I write this column (using “he” throughout, for simplicity purposes) to suggest some useful ideas for vetting a prospective provider who does not come recommended through a reliable source (or through Donna Anderson’s growing new LoveFraud referral base).
How can you begin to assess a relatively unknown provider for his competence to address your experiences with a suspected sociopath specifically, exploiter in general, or otherwise personality-disturbed individual?
Let me start by suggesting that a provider who claims to be educated about sociopathy really isn’t if he lacks an equally fluent understanding of narcissistic and borderline personality disorder.
The reason I say this is that, under certain circumstances, all three disorders can look very much alike; but more importantly, if you are involved with someone who has any one of these disorders, you are at heightened risk of being personally violated and abused.
So, while they are distinct from each other (although common elements of narcissism and sociopathy remain intriguing), I’m suggesting that all three disorders greatly increase the probable, if not certain, occurrence of interpersonal violation.
In the course of this discussion, I’m going to assume that you may be involved with someone (or have been involved with someone) whom you suspect (or know) to be, for instance, sociopathic and/or abusive? Otherwise you wouldn’t be seeking assurances that a particular provider has knowledge and/or expertise of the disorder(s) in question.
I also make the assumption that LoveFraud members or visitors wanting to find a knowledgeable resource on sociopathy (who do not find assistance through Donna’s new referral resource) come with a nice advantage—by virtue of their involvement with LoveFraud, they are already extra knowledgeable on the subject. This equips them to be astute evaluators of a prospective resource.
So let’s get down to business.
You will need, no surprise, to ask questions; questions that can gauge the provider’s competency to appreciate the gravity of a situation in which a sociopathic (or some other exploitative dynamic) is, or has been, present.
And you will want good, expressive answers to your questions, not dismissive ones.
The first, vital task is to assess the provider’s receptivity to your interest in his clinical experience. This point needs emphasis: You are entitled to evaluate the provider’s clinical experience and expertise as it pertains to your circumstances.
I stress: You are completely, utterly entitled to assess the provider’s professional experience, skills, and interest on matters relevant to your personal circumstances and self-interest.
Remember, this is not about protecting the provider; it’s about protecting yourself.
As such, this speaks to a bigger issue: You are setting yourself up if you do not protect yourself, and so you protect yourself by owning your right to a completely respectful, receptive invitation to evaluate the provider’s scope of interest and competence with a given client population, or in a particular clinical area. Anything less than a genuine, undefensive invitation from the provider to proceed with your questions should immediately disqualify him from consideration.
So for instance, you might begin with something like, “You know, it’s very important to me, given my circumstances, to be working with someone I can feel confident has a really good knowledge of _________. Would you mind if I asked you several questions along those lines, for my own personal comfort?” (There are many ways to break the ice, this is just one example.)
Remember: A provider who fails, at this point, to invite you to proceed, undefensively, has disqualified himself. Thus, if he responds impatiently, arrogantly, angrily, curtly, condescendingly, as if offended or put-off, or in any other way inadequately, he is wrong for you. You must move on, because you deserve better.
Assuming you’ve gotten the proper encouragement to proceed, I offer below a list of questions (hardly comprehensive) which, depending on your circumstances, can elicit meaningful information. The idea (quite obviously) isn’t to ask all of these questions, but to pursue several that are most applicable to your situation.
This list is by no means complete; rather, it’s at best a starting point, if only to get your own wheels rolling to come up with even better questions! Note that some of the questions probe for knowledge, others for personal views and biases, and others for experience. The asterisked questions can sometimes elicit responses that will enable you to quickly eliminate potential resources.
· How familiar are you with sociopathy?
· How familiar are you with psychopathy?
· Do you distinguish sociopathy and psychopathy, or are we using these terms to mean the same thing?
· Do you distinguish antisocial personality disorder from sociopathy or psychopathy?
· How many cases have you worked involving sociopathy?
· Can I ask how you came to work with these individuals?
· What is your treatment philosophy regarding sociopathically disturbed individuals?
· I’m curious how you view sociopathy? I know that many people have different ideas about sociopaths. Can you tell me your view of what characterizes the sociopath?
· How do you distinguish, if at all, the sociopath from the narcissistic personality?
· What’s been your experience working with borderline personality disturbance?
· In your experience, what are similarities and differences between borderline, narcissistic and sociopathically disordered individuals?
· How much experience have you had working with abusive individuals?
· Can you tell me a little about the history of your interest, and experience working, with abusive personalities?
