Seven steps to healing the lovesick heart.
We’ve all had them. Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong. The sense of loss. Of abandonment. Of feeling devalued and discarded. Of being ”˜less than’ the light of love in our lover’s eyes. We’ve all had them and sometimes, those feelings linger for longer than is healthy for us to reclaim our sense of self-worth, of beauty, of joy in our essence of being alive.
EMBRACE yourself. You’ve got all you need to hold onto
is a seven step process that guides you through letting go of the love that was (and will never be again) into loving what is and will always be within you. You. Whole and complete. Living the 3Ms of self-eMPOWERED YOU! Magnificent! Miraculous! Marvelous!
EMBRACE:
Engage your heart. Still your mind.
Mindfully watch your words and actions.
Be honest with yourself.
Reacquaint yourself with you.
Allow yourself forgiveness.
Celebrate yourself.
Explore your world.
1. Engage your heart by stilling your mind. Meditate. Walk. Do something to get out of your thinking telling you your heart is broken. It isn’t. It’s just hurting because your breathing and thinking is tied up in thoughts of what he did to hurt you. It wasn’t about you. It was always about him.
In your meditation whisper:
Like me, he is seeking to be loved and this is the only way he knows how.
Like me, he has experienced pain, sorrow, and sadness and is looking for a way to avoid feeling them again.
Like me, he only knows this way he is choosing to behave.
And if you can say nothing else, repeat a hundred x ten times a day: I forgive him. I release him.
2. Mindfully watch everything you do and say. Become conscious of your choices knowing that they are always a reflection of your thinking and your thinking will always create how you are feeling and your experience in this moment.
Ask yourself — what do I want to feel in this moment? What is my intention for the day? Tell yourself you are capable of having what you want by reminding yourself what you’re capable of”¦
I wish to feel peace.
I want to feel peace.
I can feel peace.
I choose to be at peace in this moment now. In my choosing peace in this moment, I create the path for peace to appear in the next moment and the next and the next. I am the source of my thinking, my feelings, my actions and I choose to be responsible for my choices.
3. Be honest with yourself. Your healing will only progress to the degree that you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.
His actions were never about you. His actions, words, what he did were always about him.
You do not matter to him. He was not ”˜out to get you’. He was out to get what he wanted to make his life have meaning.
It wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to hurt you. He set out to protect himself. He set out with the belief that ”˜you’ were a way for him to feel good about himself. You couldn’t be his way to feeling good about himself. You are not that powerful. Making him feel good about himself is not your job. Feeling good about yourself is your job. It is your responsibility. You get to choose how you feel about yourself. Be honest — are your choices making you feel better about yourself or worse? Is your thinking giving you what you want or is it taking from you what you need to Love yourself exactly the way you are?
4. Reacquaint yourself with you — remind yourself about who you were before he came into your life. Remember the things you did that said — I am a magnificent human being.
Did you used to volunteer at a hospital? At a homeless shelter? Did you used to do things that created value in your life, that created value in the world around you? Remind yourself of your power to do things that make a difference. If you could do those things then, you can do those things now. Let go of ”˜used to’ and get doing. Remind yourself of those things. You need to get moving. Get doing. Get being who you believe yourself to be. Who you say you are. Do them now. Do them again and again. Get involved and get into action.
5. Allow yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive anyone and anything who ever hurt you.
Holding onto pockets of unforgiveness limits your experience of your life free of his abuse. Forgive him. Remember, it wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to destroy you. He was just doing what he does and you happened to be in his path. He has since, ”˜gotten over you’. He is off doing what he does in someone else’s life. What’s in it for you to hold onto his bad behavior after he’s gone? Forgive him. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know this would happen. You didn’t know you would be so hurt. So broken. So sad. And it’s okay. Forgive yourself and breathe into forgiveness all the loving kindness you possess.
6. Celebrate everything about you. Celebrate your magnificence. Your brilliance. Your light — even when the voices inside would tell you you’re not — celebrate yourself for all you’re worth! You are worth living it up for. Take yourself out on a date. Do something fun and whacky. Go to the zoo. Go bungee jumping. Take dance lessons. Learn a new skill. Celebrate everything about you in everything you do.
