Seven steps to healing the lovesick heart.
We’ve all had them. Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong. The sense of loss. Of abandonment. Of feeling devalued and discarded. Of being ”˜less than’ the light of love in our lover’s eyes. We’ve all had them and sometimes, those feelings linger for longer than is healthy for us to reclaim our sense of self-worth, of beauty, of joy in our essence of being alive.
EMBRACE yourself. You’ve got all you need to hold onto
is a seven step process that guides you through letting go of the love that was (and will never be again) into loving what is and will always be within you. You. Whole and complete. Living the 3Ms of self-eMPOWERED YOU! Magnificent! Miraculous! Marvelous!
EMBRACE:
Engage your heart. Still your mind.
Mindfully watch your words and actions.
Be honest with yourself.
Reacquaint yourself with you.
Allow yourself forgiveness.
Celebrate yourself.
Explore your world.
1. Engage your heart by stilling your mind. Meditate. Walk. Do something to get out of your thinking telling you your heart is broken. It isn’t. It’s just hurting because your breathing and thinking is tied up in thoughts of what he did to hurt you. It wasn’t about you. It was always about him.
In your meditation whisper:
Like me, he is seeking to be loved and this is the only way he knows how.
Like me, he has experienced pain, sorrow, and sadness and is looking for a way to avoid feeling them again.
Like me, he only knows this way he is choosing to behave.
And if you can say nothing else, repeat a hundred x ten times a day: I forgive him. I release him.
2. Mindfully watch everything you do and say. Become conscious of your choices knowing that they are always a reflection of your thinking and your thinking will always create how you are feeling and your experience in this moment.
Ask yourself — what do I want to feel in this moment? What is my intention for the day? Tell yourself you are capable of having what you want by reminding yourself what you’re capable of”¦
I wish to feel peace.
I want to feel peace.
I can feel peace.
I choose to be at peace in this moment now. In my choosing peace in this moment, I create the path for peace to appear in the next moment and the next and the next. I am the source of my thinking, my feelings, my actions and I choose to be responsible for my choices.
3. Be honest with yourself. Your healing will only progress to the degree that you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.
His actions were never about you. His actions, words, what he did were always about him.
You do not matter to him. He was not ”˜out to get you’. He was out to get what he wanted to make his life have meaning.
It wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to hurt you. He set out to protect himself. He set out with the belief that ”˜you’ were a way for him to feel good about himself. You couldn’t be his way to feeling good about himself. You are not that powerful. Making him feel good about himself is not your job. Feeling good about yourself is your job. It is your responsibility. You get to choose how you feel about yourself. Be honest — are your choices making you feel better about yourself or worse? Is your thinking giving you what you want or is it taking from you what you need to Love yourself exactly the way you are?
4. Reacquaint yourself with you — remind yourself about who you were before he came into your life. Remember the things you did that said — I am a magnificent human being.
Did you used to volunteer at a hospital? At a homeless shelter? Did you used to do things that created value in your life, that created value in the world around you? Remind yourself of your power to do things that make a difference. If you could do those things then, you can do those things now. Let go of ”˜used to’ and get doing. Remind yourself of those things. You need to get moving. Get doing. Get being who you believe yourself to be. Who you say you are. Do them now. Do them again and again. Get involved and get into action.
5. Allow yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive anyone and anything who ever hurt you.
Holding onto pockets of unforgiveness limits your experience of your life free of his abuse. Forgive him. Remember, it wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to destroy you. He was just doing what he does and you happened to be in his path. He has since, ”˜gotten over you’. He is off doing what he does in someone else’s life. What’s in it for you to hold onto his bad behavior after he’s gone? Forgive him. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know this would happen. You didn’t know you would be so hurt. So broken. So sad. And it’s okay. Forgive yourself and breathe into forgiveness all the loving kindness you possess.
6. Celebrate everything about you. Celebrate your magnificence. Your brilliance. Your light — even when the voices inside would tell you you’re not — celebrate yourself for all you’re worth! You are worth living it up for. Take yourself out on a date. Do something fun and whacky. Go to the zoo. Go bungee jumping. Take dance lessons. Learn a new skill. Celebrate everything about you in everything you do.
7. Explore life. Life isn’t about searching for the right answers, or the perfect you. Life is in the experience of living it. It’s about exploring your beliefs, what beliefs you want to hold onto and those you need to let go of because they’re not working for you any more. If believing he hurt you causes you pain, let go of the belief. If thinking of him makes you sad, explore new thoughts.