· *How effective and appropriate, in your experience, are anger management referrals for abusive personalities?
· How much interest, and experience, have you had working with victims of abuse?
· What is your view of what constitutes abuse in a relationship?
· What are your goals in working with someone who is in, or has been damaged by, an abusive relationship?
· *Are there circumstances where someone might be driven, legitimately, to abuse someone else?
· Do you mind if I ask you whose work or writings on abusive relationships and abusive personalities has most influenced your views?
· Do you mind if I ask you whose work on the subject of psychopathy (or sociopathy) has most influenced your ideas?
· *Are you familiar with Robert Hare’s work?
· *Have you successfully treated sociopaths?
· My partner, if you meet him, will tell you that I’m a sociopath”¦how will you know which of us, if either, is the sociopath?
· Are you familiar with any psychological instruments that assess for psychopathy, and if so, do you use them?
· *Under what conditions, if any, would you be hesitant to do couples therapy?
· What goals do you have, generally, when working with a borderline personality?
· What goals do you have, generally, when working with a narcissistic personality?
· What is your understanding of the central feature(s) of sociopathy?
· What is your understanding of the central feature(s) of the narcissist?
· Would you be willing to read something I’d give you if I felt it could help you understand the precidament/situation/personality I’m dealing with?
· When you believe you are dealing clinically with a sociopathic individual, what is your clinical goal?
The answers to your questions
As I’ve strongly suggested, the provider’s responses, first of all, should convey interest in, and respect for, your questions. Your first assessment, then, is less of the provider’s expertise and knowledge, than his or her attitude to your questions.
As a matter of fact, a primary purpose of your questions is to assess the attitude of the provider. In other words, if the provider isn’t temperamentally suited to appreciate the complexity of your concerns, he or she can have all the knowledge in the world and be pretty much worthless.
You’ll want honest answers. Genuine answers. Not pretenses to expertise where there isn’t any. You’ll want a provider who is willing to say, “That’s an interesting question. I might even need to think about that a bit more.”
I offer randomly some rough examples (from countless possibilities) of what might be deemed encouraging responses to some of these questions:
“To be honest, no”¦I haven’t worked with what I’d call a high volume of ________; but I do feel comfortable with my understanding of this clinical issue, and I’d like to be of help to you.”
“I consider myself to be clinically literate on this subject, but I’m happy to become even more enlightened and would welcome anything you have to share with me to get me up to speed.”
“I wouldn’t say that I have a particular interest working with _______, but I do like working with and helping those who have been victimized by ________(s).”
“I suppose I’d regard ______as a very central feature of _______. Also ______.”
“I don’t really make a distinction between antisocial personality and the sociopath? As a matter of fact, I wasn’t even aware of such a distinction? But I’m curious about that? Am I missing something?”
“I’ve worked a great deal with victims of abuse and enjoy working with this client population.”
“I’m not familiar with that issue, to be honest” (depending on the circumstances, this doesn’t necessarily have to be a disqualification).
“I can’t say that I’ve had great success working with narcissistic personalities”¦but I’ll work with anyone who voluntarily seeks my help genuinely.”
“I’m not sure if I satisfied you with my response?”
These hypothetical replies have in common a thoughtful, humble, curious quality. The confident provider will feel relaxed, undefensive, and unpressured to produce brilliant, comprehensive answers beyond his or her scope of expertise.
At the same time, you are looking for evidence of expertise that will leave you feeling comfortable that this is someone who can effectively, sensitively advocate for your interests.
Some responses, as noted, can quickly reveal a provider’s serious limitations.
For instance, the response to the question, Have you successfully treated any sociopaths?, “Yes”¦I’ve worked with many sociopaths and treated several very successfully,” is a great time-saver. You just say, “Thanks very much, I’ve really appreciated your time,” and then have a good laugh on your way out.
That’s because true sociopathy, as the LoveFraud community well knows, is a refractory
condition, unamenable to meaningful modification.
Regarding the Hare question: in cases where a provider claims to be experienced with the subject of sociopathy, I might find it dubious (although not necessarily instantly disqualifying) that he or she would have no knowledge of Robert Hare, who is such a notable figure in psychopathy research.
Similarly, the response to the question, Under what conditions would you be hesitant to do couples therapy?, “Umm”¦.I can’t really think of any?,” would suggest a potentially serious defect in the provider’s clinical knowledge and/or judgement. That’s because couples therapy is ill-advised under several circumstances, among them when serious abuse is occuring in a relationship, or when one or both partners is sociopathically oriented. (And naturally, non-genuine motivation to work on the relationship would be another contraindication.)
