Seven steps to healing the lovesick heart.
We’ve all had them. Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong. The sense of loss. Of abandonment. Of feeling devalued and discarded. Of being ”˜less than’ the light of love in our lover’s eyes. We’ve all had them and sometimes, those feelings linger for longer than is healthy for us to reclaim our sense of self-worth, of beauty, of joy in our essence of being alive.
EMBRACE yourself. You’ve got all you need to hold onto
is a seven step process that guides you through letting go of the love that was (and will never be again) into loving what is and will always be within you. You. Whole and complete. Living the 3Ms of self-eMPOWERED YOU! Magnificent! Miraculous! Marvelous!
EMBRACE:
Engage your heart. Still your mind.
Mindfully watch your words and actions.
Be honest with yourself.
Reacquaint yourself with you.
Allow yourself forgiveness.
Celebrate yourself.
Explore your world.
1. Engage your heart by stilling your mind. Meditate. Walk. Do something to get out of your thinking telling you your heart is broken. It isn’t. It’s just hurting because your breathing and thinking is tied up in thoughts of what he did to hurt you. It wasn’t about you. It was always about him.
In your meditation whisper:
Like me, he is seeking to be loved and this is the only way he knows how.
Like me, he has experienced pain, sorrow, and sadness and is looking for a way to avoid feeling them again.
Like me, he only knows this way he is choosing to behave.
And if you can say nothing else, repeat a hundred x ten times a day: I forgive him. I release him.
2. Mindfully watch everything you do and say. Become conscious of your choices knowing that they are always a reflection of your thinking and your thinking will always create how you are feeling and your experience in this moment.
Ask yourself — what do I want to feel in this moment? What is my intention for the day? Tell yourself you are capable of having what you want by reminding yourself what you’re capable of”¦
I wish to feel peace.
I want to feel peace.
I can feel peace.
I choose to be at peace in this moment now. In my choosing peace in this moment, I create the path for peace to appear in the next moment and the next and the next. I am the source of my thinking, my feelings, my actions and I choose to be responsible for my choices.
3. Be honest with yourself. Your healing will only progress to the degree that you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.
His actions were never about you. His actions, words, what he did were always about him.
You do not matter to him. He was not ”˜out to get you’. He was out to get what he wanted to make his life have meaning.
It wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to hurt you. He set out to protect himself. He set out with the belief that ”˜you’ were a way for him to feel good about himself. You couldn’t be his way to feeling good about himself. You are not that powerful. Making him feel good about himself is not your job. Feeling good about yourself is your job. It is your responsibility. You get to choose how you feel about yourself. Be honest — are your choices making you feel better about yourself or worse? Is your thinking giving you what you want or is it taking from you what you need to Love yourself exactly the way you are?
4. Reacquaint yourself with you — remind yourself about who you were before he came into your life. Remember the things you did that said — I am a magnificent human being.
Did you used to volunteer at a hospital? At a homeless shelter? Did you used to do things that created value in your life, that created value in the world around you? Remind yourself of your power to do things that make a difference. If you could do those things then, you can do those things now. Let go of ”˜used to’ and get doing. Remind yourself of those things. You need to get moving. Get doing. Get being who you believe yourself to be. Who you say you are. Do them now. Do them again and again. Get involved and get into action.
5. Allow yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive anyone and anything who ever hurt you.
Holding onto pockets of unforgiveness limits your experience of your life free of his abuse. Forgive him. Remember, it wasn’t personal. He didn’t set out to destroy you. He was just doing what he does and you happened to be in his path. He has since, ”˜gotten over you’. He is off doing what he does in someone else’s life. What’s in it for you to hold onto his bad behavior after he’s gone? Forgive him. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know this would happen. You didn’t know you would be so hurt. So broken. So sad. And it’s okay. Forgive yourself and breathe into forgiveness all the loving kindness you possess.
6. Celebrate everything about you. Celebrate your magnificence. Your brilliance. Your light — even when the voices inside would tell you you’re not — celebrate yourself for all you’re worth! You are worth living it up for. Take yourself out on a date. Do something fun and whacky. Go to the zoo. Go bungee jumping. Take dance lessons. Learn a new skill. Celebrate everything about you in everything you do.
