Seven steps to healing the lovesick heart.
We’ve all had them. Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong. The sense of loss. Of abandonment. Of feeling devalued and discarded. Of being ”˜less than’ the light of love in our lover’s eyes. We’ve all had them and sometimes, those feelings linger for longer than is healthy for us to reclaim our sense of self-worth, of beauty, of joy in our essence of being alive.
EMBRACE yourself. You’ve got all you need to hold onto
is a seven step process that guides you through letting go of the love that was (and will never be again) into loving what is and will always be within you. You. Whole and complete. Living the 3Ms of self-eMPOWERED YOU! Magnificent! Miraculous! Marvelous!
EMBRACE:
Engage your heart. Still your mind.
Mindfully watch your words and actions.
Be honest with yourself.
Reacquaint yourself with you.
Allow yourself forgiveness.
Celebrate yourself.
Explore your world.
1. Engage your heart by stilling your mind. Meditate. Walk. Do something to get out of your thinking telling you your heart is broken. It isn’t. It’s just hurting because your breathing and thinking is tied up in thoughts of what he did to hurt you. It wasn’t about you. It was always about him.
In your meditation whisper:
Like me, he is seeking to be loved and this is the only way he knows how.
Like me, he has experienced pain, sorrow, and sadness and is looking for a way to avoid feeling them again.
Like me, he only knows this way he is choosing to behave.
And if you can say nothing else, repeat a hundred x ten times a day: I forgive him. I release him.
2. Mindfully watch everything you do and say. Become conscious of your choices knowing that they are always a reflection of your thinking and your thinking will always create how you are feeling and your experience in this moment.
Ask yourself — what do I want to feel in this moment? What is my intention for the day? Tell yourself you are capable of having what you want by reminding yourself what you’re capable of”¦
I wish to feel peace.
I want to feel peace.
I can feel peace.
I choose to be at peace in this moment now. In my choosing peace in this moment, I create the path for peace to appear in the next moment and the next and the next. I am the source of my thinking, my feelings, my actions and I choose to be responsible for my choices.
3. Be honest with yourself. Your healing will only progress to the degree that you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.
His actions were never about you. His actions, words, what he did were always about him.
You do not matter to him. He was not ”˜out to get you’. He was out to get what he wanted to make his life have meaning.
It wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to hurt you. He set out to protect himself. He set out with the belief that ”˜you’ were a way for him to feel good about himself. You couldn’t be his way to feeling good about himself. You are not that powerful. Making him feel good about himself is not your job. Feeling good about yourself is your job. It is your responsibility. You get to choose how you feel about yourself. Be honest — are your choices making you feel better about yourself or worse? Is your thinking giving you what you want or is it taking from you what you need to Love yourself exactly the way you are?
4. Reacquaint yourself with you — remind yourself about who you were before he came into your life. Remember the things you did that said — I am a magnificent human being.
Did you used to volunteer at a hospital? At a homeless shelter? Did you used to do things that created value in your life, that created value in the world around you? Remind yourself of your power to do things that make a difference. If you could do those things then, you can do those things now. Let go of ”˜used to’ and get doing. Remind yourself of those things. You need to get moving. Get doing. Get being who you believe yourself to be. Who you say you are. Do them now. Do them again and again. Get involved and get into action.
5. Allow yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive anyone and anything who ever hurt you.
Holding onto pockets of unforgiveness limits your experience of your life free of his abuse. Forgive him. Remember, it wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to destroy you. He was just doing what he does and you happened to be in his path. He has since, ”˜gotten over you’. He is off doing what he does in someone else’s life. What’s in it for you to hold onto his bad behavior after he’s gone? Forgive him. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know this would happen. You didn’t know you would be so hurt. So broken. So sad. And it’s okay. Forgive yourself and breathe into forgiveness all the loving kindness you possess.