Further, a provider who suggests that, yes, a referral for anger management is probably the best intervention you can offer an abusive personality betrays a likely ignorance of the dynamics of the abuser, who has much more than merely an anger problem.
And it’s self-evident that a provider who can find a basis to justify abuse under any circumstance is probably confusing abuse with, perhaps, self-defense—a failure of understanding that ought to send you running for the hills.
Bear in mind there is no one right way to answer many of these questions; in many cases, there are multiple good (and good-enough) answers which also allow for differences in clinical approaches and orientations.
I offer below additional examples (also random, hypothetical) of the kinds of responses that might reflect a reassuring level of clinical expertise:
“What do I see as the central feature of sociopathy? I see the sociopath as someone who is extremely, chronically manipulative and deceptive. Someone who lacks empathy in a very gross way for the victims of his or her exploitation.”
“I see what you mean”¦.you can have a borderline personality disorder doing something, say, really vengeful that might look very sociopathic, but the motive for the aggression would be different. The borderline personality might be motivated by rage, panic, or desperation over, say, abandonment issues, whereas the sociopath? He or she may be movitated by”¦the impulse?”¦pure greed”¦or even the fun of it?”
“If I have good reason to believe I’m dealing with a sociopath, my main goal becomes evaluating his or her risk to others”¦depending, of course, on the circumstances of the referral and case.”
“If I’m working with someone with borderline personality, I’m looking to help that individual, among other things, learn how to better regulate his or her emotions, which may be very dysregulated and for that reason a source of much distress.”
“If I’m working with a narcissistic personality disorder, I’m looking, over time, to help that individual, if possible, examine his demands and expectations of others—his inflated sense of entitlement—more thoughtfully; and also examine the ways that he routinely handles, or mishandles, his disappointment in others.”
“When I’m working with abusive individuals my goal is to confront their excuses and rationalizations for their violating behaviors.”
“When I’m working with victims of abuse I may have several goals, including safety concerns; also exploring how the client finds herself in an abusive relationship, and the factors that make it difficult for her (or him) to leave that relationship.”
“How will I know which of you is the sociopath? I think in any clinical situation, you rely on a number of factors in formulating possible diagnoses, including your instincts, your experience of the individuals, the client’s history (as furnished by the client and others), other relevant, available, supporting documentation; and any adjunctive testing and evaluations that can narrow down, if necessary, a suspected diagnosis more accurately? And so there’s no guarantee that I’ll get it right, but I’m pretty confident of my chances.”
In sum, you’ll want assurances that the provider, at a minimum, can recognize the central aspects of sociopathy (or the disorder in question); he or she should appreciate the futility of pursuing treatment with the sociopath, especially in a private practice setting; but most importantly, the provider should be able to convey a good clinical grasp of, and history of work with, abusive personalities and their victims.
You will know, intuitively, whether the provider’s responses indicate an adequate level of thoughtfulness and knowledge.
And remember, your initial assessment doesn’t end when you choose to begin a working relationship with a particular provider, anymore than you cease evaluating the individual with whom you enter a personal relationship. Your evaluation should be ongoing, and your continued investment in the relationship, whether with a professional resource, or intimate partner, should be based on a continuing evaluation of him or her as worthy of your time and trust.
You can say at any point along the way, This person is not right for me. Just because I sized this person/provider up initially (with necessarily incomplete information) as worth my initial investment, doesn’t mean I can’t modify my assessment of him or her at any time, thanks to my making good use of additional, more complete information!
I hope this offers some guidance for conceptualizing an approach to the evaluation of a relatively unknown prospective provider. I am glad to continue this discussion based on feedback.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Steve: I picked up a book at B&N a year or so ago and read the first chapter. It troubled me, but I couldn’t say quite why. I just found the book on Amazon and the chapter is available for anyone to read, so I re-read it and I think I know now what story I’m reading. But I don’t believe the therapist knew what he was writing about.
The book is labeled a classic: “Love’s Executioner.” If you read that chapter, I wonder if you will see what I see.
DEar Steve,
For what it is worth, I have never, from reading your writings, perceived that you were inappropriate in any way, and I have really enjoyed your articles. I have seen some defensiveness, but not inappropriately. We all have different opinions about different things here, but the thing that is UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL about LF is that opinions are discussed in a reasonable manner without rancor.
What few misunderstandings here are quickly and appropriately resolved. This is one of THE most theraputic commnities on the web or anywhere else—-thanks to Donna and the authors of the articles here. ((((hugs))))) to you all!!!
