Seven steps to healing the lovesick heart.
We’ve all had them. Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong. The sense of loss. Of abandonment. Of feeling devalued and discarded. Of being ”˜less than’ the light of love in our lover’s eyes. We’ve all had them and sometimes, those feelings linger for longer than is healthy for us to reclaim our sense of self-worth, of beauty, of joy in our essence of being alive.
EMBRACE yourself. You’ve got all you need to hold onto
is a seven step process that guides you through letting go of the love that was (and will never be again) into loving what is and will always be within you. You. Whole and complete. Living the 3Ms of self-eMPOWERED YOU! Magnificent! Miraculous! Marvelous!
EMBRACE:
Engage your heart. Still your mind.
Mindfully watch your words and actions.
Be honest with yourself.
Reacquaint yourself with you.
Allow yourself forgiveness.
Celebrate yourself.
Explore your world.
1. Engage your heart by stilling your mind. Meditate. Walk. Do something to get out of your thinking telling you your heart is broken. It isn’t. It’s just hurting because your breathing and thinking is tied up in thoughts of what he did to hurt you. It wasn’t about you. It was always about him.
In your meditation whisper:
Like me, he is seeking to be loved and this is the only way he knows how.
Like me, he has experienced pain, sorrow, and sadness and is looking for a way to avoid feeling them again.
Like me, he only knows this way he is choosing to behave.
And if you can say nothing else, repeat a hundred x ten times a day: I forgive him. I release him.
2. Mindfully watch everything you do and say. Become conscious of your choices knowing that they are always a reflection of your thinking and your thinking will always create how you are feeling and your experience in this moment.
Ask yourself — what do I want to feel in this moment? What is my intention for the day? Tell yourself you are capable of having what you want by reminding yourself what you’re capable of”¦
I wish to feel peace.
I want to feel peace.
I can feel peace.
I choose to be at peace in this moment now. In my choosing peace in this moment, I create the path for peace to appear in the next moment and the next and the next. I am the source of my thinking, my feelings, my actions and I choose to be responsible for my choices.
3. Be honest with yourself. Your healing will only progress to the degree that you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.
His actions were never about you. His actions, words, what he did were always about him.
You do not matter to him. He was not ”˜out to get you’. He was out to get what he wanted to make his life have meaning.
It wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to hurt you. He set out to protect himself. He set out with the belief that ”˜you’ were a way for him to feel good about himself. You couldn’t be his way to feeling good about himself. You are not that powerful. Making him feel good about himself is not your job. Feeling good about yourself is your job. It is your responsibility. You get to choose how you feel about yourself. Be honest — are your choices making you feel better about yourself or worse? Is your thinking giving you what you want or is it taking from you what you need to Love yourself exactly the way you are?
4. Reacquaint yourself with you — remind yourself about who you were before he came into your life. Remember the things you did that said — I am a magnificent human being.
Did you used to volunteer at a hospital? At a homeless shelter? Did you used to do things that created value in your life, that created value in the world around you? Remind yourself of your power to do things that make a difference. If you could do those things then, you can do those things now. Let go of ”˜used to’ and get doing. Remind yourself of those things. You need to get moving. Get doing. Get being who you believe yourself to be. Who you say you are. Do them now. Do them again and again. Get involved and get into action.
5. Allow yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive anyone and anything who ever hurt you.
Holding onto pockets of unforgiveness limits your experience of your life free of his abuse. Forgive him. Remember, it wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to destroy you. He was just doing what he does and you happened to be in his path. He has since, ”˜gotten over you’. He is off doing what he does in someone else’s life. What’s in it for you to hold onto his bad behavior after he’s gone? Forgive him. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know this would happen. You didn’t know you would be so hurt. So broken. So sad. And it’s okay. Forgive yourself and breathe into forgiveness all the loving kindness you possess.
6. Celebrate everything about you. Celebrate your magnificence. Your brilliance. Your light — even when the voices inside would tell you you’re not — celebrate yourself for all you’re worth! You are worth living it up for. Take yourself out on a date. Do something fun and whacky. Go to the zoo. Go bungee jumping. Take dance lessons. Learn a new skill. Celebrate everything about you in everything you do.
7. Explore life. Life isn’t about searching for the right answers, or the perfect you. Life is in the experience of living it. It’s about exploring your beliefs, what beliefs you want to hold onto and those you need to let go of because they’re not working for you any more. If believing he hurt you causes you pain, let go of the belief. If thinking of him makes you sad, explore new thoughts.
Life is in discovering where you’re at is exactly where you are meant to be. Explore this place you’re at right now. Explore your perimeters., Explore your life beyond this place where you find yourself caught up in living small, living less than your dreams.