Life is in discovering where you’re at is exactly where you are meant to be. Explore this place you’re at right now. Explore your perimeters., Explore your life beyond this place where you find yourself caught up in living small, living less than your dreams.
Get up. Get moving. Quit talking about him. Quit explaining to yourself and anyone who will listen why what he did was so wrong. Wrong or right, it is what he did and all the explanations in the world will never make sense of his nonsense — so give it up. Let it go. Engage yourself in your life. Engage yourself in shining so bright upon your path the whole world lights up around you.
EMBRACE what is. And, if the thought it should be some other way interferes, embrace it and love it to death, or at least until it doesn’t hurt you any more to believe it should be some other way. It isn’t. It can’t be. Embrace what is, love yourself as you are and let yourself go to that place where you are free to explore and experience life on your terms. Free to love fearlessly. To live with abandon. To dance in the rain and run naked through wildflower strewn meadows. It is, and always has been, your choice to embrace what is and live it up for all you’re worth!
Are you willing to do it? It is your life. No one else can live it for you.
been gone for a few months.
ya’ll wouldn’t believe the turns my life has taken. I’m not even sure what they are…it looks like I’ll always be supply to someone….
Anyway, I just logged in to see this thread. it connects to what I’ve been thinking about on the anniversary of leaving the psychopath: Bugs, Slugs and Dougs (his name), you can’t hate them for being what they are, you can only be disgusted by them. Its true that I’ll never forget how his phony love made me feel – so happy and fulfilled, so unlike anything imaginable. But now I know it was phony. I also know he is a sociopath because of what was done to him first: a 12 year old living with a prostitute. Forgiveness is reserved for those who are sorry and want to make amends. But compassion is for all humanity.
Personally, I don’t believe that forgiveness is a mandate. It just came spontaneously for me. Forgiving, as OxD mentioned, has SO many levels, but it doesn’t mean that the spathy was acceptable, appropriate, or excused. For me, it just means acknowledging the spath’s insanity, and moving on. Sure, they choose to harm and they are not remorseful – in light of those facts, it must be a very empty Universe for them.
I love Skylar’s view: “you can only be disgusted by them.”
GettingIt- Regarding what you said about them knowing the rules, brings up something from the beginnings of my relationship with the S. After we had dated for a couple of weeks, he emailed me this little “quiz”, Let’s See What We Know About Each Other. It is questions like middle name, how many siblings, color of eyes, (kind of juvenile things actually), but in hindsight, the part that sticks out most is the question Do You Always Play by the Rules? My answer was yes, his was When I agree with them.
They DO know the rules, they do choose to disregard them, or use them as they see fit.
I haven’t read all the comments, rushing, so sorry if I repeat a point already made. I like Dr. Phil’s “I release you”…I disengage from all feelings all about you, positive or negative, I am simply removing all emotional feelings from you. I release you.
He probably stated it better. But for me, that has been an achievable goal. Forgiving? Nope. Because he did nothing to earn forgiveness.
ErinBrock,
Tomorrow IS the day. Congrats and Happy B-day to the 18year old and good luck to you on that release we all struggle to achieve.
I so agree with Neveragain’s statement: I can imagine Releasing, not for his good, not even for the Universe, but for me and myself alone. The Universe needs a balance. Imagine what a bore it’d be if opposite polarities did not exist… But, this one we can sure do without.
Hey Skylar BABY!!!!! How in the world are you!!!!! ((((Hugs))))
We all have to work toward “healing”—whatever that means to each of us!
The NIFTY THING IS!!!! Get this GUYS!!!! WE get to decide what that is! NO ONE can dictate to us, or tell us what we SHOULD feel, or MUST FEEL, or how bad we are if we don’t agree with them!!!! WOW!!!! CANNYA BELIEVE IT?????
WE get to make up OUR OWN MINDS!!!! What a liberating feeling! What a wonderful thought!!!!!!
Unfortunately some people do want to tell us how we should feel. ! Precisely those who havent experienced a sociopath ….
My life after my druggy P was going okay, I was due to move, and then I found out, that my ex was moving into the same area, with his new woman! Well that was quick … but then, he moved in with me after just a few months so what can you expect. And guess what, he was fuming angry about me moving there, of course, Im a part of his “drug abuse past”, and no he wont be civil, and yes, he will continue mentally abusing me. Well I had to weigh up the options, check out where he was living in relation to me, and no way hose, life is too short. I cancelled the move. He can live his new wonderful new life with his wonderful new woman in peace.
