rules, brings up something from the beginnings of my relationship with the S. After we had dated for a couple of weeks, he emailed me this little “quiz”, Let’s See What We Know About Each Other. It is questions like middle name, how many siblings, color of eyes, (kind of juvenile things actually), but in hindsight, the part that sticks out most is the question Do You Always Play by the Rules? My answer was yes, his was When I agree with them.
They DO know the rules, they do choose to disregard them, or use them as they see fit.

neveragain

I haven’t read all the comments, rushing, so sorry if I repeat a point already made. I like Dr. Phil’s “I release you”…I disengage from all feelings all about you, positive or negative, I am simply removing all emotional feelings from you. I release you.

He probably stated it better. But for me, that has been an achievable goal. Forgiving? Nope. Because he did nothing to earn forgiveness.

GettingIt

ErinBrock,
Tomorrow IS the day. Congrats and Happy B-day to the 18year old and good luck to you on that release we all struggle to achieve.

I so agree with Neveragain’s statement: I can imagine Releasing, not for his good, not even for the Universe, but for me and myself alone. The Universe needs a balance. Imagine what a bore it’d be if opposite polarities did not exist… But, this one we can sure do without.

Ox Drover

Hey Skylar BABY!!!!! How in the world are you!!!!! ((((Hugs))))

We all have to work toward “healing”—whatever that means to each of us!

The NIFTY THING IS!!!! Get this GUYS!!!! WE get to decide what that is! NO ONE can dictate to us, or tell us what we SHOULD feel, or MUST FEEL, or how bad we are if we don’t agree with them!!!! WOW!!!! CANNYA BELIEVE IT?????

WE get to make up OUR OWN MINDS!!!! What a liberating feeling! What a wonderful thought!!!!!!

shanmoo

Unfortunately some people do want to tell us how we should feel. ! Precisely those who havent experienced a sociopath ….

My life after my druggy P was going okay, I was due to move, and then I found out, that my ex was moving into the same area, with his new woman! Well that was quick … but then, he moved in with me after just a few months so what can you expect. And guess what, he was fuming angry about me moving there, of course, Im a part of his “drug abuse past”, and no he wont be civil, and yes, he will continue mentally abusing me. Well I had to weigh up the options, check out where he was living in relation to me, and no way hose, life is too short. I cancelled the move. He can live his new wonderful new life with his wonderful new woman in peace.

But friends criticised me, oh are you gonna let him rule your life and where you can live? No Im not, thats why Im not going to live there! Hey girl, why dont you just get over him, because I cant overnight you feeeekwits, dont you get it, Im a victim of abuse!

Grrrrr——–

Well I have been going through a few things on my computer, and I found a letter I wrote to him last July about why I dumped him that time, a reality check on why we stick with these people ….. I think it might ring a few bells for others…. unfortunately I went back to him about 2 weeks after that sigh and then he let me down again sigh— and that was the absolute last time-

He never read the letter,

Enjoy

—————-

“Dear R ….