7. Explore life. Life isn’t about searching for the right answers, or the perfect you. Life is in the experience of living it. It’s about exploring your beliefs, what beliefs you want to hold onto and those you need to let go of because they’re not working for you any more. If believing he hurt you causes you pain, let go of the belief. If thinking of him makes you sad, explore new thoughts.
Life is in discovering where you’re at is exactly where you are meant to be. Explore this place you’re at right now. Explore your perimeters., Explore your life beyond this place where you find yourself caught up in living small, living less than your dreams.
Get up. Get moving. Quit talking about him. Quit explaining to yourself and anyone who will listen why what he did was so wrong. Wrong or right, it is what he did and all the explanations in the world will never make sense of his nonsense — so give it up. Let it go. Engage yourself in your life. Engage yourself in shining so bright upon your path the whole world lights up around you.
EMBRACE what is. And, if the thought it should be some other way interferes, embrace it and love it to death, or at least until it doesn’t hurt you any more to believe it should be some other way. It isn’t. It can’t be. Embrace what is, love yourself as you are and let yourself go to that place where you are free to explore and experience life on your terms. Free to love fearlessly. To live with abandon. To dance in the rain and run naked through wildflower strewn meadows. It is, and always has been, your choice to embrace what is and live it up for all you’re worth!
Are you willing to do it? It is your life. No one else can live it for you.
It is so uncanny that this article came out today.
I found my recovery taking the “spiritual” path. I went to counselling to vent and talk it out…process what happenned.
Then I found the “inner peace” by doing exactly what M.L. Gallhager said….looking at the situation differently.
Instead of feeling hurt and anger toward him, I looked at him for what he truly is…damaged. And, immediately I felt better.
Why? Because the energy you put out…all day…boomerangs right back atcha!!! That is the law of the “universe”.
When you are positive, all positive happens. When you are angry…it comes back to you. I truly believe that ALL physical illnesses..(bar genetics), are from anger. There is research to back up this.
You cannot separate physical from emotional. When you are cold or scared…you shiver or shake. If we listen to our bodies, we can FEEL what is happenning. Gut feelings are there for a reason.
I had TERRIBLE anxiety attacks..panic attacks, after the first time I slept with my Xbf and I blamed it on hormones..etc.
My body was telling me that something wasn’t right.
My point is that last week, after getting texts and emails from my x bf….I REGRESSED back into the “little abused girl who was abandoned” and I was achey, sick, and tired all week.
I finally took ACTION…I forced myself to get back to the gym..my safe haven. I exercised my butt off…sweat, did weights….etc.
I IMMEDIATELY felt like a million dollars! Got back into positive mode..”Its all about ME now! Back to ME….”
And, all good came that day! A check in the mail..unexpected, good news from my attorney about my house…met a new girlfriend who just relocated here (was involved with a spath too!)….and I slept sososoo well.
I looked at the whole experience with myxhusb..ten yrs of abuse…and my xbf…two years of confusion…and I saw it in a new light. They are just disordered damaged men who really weren’t out to hurt me…they were just looking for someone to lift them up and love and adore them. They couldn’t do it. With their distrusting and paranoid minds….they destroyed anything good that comes their way. Pityful.
So, I feel positive about MY life now. My dealings with them were just SEGMENTS of my life that I will no longer dwell on.
It was what it was…..and in the long run…both triggered me to “heal”my “inner child”…to look deep within myself,….to look back at what happenned to me as a child to make me unhappy…..then..and now.
So, now I am REFOCUSING on ME ME ME. Forget HIM HIM HIM…I know what he is…he is not normal or good. He’s out of my life for GOOD.
He said he was “sorry” recently in a text…and my reaction was…”Yes, you ARE a sorry person. You never had the strength to overcome your abusive childhood. You are never happy…so you go around using and abusing and hurting people in your life….and I feel sorry for you too..because you are a sad case.”