Get up. Get moving. Quit talking about him. Quit explaining to yourself and anyone who will listen why what he did was so wrong. Wrong or right, it is what he did and all the explanations in the world will never make sense of his nonsense — so give it up. Let it go. Engage yourself in your life. Engage yourself in shining so bright upon your path the whole world lights up around you.
EMBRACE what is. And, if the thought it should be some other way interferes, embrace it and love it to death, or at least until it doesn’t hurt you any more to believe it should be some other way. It isn’t. It can’t be. Embrace what is, love yourself as you are and let yourself go to that place where you are free to explore and experience life on your terms. Free to love fearlessly. To live with abandon. To dance in the rain and run naked through wildflower strewn meadows. It is, and always has been, your choice to embrace what is and live it up for all you’re worth!
Are you willing to do it? It is your life. No one else can live it for you.
Thank you for sharing. To be honest, you lost me right when you said: forgive him. No, there are ways of forgiving self and releasing “them” but forgiveness is only for those who seek it, who realize how wrong they were and who feel – something, anything at all, besides self – righteous anger and a sense that the whole world owes them something for the creation that IT (P) is. In fact, I think the Betrayal Bond explicitly said forgiveness isn’t necessary for healing, and I really believe that. It is when I feel like forgiving him and what was done onto me and onto my family that I know I am not doing so well. There are certainly evil things in this world – to never be forgiven and to never be forgotten. Forgiveness is different than acceptance that something terribly wrong happened to you, that you became a victim in a time of peace, and – at best, someone’s sick “joke”.
Also, perhaps, “They are not all out to get us” but somehow I find that wrong when I learn my exP’s ways. Mine always goes after power women and ends up bringing them to their knees. It is SO personal with him. His mother was a power woman. I think he had never lived up to her expectations somehow, so he’s learned to pay back with every next victim. And – it would be almost forgivable had he sought treatment, realized the harm he caused to hundreds (literally) and changed his ways. Exploring, embracing, celebrating – I am all about this type of healing. But, there will always remain the appreciation for a new world, the world I did not know existed – the world of pure evil, lies, pathology and pretense. He is NOT like me, never was and never will be. Sorry if I am a bit harsh. Did not mean to offend anyone. Just wanted to reflect some of my own feelings for conversation sake.
This really does read like a prescription for how to relate to yourself to deal with ‘Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong.’
BUT, as i said to someone who said that it was too bad that i had had a ‘bad relationship’, ‘THIS WAS NOT A BAD RELATIONSHIP, I WAS CONNED BY A SOCIOPATH.’
Although there are some very good ideas in this article, the tone of it and the suggestions en total do not ring true to the experience of how to heal from a ppath; it sounds like it could have come out of Cosmo, directed at a very different audience.
The whole section of things to whisper to oneself in ‘engage’ is offensive to me. I really doubt that she was trying to love me, ‘but just doesn’t know how.’ and repeating the suggested lines about a ppath would only serve to make one believe that they were dealing with a person with conscience and THAT is a form of whitewashing denial – a VERY bad idea. This is the exact opposite of how meditation is used – it should be used to see what is, not to convince ourselves of what isn’t.
Hello GettingIt — You are not harsh and you do not offend — you are being read and honest — which is powerful. Thank you for engaging in the conversation.
I understand what you are saying — we all must do what feels best for us.
When I forgave him, I chose to forgive without listing what he had done — I simply chose to say, I forgive you. I release you — so that I could be free to heal. I couldn’t change what he had done. I could change its impact on my life today.
With the sociopath no longer in my life, it was very ‘personal’ for him, but it was not about ‘me’. Not me the human being — it was only about me the target who could give him what he wanted. I wasn’t ‘personal’ to him. I was supply — a fridge whose door he opened whenever he needed feeding. and for that I forgive him — he was only doing what he knew how to do. doesn’t make it acceptable in my life. It wasn’t.
Ultimately, cats meow. Dogs bark and sociopaths do what they do because it’s who they are. And that is not about me.
I believe we all deserve to be free of the pain and horror of their passing through our lives and the only way I know how to do that is to claim my right to live joyously in the now by letting go of what he did and falling in love with who I am today.
Nameste.
Hello One Step — for me, the way to living joyously is on the path of compassion. He harmed me. He hurt me. He did a whole bunch of things that were wrong — and he was never in control of ‘himself’ because he was doing what he did out of some deep driving force that motivates him to do what he does — and that includes hurting people.
I could sit and say — he is not human — but the reality is, he is human. I may not like what he does, or what he represents, but he did ‘want’ the things I wanted (at least in some form that suited his worldview) — his path was to hurt people to get it.
