Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.” Names have been changed.
One of the most important undertaking in divorcing from a sociopath is to remain, at all times, factual during legal proceedings.
When I first entered my attorney’s office to tell her why I wanted a divorce, I was hysterical and incomprehensible. This was immediately after I had been arrested for Domestic Violence, and I was in a state of sheer panic and anxiety that I had never believed possible. I didn’t unload my “feelings” so much as the ugly facts about my action I had discovered that Kerby had not only been living a double-life since before we ever even met, but that his interests were so repellant that I was unable to process them. This was well before I discovered the forgeries and truths of how 300K vanished in 2 ½ years.
Remaining emotionally detached during legal proceedings is no simple task, especially when we’re divorcing from a sociopath. If there are children in common, anxiety, stress, and despair can be compounded to the point where we’re unable to do anything better than obsess about what the spath did, and continues to do. This becomes all-consuming and affects our employment positions, our personal interactions, and family dynamics.
Courts and Attorneys are not interested in how you “feel”
First and foremost, we must realize, understand, and accept this fact: attorneys are not counseling therapists. The Law deals in facts only, and an attorney is not interested in how their client “feels.” This is harsh and seems unreasonable, but it’s vital to understand that it is 100% true. Courts are not interested in how litigants “feel,” either. As harsh as it may sound, the Law cannot afford to engage in the emotional aspects of any given matter it simply can’t. So, having made this clear, anyone who is intending on divorcing from a sociopath should, without fail and across the board, seek strong counseling therapy with someone that “gets it” about what they experienced. The counselor will hear, identify, and assist in the emotional carnage and help the client move towards recovery. The attorney requires facts, only.
Get tested for STDs
If the spath had one or many affairs, get tested for STDs immediately, prior to filing your divorce. Every State (to my knowledge) provides punitive damages to be awarded for a spouse who received a STD from their philandering husband or wife. In some States, these damages cannot be bankrupted and can be very harsh. Additionally, collect all medical information that may be pertinent to your case with regard to disability and medical conditions.
Keep emotions out of your fact finding
Collecting information about the divorce can be a frustrating experience be prepared for this and separate the emotion from the processes. Gathering financial documentation, joint account information, personal credit reports, vital documentation (marriage certificates, etc.), and any physical evidence of malfeasance requires a very cool head. We cannot accomplish these tasks if we are running hot on emotion. We can become hysterical when a banking representative responds that we must pay $1 per page for transaction records, or when someone is short with us, or even if someone is kind to us. Get that emotion out of your system before making phone calls or walking into offices.
When the complaint is drafted for the divorce action, this document speaks specifically about why you are seeking a legal divorce, and what you will present to support this matter. Name-calling, insulting, and bashing are not allowed, although the spath’s attorney will likely resort to these tactics. These tactics may be abominable, but they have a purpose: to place the plaintiff on the defensive.
As an example, Kerby’s response to my complaint was that I was obese, lazy, and a “failed artist.” These words were intended to incite outrage and a strong emotional response. Because I was involved in counseling therapy, I was able to process this effort for what it was, and remain detached from the emotional outrage in counter-responses. This is not to say that these claims didn’t infuriate me, because the most certainly did! But, that outrage was addressed in counseling and not on the phone with my attorney.
Read over the complaint draft and make absolute certain that your attorney presents facts, only. No insults, no “feelings,” and no conjecture: facts, only. If the defendant (soon-to-be-ex) has failed to pay utilities, then make this clear without accusations or emotional rants and substantiate this claim with documentation. Make certain that your complaint says only what needs to be said, and nothing more. Make certain that all facts are accurate: dates, names, financial information, etc., all must be 100% accurate and supported with evidence.
Maintain control at all times in court
In the courtroom during hearings, there will be intense anxiety. It is unavoidable. Donna suggested that I express and release my anxiety, anger, rage, disappointment, despair, and grief BEFORE appearing in court in any healthy way that I was able to. This advice was priceless. Releasing the emotion prior to appearances prevents the emotions from spilling out in the courtroom. If necessary, speak to your physician about your anxiety and definitely keep your counseling therapist in the loop, at all times.
Courtroom outbursts are simply not allowed. Any emotional display, such as, “He’s LYING!” or, “She’s CRAZY!” will not, under any circumstances, win any points for you. Even rolling your eyes, sighing, or shaking your head in disgust is not going to do you any service. Quiet, reserved dignity is essential. Let the spath slip a cog and rant in the courtroom, but you are in control of your behaviors and you are not obligated to react to lies you have provided your attorney with the necessary documentation to prove your case, and that’s it.