6. Celebrate everything about you. Celebrate your magnificence. Your brilliance. Your light — even when the voices inside would tell you you’re not — celebrate yourself for all you’re worth! You are worth living it up for. Take yourself out on a date. Do something fun and whacky. Go to the zoo. Go bungee jumping. Take dance lessons. Learn a new skill. Celebrate everything about you in everything you do.
7. Explore life. Life isn’t about searching for the right answers, or the perfect you. Life is in the experience of living it. It’s about exploring your beliefs, what beliefs you want to hold onto and those you need to let go of because they’re not working for you any more. If believing he hurt you causes you pain, let go of the belief. If thinking of him makes you sad, explore new thoughts.
Life is in discovering where you’re at is exactly where you are meant to be. Explore this place you’re at right now. Explore your perimeters., Explore your life beyond this place where you find yourself caught up in living small, living less than your dreams.
Get up. Get moving. Quit talking about him. Quit explaining to yourself and anyone who will listen why what he did was so wrong. Wrong or right, it is what he did and all the explanations in the world will never make sense of his nonsense — so give it up. Let it go. Engage yourself in your life. Engage yourself in shining so bright upon your path the whole world lights up around you.
EMBRACE what is. And, if the thought it should be some other way interferes, embrace it and love it to death, or at least until it doesn’t hurt you any more to believe it should be some other way. It isn’t. It can’t be. Embrace what is, love yourself as you are and let yourself go to that place where you are free to explore and experience life on your terms. Free to love fearlessly. To live with abandon. To dance in the rain and run naked through wildflower strewn meadows. It is, and always has been, your choice to embrace what is and live it up for all you’re worth!
Are you willing to do it? It is your life. No one else can live it for you.
EB, Buttons, ONE, OX
You all gave me great advice and I am grateful. The solution I come to is that I am going to arrange to store it and pay for storage through the end of the month when he gets out.
He can have his stuff. There isn’t much and I don’t know who his friends are. I’ll even arrange to mail his wallet and change of clothes to the prison. But I won’t break NO CONTACT. It can be handled by the attorneys. His will have to get permission to sign for the storage account and billing in his name. If he doesn’t retrieve it by the end of the month in which he is due to be released, its not my problem. How he gets here from there is not my problem either.
I want to make a classy exit such that there is no reason for him to try and follow me where I am going and looking for his stuff would be a provocation to come or send people looking.
And to recover what it cost me and what he cost me and damages for the suffering, I am going to sue him. And I am going to recover the loss. I know how. I know I can.
In order to do that, I am going to have a different attorney……
That may cause some problems for him, but honestly, he should not have lied to me nor made the false promises now should he?
Therefore it is not my problem if he has additional consequences to making things right by me. I understand those consequences may be invoked by powers with much bigger teeth than I have……
Dear Silvermoon,
I think your plan for his “stuff” is a good one.
I think your plan to SUE HIM is self defeating and is going to COST you in terms of emotional “cash” 10,000 times more than any money that you MIGHT EVEN GET. Getting money (even child support etc) out of a psychopath is like PISSING INTO THE WIND, it all comes back in your face.
In order to sue him, you will (A) have to spend money up front for an attorney—a lot of money (B) he will be entitled to a deposition, in which case he and his attorney ask you questions FACE TO FACE under penalty of purjury. I’ve been indepositions and believe me THEY CAN BE BRUTAL. (c) the chances of him allowing you to get a DOLLAR are between zero and less than zero. I found that out with several times I have sued crooks (P’s) for money they bilked me out of. I got a JUDGMENT but never any actual money.
It takes time, trouble and ENERGY that you, I think, in my opinion, could better use to build up your life instead of trying to get “justice.” out of him. It is the old “trying to get blood out of a turnip”
I UNDERSTAND the need to “make him pay” but the COST is going to come out of YOUR blood. Think about this before you embark on this quest for the “holy grail” of justice, it is just a MYTH 99.9999999% of the time. (((Hugs))))
If you ‘declare’ war…..do it from the getgo and dont let it cost you any money.
Take the upper hand right away……and let all the decisions be YOURS.