But friends criticised me, oh are you gonna let him rule your life and where you can live? No Im not, thats why Im not going to live there! Hey girl, why dont you just get over him, because I cant overnight you feeeekwits, dont you get it, Im a victim of abuse!
Grrrrr——–
Well I have been going through a few things on my computer, and I found a letter I wrote to him last July about why I dumped him that time, a reality check on why we stick with these people ….. I think it might ring a few bells for others…. unfortunately I went back to him about 2 weeks after that sigh and then he let me down again sigh— and that was the absolute last time-
He never read the letter,
Enjoy
—————-
“Dear R ….
I am ending this ”“ for good, no friendship, nothing, it is the only way.
You have not treated me from the beginning with the respect and love I deserve. Having done it some of the
time does not make that respect and love.
But I stuck It out and tried and tried ”“ because I thought I loved you.
The fact is, I do not, or have not, loved myself, and that is why I have gone back to you several times.
Anyone who loves themselves truly, would not go back to someone who manipulates, hurts and destroys
them, whether that negative behavior from the other was intentional or not.
I need to find the respect and love for myself again, and so long as you are in my life, carrying on and
treating me like you do, this cannot happen. And it is for sure that you do not love or respect yourself, with
all the behavior, scheming, and self abuse. It is a very bad combination.
OK, so I do not smoke cannabis to oblivion everyday or sit getting drunk every night. But I do effectively
the same by allowing my life to revolve around you, even when you have let me down and done terrible
things to me. Allowing myself to be hurt over and over again, is self abuse.
You might ask, how can it be that I do not love myself enough? Well there are some women who become
’women who love too much’ and go for needy men, wanting to be their saviour, taking the focus away from
themselves. They get abused. And it is like an addiction, it is a repeating pattern. Wanting to help ”“
wanting to be needed, and often very motherly women. It usually goes back to coming from a home where
love was missing from one or both of the parents, in some way. This is certainly true in my case. I have
never told you, but I had memories from very young, of my mother leaving me, not being there, and it was
often my father or grandparents who looked after me. On my 40th birthday, my mother told me she got post
natal depression after I was born, and rejected me, leaving me in my fathers hands, she was a nightmare, and
it didn’t start to get better until after my brother came 7 years later, but even then, its been so strained. This
has affected me all my life, including terrible things that happened to me when I was A’s (my then stepdaughter) age due to my
vulnerability, and me later going “off the rails” and so picking needy men.
I don’t know if you can understand this right now, but I hope it will explain my reactions to you over being
let down , breaking up, and coming back to you. I can in no way handle rejection, and will do anything to
make things work.
And then in my late 30s, I got sick, very very sick, and was forced to end a relationship and life in Sweden
and Denmark I didn’t want to end, but I had no choice. I came to Denmark to try and get better, maybe start
again with him, and just start a new life, but it hasn’t worked out for me that way. Although my physical
health got a lot better, my depression did not. When you met me, I was still in that depression, but you
became a light ”“ for a time and for some periods. I know that when I look back to those first dates, I could
see you were needy, so thin, and there was something about you that stunk of neediness, but I also did really
like you. So I tried.
Unfortunately it did not function did it, because you could not treat me with respect and decency, not turning
up, cancelling things, walking out on me when I tried to help you with your hash addiction. We did not
“drive” well until you were living with me, and then you began drinking. Instead of being grateful that there
was someone who actually was really concerned for you, you just got angry, walked out on me and seemed
to despise me.
All these months outside of the time we lived together, I have run around after you, trying to help you,
desperate to find anything to make things work, despite the bad treatment. Unable to live without you,
despite the bad treatment.
That is a woman who loves too much.
I do not understand why you have been with me R. Maybe you picked up on that I was vulnerable. I
just cannot believe some of the things you do, such as telling me that you love me, cant wait to see me, and
then not turning up, or manipulating changes of plan so that you can just stand me up without even a
message. Its sick R and really fucked up.
So why were you with me? Was it because you couldn’t do any better? Or that you could “make do” with me
and have me there for entertainment and a f*** when you felt like it? Like you did with Vs mother? (V is son he has no contact with)
Why did I meet all your cousins and see A at the weekend, when you don’t want to be with me and
cant respect me? Have them all being so happy for us? Its all completely fucked up.