At least I had the strength to go to counselling, and resolve my own abuse and rebuild into a strong peaceful person.
Thats what its all about….after all.
We come here ….are born to abusive families…and then we attract it over and over…until we get stompted on so low as an adult….then we either give up…or we DO THE WORK…to find our worth and value in life.
I found my worth. I raised 3 beautiful girls…all honor students..all happy….all confident. They are what I should have been..had I had a “normal” childhood.
And, no “damaged” person is worthy of my time, love, and energy.
So, I stay positive daily…knowing that life is short and I am CREATING a nice life for myself now…MINUS “damaged” people. I wrote off my two sisters and anyone who was just bringing me down, since I broke up with the xspath.
Everyday I send out blessings and love to these pathetic people…I can do that …because I am happy now. I won’t hate, hold onto anger,…..because I am not hurting anymore.
If I do….it only comes back to ME. Everyday is precious. We don’t know what comes next….accidents, diseases..losses.
So, I am going to FEEL good and all good things will come.
Since I got away from the x….I’ve had nothing but GOOD “luck”. I brought that luck to myself. I sent it out and had “faith” and it came back.
Where energy goes…energy flows.
Staying positive.
Buttons-
“nobody would choose to be without a soul.” So, so true. I think it is in The Sociopath Next Door where the author says it is akin to being born without fingers.
I love your analogy of the toilet bowl. The day to day struggle is like a game of chutes and ladders. But eventually you do win!
Dear Louise,
As alwlays a peace affirming piece on recovery!
Letting go of the ugly and embracing the beautifrul, opening our eyes and ears to the beauty, when the bitternest of emotions have blocked our sight and hearing.
Letting go of the wrath and rancor and embracing ourselvges, opens the world to a new beauty that we cannot otherwise see. ((((Hugs)))))
Navajo Prayer
In Beauty may you walk.
All day long may you walk.
Through the returning seasons may you walk.
On the trail marked with pollen may you walk.
With grasshoppers about your feet may you walk.
With dew about your feet may you walk.
With Beauty may you walk.
With Beauty before you, may you walk.
With Beauty behind you, may you walk.
With Beauty above you, may you walk.
With Beauty below you, may you walk.
With Beauty all around you, may you walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of Beauty,
lively, may you walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of Beauty,
living again, may you walk.
It is finished in Beauty.
It is finished in Beauty.
I’ve learned to set boundaries for how I allow others treat me.
I’ve also started to lerarn how to set boundaries on how I allow myself to think as well as act.
The thought is father to the action. If we keep our thoughts “pure and good”we can find peace much more easily than if our thoughts continue the bitterness we first embraced.
As I ride a horse or donkey, it may try to go off in a direction to which I don’t want to go, but I correct the direction and turn him into the sunshine, rather than let him wander off in the darkness. Just as I can turn the direction of the donkey I can turn the direction of my thoughts and choose the path down which they go. I choose to go on peaceful and joyful paths, and avoid the rocky, dangerous, anxiety producing ones. I am able to control my environment, and though the animal I ride may very much want to go into the dark dangerous path, I can control him, I* can control what I think and where I go—even my thoughts, even my moods. The more I practice, the easier it becomes. TOWANDA and (((((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Dear Louise –
T H A N K Y O U!
Thank you for showing many of us what a healthy path is, does and can accomplish!!!!
You are an inspiration to me… a true example of nearly losing your life and choosing to find the answers and ways to rebuild and regain your sense of the most beautiful inner and outer YOU!
For some forgiveness is key…and it was for me. It might not be for all, but in order for me to find that real deep inner beautiful self again I made the choice to forgive both of us. Its not a forgiveness where I announce it to him or the world… just a forgiveness within so my spirit and soul could move on, move away, let go of SO MUCH ABOUT HIM that was weighing me down, keeping me stuck, clouding my view and stunting my growth on my healing path!
Let go of the past…both with him and your own past….find the strength and wisdom to dare to bring the focus back to yourself – and release what was in order to allow all the potentials of what will be, what can be EMBRACED going forward.
