CRON: Array ( [1553055015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553055315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553055615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553055915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553057115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553057415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553057715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553058000] => Array ( [woocommerce_scheduled_sales] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553058315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553058615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553058915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553059215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553059515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553059815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553060000] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553060115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553060415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553060715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553062215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553062515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553063115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553063415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553072415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553072715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553074215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553074815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553075415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553077515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553077815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553079015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553079915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553080515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553080815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553081115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553083215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553085915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553087115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553088315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553089215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553089515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553089815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553090115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553090715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553094615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553094915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553098515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553098815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553101215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553101515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( 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60 ) ) ) [1553125215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553125515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553125815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553127615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553127915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553136615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139915] => Array ( [seopressor_link_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553142015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553147115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553152815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154400] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553154615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160536] => Array ( [wpbdp_daily_events] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553160615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160950] => Array ( [wpbdp_listings_expiration_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553161061] => Array ( [_cron_zencache_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553161215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553161515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162344] => Array ( [wppa_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553162415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168235] => Array ( [seopressor_site_audit] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) [seopressor_daily_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553168415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168849] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-event-espresso-core-reg] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553169015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170637] => Array ( [simple_history/maybe_purge_db] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553170815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553174115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180821] => Array ( [yotuwp_cache_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553181315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553181615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553185215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186411] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_personal_data] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553186415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186421] => Array ( [woocommerce_tracker_send_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553186715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190375] => Array ( [delete_expired_transients] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553190615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553192415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553192715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193129] => Array ( [wpbdp_license_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553193315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195164] => Array ( [subscribe_reloaded_purge] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553195415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553196015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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60 ) ) ) [1553210415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553210715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553216115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553216415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553217015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553217315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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By | May 16, 2014 50 Comments

Faith After A Life With Sociopaths

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

When you’ve been entangled with sociopaths for a long period of time, few (if any) facets of your life are left untouched.   Becoming a person of faith has shown me how deeply my upbringing  has permeated my adult life.

My sociopathic parents controlled my every move – dictating when I could bathe, eat, or sleep, what I could read, who I could be friends with (if any), what music I could listen to, what I could watch on TV.  Depending on how volatile their mood was, I’d have to ask permission to speak.

In her book Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman states “The damage to the survivor’s faith and sense of community is particularly severe when the traumatic events themselves involve betrayal of important relationships.”  (page 55).   For children of sociopaths, this couldn’t be more true.  Our parents set the stage for how we view authority figures throughout the rest of our lives.

This has posed an enormous obstacle for me in my spiritual life.  Faith of any kind requires placing trust in an authority bigger than yourself.  I am a Christian, so my trust is in Christ.   And trusting anyone of power is  scary after you’ve been raised by sociopaths!

Decades of abuse and manipulation have left me feeling inherently “different” than other people.  I sometimes feel discouraged seeing other Christian women exude joy on a daily basis, unfettered by life’s adversities.  I see women who can work full-time, cook, clean, raise their children, read their Bibles,  attend church every week, volunteer at charitable organizations…….all with nary a complaint.  Then there’s…….. me.

I am naturally a skeptic.  When good things happen, I wait for the other shoe to drop.  I don’t look at a glass as half full or half empty, I look at the spots on the glass and feel like a failure for being such a lousy housekeeper.  I’m not good in social situations.  In fact, I prefer to avoid them altogether. On good nights I don’t have nightmares.  On good days I can make it until breakfast without my anger management skills being tested.   Then I feel like I’ve failed God for not being like the other women.

Then I beat myself silly trying to do everything right so God will be pleased with me, much in the same way I used to beat myself silly trying to please my parents.  Only, I know my parents were evil, and God is not.

So how does a person reconcile faith in a Higher Power with a life that’s been scrambled by a sociopath?  The answer is………I don’t know. Last week I had a discussion with a dear friend of mine about this.  She asked me, how is it that I didn’t grow up to be a hateful, manipulative person?  Logically, I should be.  I had no “healthy” role models at all.   But, by the grace of God, I didn’t.

I can’t explain how or why God works the way He does, but (to borrow Oprah’s quote), here are things I know for sure:

Going through hardship often gives us a softer heart for others who are hurting.  It allows us to relate to others in ways that other people can’t.  I am grateful for that.

I am grateful if I can comfort even one person by saying “I understand”, because they know I really do.

I am grateful my experiences have taught me resilience and resourcefulness.

Most of all, I know that God sees me as a whole, complete person when all I can see are the shards of destruction left behind by my parents.  I am definitely grateful for that.


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bluejay

Wendy,

I am a Christian also, being able to totally relate to your article. Having grown up in dysfunctional families, we are not “whole” people, having many scars on us. You’re doing the best that you can. I wish that we had come from healthier backgrounds, that we didn’t experience as much pain as we have. Life is a growing process and you’re still developing – we all are. Thank you for this article because it speaks to me, encouraging me.

Wendy – thank you for this piece. When it comes to spirituality after a sociopath, here’s what I believe: God does not want us to suffer.

Why, then, do we get tangled up with sociopaths to begin with? Why do they even exist?

I think it’s because we are all given free will. Unfortunately, some of us use our free will to become evil. Others of us buy into the claims of evil people that we were somehow responsible for their bad treatment of us. Or, for some other reason, we believe we are less than worthy.