Don’t worry about appearing apeasing or ‘classy’….or whatever……your in protect yourself mode…..do whatever you choose for YOU….
If you can’t pay your utilites or other bills…..DON”T PAY FOR HIS SHIAT IN STORAGE!!!!! Don’t pay for attorneis ot deal with this situation……it’ will only keep costing you money!!!
Don’t feel obligated……don’t think it will make a difference either way!
He won’t like being sued….especially by you, and especially right out of prison……and you’ll have to find him AND keep track of him for garnishments of assets/wages/ whatever……
That’s the part that will piss him off.
And remember……you can’t control how he will react in any situation,…….DO WHAT”S BEST FOR YOU!!!!
I support your decisions….your a smart woman!
Well Ox, these are sober thoughts for sure.
I know if I get the judgment, its out of his hands.
But the question about how much it costs, how much about my new world would have to be revealed and whether or not it makes practical sense is a real question.
I don’t have to do anything rash. I just have to make life work.
Before anything, I have to get the damn annulment done. And then deal with his stuff.
And then go cross country.
Life these days is a special kind of hell that I just keep saying to myself is about to change. Not that it will immediately be better, but ultimately it will and that, is enough to count on.
Thanks.
Silver:
It does change….and you will be way happier on the ‘other side’.
I still have remorse for ‘things’…..and wish it could have been different……the way I wanted it, the way I worked and hoped for…..
But ya know what…..it isn’t…..and where I am at today….is WAY better. I am way smarter, wiser, aware, protective and savvy………and a WAY BIATCH when i need to stand up for me or kids…….
I like the ‘new’ me……
and I like the evolution I have taken…….wouldn’t have ‘chosen’ it…..it would have scared the shiat out of me……but each day is new….and the path I’m on, although i have no idea where i’m going……it a real good journey!!!!
Bring it on Baby!!!! your right behind me……
EB,
I don’t want a war- that will require me to participate. Good point.
My plan is just to walk away. No invitation for him to follow. He goes his merry way. No reason to be in contact with me for anything.
Maybe suing him won’t work. It would be the declaration to a war unending and it could get brutal because the consequences I’d provoke would not be nice.
Maybe best to let it go. Get his stuff somewhere and go.
If he doesn’t exactly know where I am and there is no reason to look me up, that is the best.
I will be far enough away he’d have to work at getting to where I am because he can’t fly there and he will need a job etc to get to where he could afford to drive.
So time, I guess, is on my side and who knows if he charmed his wife again. Or some other woman. By now, I sure he’s done one the other or both and I am for all intents forgotten except for his stuff.
I can make this happen. I don’t like the idea of spending the money, but I embrace with less enthusiasm the idea he’d show up one day looking for his ipod….
Storing his stuff is cheaper than getting put in a position to rebuy it and I don’t have time to parcel it out and go through all that.
Dear Silver,
Darling, getting out to some life beyond where he is, and then making a NEW LIFE FOR YOU is the name of the game!
Yea, it would be lovely to make him pay, but remember the old adage of “let sleeping dogs lie?” If he will leave you alone, it doesn’t matter, nothing else really matters.
Unfortunately many times they DON’T let you alone, but they do keep trying to get back with you, to hook you in again. Making it difficult or expensive for him to follow you or know where you are is the BEST defense.
Don’t let any casual acquaintences know where you are. No idea which direction you have gone. Don’t make it easy for him.
Also, start using your maiden name and your middle first name rather than what you have always been “called.” Or legally change your name in another state. If you change it get a really common name, “Janie Jones” to make it more difficult for him. Don’t put your utilities in your old name, even if you have to put up a deposit and say “I never had them in my name before” you will eventually get your deposit back.
At your new place, try to keep as much personal information to yourself as possible. Get a PO box for your mail and have someone else pick the mail up so no one can follow you to where you are. Drive a vechicle that is not flashy or memorable old cars do not have built in GPS units.
Use cash not credit cards, and money orders to send money to pay bills, not a checking account. Use your intitials like “F. A. Jones on all accounts. Use a pay per go cell phone and trade it in every few months. They can be bought for $20 at a walmart and minutes put on them as you need.