RUNE, OxDROVER, thanks.
To EVERYONE: I want to reiterate my apology, to anyone negatively affected, for lapsing into an unnecessarily combative tone in several of my responses.
Humbleness is so important; I value it greatly in what I seek in others and what I hope to convey in the way I work and relate to others. I’d like to believe that those who work with me experience my humbleness and unpretentiousness as among my most genuine (and therapeutic) qualities. Whereever in my writing (and I refer especially to any feedback I respond to) these qualities aren’t reflected–this is my failure entirely, which I own.
I recognize that my role as regular columnist on LoveFraud in no way makes me more of an authority on any subject up for discussion than any of you, who individually and cumulatively are what makes this cyber community so dynamic, powerful, and illuminating.
Writers and authors are replaceable, easily; but you guys aren’t. You are indispensable.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (which I’m clearly not) to recognize the true wisdom, experience, personal (and often, clinical) knowledge, and eloquence so many of you share so generously.
Again, to you, GRANT, MATT (to whom, by the way, I mis-attributed a question–sorry), Healing Heart, RUNE, and anyone else….every one of your views and convictions was expressed as such–a personal view and/or conviction. I am the last person who should leave you, for instance, feeling challenged on your personal ideas about the kind of helper best suited to share your personal recovery processes.
The idea that one might find someone who has intimately shared his or her particular trauma optimally suited to understand and appreciate him or her (and his or her experience) makes total sense. To the extent that I was perceived as invalidating in my tone, anywhere along the line, I was offbase.
Steve
I just caught up with this thread, and wish I’d read it before I posted my last article. I had no idea so many of us held similar ideas about the nature of this recovery process.
I wonder how many of us also found ourselves in multiple, overlapping situations. I had to get rid of my ex to realize that I was also working in a completely sociopathic situation. It took me a while beyond that to realize that I was coaching someone who demanded a service level that totally blew my boundaries, and I was allowing it.
The larger context around all this was a huge amount of stress in my life related to a string of family deaths, managing a successful new business, and people around me drinking and having breakdowns.
The question of how we identify our own issues when we first visit a therapist definitely resonates with me. The therapist who didn’t help me, when I was still involved with my ex, either diagnosed me as having PSTD from childhood issues or having relationship problems identified as my codependency.
Neither of them was wrong. But neither of them understood that I was in a traumatic, abusive relationship here and now.
In my own experience, and in my experience supporting people who are emerging from this type of relationship (which coincidentally comes up in my personal coaching work), there is an immediate and huge need for validation. We don’t need to be told what we’ve done wrong, or that we need to take a good, hard look at our own behaviors. We need to be reassured that our reactions are healthy and normal in response to an unmanageable and painful situation.
The therapist who ultimately helped me the most was a specialist in childhood sexual abuse. She was very formally trained, and not the warmest person I’ve ever met in therapy. And she never acknowledged that I was in a relationship with a sociopath. But she did recognize that I was in pain and that I was dealing with a trauma.
We were able to work the thread that I wanted to work — starting with the pain, tracking it back to sources, and reframing these events in the light of my current knowledge and capabilities — even though we would probably have disagreed about what my current problem was. It didn’t matter to me. I needed help in processing trauma, and that was her expertise.
I agree that this is fundamentally grief processing. It’s an expanded definition of grief that incorporates not only external losses, but the internal destabilization when we have to reconsider what we took for granted. We don’t just lose our lovers, our possessions and our dreams. We are forced to question the underlying assumptions on which we’ve structured our lives.
I can’t think of anything more stressful, or anything that requires more of us to process. I have been through widowhood and divorce, losing businesses, having friends cut me off, supporting family members through addiction recovery and deaths of loved ones. Nothing compares to the realization that a belief that we built our lives on is wrong.
Having a good therapist doesn’t change the fact that we lost something, and that somehow we have to navigate through the pain to discover how to live in a new world. But having someone who understands this type of pain, and provides compassionate support through the grief process can help us move through it more quickly and more consciously.
For some of us — and it seems to be those of us with some training already — that “someone” is ourselves, supported by a lot of educational reading. I did most of my work alone. But in retrospect, especially after reading this thread, I think I might have expedited my process by looking for someone with knowledge and experience in treating the after-effects of traumatic relationships.
Kathleen H. wrote…..”there is an immediate and huge need for validation. We don’t need to be told what we’ve done wrong, or that we need to take a good, hard look at our own behaviors. We need to be reassured that our reactions are healthy and normal in response to an unmanageable and painful situation.”