In the end, we are all responsible for our own journey, and only our own journey. Those who have chosen evil will have a miserable journey for a long time.

But those of us who have just brushed against evil can learn from the experience, and realize, through healing, that it is our birthright to feel happy and fulfilled. That is the objective of our journey – to really understand and live this on a very deep level.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

This is such a lovely post Donna.

I had a lot of help on my road to recovery. One such moment was when my pastor was giving a sermon and said, “God did not put you on this earth to live in continuous abuse.” It struck me that was TRUTH.

And I have to say, it was re-attaching to my faith that helped take me from being defined by him (my now ex husband) to remembering that I was worthy because I am a child of GOD.

HopingToHeal

Wendy,
What a profound revealing of such a personal emotion. I appreciate your honesty about something that’s difficult to admit. Its so understandable with your life experiences. I would assume that all of us of faith question our relationship with God when we face such significant turmoil and pain.

I know I thought I had lost my faith altogether when first facing my husbands “sex addiction” and subsequent betrayals. I lost the life, family and future I had planned. I knew my own heart and that I had the best intentions to serve God and be faithful. My children were raised in a home where I taught them about the love of Jesus. I try to treat others with respect and compassion. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around why God would allow such evil to penetrate and destroy my family. I was so mad!!,

I grew to understand that God was working with a bigger plan than my little brain could handle. He knew that one day down the road, someone would need to hear the story of how I was pushed to the edge of hell, but God held onto me and wouldn’t allow me to be sucked in. He has saved me all over again. Because of this hell of an experience, I can face, with confidence, so much more than was once possible

I was a church girl, as you described. I’m ashamed to say that if a prostitute had come to me and shared her story and wanted money, I would have been kind and polite. I would have never let her know how much her lifestyle was judged, but would have pushed her to change and find a new life. I would have told her about the love of Jesus and would have helped her but I would have thought that she was shameful.

Today, if that same prostitute approached me, my heart would break. I would see her as a precious soul that had been used and abused by men who had no value for her life. I would know that somewhere, someone had stolen her soul in return for feigned love. I would not judge her. I would love her.

Wendy, your words describe the same change in you. True empathy comes with shared experiences. We’ve experienced life with the least holy people on earth. What situation could arise that we could not identify with? I choose to believe that God allows the worst to happen to His strongest people. Then He takes that pain and turns it into compassion and empathy.

The devil is a thief that comes to Steal, kill and destroy.. What better way to fight this evil agenda than to take those that Satan has destroyed and bring them to a place of compassion. Because of our restoration, we become the greatest messengers of hope, faith and Gods love.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself of all of these positive changes my heart has made. Changes the wouldn’t have happened if I had not had the Spath experience. I would never have chosen this for myself or my kids, but we are better people because of it. For Gods plan was better than mine.

Romans 5:1-6.
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Thank You HopingtoHeal.
Your words are like salve to my heart. I escaped the misery of a sociopath and am now trying to find peace with the unraveling of my relationship with one of my children, my most precious daughter. All the sites blame the parent, esp the mom, for how the kids turn out. It’s hard to find answers, or solutions, I find only blame, or at the kindest, silence. I had had such a heavy heart these last months.
Thank you for your post, and I really really thank you for Romans 5:1-6. I have copied that to keep at my bedside, to comfort me with that reminder, instead of crying myself to sleep or waking up with tears.

Stargazer

Wendy, I enjoy your articles and find many things I relate to. I have also struggled my entire life with the concept of a “God” who is some sort of ulterior being who is like a kind, benevolent father. I have never known a kind, benevolent father. “God” has often seemed like someone who is around sometimes but then disappears a lot of the time before abandoning me completely. Like my biological father. Now I was born Jewish to two Jewish parents, so I was never a Christian to begin with. And I was never a devout Jew either. I did not find a spiritual path until I was in my 20’s. The pain in my life led me there. To me, spirituality has to do with a state of being awakened to our true nature and our ability to choose our life experiences. In my belief, it has little to do with religion, although I believe religion can point to that experience.

So I will be controversial and say that I don’t feel that allegiance to a higher power is essential to a person’s well being. But I do believe we can choose to exist in a state of grace and love. We can choose this every moment we’re alive. I don’t think we need an intermediary. I don’t think we even need to pray for it. I think we can just BE it.

What has helped me the most is to learn that in spite of my bad parenting, I can be my own parent. I can love myself. I actually hug myself and sit down and listen to the scared little child inside. I comfort her and tell her it will be okay. Where do these parenting skills come from? Where does this love come from? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter to me. But I feel we all (if we are not sociopaths) have the capacity for love and it is something we can just choose whenever we want. We need to remember to give it to ourselves first and foremost.

Stargazer

Wendy, no, there was not one adult ever while I was growing up who cared about me. No teachers, no school counselors, not even my own sister, who was traumatized even worse than me and became very withdrawn…..we moved a lot, so I was even constantly uprooted from friends. It was a total nightmare for me.