Give yourself a “nick name” like “Snooky” and have all your new friends and co workers know you by that nick name instead of even your middle name. So now you are F. A. Jones (for Francis Ann Jones on all your accounts) but you “go by” ” Snooky” to your friends. You pay cash or M.O. for everything you can and lay low for a couple of years until you start to get your head back on straight.
Make sure that ANYONE who knows where “snooky” is only knows the PO box (which is in another nearby small town from where you actually live). It isn’t all that hard to disappear unless you are hiding out from the LAW which you are NOT.
Anyone can find anyone with enough MONEY and interest, but that’s the point, make it hard and expensive, not easy and cheap. Don’t be paranoid, just CAUTIOUS! (((Hugs)))))
I suggest you get REAL clear on what your legal rights are in regards to his things……
And to sue you….he’s gotta find you too! As you know….it’s harder than we thought.
Then make your decision when your clear on your rights and boundaries.
Inthe meantime…..dont’ waste thoughts or worries about any of it.
Oxy……hmmmmmm I smell a CIA background…..or Russian spy maybe.
Great advice.
I’m actually gonna wait a bit to change our names……at this point, i’m easy to find.
I also gonna put the houses in a trust…..and not my new name…..an ambiguous trust name….like……smokey jones trust.
I don’t have a po box, but i’ve contemplated it.
I have gone by my initials since seperation……not that it’s so sly…..but it also sounds like a name and sometimes people spell it out….like bejay.
(I also sometimes sign emails and catch myself…EB HA!!!!)
So….I hope snooky takes your advice or anyone else here that needs to be incognito.
I also may add…..when you do depart your town….for another destination, I’d start talking about moving to Costa Rica or a ‘made’ up city/country of your choice…..to throw people off……cuz if someone gives you up…..he’llbe looking in the wrong country. That’ll cause some discouragement and stall in his hunt!
Silver – you are on a different trail now. one that is about movement and self protection. i find it to be a scary trail; it’s the one i am on now. it’s excruciating for me. damn thing just seems to stretch and stretch and stretch….and some days i think it will never fucking end.
my hands/ body are still a mess. pain and not good, so this won’t be nearly as long as i would like it to be.
i went to see a ‘job coach’ today…part of a service at the employment agency i go to….i wanted to tape myself interviewing, becuase i need to get a read on how i present myself right now. the job coach, we’ll call him john, is a guy i hav emet before. really pleasant sort.
we talked for 2 hours. 45 minutes about the interview/ the job i have applied for, and the rest of it about p/s/n.
sigh.
he was an ex corrections officer working with sexually violent offenders. i just cracked open. told him lots of stuff. it messed with my head – i don’t go around telling strangers about my buisness; went over my boundaries. i am in so much physical pain; i am just a mess. i am worried that i will not be able to work, even if i find a job. that my memory is impaired and my multi tasking ability is shot; that the damn place will set off my very severe and incapacitating allergies. and all of this came tumbling out of my mouth. and all about the ppath. well, not ALL, but damn close.
john has been damaged by his time in corrections. he understood most of what i said. he ‘stayed with me’ every step of the way. he didn’t check out , didn’t flinch, laughed appropriately in all the gruesome places. i won’t go into the all of what he shared with me of his experiences, because i feel that would be breaking confidences…but this all had a profound affect on me.
god, i need to be held. and i need the pain to stop. i am going out of my mind with it. i wish i could go away for a couple of days. someplace quiet and clean and healing. i need the pain to stop. i am going to talk to some folks tomorrow about what has happened in the last 2 weeks. if i take a deep breath in, at the moment before i exhale my nerves are rattled all way down my arms and outer legs…pain. as george carlin say, f***, meow!.
OXY – i love your post just above. the advice, so clear, so calculating. i love that you have exit plans. god, i wish i could get my head str8t enough to finish mine. but it isn’t and it isn’t.
god bless.
one step