My path is to view my world through eyes of compassion — I do not own the sociopath. Do not own his behaviour — what I do own is my right to create my experience today. we all do.
And for me, these steps have worked beautifully in healing from that experience. I can look at ‘him’ (which is only in my mind’s eye and very infrequently) and say — Like me, he was seeking to avoid pain — and feel compassion.
Or, I could hold onto the thought — he doesn’t deserve compassion. Doesn’t deserve forgiveness — and then create rigidity in my thinking. Which harms me — not him. He couldn’t care less what I’m thinking or doing or being.
I care about me. About what I’m thinking and doing. And for me — thinking compassionate thoughts is far healthier and healing than holding onto thoughts of anger and unforgiveness.
What else could I feel for a caged animal but compassion? For caged he is — and I am free.
I have the awareness to step out of limiting beliefs, comfort zones and cages.
He doesn’t.
I can send thoughts of compassion towards him when my thinking fixates on him — and set myself free to continue to be the loving and compassionate woman I am.
If I only send thoughts of anger and disgust towards him, then I am filling myself with thoughts of anger and disgust — and I don’t want those kinds of thoughts in my life. They muddy up my world.
It has been seven years since he was arrested — and in that seven years, my life has grown more beautiful everyday — and these were the steps I used to live this one wild and precious life passionately in love with all I am, free to be me.
Thank you for engaging in the conversation as well. We create hope when we share our experiences and our truth with open hearts and minds.
Nameste.
It is more than a year and I can’t get him over my mind. I’m tired! I just heard that he has a new girlfriend and they are so happy planning to buy a house and live together and this was just the trigger for me to start thinking about him again. I was even thinking that maybe she is lucky because she found him on his mellow stage (he is going 40 years old this year) and probably he is going to love and treat her better than he treated me. Maybe he is a better “sociopath” now” Can you believe I am thinking like that after everything I went through? How can I forgive if I still think he wreck my life and made me waist nine years of my life? I don’t want to see or hear that he is happy, all I want is for him to have a bad time and suffer the same way I am now. How can I forgive if all I think is just the worst moments I spend with this man, the humiliations and verbal abuse, the manipulations, lies and cheating? Sometimes I hate myself for even spend time thinking about this man. I can’t understand! I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND MYSELF”Is it because I feel that I am the loser because I didn’t find a boyfriend and moved on with my life and he is already happy and in another relationship? I really and truly would like to find the strength to forgive him but I find it so difficult, it is easy said than done.
Beautiful thoughts for moving forward and embracing a NEW more positive life. I too struggle with the word FORGIVE. I think in The Christian sense we take the word to mean now pure and without blame. I think in the sense of dealing with the Sociopath, we need to change the meaning of the word to more of a release, finding it less personal like a snake that bites. We don’t blame the snake for doing its thing though we loathe the pain it causes. It is very personal to us. It is not personal to them. Delete you. Replace you. Repeat cycle. Over and over again. They don’t find true love and become wonderful with another. I think that what pains us the most is the false believe that we aren’t worthy but someone else is. Not true. They find the next victim to use until they get bored or there is nothing left to take from them. We struggle while they move on unencumbered by their deeds. This article is about releasing them to the fate of the world and delighting in a world where we can have all the things they can’t, Real love, Real joy, Real peace, Real love of life, and Real healing:)
I had a dream last night. In my dream I woke up in a hovel of a house I lived in when I was about 18, first married, and I had one small child, pregnant with my next. I had the feeling that I had spent the night with my last spath, and I looked around the house tell I found him, asleep in another room. I thought, Oh hell. How did I get back here again?
He woke up, and came into the living room with a suit-case and a pile of folded clothes. I jumped on him and pushed him back on the sofa, held him down and said, “oh no. You will not leave me like this again, and you will hear me this time. Then I guess my common sense kicked in, and I continued saying, “although I know you can’t hear me because You’re not equiped to hear me.” But then I said, “this is so typicle of you. Find me in a better place where I’m safe and happy, take me back to a place of misery and dependance, and over the course of 24 hrs you leave me there.”
That’s when I woke up, and when I took a look at this dream, I realized that it was myself I should have been talking to, since he was not equiped. Upon furthat reflection, I realized the house was a state of mind, and represented emotional dependancy, a place of fear and insecurity…a place I re-enter when I become attached to a relationship, and especially the last one with spath who left me everytime the bottom fell out, and returned when I’d put it back together.
It represented a cycle that I have been repeating since I was 18…
Yes he was spath. Yes I have blamed him and blamed him. I have spent an enormous amount of energy hating him…I have had revenge fantasys and harbored ill-will.
Now the only revenge I expect is that he is still living in his soulless hell.