Tell your attorney everything in advance so there are no surprises in court
Let your attorney do the talking, always, and make sure that you are both on the same proverbial page. Tell your attorney if there are issues that you do not want brought up and, specifically, why. He/she will be prepared to counter any sneak-attacks by the spath’s attorney. If there are issues of custody/visitation before the court, remain calm and factual. Accusations of bad parenting, etc., are not going to be entertained by the court. Only facts need be presented, and you will be keeping a factual log throughout these processes that will only contain dates, times, actions, and results. No emotional observations or accusations are allowed save the emotion for your counseling sessions.
Don’t discuss details with children or outsiders
If your legal matter involves children in common, keep the children out of all adult matters. I cannot stress this strongly enough. DISALLOW any discussion of what the other parent is, has done, is doing, or any child support discussions. You are not obligated to explain your actions to your children and a simple, “I’m not discussing these matters with you. They are between your mother/father and me, and regardless of our differences, we both still love you.” A spath parent in a divorce/custody/visitation matter is going to do everything within their power to force innocent children to choose sides. If you respond to your child’s demands to “know” everything, you’ll only be playing the same vicious games that the spath is playing, and this will only further damage the children. Counseling sessions for the children may be a very good option, as well.
Although we are compelled to do this, it is a personal imperative that we not discuss our divorce proceedings with others except our closest friends, family, and/or counseling therapist. Divorcing a sociopath is unlike any other drama/trauma that we’re equipped to process and “outsiders” will quickly either tire of our emotional state, or they’ll eagerly drink up the drama/trauma for their own purposes. Do not discuss details of your case with anyone other than your attorney and counselor. Well-meaning people will open their mouths at the most inopportune times to bring up your dirty laundry as a part of the human condition.
Know in advance what outcomes are possible
Finally, remember that you aren’t the first person to experience this and, sadly, you will not be the last. The Laws in most States in the U.S. maintain “no fault” divorce which means that nobody is held to be “at fault” for the collapse of a contract of marriage. Court involves “equitable distribution,” only, and it is imperative that you understand that you’re not going to be awarded punitive damages because he/she has slept with half of the town’s population, defrauded you of your personal finances, or any other misdeed or misconduct.
Nobody “wins” any divorce/custody/visitation matter except the representing attorneys. Be prepared for this fact and make sure that your attorney explains this to you, in detail. It is a very rare event that one party walks away with the whole kielbasa and the other party is left destitute when assets, incomes, and personal property are “distributed equitably.” It may not be “fair,” but it is a fact that will not be changed unless and until “No Fault Divorce” is either amended, or repealed.
The ultimate “win” will be to keep your self-respect in tact
Cool heads prevail in courtrooms, and it’s very easy to get caught up in the drama/trauma of it all. Spaths create such widespread carnage that we want everyone to understand and appreciate what was done to us. Divorce court is not the venue to accomplish this task, if there even is one that’s appropriate outside of counseling sessions and this blog site. Separating the emotion from facts will not only assist your attorney in preparing your case, but you will likely be amazed that your worst fears don’t manifest inside the courtroom after all is said and done. Keeping the emotion out of your legal matters will allow you to process the events and recover more quickly and with a sense of accomplishment, regardless of how your matter is settled.
Thanky you TS and MiLo, for your insight and encouraging words. I Need to get to the library, so I can print off some of this thread. I am no longer connected to the internet, and can only use my phone to read and post. Sooo very glad Lovefraud is here. Nobody i know of gets what has/is happening, and what it feels like. Best wishes to all 🙂
I appreciate this article because it helps us to see there are times,such as in the legal arena,when emotions simply ‘get in the way’.Emotions NEED TO BE EXPRESSED-but in the appropriate places,at the appropriate time.Timely reminder.
This article is perfect. I wish I had seen it before my divorce nightmare. I’d add one thing though. You must make sure you have a reputable and competent attorney. If you don’t, you will be “raped a second time” by the legal profession. That’s what happened to me. I hired a psychopath to help me divorce the psychopath I was married to, and because my lawyer was also a psychopath who didn’t give a rats ass about me or my kids it didn’t matter what I did right or wrong. I was doomed from the beginning. A psychopathic ex who was most likely represented by a psychopathic lawyer, and my own psychopathic lawyer as my only hope. What chance did I have? Fortunately God is bigger than any evil the spaths can throw my way and I ended up with my kids (thank God!) but financially I am ruined.
Good point lovingthem, about the attorney. Here are some things I learned the hard way.
1) hire an attorney who SPECIALIZES in whatever you are facing, divorce and/or custody. Make sure most, if not all his/her cases and experiences is in that field.