I left home to go to college at 16 (I put myself through college BTW). I ended up with a Psych major. During my junior year, I took a class called Humanistic and Transpersonal Psych. We read Ram Dass “Be Here Now” and similar types of books. This class changed the course of my life. I learned the concept of personal responsibility. I ended up in grad school in San Francisco where I could pursue a masters in Transpersonal Psychology. While in school, I was introduced to a form of Buddhist meditation. I did a 10-day retreat, funded by a wealthy friend/classmate, which also changed the course of my life. I ended up dropping out of school for various reasons and going through a dark night of the soul for many years. I battled with depression and isolation. I applied for SSI disability but was denied. I struggled with poverty and dysfunctional relationships for many years. Another turning point came when I was about 33. I was living with a pedophile and doing temp work for little money, because this was all I knew how to do. I didn’t know at the time what he was, but I knew it was not a good situation. One day he threw one of my cats across the room. I knew I had to do something, but what? I prayed and prayed to a God I didn’t really believe in. I asked what talent I had that could make me a lot of money in a short time. The answer came to me that if I could have the right attitude and protect myself psychologically, I could be a stripper doing house calls. This is what I did part time for 2 years. After the first 3 months, I bought a condo, remodeled the condo, bought a car, and paid it off. I finally got my financial independence. That job was my mother and father for 2 years. It helped me break free of my pattern of depending on men. When I quit, I just walked out one day and never went back.

Even though my life had been hard, I never forgot the the state I found through meditation. Doing this kind of mindfulness meditation, which is really just practicing being in the present moment, is like putting money in the bank. Only instead of money, you accrue various qualities like peacefulness, wisdom, and compassion. Those things never go away. I had those things no matter what. It still took many years, however, to learn how to use those qualities to pull me out of my depression. But I did – one step at a time. And ironically, now that I am in my 50’s, dance has saved my life again!

I have found various healers along the way who have helped me with my journey for very short times. And I found a lot of bad therapists, some of whom betrayed me and traumatized me. But those meditation retreats I did in my 20’s always remained a part of me. Over the years I have focused more and more on what I learned during that time. This helped me to become a different person than I would have become, given my abusive upbringing. It really changed the course of my life, and I believe it was some sort of destiny.

But to answer your question, most of what I’ve done, I’ve done alone. There is a point in your healing where, even though you are doing it on your own, there are many many teachers who come into your life to help you on your way. This site was one of them. We are never really alone. We are connected to everyone around us. It sometimes just takes a lot of healing to recognize that and to be able to accept and utilize the help. At least it did for me.

Wow Stargazer – what a story! Proof that there are many paths forward, and unconventional ones can work. Thank you for sharing.

Stargazer

Wendy, I wanted to add that when I got to a certain phase of my healing – I can’t remember when this was – the speed of healing accelerated. Even when I have really low points in my life, when I bounce back, I am generally pretty happy and excited about life. I never thought I would ever be this way, especially at 53. When I was in my 20’s, I thought I would have committed suicide by the time I reached 40.

The most recent low point was in February when a guy I really liked just disappeared. I hadn’t slept with him, but we started to become intimate. He had worked hard to get my attention, and he seemed to really like me. Once I started falling for him, he faded out. I did not chase him. I have had a lot of abandonment in my life, and this felt like the last straw. I went to a very low place and was very depressed. What snapped me out of the obsessing was reading something about not trusting a guy who even lied about his age. This guy lied about his age on the dating site, like many other men on that site. His explanation was that when he uses his real age, the computer matches him up with old and matronly women. He is in his 50’s like me, and he and I are both very youthful. I wasn’t thrilled about his explanation, but I accepted it. When I read the article about not trusting a guy who even lies about his age, I snapped out of the obsessing. I realized that deep down I knew this guy was a liar, but I accepted it. He was not a good person to begin with. In fact, in retrospect, he’s probably a narcissist. It was nothing I did to scare him off. He is just not relationship material. As soon as I realized this, I was able to take responsibility for creating this pain in my own life through accepting a liar into my life. I vowed not to ever do that again. Lesson learned, and now I can move on. Once I let go, my happiness and joy returned.

Hang in there, Wendy. You never know what circumstance or moment of grace will be your turning point. Your parents abused you horribly, in some ways much worse than mine. But there are kind and gentle people out there who can, will, and probably already do love you. I know I personally care so much about the people on here whom I’ve blogged with. I send my love out all the time. Love is everywhere, awaiting a moment of opening when you can experience it.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Stargazer
Your reply has an extra valuable nugget in it. You provide an example of how healing comes. You share how you “read the article about not trusting a guy who even lies about his age.” and that spoke to your subconscious.

For a long time, I wondered what was wrong with me. I knew the truth, but my heart would not accept it. I wondered was I that pathetic, that I’d rather hold to the pain than move towards healing? I condemned and blamed myself so much, maybe I was like they said, unable to let go, refusing to move on.

Then it happened. I heard the message that was MY KEY. It made sense to me, and I was able to finally feel free from him, actually free from my birth family too.

We can all give advice, give support, give examples of what worked for us. The reason we need everyone’s replies is because we, the injured, don’t know which key will fit and unlock our path to healing. I do know, it’s a very small key, or for me, LOTS of very small keys (thus why it took me forever for it to sink into my thick skull).

For me, it took realizing that he really is a predator, all his behaviors are that of a predator. He was predictable (in hindsight) because he is a predator. I knew my birth family was all predators. I could not give them enough, because predators are never satisfied. They feed for the moment, and then need to feed again.