Absolutely correct! My grief counselor friend says exactly the same thing. She called me this morning on her way to work. We talked about this and she said her first step is always to meet the person where they are and to validate their feelings about their personal experience without judging or doubting what they say about an event or a person. She said there is definitely no place for comments like “get over it”, “you are too upset”, “what you see in another is reflecting you”, or “what did you do to create this happening?”. Initially, the person is in a acute state of pain, shock, confusion and bewilderment, and usually has a host of other complicating factors often including financial loss.
She said she would not tell someone they are dealing with a sociopath, but she would tell them at some point that the offending person does not appear to be capable of behaving responsibly or reliably in a relationship. If she felt their safety were at risk, she would advise the client on taking protective measures through appropriate professionals such as attorneys or law enforcement.
Steve: If you will permit me, the insistence of those of us in the minority, even as we challenged you, may have highlighted a perspective that you can now be prepared to understand and champion. That would put you in the minority in your field, but you would be more exceptional because of that, and more valuable to our LF community as well.
Thank you for your gracious response,
Eye: You’ve underscored KH’s very important point. Yes, yes, yes.
I’ve been adamant about this because my own experience with so-called experienced therapists was so toxic. In my pursuit of a therapist, I followed up on several referrals and was told by two people that they couldn’t take me on because my issues were “too large” and I was “too damaged.”
Regarding taking protective steps, I went to attorneys and law enforcement and the DA (for his fraud and elder fraud) and was told “we don’t handle that,” or “it’s too hard to prosecute,” or “he’ll just say you gave him all that as gifts.” I took those steps while dealing with the increasing debilitation of my own internal meltdown: stuttering, dissolving into tears with no obvious triggering event. I was very accustomed to doing business, and I knew how to approach these people, but I was turned away at every door.
I’ve been NC since the day I walked away, having recognized the extreme danger of the man, and the horrific extent of his deception.
I had several months with a therapist (once a week) who was willing to take my $5 or $10 as I had it. Then I lost my last toehold and, homeless, moved to a different town on the promise of work and a place to stay. The promise turned into a nightmare as the “rescuer” turned out to be a pathological liar with a scam dressed up as a “publishing company.” I ended up being her highly competent new editor (narcissistic supply) until she scammed a bunch of money, didn’t need me, and locked me out without paying me for months of work.
Yes, KH, I’m doing my own work for myself. If I’m lucid and even have some wisdom to offer in these posts, it’s by some Grace that I do not understand. Nothing in my life is in my control in any way that I can relate to from the past. None of the old solutions are working. I don’t know if my experience reflects that of anyone else in this community. If I had any stability with work and a home, I’d be better able to work on the process of healing. As it is, I’m afraid of every new interaction, knowing that I’m not just “prey” any more. I’m the wounded, debilitated straggler, an easy target for a lazy coyote. I know the predators smell it, and I’m afraid.
Searching for an appropriate therapist isn’t even the highest priority, in Maslow’s heirarchy of needs: without resource, that’s farther away right now than Christmas.
Hello Everyone – I’m at work, and just have a little time, but tuned in and wanted to just quickly say a couple things.
Steve – thank you. That was a really kind post, and I appreciate it.
Secondly – through this blog, and what every one has written, I’ve gotten some clarity on my own thoughts on the matter of treatment.
I think there are many great therapists who can truly help someone work through the emotional wreckage of a traumatic relationship.
I think the sticky point, and the point of “miss” on BOTH the part of the client and the therapist, is recognizing the relationship as an abusive one. And many of us expect that a therapist would/should be able to “catch” this. But I imagine that many therapists (like mine) got such a muddled and changing account of what happened (in part because my denial and repression were wreaking havoc with the truth), that she could not help me identify, soon enough to my liking, that I was in an abusive relationship. She encouraged me to be tolerant and cooperative. This is what I am angry, and perhaps bitter, about. I wish she could have seen, more clearly, what had been going on. I might have gotten out sooner. But perhaps not. Perhaps I needed every last body blow (figurative) before I could get out.
I think we present such a strange, jumbled, foggy, muddy, contradictory (we simultaneously hold our S partner accountable yet somehow rationalize their behavior), story of our relationship to a therapist, when we are still in the early phases of discovery/shock, that it is really difficult for the therapist to “diagnose” the relationship as toxic, and perhaps involving an S. I think unless the therapist is experienced personally and/or professionally with how to “spot” one of us, they will probably not be quick to identify us as someone in a traumatic relationship who needs to get the hell out.