7. Explore life. Life isn’t about searching for the right answers, or the perfect you. Life is in the experience of living it. It’s about exploring your beliefs, what beliefs you want to hold onto and those you need to let go of because they’re not working for you any more. If believing he hurt you causes you pain, let go of the belief. If thinking of him makes you sad, explore new thoughts.
Life is in discovering where you’re at is exactly where you are meant to be. Explore this place you’re at right now. Explore your perimeters., Explore your life beyond this place where you find yourself caught up in living small, living less than your dreams.
Get up. Get moving. Quit talking about him. Quit explaining to yourself and anyone who will listen why what he did was so wrong. Wrong or right, it is what he did and all the explanations in the world will never make sense of his nonsense — so give it up. Let it go. Engage yourself in your life. Engage yourself in shining so bright upon your path the whole world lights up around you.
EMBRACE what is. And, if the thought it should be some other way interferes, embrace it and love it to death, or at least until it doesn’t hurt you any more to believe it should be some other way. It isn’t. It can’t be. Embrace what is, love yourself as you are and let yourself go to that place where you are free to explore and experience life on your terms. Free to love fearlessly. To live with abandon. To dance in the rain and run naked through wildflower strewn meadows. It is, and always has been, your choice to embrace what is and live it up for all you’re worth!
Are you willing to do it? It is your life. No one else can live it for you.
🙂
Get some rest. We will talk again soon.
Haven’t been up that way in a coons age!
Wondering how to run down a passport up there?
??Wondering how to run down a passport up there? ??
u r welcome here!
The other thing about contact and letters is, remember, the P is so sick in the head that he or she will use that against you. Some of you may remember that I contacted my ex Ps employer when he got a job in a school, teaching 15 year olds. Only a month before was he still in serious hash addiction, disappearing from his daughter, and Id found notes on a sex business. I wrote a letter to the school after I talked with them. Well of course, he used ALL my previous contact where I had raised concerns about his behaviour, to show that I WAS SICK and would not accept that the relationship was over!
I wonder, the new woman, apparently she comes from the town where he grew up, I mean, does she know everything and yet moves in with him after just a few months? Even knowing he walked out on a mother and her son and has no contact with that kid? Mind this is Denmark, and some people here are just wierd.
SILVER:
If the car is older than 10 years….in my state you don’t need a title to sell it.
I wouldn’t suggest storing his shiat. Don’t spend any more money on him or his stuff.
He’s abandoned you….from what I can tell…..and if your marriage is not legal….then you have no obligation to keep his stuff.
SELL IT!!!
Send his a letter to his last known mailing address…..(whatever prison you knew of)….or the last address HE gave you….
Notify him of a 15 day of disposal and abandonment of property. He’s got 15 days to collect his shiat or your gonna get rid of it. Period.
I’ll buy your car in my state with no title….(ha ha)….
NOW….the good thing about IF he sues YOU…..is you will know he’s out and/or you will know where to find him! If he sues YOU…..then you can serve him consequtively and get that divorce quicker!
I don’t see any reason for you to hang on to his stuff……get rid and good riddence!
Oh, yeah………..sell that stuff off, Silver, and I’ll give my personal opinion on why you should.
First of all, this jackass should pay for a fraction of the misery that he’s caused. SELL HIS STUFF and either get something that you really need, or donate the money to your favorite cause.
Second, physical material things absorb negativity, just as they do positivity. Thinking back on OxD’s cleansing of getting rid of photos, etc., it makes sense.
Last year, about this time, the younger son came for a brief visit and “returned” a bagful of turquoise jewelry to me that his spath father had kept for the past 13 years. After the son made the choice to return to his personal hell, I tossed each piece off of a bridge into a river. I did NOT want those pieces in my home because they were no longer mine – they had been trophies of the ex spath that he kept to teach me a lesson.
SELL THAT STUFF, Silver! EB’s spot-on! That property has been abandoned and you don’t owe that watery turd ANYthing!
Brightest blessings and TOWANDAMUNDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nice post M Gallagher. I agree with alot of the bloggers that forgiveness is not necessary. However what we do need to do is forgive ourselves. If we do not release we stay in victim mode forever. The same goes for being angry. We can be angry and upset at them that they have moved on and perhaps found someone else while we as victims remain stuck in their projected anger. The minute we let go and release any attachment from them it sets us free to have no emotionally attachment to them at all.
To all those who are feeling stuck remember they will never change. They do not care. They will keep on doing what they always do. But we as the targets have a choice.