Why we are different from our horrible birth family members:
It’s Because we yearn to connect, not for stuff, but for sharing, for love. As Brene Brown says, “the desire for connection is universal. The only ones who can not connect are sociopaths.”

I just had to thank you for your example because it shows the courtship, the AliceinWonderland disconnect, and your realization process, all in short order. Easy to understand example, and thus, very powerful.

And… you show how even a seemingly innocuous lie is a red flag. When meeting new people, there’s a difference between presenting our best selves versus having no remorse about a bold faced lie.

Stargazer

Dear NotWhatHeSaidofMe: You are so right! You never know what you will read or hear that will change the course of your life or just help you on your path. I’m so glad my story was useful. I was pretty ashamed at the time that I let my boundaries slip to accept a guy lying about his age. Granted, he didn’t lie to me. I had met him 3 years prior, and I knew how old he was. But when I saw his profile 3 years later on the dating site, I saw it was 7 years off. Of course if he hadn’t disappeared, we might still be together, but I’m not sure if I could have completely trusted him anyway. The chemistry was really strong with him, and we matched up in a lot of ways, particularly since he was incredibly intelligent and very musical. I held onto that for a while too, thinking I wouldn’t find someone I would match up with like that again. And maybe I won’t but I don’t care anymore. There was another red flag I ignored, too. We were drinking wine at my house one evening which he had brought over. When he was leaving he asked if I had a plastic cup. He wanted to pour the rest of the wine into the cup and take it home! An open container in the car. That was a big red flag to me. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s an alcoholic, too.

For several months I obsessed. I wondered what I would say to him if he ever called me again. Now I know exactly what I would say. Nothing. He is not relationship material. Even with all the other red flags not there, I would never take someone back who abandoned me with no explanation. I have a friend who did take a guy back who had abandoned her like that. He had all kinds of excuses about why he had done it. And guess what? Yep, you guessed it. After about a year, he abandoned her again. People can change their behaviors. But they usually don’t change their character.

slimone

Hi Everyone!

Oh My gosh, this thread is so inspiring! Thank-you Wendy, for your courage to express yourself and share a piece of your awakening that is tripping you up. Thanks to HopingtoHeal, Notwhathesaidofme, and Stargazer for some totally illuminating follow up. I relate so much, to all of it.

It is interesting for me as someone who has been kind of on the farther side of my healing journey to continue to experience uplift and joy, and new insights into my own process by continuing to come here and ‘see’ people’s stories (and help where I can). It still amazes me, this power of sharing/empathizing, and still having deeper and deeper ‘aha!’ moments.

Cheers to all of us!!!!!!!

Slim

Stargazer

Oh, I wanted to add another piece about the process of healing for me in case this might be useful to anyone.

I mentioned feel-good endorphins. The reason they are important…….when I was going through the dark night of the soul as I call it, I would get stuck in depression a lot and stay stuck, often feeling hopeless about ever recovering. But whenever I would do something that made me feel good, if I started to feel happy and light-hearted, BOOM, a wave of rage or grief would come up. It’s almost as if God said to me, “Okay, you’re doing well today. I think you’re ready to handle the next round.” The repressed emotions would come up in waves when I would feel good. If I had endorphins coursing through my system, then I had the stamina and right attitude to process the emotions, rather than shove them back down. When rage would come up, I use to hit pillows and yell at whoever I was angry at (usually my mother). I couldn’t make a lot of noise in my little condo, but I used to pet sit for a couple that had a big quiet house. I would scream in their living room and hit their pillows. (They are none the wiser about it.)

I used to wonder….will this emotional stuff ever stop? Will there ever be an end to it? It got to a point where if I started feeling happy, I braced myself because I knew that soon I’d be feeling angry or sad or fearful again. I eventually stopped resisting it and just learned to accept my feelings, whatever they were. I also learned to have gratitude for being able to finally feel all of these feelings. I was not allowed to even feel them when I was a child. I would feel so grateful that I could cry or get mad. I felt like a normal human being. The gratitude gave me more endorphins. It helped fill the space that was created when some of the rage left.

Somehow, over time, the strong waves of anger and pain started to subside, except when they would get triggered by certain events (usually involving relationships). Now I can feel happy for many days on end without getting triggered by anything. It’s really pretty amazing. I have surrounded myself by other happy people. Many of them have also worked hard for their happiness, and they inspire me. This whole weekend was one of the happiest weekends of my life. And there was no romance or oxytocin involved. Just a typical weekend of dancing, going to karaoke, hanging out with my friends, teaching dance, working out, watching movies, and cleaning. I was blissfully happy throughout most of it. And whereas before, I had a hard time crying, now I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel a lot of gratitude these days, and I express it to the people in my life. I tell them how grateful I am to have them, and usually we both get teary-eyed. This is a daily occurrence for me. I have come to believe that this is what is there when all the rage and grief have been processed out.

I still have one small area in my life (one remaining relationship) that I haven’t processed yet – at least this is all I’m aware of that I need to work on. Other than that, I feel pretty clear today. I never thought it would ever happen. Ever. If I can recover, ANYONE can.

HopingToHeal

Stargazer,
Thanks for sharing the process you’ve gone through with the rage. Like always, it is saddening and maddening to hear of another’s abuse. I’m sorry for you. But every little tidbit of info helps me,and others recognize the stages we are in and realize it’s normal.