I think once we recognize, ourselves, what has happened and that our partner may be (N or S), there are many great therapists who could help us. But I do believe there are few therapists who can recognize what the relationship “is” (abusive, and perhaps involving an S) before the client can.
And, no, a therapist can never formally “diagnose” as in DSM, someone who is not in the room – but they can “diagnose” the relationship as toxic or abusive. And they can suggest, that perhaps the partner may well be an S, just as a therapist might suggest to a client who is complaining that her husband is drinking every night, that the husband might be an alcoholic.
Anyway, I think I’m exhausted on this topic – but also see that the back and forth helped me crystalized the problem (in my eyes) with treatment for us. It’s not of finding a good therapist who can help us heal from an abusive relationship. There are plenty. It’s a therapist who can help us identify, while we are still in it, or in the early stages of out, and in recovery, that it is/was an abusive relationship. That would be so helpful. And might save us a lot of pain.
Healing Heart:
Perfectly put.
When I was dissembling, my therapist got, as you put it “such a muddled and changing account of what happened”.
What I badly needed was him, at a minimum, to at least point out the inconsistencies in my story and to say “this is what I think you may be dealing with”. The last thing I needed to indulge in was a Freudian wallow trying to get a handle on what I was involved with.
YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!!
Rune, your comment about being the wounded straggler, easy prey for any passiing coyote rang a bell in me. That was such a good analogy on your part. I think many of us here have felt similar to that, I know I did. Let me say a “However” (that’s a “polite but”) LOL anyway, However, having been there or a similar situation, I do know that at least you are AWARE of your weakness and vulnerability, which is a great step forward in taking care of yourself.
Sure, it is a scary place to be, wondering where our next job is coming from, or where we are going to live. We are stripped down to the very basics. Dr. Viktor Frankl told about this in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” when he was on a train headed for the camps and he had a manuscript of a book he had almost finished. That MS (his last possession of importance as his home and family and friends were all gone) became the focus of his life, protecting that life’s work. When he got to the camp they took it and it was lost. He focused on it for years afterwards, getting scraps of toilet paper to rewrite portions of it so he would not forget them. All the while he was hungry, malnourished, cold, beaten, he focused on rewriting that MS. He eventually did rewrite it.
That focus on something outside of himself (yet inside too) I think may have been the thing that kept him going when he had, as he stated, “lost everything but my body and it was broken.”
A friend sent me a powerpoint forward today of photos of the coal miners from 1908, and the pictures made in the coal mines of young children doing dangerous and horrible manual labor. It made my heart bleed to see these children dirty and deprived of a childhood, virtually slaves for enough cornmeal to keep body and soul alive until pelegra and scurvy (vitimin deficiency) made them unable to work, or until they lost limbs or their lives in these dark hell holes in the earth.
There were also photos of people who had obviously been more prosperous living in tents in 1939, and photos of people living in the Tennessee hills dressed in potato sacks, with little children gathered around their legs dressed in rags literally tied around them, not even sewn.
Maslov’s hierachy takes on a whole new meaning when you think about these people and their basic needs, and ours. Sometimes when I think about these people and their basic needs for food and shelter not being satisfied and others here on LF who have lost everything completely and totally, I almost feel a “survivor’s guilt” that I at least have a stable roof over my head and an income, even if it is in the “poverty” level, it is enough….
I think about Muldoon and her fears of that dangerous sob that she is married to her stalking her, damaging property to keep her in fear of him (which I think is valid) and I can related to how I felt with the TH-P stalking me so that I had to run from my home, with no idea I would ever be able to return. How I hated to let go of that structural security of my 4 walls. But all that fear and uncertainty did make me count my blessings and to focus on how blessed I am. My health is again good, and I am back in my home and for the time being I am peaceful. I do know that no matter how “secure” we feel though, it can vanish in a moment if we pin our security on external things.
Rune I think you are doing better than you give yourself credit for. Sure, you still have some insecurities (and it woldn’t be normal if you didn’t) and yes, you may be “limping” and not able to flee from the predators, but you are aware of your wounds and are protecting yourself (by hiding from them if necessary) and my personal opinion is that you are STRONGER and more CUNNING than you might think. I have found that just like with the Cry of TOWANDA cunning and the wisdom we have can overcome a great deal of other things. I send you a BIG cyber ((((((hug)))))) and my prayers for your peace and healing. I think you are doing just great!!!