Who knew that to embrace certain things about ourselves means letting go of certain things about ourselves too !!!!!! SO COOL
Again, thank you for ALL of your contributions and encouraging us to find our strength and balance to not only walk the healing path…but to run full force back into the open arms of life and living healthy again ( or maybe even for the first time ever)!! Better late than never ! xoxo LTL
I find forgiveness to be a tough call. Several years ago I forgave my sadistic, abusive father, and I didn’t do it because he asked for it; he said his only regret as a father was “not spending more time with you kids.” Chilling thought, that–any *more* time with him and the “kids” might not have survived.
I forgave him for me and me alone. And found a huge weight lifted off my back. A weight that has never resettled.
The spath ex–not there yet. But am on my way. I no longer think about him in an emotionally charged way. Think of it/him/the marriage more as an event, one of many in my life. I was spathed. I lost a great deal–time, money, self-esteem, self-worth, identity. But I don’t spend any time thinking badly of him. He did what he did. He couldn’t do otherwise. I wasn’t the first, and probably won’t be the last. (He’s still online, looking for women) (And men)
I don’t think about him much at all. But it’s taken a few years.
Once I could see my dad as another person, separate from the “dad” label, and understand his past, he went from being an object of fear and hatred to just another person–vile, yes. Destructive, yes.
I’m working on moving the spath out of the “evil object” category and into the member of the human race category.
When I succeed, then I will forgive him as well. I can’t forgive an object, but I can forgive a person. And I will do it for me, not for him. He has never asked for forgiveness.
And he doesn’t need to because it isn’t about him. It’s about me and my emotional and physical health.
Forgiving myself wasn’t easy either, but was and is a powerful step on the path to healing. I was/am fallible, I did my best, I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I saw the red flags on our first date and ignored them, wanting to believe the illusion, the beautiful promise of an “us.” I forgive myself for hurting myself. (“Forgive” not “Forgave” because it’s an on-going process to forgive myself for many things, for the many ways I have damaged myself and others and no doubt will continue to in one way or another through ignorance and misguided good intentions that fall short).
I’ve found that forgiveness is one of the most empowering gifts we can give to ourselves–forgiveness of others, forgiveness of ourselves. But no, not easy, and a few years ago I would have said “Are you kidding? Forgive the ex? Never! That monster did…” But for me to be free, I must forgive. And again, for me it means putting him in the human race category first. He’s almost there. Just gotta file those horns down a bit : )
Great post.. and yep, when you forgive,,, is when you can let it go.. doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that you don’t flip back into anger but it releases lots of tension in you and leaves you open to recieve…
and if you are aware of all this .. you can observe people more clearly.. really hear what they are saying and why and their motivation behind it..
I find I am better and better at perceptions…
I still get slammed and hurt but after I emote I flip out of it into centeredness again..
I think when one holds onto what was done that is holds in your energy and release becomes impossible…
M.L. Gallagher
Wow what a beautiful post. I am human and I have hated him with a vengeance. I have visualized all kinds of misfortunes and prayed that he would die in agony.
I am also a spiritual being, I know there is a “higher self” (the best that we can be exists, and always tutors us and coaxes us forward) and even HE has a higher self. and it is THAT person I forgive, his higher being…the being he has yet to become.
It’s so hard to forgive him, yet I do with all my heart, because that is the only true way to release the pain. I also love myself and would never put myself in a similar position again….but for the learning and the love it has produced? thank you
having said that I would protect a baby, a child, an animal, a woman, a man who was being hurt by a socio/psychpath….ANY way I could.
tobehappy
Wow, I just want to repeat the words you say because they mean alot to me:
We come here ”.are born to abusive families”and then we attract it over and over”until we get stompted on so low as an adult”.then we either give up”or we DO THE WORK”to find our worth and value in life.
yes to DOING THE WORK….thank you!
CA MOM you said: But for me to be free, I must forgive.
The point is to be free.
That is what we do the work for.
Whatever work is needed.
And it is ongoing.
Freedom is not free.
There is a cost of time, money and effort.
Let no one have yours!
Vive la liberte~!