I’m not nearly as franklin gas you. In just can’t get mad.n I have fleeting times of anger but it’s just not sticking. Right now, I’m in a stage where the slightest trigger puts me in to a panic attack. My heart beats fast and I become flushed all over. I have this awful feeling of impending doom. These attacked come quite often. I’ve read about PTSD and think that’s probably what I’m dealing with.

I guess some of the stages of this recovery just have to play themselves out. When I’m doing all I can do to move forward and still having a physical reaction, I don’t know much more I can do. My doctor gave me some meds, but medication just can’t override the trauma. Pushing forward, no matter how I feel is what I choose to do.

Did you ever have physical reactions like this?

Stargazer

Dear Hoping, Yes. I did have a lot of panic attacks at one time. In fact every time a wave of emotion would come up, it was usually preceded by a lot of anxiety. For many years, I had so much of this that it was difficult to manage. I had a hard time at work sometimes, depending what kind of jobs I had. Often I’d go to work at my minimum wage job triggered the whole day. I’d hold it together, then go sit in my room and process feelings.

I cannot say that what worked for me will work for everyone. There are many technologies out there for dealing with PTSD. I could not have afforded any of them at the time. But I learned how to meditate, as I mentioned, very early on. So I would sit very quietly in a safe room and just open up to the feelings. With panic, of course the thing you feel is fear. So I would sit and feel the fear. I would go inside and feel where it was in my body. Often it would bubble up and sit in my throat and I would start to shake. So I would just let myself shake. I would open up my throat and soften my upper jaw so the energy could pass. Sometimes I would comfort myself, saying “It’s okay, I’m here for you.” Often, after the fear started to pass, anger would come up. Then I realized I had been afraid to be angry. So I would just feel the anger. I would have imaginary conversations or hit something or whatever the rage needed to do to be expressed. This was the hardest part for me. I have had such a hard time with rage. I would usually sit and hold it in until it turned back into depression. I did this for years. I finally had to tell myself that I deserved to get it out of my body. After the rage was gone, grief would come up. Once I sobbed or cried, that wave of it was gone. And I would feel a little lighter.

Over the years I would periodically check out various healers if I saw an ad. I stumbled upon to one up in the mountains. I went to see him. As I was talking to him in a very low tone of voice, he intuited what I needed. He gave me a soft rubber bat and directed me to stand at the head of a massage table and hit the table. It felt awkward. But as I did it, a lot of anger came out. It was just the tip of the iceberg. I could never afford to see the guy again.

Years later, I found another guy who did anger release work. He had once been featured on the news, talking about why people go through years of therapy and never get better – because they have a lot of rage from childhood that never got released. I went to see him. He directed me into a quiet room with a large bed. He told me to lie on my back and kick and scream “Fuck you” or something like that – I forget the exact words. Lo and behold, more rage poured out of me. I still felt like I had a long way to go, but I couldn’t afford to see him again either. I had to figure out how to do it on my own.

I will also tell you that in the middle of the dark night of the soul, I applied for SSI disability. I got denied. I think that was the best thing that ever happened to me because I learned to rely on myself to help myself.

I still get panic attacks from time to time. When I started salsa classes, I would often get anxiety attacks before going to class. I won’t go into the details of why. But I forced myself to go anyway. I persisted with classes in spite of my depression. And I had to eventually cut some of the salsa people out of my life who didn’t have my best interests in mind. When I did that, the panic attacks got less. But I still occasionally get them if I go to certain dance clubs where I know the harmful people will be. It’s usually empowering just to go anyway and face the fears, if I really want to dance at that club. But I’ve also cultivated relationships at other clubs in other towns so I don’t have to constantly force myself to confront unsafe people.

lipstick1961

Hi Stargazer.

I’m new to lovefraud, and very thankful I came across the site. I left my sociopathic boyfriend 11 days ago NC! It took me 4 years of an on and off relationship with him to realize he is a full blown sociopath. I too have embarked on meditation, laws of attraction pretty much anything to full my mind and heart with positive energy.
I’m hoping you may be able to explain the panic attacks yes you are right it is fear, but of what? I think when I left him I expected to feel free (which I do sometimes) I don’t know where this fear is coming from. I’ve never had them before and now I have them almost everyday the uncontrollable shaking and not able to catch my breath.
Any insight you may be able to shed would be appreciated

Stargazer

Hi lipstick. Welcome to the site. I hope you know that I’m not a therapist, so I cannot advise you on the best way for you to work with panic attacks. Different things work for different people. And I cannot tell you what you are afraid of, unfortunately. But if you are working with it through meditation, then your question, “what am I afraid of?” is a beautiful starting point. Here are some pointers for working with fear on your own, assuming you have a safe and quiet place to meditate:

First, do not push it away. Accept it. It is there for a reason and it is telling you something. I’m not sure how to describe this to you……but there is a certain kind of posture you can take that is open and accepting, and even loving of the fear. Softening your jaw, breathing into it, sending love to the fear – it is a part of you. Approach it with an investigative quality, rather than aversion and hate and more fear. Pretend you are opening a Xmas package. You don’t know what it is and you are seeing it for the first time with your inner eyes. Don’t have any agenda that it should go away. Just investigate it with your awareness. In this way, you can find out what it’s about and why it’s there. If you try this repeatedly and don’t feel any energy shifting, this may not be what you need right now. You may need to do something physical or try another technique. There are forms of meditation that ground you through your feet – actually imagining you are sending grounding chords through your feet into the center of the earth. This helps with fear because it keeps you grounded until the source of the fear is revealed.