I am ending this ”“ for good, no friendship, nothing, it is the only way.
You have not treated me from the beginning with the respect and love I deserve. Having done it some of the
time does not make that respect and love.
But I stuck It out and tried and tried ”“ because I thought I loved you.
The fact is, I do not, or have not, loved myself, and that is why I have gone back to you several times.
Anyone who loves themselves truly, would not go back to someone who manipulates, hurts and destroys
them, whether that negative behavior from the other was intentional or not.
I need to find the respect and love for myself again, and so long as you are in my life, carrying on and
treating me like you do, this cannot happen. And it is for sure that you do not love or respect yourself, with
all the behavior, scheming, and self abuse. It is a very bad combination.
OK, so I do not smoke cannabis to oblivion everyday or sit getting drunk every night. But I do effectively
the same by allowing my life to revolve around you, even when you have let me down and done terrible
things to me. Allowing myself to be hurt over and over again, is self abuse.
You might ask, how can it be that I do not love myself enough? Well there are some women who become
’women who love too much’ and go for needy men, wanting to be their saviour, taking the focus away from
themselves. They get abused. And it is like an addiction, it is a repeating pattern. Wanting to help ”“
wanting to be needed, and often very motherly women. It usually goes back to coming from a home where
love was missing from one or both of the parents, in some way. This is certainly true in my case. I have
never told you, but I had memories from very young, of my mother leaving me, not being there, and it was
often my father or grandparents who looked after me. On my 40th birthday, my mother told me she got post
natal depression after I was born, and rejected me, leaving me in my fathers hands, she was a nightmare, and
it didn’t start to get better until after my brother came 7 years later, but even then, its been so strained. This
has affected me all my life, including terrible things that happened to me when I was A’s (my then stepdaughter) age due to my
vulnerability, and me later going “off the rails” and so picking needy men.
I don’t know if you can understand this right now, but I hope it will explain my reactions to you over being
let down , breaking up, and coming back to you. I can in no way handle rejection, and will do anything to
make things work.
And then in my late 30s, I got sick, very very sick, and was forced to end a relationship and life in Sweden
and Denmark I didn’t want to end, but I had no choice. I came to Denmark to try and get better, maybe start
again with him, and just start a new life, but it hasn’t worked out for me that way. Although my physical
health got a lot better, my depression did not. When you met me, I was still in that depression, but you
became a light ”“ for a time and for some periods. I know that when I look back to those first dates, I could
see you were needy, so thin, and there was something about you that stunk of neediness, but I also did really
like you. So I tried.
Unfortunately it did not function did it, because you could not treat me with respect and decency, not turning
up, cancelling things, walking out on me when I tried to help you with your hash addiction. We did not
“drive” well until you were living with me, and then you began drinking. Instead of being grateful that there
was someone who actually was really concerned for you, you just got angry, walked out on me and seemed
to despise me.
All these months outside of the time we lived together, I have run around after you, trying to help you,
desperate to find anything to make things work, despite the bad treatment. Unable to live without you,
despite the bad treatment.
That is a woman who loves too much.
I do not understand why you have been with me R. Maybe you picked up on that I was vulnerable. I
just cannot believe some of the things you do, such as telling me that you love me, cant wait to see me, and
then not turning up, or manipulating changes of plan so that you can just stand me up without even a
message. Its sick R and really fucked up.
So why were you with me? Was it because you couldn’t do any better? Or that you could “make do” with me
and have me there for entertainment and a f*** when you felt like it? Like you did with Vs mother? (V is son he has no contact with)
Why did I meet all your cousins and see A at the weekend, when you don’t want to be with me and
cant respect me? Have them all being so happy for us? Its all completely fucked up.
The hurt I have experienced is second-to-none. I must truly disrespect and think so low of myself to have
kept trying, but this is to be no more. I was already vulnerable when we met, and this has just destroyed me,
but it is also my own fault for allowing it.
Now I said that I got a telephone call and I needed to talk to you about it ”“ it was important, and something
that was difficult for mne. And I have heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. This makes me fuming angry and
hate you. Hate you, hate you ”“ the behavior typical of you when you are acting like a bastard. I said to you
you have enemies ”“ and they are my family. I have had a tough time with them, over my continuing contact
with you, but they only have my best interests at heart. You see, by hurting me, you have also hurt them.
They also really liked you, and are shocked by what has happened and how you have treated me.
Now ”“ I wanted us to work, and I wanted to take you to the wedding still. So I needed to talk to you about
that, before I talked to them, if you were still willing to come. Unfortunately they beat me to it ”“ they saw
that I had been to ýour home town (pictures on flickr) and called me up, very angry and upset. They seem to hate
you R ”“ I feel so much anger and hatred coming from them, for what you have done, hurt and
destroyed their daughter/sister, and they are completely against even hearing that I speak to you.
This really really really hurts. Can you understand this? I have tried speaking with them, reasoning, making
excuses for you is really what it is, but the only person I think that could put this right now is you, or the two
of us together. But are they not right?
This is all hypothetical anyway ”“ because it is so obvious you do not love me, do not want me, and do not
even respect me. I don’t think you ever really have, deep down inside.
I think you should just stick to meeting girls on the internet and webcam chats and sex and whatever else you
do. I know you are doing it ”“ I saw something on your computer, date 4 chat or something, came across that
by accident. I think that one night stands are more you, than pretending to be in a relationship, because you
will never be able to love anyone, when you have never loved yourself.
Please do not reply to this letter ”“ there is nothing to talk about, you had your chance to talk and you ignored
me. As usual.
At least one of us can go away with a clean conscience ”“ my intentions have never been anything but good
and focused on you and us.
I do not understand your mindset R, but I think it is very f****** up. It is a shame for your family
about us. Your cousins told me how much your parents are fond of me, how much more stable you became
after meeting me, and your cousins want us to be together, and Ive heard also from (your daughters mother) many times over
how happy A was when I arrived in your life.
But I cannot stay with you to keep you on the straight and narrow for bad treatment in return. I am not going
to be that woman who loves too much anymore.

Your ex — “

Ox Drover

That’s proof that they do not get it, and we can only “get it” by NOT TRYING TO GET IT any more, and accepting that they ARE TOXIC and we can only protect ourselves.

I wrote 100-1000? letters I never mailed each one as worthless as the next in trying to get them to SEEs, to get it, to love me, to change—-not gonna happen. I finally deleted them off my computer–no sense keeping them any more becauser now I DO GET IT. NC is the only way! NC FOREVER! P-FREE FOREVER.

Rosa

Ox Drover:

“NC is the only way!”

I think that is the bottom line when dealing with these “Black Magicians”.

I think No Contact is very powerful, and it drives disordered personalities absolutely CRAZY.

As diverse as everyone’s backgrounds and philosophies are on this site, the one piece of advice that we all pretty much agree on is the NO Contact rule.
It’s sort of universal.
Of course, there are always exceptions when dealing with marraiges and child custody situations, but we still all agree on the No Contact rule most of the time.

I consider it a huge red flag whenever someone starts mocking, criticizing, or trying to convince us that No Contact does not really work.

erin1972

I like this article. I started embracing myself recently and my “singleness” and it is working out so well for me. I am really appreciating myself and what I have going on. I have a lot of great stuff going on. I love it that I started exercising out in the hot sun and humidity. I am getting back into all the things that I like. I’m working toward getting the dream job back. I’ve realized that I am plenty enough all on my own and I don’t need someone else to “complete” me. I’m pretty complete already. The anger is fading so much that it’s completely gone and when it sneaks in, it’s easier to make it go away. I am really excited about the summer.

Next month I have 6 DAYS OFF WORK to do whatever the hell I want and I’m so excited-sleeping late,tons of great workouts,the shooting range,biking getting massages and my hair done-can’t wait. Also planning a trip to NYC in December with my stepmom because I’ve never been. I am going to enjoy myself the rest of the year while I work towards getting the job! Yay!

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