M. I, too try to live by the phylosophy that we are all just growing up and learning each day, that we all desire love, but that some of us are just less able, and it does help us forgive.
I have come to the conclusion that to hang on to a great deal of resentment is to allow them to continue to own us, manipulate us, and destroy our lives.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we’re saying what they did was okay…I think we can still be adament that it wasn’t. But I think it’s the place we are when we really let go, and get back to living our own lives on our own termsa and being true to ourselves.
It’s where we finally end the obsession.
I can see where some may have a problem with this whole concept. I feel it just means you are not to this point in your healing. This is more the feeling you get when you are at “the end”, though you will never be completely free of it, but it is the knowledge, power and strength you will take with you on the next leg of your journey. We have been victimized, traumatized, betrayed, disrespected, disappointed. But you will one day move on. You have to. You will realize that by staying down, you are giving up your power to control your own life and outcomes. I just watched Seven the other night, and felt like Brad Pitt pointing the gun at Kevin Spacey. Wanting to kill him, debating with himself momentarily as Morgan Freeman says “Don’t do it, if you do, he wins”.
When healing comes, it is like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I have only been free of my S for about 5 months, but I have been through a lot in my 47 years, and thankfully, had somewhat of a foundation to fall back on. He did break me down to a point I thought I would not recover from. I told him he would haunt me for a long time, but even though I can not go days without thinking of him, more like hours, I have reached the point where my thinking has evolved to #3. Having read The Four Agreements last year put me in a better mindset to understand this. When I feel myself backsliding, I remember some of his last words to me….You are a lot stronger than I am.
I hold onto that.
You will make it.
Changed, Yes it is hard and doesn’t happen over night. It’s a process. It’s okay to be angry and confused…It’s all part of it, and it’s not always straight forward either. One day we feel we’re making progress and the next we’re madder than a wet hen. Willing ourselves into forgiveness doesn’t work either. We don’t “should” on ourselves. Acceptance means self acceptance and accepting where we are as a part of the process. I think we can keep an eye to where we eventually want to be, though, and try to stay open minded about how we will get there.
Also, your X’s new relationship is nothing but a repitition with a mask on. That mask just hasn’t slipped yet, as it surely will, so do not dispair….she got the same guy you had, and you outgrew. If she’s lucky, she’ll out grow him, too, and he’ll end up the same sorry guy, only older with less possibilitys of getting his needs met. He won’t change, but we can and do.
My thought are with you in your healing.
This is an awesome and powerful post with gentle words that are tempered with strength and courage!
Gripping bitterness with both hands becomes such a tedious task. Yes, there were many, many times that I wanted everyone to know what a vile thing the ex spath was. To what good? Would anyone actually believe the truths? How could someone do those things and not be obvious?
The “forgiveness” began solely with me – my Self – my soul. I forgave myself for choosing him. I forgave myself for allowing his coersions. I had to do this for ME, or I’d keep slipping down the inside of that toilette bowl of misery. The sides are slick and there’s nothing to grab onto! It was a real and TRUE fight to forgive myself, and I didn’t really want to release that bitterness – it had become so comfortable because it presented no challenges or risks. I felt that cloak of bitterness kept me warm, even though it was full of holes and in tatters. Forgiving the ex spath for his illness came in small bits – nobody would choose to be without a soul. I echo the idea that forgiveness doesn’t ALLOW the damage, but it allowed me to move forward on my healing path. It just happened. It wasn’t conscious, and it surely wasn’t something that I wanted to do! I wanted to hate that creature for the rest of my natural life!
I was angry when the ex spath kicked the bucket. I was furious. I had never taken the opportunity to tell it of the damage that it had inflicted upon so many people. Then, I grieved for what SHOULD have been. Finally, it’s gone. The rage, the anger, the fear – all gone. It can’t harm anyone else. Sure, the memories remain, but that’s all they are: memories. The past can’t hurt me, anymore, if I don’t allow it. Wherever the ex spath is, it’s no longer with me and that’s the brightest blessing I can imagine. The aftermath remains, and this is just one of those things that I can choose to slog through or stop and sink into. Throw me that line, because I’m valuable! I’m excited to greet every new day! I have a joy of life, finally, that has been missing for nearly 25 years!
It’s a day of celebration for each and every one of us. We are all alive. We all have the opportunity to crinkle up our faces and laugh with honest and joyous abandon! We all, for this ONE moment, can feel peace because we are moving further and further away from a poison that would surely kill us emotionally, if not physically. Today, we live. Today, we have the chance to do something positive and productive. Today, we are not enslaved. Today…….even if it’s JUST FOR today, or just for the next hour, or just for the next 5 minutes, we are safe and we are each healing.
Thank you so, so much for this article!