Another way you can approach the fear is to imagine that the part of you who is afraid is a young child. You can comfort that child and tell her you are there for her, and that it’s going to be okay. This method actually does work. I actually do this. I even hug and hold myself and hug stuffed animals when I’m feeling very scared. You can ask her what she is scared of and then wait for her response. She will tell you.

Often when people start meditating, they notice a lot of fear. That is because a natural result of meditating is to strip away the defenses (ego) we all employ that protect us from our deeper feelings. That can be pretty scary because without those defenses, we often don’t know who we are.

If you are drawn to this practice, I highly recommend you read Eckhart Tolle’s books, “The Power of Now” and “The New Earth”. This will help tremendously in working with your pain from a different perspective.

Notice I did not say you have PTSD or try to label what you are going through. That is because if you want to work with it through meditation, the labels are counterproductive. The only labels you want are to label your direct experience, i.e., know what you are feeling.

lipstick1961

Hi Stargazer, thank you so much for your insight and kindness. Everything you said about meditation is absolutely dead on. Its a strange feeling to feel things one has not felt before or acknowledged feeling. I’ve been finding my meditation works on the treadmill, just as you said feet firmly planted into the center of the earth while pounding my anger out in a safe environment.
Interestingly, I am reading The Power of Now, It is a brilliant book. I find myself going from anger/pain for many reasons to excitement for a non-abusive life. I’m 52 and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d allow a person like him into my life, I’m sure all the women on here are saying the same thing.
Peace and love to everyone healing from the aftermath of a sociopath.

Stargazer

Lipstick, it is I who must thank you, because it’s so rare I have the opportunity to discuss meditation practice with anyone, and I meet few people who do it. Thank you – it raises my energy to discuss the path I’ve taken. I think the treadmill is a splendid place to meditate! Personally, I do a lot of meditation soaking in the bathtub. The feel of the water is very grounding, and feelings seem to come up much more easily there. I hope to hear from you again and to hear how you are progressing with the panic attacks. I’m having a Cellular Release session with a therapist next month to clear a particular issue that I’ve had trouble clearing on my own. I will report back on how it works.

BTW, various types of energy work are great for anxiety, too. Reiki and acupuncture are both great for anxiety.

HopingToHeal

Stargazer,
That’s very insightful and helpful. I know I do have balled up rage. For years, when I would discuss my life issues with someone, they would always say how sorry they were for me. My response was always the same “It’s ok. People go through many more trying times than this”. I made myself think that nothing was ever a big deal. No matter how awful it was.

I taught myself not to acknowledge the pain because it was too much for me. When my first husband left physically abused me and then left me with three little babies to raise with a below poverty level salary, I made myself go on by saying “it’s ok.” When my grandson died,mi grieved but I repeated the words “It’s ok. He’s not sick anymore and I’ll be fine”. And every horrible experience with my husband, the total crazy manipulative abusive life, I said “it’s ok. I’ll be ok.”

Reading you words, I had an AHA moment. I deny the truth and take whatever I’m given. I don’t allow myself to feel angry. I guess that’s why sometimes, I blow up over little things that are insignificant. There’s so much madness inside of me, and I haven’t respected myself enough to validate my own feelings. When my family and friends get mad at my husband and express anger, I listen and do feel like they are so justified in their feelings, but I never get to that point myself. I push it down and become more and more yuck and confused.

A doormat, that’s what I am. That’s where I need to work on myself. I need to get angry and release the frustration of the hell I’m in. I’m going to work on that. Thank you, thank you! Your wise words have helped me.

Stargazer

Dear Hoping,

I just wanted to tweak what I said a little. The trick is not to make yourself feel angry. The key is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. It may be something besides anger. It helps if you actually budget the time just for sitting in a quiet room and going inside. See if you can put a label on what you are feeling. If you can’t, just feel what it feels like on the inside. Breathe into it. Is there a place you are holding your breath? What does it feel like? Eventually, you may be able to name the feeling. It may be fear or sorrow. It’s great if you can identify the fear and why it’s there. For instance, “I was afraid to speak up at work today.” This can be the tricky part – speaking up, if you’re not used to being assertive. Because if you have a stockpile of anger, when you first start speaking up, it can come out as attacking. There is an art to speaking up without harming the other person, and it is a learned form of communication. Learning how to communicate goes hand in hand with doing your inner work through meditation. However, for the purposes of the meditation in your quiet safe place outside of work, you can actually allow the feeling to bubble up. Treat it as though it were a new discovery and you are looking at it for the first time, with your inner flashlight turned onto it. It’s actually quite fascinating. You may be able to process out the entire complex of feelings (fear, anger, betrayal, etc.) during your meditation. Then you won’t feel so much anger at the co-worker or boss. It may have resolved itself.

Again, it’s an art trying to figure out if the person who triggers your anxiety or anger is an unsafe person – or if they are just triggering an old situation. If I don’t know, I usually give the person the benefit of the doubt when I talk to them. I tell them that I reacted with anger to their behavior. I own my own anger and I don’t dump it on them. I describe their behavior only, but I make it clear that I respect them as a person. Eventually, when you are clearer, you will understand other’s motives behind their unskillful behaviors. Usually it is due to some hurt they are acting from that they are unaware of.