I strongly believe they are our “wake up calls” for us to change and realised they came into our lives to teach us to not be victims and not have that little sticker over our heads. I know from my own experience my own father is a Sociopath so meeting my ex just felt like coming home.
I have set myself so many boundaries now (not walls) just boundaries and I look aftermyself now I can say NO! whereas before I felt powerless.
For me forgiving was easy but forgiving myself was a whole lot harder.
The hardest bit was Acceptance. I always wanted to believe there was good in everyone including my father so I struggled with accepting that my P ex had done what he did. Once we accept them for what they are without attachment it doesn t mean what they did was right but we can move on. Once we accept that it could have happened to anyone and that there really are bar stewards out there that thrive on hurting people we can allow them to not have power over us anymore.
Most of these predators often have kind of narcisssitic traits so hurting their victims after the event by doing things to rile their victims up just makes them even happier. If they have just disregarded you. and you have managed to leave them from from them they are just attention seekers and will do anything to get attention even if its being bad.
Even after 15 years of divorce my father still calls up and asks my why my mother doesn t ask after him anymore. Why because he cheated on her more than 12 times and she ended up spending most of her life in bed on pills thinking it was her fault.
The best thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore them. Get rid of their stuff have no contact and just pretend like they never existed. Move on with your life and stop getting triggered by all of the things they do to try and hurt us by getting attention.
Accept and let go. That means letting go of them and everything to do with them including any emotional attachment. If you want a reminder remember you meant nothing to them.
As for my ex I just feel indifferent now. Feeling hateful towards them just creates more negative intensisity in yourself and stops the healing process.
Forgiveness?? I have said “I forgive you” about a thousand times in the past 3 years but I have not felt it once. Who do I forgive? The psyco I discovered I was living with who nearly ruined my life or the person I thought I had married? Forgiving him is like trying to hit a moving target in my mind. Maybe I’m just not ready because I’m certainly not past the anger. I would just love it if I could wake up one day and never have a memory that he existed.
I just wanted to post today because I’m feeling such despair. I’m feeling lost, lonely, depressed, hopeless, helpless, and so much pain I can hardly stand it. I want to SCREAM!! All I can do is cry and beg God to PLEASE help me find a way out of this misery.
This while he’s at work making jokes about me. His phone called mine and he didn’t know it. He’s said so many nasty things about me to his co-workers. I just wish he would die. I wish God would strike him down for being such a sick, demented, cruel and evil person.
I’ve prayed and prayed for reief, but it never comes. I’ve gone to counseling, done daily affirmations, called trying to get DV counseling (no calls back), so now what? The lonliness is killing me. The desperation is killing me. The pain is killing me.
I’m trapped in this house with no one but my two dogs. No money to get out, and no place to go. I have had better days since trying EFT Tapping, it has helped a great deal, but it just isn’t enough. My familiy is in another state, and my friends are virtually non-existant. He’s made sure of that.
Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I can’t even sleep anymore. If I do manage to get an hour or two of broken sleep, I have horrible nightmares. There’s just no escaping this. There’s no peace, no love, no life here for me.
I’ve been trying to sell off everything I own in hopes of getting some money to leave, but people just aren’t buying anything due to the economy. My final desperate act was to put my car up for sale on CL. No calls on that even.
Do I just have bad luck? Have I done something so bad that I deserve to live in this Hell? I don’t get it. Why does everything go so good for HIM? Why is everything working out in HIS favor? What the hell is the lesson here? I get that I made a bad decision to marry him, but how long do I have to pay for that mistake?
I know there are others out there that are feeling the way I do. I just wish we could all be in a room together where I could see your faces, hug you and have you hug me back, hold your hand and us try to figure our stuff out together.
I’m so tired of being alone. So tired of feeling worse than empty. I miss having friends I can count on. People that feel free to call me and see how I’m doing. People I can call to meet for coffee.
GOD, where are you!!!!!
Dear Bailey,
You are NOT ALONE, but I now it seems like you are. You are DEPRESSED, and if you are not seeing a mental health professional that can Rx you some medicaqtion, please be evaluated for that, second, see a therapist for some real world talking and planning. Sometimes we just get more than we can handle alone! Seek help! ((((Hugs))))) Yea, being broke sucks! God bless! ps. God is there, just does things is HIS time, not ours. (((hugs))))