The hurt I have experienced is second-to-none. I must truly disrespect and think so low of myself to have
kept trying, but this is to be no more. I was already vulnerable when we met, and this has just destroyed me,
but it is also my own fault for allowing it.
Now I said that I got a telephone call and I needed to talk to you about it ”“ it was important, and something
that was difficult for mne. And I have heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. This makes me fuming angry and
hate you. Hate you, hate you ”“ the behavior typical of you when you are acting like a bastard. I said to you
you have enemies ”“ and they are my family. I have had a tough time with them, over my continuing contact
with you, but they only have my best interests at heart. You see, by hurting me, you have also hurt them.
They also really liked you, and are shocked by what has happened and how you have treated me.
Now ”“ I wanted us to work, and I wanted to take you to the wedding still. So I needed to talk to you about
that, before I talked to them, if you were still willing to come. Unfortunately they beat me to it ”“ they saw
that I had been to ýour home town (pictures on flickr) and called me up, very angry and upset. They seem to hate
you R ”“ I feel so much anger and hatred coming from them, for what you have done, hurt and
destroyed their daughter/sister, and they are completely against even hearing that I speak to you.
This really really really hurts. Can you understand this? I have tried speaking with them, reasoning, making
excuses for you is really what it is, but the only person I think that could put this right now is you, or the two
of us together. But are they not right?
This is all hypothetical anyway ”“ because it is so obvious you do not love me, do not want me, and do not
even respect me. I don’t think you ever really have, deep down inside.
I think you should just stick to meeting girls on the internet and webcam chats and sex and whatever else you
do. I know you are doing it ”“ I saw something on your computer, date 4 chat or something, came across that
by accident. I think that one night stands are more you, than pretending to be in a relationship, because you
will never be able to love anyone, when you have never loved yourself.
Please do not reply to this letter ”“ there is nothing to talk about, you had your chance to talk and you ignored
me. As usual.
At least one of us can go away with a clean conscience ”“ my intentions have never been anything but good
and focused on you and us.
I do not understand your mindset R, but I think it is very f****** up. It is a shame for your family
about us. Your cousins told me how much your parents are fond of me, how much more stable you became
after meeting me, and your cousins want us to be together, and Ive heard also from (your daughters mother) many times over
how happy A was when I arrived in your life.
But I cannot stay with you to keep you on the straight and narrow for bad treatment in return. I am not going
to be that woman who loves too much anymore.
Your ex — “
That’s proof that they do not get it, and we can only “get it” by NOT TRYING TO GET IT any more, and accepting that they ARE TOXIC and we can only protect ourselves.
I wrote 100-1000? letters I never mailed each one as worthless as the next in trying to get them to SEEs, to get it, to love me, to change—-not gonna happen. I finally deleted them off my computer–no sense keeping them any more becauser now I DO GET IT. NC is the only way! NC FOREVER! P-FREE FOREVER.
Ox Drover:
“NC is the only way!”
I think that is the bottom line when dealing with these “Black Magicians”.
I think No Contact is very powerful, and it drives disordered personalities absolutely CRAZY.
As diverse as everyone’s backgrounds and philosophies are on this site, the one piece of advice that we all pretty much agree on is the NO Contact rule.
It’s sort of universal.
Of course, there are always exceptions when dealing with marraiges and child custody situations, but we still all agree on the No Contact rule most of the time.
I consider it a huge red flag whenever someone starts mocking, criticizing, or trying to convince us that No Contact does not really work.
I like this article. I started embracing myself recently and my “singleness” and it is working out so well for me. I am really appreciating myself and what I have going on. I have a lot of great stuff going on. I love it that I started exercising out in the hot sun and humidity. I am getting back into all the things that I like. I’m working toward getting the dream job back. I’ve realized that I am plenty enough all on my own and I don’t need someone else to “complete” me. I’m pretty complete already. The anger is fading so much that it’s completely gone and when it sneaks in, it’s easier to make it go away. I am really excited about the summer.
Next month I have 6 DAYS OFF WORK to do whatever the hell I want and I’m so excited-sleeping late,tons of great workouts,the shooting range,biking getting massages and my hair done-can’t wait. Also planning a trip to NYC in December with my stepmom because I’ve never been. I am going to enjoy myself the rest of the year while I work towards getting the job! Yay!