Many therapists will charge you a lot of money just to go through the same guided meditation process with you. They will ask you to close your eyes and go inside and describe what the feeling feels like. Does it have a color? What size is it? Where in your body do you feel it? These questions are designed to help you go inside and examine your feelings. This is a must if you want to recover!

FYI, it is possible to do this process yourself if you know how. This is basically the meditation process.

HopingToHeal

Thanks Star. I am reading some online meditation directions too. Your insight and step by step processing is very helpful. I’m really trying to heal. I see that after many months of trying, I still have so many of the same feelings as Taralv. I’m so sad and hurt that he did me this way. And I don’t want to just say that “It’s ok”. Hopefully this meditation will help. Thank you so much!

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Dear HopingtoHeal
I just wrote a post on another thread, that for myself, I never did feel rage or anger. But I did feel overwhelming, deep hurt and sadness. I cried so much that I had constant sinus infections. I thought I’d never stop crying.

I read someone’s post about laughter. (Stargazer?) I think that is part of what helped me stop crying. I distracted myself. I stopped watching any shows or news or movies that were sad, or had war, or sad endings. I didn’t need any more grief or sadness. I watched British Comedy’s, and funny or weird, I watched the old Andy Griffith series, with Opie.

I so esp like Stargazer’s counseling. We are NORMAL. Whatever you are feeling… is normal. (Conversely, Sociopath don’t feel and hide it, we know that’s dysfunctional to the max)

I did also follow some advice about sitting and feeling the feeling. I read that sometimes pain is because we are not processing it, we are retaining it. So, I learned to sit, and take inventory of what I was actually feeling, in my muscles, my stomach, my heart, my legs, my skin, my breathing, etc etc. I didn’t judge it. I took notice. And then I also became VERY tactile. I NEEDED soft blankets, high thread count sheets, bath towels dried on the line. And little by little, I FELT physically, and I noticed my physical feelings when ever I felt emotions. ANd I learned to pamper my physical feelings, so that my emotions feel nurtured as well.

Does that sound weird? I am sure it does. But I have learned that a lot of what I did to process, such as listening and noticing my body’s response, is actually in mind/body/soul healing books. I just took the long route! LOL! Yep YEARS!

A lot of us, me included, spent a lot of time blaming myself for why he did that to me, that somehow I was so unlovable and incompetent that I couldn’t keep the love of a man. I Learned and I am sure you know, that’s HOGWASH.

It’s why self care is so important. We’ve forgotten that somehow. We’ve forgotten to give ourselves real self care, as if that meant we are selfish? Selfcare is not selfish. It’s nurturing and necessary. I found a lot of healing doing just that. I just wanted to echo Stargazer’s post, there’s profound wisdom there.

Stargazer

DearNotWhatHeSaid: I love the way you are getting in touch with your body. As a massage therapist, I feel this is the greatest gift I give people – to help them get in touch with their bodies. “The issues are in the tissues.” I saw this bumpersticker once. And it’s true!

I wanted to add that if you’ve been with a sociopath for many years, it wasn’t SAFE to feel your feelings. And if you grew up with narcissists and sociopaths (as I did), then you may have an even tougher time. It’s all okay. You need to feel safe. That’s why it helps to keep your endorphins high. Laughing and smiling and the high from exercising can cut a direct path through your defenses directly to the feelings. So can music. Music can be really powerful in evoking feelings.

Stargazer

Dear Hoping, it is completely normal to feel sad about how you’ve been hurt. Good for you for feeling it. Allow yourself to feel sad. You don’t need to try to hide it or minimize it. Three things will happen if you allow yourself to feel it fully. It will get worse; it will go away; or it will stay the same. Your task is just to feel it without judging or pushing yourself to be different.

It’s really NOT okay that he did this to you. He is an asshole of the highest degree. You did not deserve being abused like that. And whatever you feel now is okay and it is normal. The obsessing is normal. Missing him is normal. It’s all normal. You will get through it.

Babs94540

I’m struggling with this whole issue myself, and have been for about the last 10 years or so. Right now I’m tending toward feeling that religions in general (all the religions of the world’s history up to the present) are just sweet fantasies we human beings tell ourselves to keep the fear of our own mortality at bay and give us a sense of (or the illusion of) control over the chaos of existence… although about half the time I tend to *wish* it was real, so I guess I’m an agngostic. But I think you’re right in that being raised by abusive parents (particularly the spathier types) makes one hesitant to trust… at all. Hesitant to trust anyone or anything.

Thanks for the thought-provoking article; this question of faith is something I will continue to ponder for a long time.

Barb

Well worded. I can identify with every sentence. And I love the world ‘scrambled’. That is exactly how it felt. My parents to a “T”. Everything you emphasized happened to me. It is everywhere.
I am left trying to deal with five siblings who do not want to know or talk about it. And being with them is a jarring and very disturbing experience. The oldest sib just wants to ‘keep it all going’, and my husband and I do not want to take part in the ‘charade parade’ that they live in. Keeping up appearances. Denial.
My words may hit a chord from time to time but it is dropped thereafter without further discussion or any attempt at resolution. I ditched my therapist too. I have had troubles with therapists for many reasons. This babe told me, ‘You can’t change your sister at her age’…duh…I know I can’t but I am here to express my rage and resolve some of the PTSD?