2) hire an attorney who PRIMARILY if not exclusively practices in the particular court you will be in. Same county, district where your case will be heard
3) research, ask questions, to see if the attorney you are hiring is well respected in the court and by the Magistrates/Judges that will be hearing your case
Yes, Milo. Those are wonderful tips for helping with hiring a lawyer. I missed it in all three areas. He did do divorces, but that was not his specialty and I have no idea if he was experienced in divorce with psychopathic spouses. He was not from my district and was virtually unknown by the judge. What a colossal failure on my part. I just hope and pray that I will be able to help someone else one day to not make the same mistakes I made. What’s done is done in my case, but plenty more women are suffering and will continue to suffer. Lord, help us to help them.
lovingthem ~
All my tips came from almost 9 years of custody hearings. I finally caught on with the 4th attorney (hopefully the last I will need). You are right, if we can just help someone else so they will not need to repeat our mistakes.
I found you can learn valuable information on Magistrates, Judges, GAL’s and Attorneys from the people on the fringe of the court. If you have an opportunity to look up records in the Clerk of Courts office, always be pleasant and respectful, maybe apologizing for putting them to so much trouble and saying thank you. You would not believe what I learned there, without even asking leading questions. I was looking up a motion that our GAL had filed, the clerk asked who our GAL was – I gave her name and the clerk replied, “Oh no, not that bit**” Ok, somehow I knew I was in trouble….. She then asked who our Magistrate was, I told her and she replied “Don’t believe what you may have heard, she is tough, but she is fair” …….. She then asked who our attorney was – I told her and she said “Perfect, he has gray hair and is known and respected by everyone here.” Now, I had to ask – gray hair ????? She said, “yes, your Magistrate only respects the older attorneys”
Wow !!! Oh, and she was right the GAL was a bit**. The Magistrate was fair and our attorney, gray hair and all was a totally respected professional and that is what saved us. And, this time, all the i’s were dotted and t’s were crossed, which is also of great importance.
Good article thank you.
I am about to embark on this journey, one facet was not covered and I’d like some help with this.
“express and release my anxiety, anger, rage, disappointment, despair, and grief BEFORE appearing in court in any healthy way that I was able to. This advice was priceless.”
How do I do this?
Speakout – To release your emotions, you need to allow yourself to feel them. That means you cry, moan, yell, pound your fists, stamp your feet – whatever you need to do to. This is not pretty, so it’s best done alone, or with a therapist who can help you. I think alone is best. You let it rip, feel the emotions until you feel a release.
You’ll probably have to do this multiple times. As you release some emotion, others will well up to take its place.
The key is not to bottle up your anger, disappointment, betrayal, etc. You don’t to explode at an inappropriate time or place – such as in court.
Speakout,
For sadness and grief: I had a pity-party ritual… Get a friend over (who knew what ‘pity party’ meant), put on a tearjerker movie (terms of Endearment, The Champ, any movie with which you never can keep your eyes dry, no matter how often you see it); a box of hankies to sniff in, a box of chocolate mouse or ice cream, and a bottle of something strong (not to empty it, but to get emotions flowing… and thus not bottling it up). I would do this on a friday night or so, and then just cry, and hug the friend, and they’d cry too… a literaly pity-party. (Note: I NEVER drink alone! It can be done without the alcohol too… And as I said, I used it for a glass to get the ball rolling, not to drown in it)
For anger: I fantasised throwing imaginary china plates at the ex. Every shattered plate stood for the release of a particular anger regarding a particular event. Since it was all imaginary, nobody could get hurt. I couldn’t actually do it physically, because I was recovering from a knee operation at the time. But you could get 2nd hand china and smash them to smithereens in a box in a garage. Or smash eggs to a wall, which you can hoze clean afterwards. The destruction of the plate or egg should symbolize something specific, and once it breaks it also means it’s been released and let go off. It’s smashed, so you can’t pick it up again and attack with it again. First there will seem to be no end to it. Every time you do it, there’s still an enormous amount of rage of stuff you hadn’t been angry about yet so far. But in time, it gradually lessens (took me about 2 months). Instead of a 2-daily, it becomes a weekly, and then every few weeks and eventually rarely.
The important thing is that you allot time and space for these feelings: you allow yourself to feel it… but because you plan it, private and appropriate times, it doesn’t harm others nor yourself. You’re not in control of the emotion, but you are in control about WHEN and HOW. And the last, but not least advantage it’s actually great fun!
Speakout, I’m sorry that you’re facing this ordeal, but you can make it through this process with dignity and courage.
Donna & Darwinsmom are spot-on. “Releasing” the emotion is vital because those feelings are REAL.
Seeking cousneling therapy doesn’t mean that there’s something “wrong” with us. It just means that we recognize that spath damage is WAY beyond the human ability to process.
Journaling is another good exercise in releasing the emotion. And, by “journaling,” I mean using a notebook and writing utensil to pour out everything in written word. The reason for using paper and pen instead of a computer or other technological device is that the simple ACT of putting my feelings on paper connects me – literally – to the words that I’m writing and the feelings that I’m expressing.
Brightest blessings of support and encouragement