Heartbroken Mom of 1

I know for a fact that if I did not have the Lord Jesus in my life, I would probably be in a strait-jacket in some insane assylum by now! I never imagined that my only child-my son-would become what he is today. The dreams of always being close and someday not only loving, caring and being a big part of his life but also his wife’s and children’s life, have been shattered.

My Lord Jesus has kept me sane because HE never changes in an ever-changing world (Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever!), HE will never forsake nor leave us! Others will fail us and desert us, but the Lord Jesus (God Himself in the flesh!) will never!

I just know that He is the one who has filled that “void”, that “empty hole” in my heart that only a loss of a child can bring.

Does the deep emotional pain ever completely go away? No, we are human with deep emotions and feelings. I can actually tell you what it feels like to have a broken heart-there is such a thing. BUT, I have Someone to run to every minute of my life when I need to and I know He is there to take me in His loving arms and comfort me.

No human being has the power to heal…Only the Lord God.

shelby333

Dear Babs 94540. I am right where you are. Being Catholic and raised with God in my life feels sort of vacuous and empty. I actually have felt abandoned by God and tried to take it on myself. But, I just started Al-Anon and have had 2 meetings this week. You may want to try it as they refer to the Higher Power, but the relief knowing that there were other women who had issues as well and some of them were issues that I am dealing with. Of course, this is not directed toward the recovery of a sociopath, but a recovery of ourselves. One that I am fighting right now.

For 2 1/2 years I was NC. Then just last week he popped up and I bit the bullet. In about 3 text messages, he messed with my head and in the end I lost my temper, and my good sense. His gloating and making me feel like a piece of crap and I let him in – JUST so he could remind me of what a loser I really was and not good enough for him.

I sought revenge and it may, or may not, return to bite me. But, I chose the low road, one of no class, and tried to sabotage him.

The damage has been done, not so much to him, as these guys are like invisible – they just keep doing what they do until they die.

But, I am paying for stooping so low as to think I could really do any type of damage to Teflon-man.

I wish you well and hope that you can gain hope. At times it seems so hard, but the support here is so overwhelming and please know that you are not alone.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

shelby333
I want to help you with some truth, and hope you will re-write the words spoken over yourself:

You will NEVER be a loser. You are what people define as FULLY human. You have the desire to connect, the ability to love, and the heart to feel remorse.

HIS character makes him HALF a man, and HALF will ALWAYS equal LOSER. My ex husband is doing what he’s always done, too. I got to tell him that “I didn’t ever have to seek vengeance because he would do it for me, just by being himself”. Sometimes I say things that turn out to be exactly right. That was one of them. Let’s speak those words over your Teflon-man. I think they’ll stick because He just can’t stop himself.

Otherwise, I’m Sorry you lost it. Don’t blame you a bit. Hope it’s just a reminder for you and no further consequences than that. Take a lesson from it, and give yourself grace.

lipstick1961

Hi Shelby333

You are not alone, I did the same thing as you . After our first break up I let him back into my life, at the time I did not know what a sociopath was I thought he was just a very selfish human being. He told me he had changed and after a year I realized it was all a lie as he couldn’t keep his lies straight and it was me who was the idiot for not listening and screwing things up in my head etc etc. I thought I was going insane. I was so angry (still am) and wanted revenge and it blew up in my face. He told people I was having an affair, that I’m emotionally unstable, he turned everything he is into it being me. I then learned what a sociopath is. He nearly ruined me. You find out who your friends really are when faced with this and oddly most rallied around him. You have lots of friends and support here we all share the same common bond.
Its only been a couple of weeks for me NC and I pray everyday I have the strength to never speak to him again. He will contact me one day…they never really go away do they?

lipstick1961

Dear Stargazer

It is interesting how the Universe brings people together. And in trying to find the positives that have come from our ordeals I must say… If it weren’t for the toxic men that WERE in our lives we would never have been able to enjoy a discussion on meditation. I love the idea of meditating in the bath, you are right being surrounded by water is incredibly soothing.

I’m very interested to hear about your Cellular Release therapy. I did try Reiki but the therapist wanted me to shout out “I Love Kim” (Kim is my first name) I couldn’t bring myself to do that…not at this time anyway but one day I will scream it from the mountain tops!

I have always practiced gratitude my list of things and people are endless Stargazer and all the brave women on this site who are sharing their stories are included on my list.

Shelby-

We’re all as different as snowflakes. We have different chemistry, different moral codes, different values and different beliefs. Some of us are more religious than others. Some of us resolve our pain through physical activity while others tend toward a more cerebral or metaphysical approach.

But what’s common in all of us is that we have all suffered terrible betrayal. The pathway to extricate ourselves is neither clear, nor easy. We were conned into the pretense of the relationship, and our very own brain chemistry can betray us by doing what it is supposed to do, cleave us to a loved one.

The same steps to free oneself from addiction to alcohol can be applied to free oneself from addiction to a relationship, so Al-anon is a very good choice in escaping from a betrayal bond. Even though we know the predators in our lives are toxic, we are deeply compelled by the tug of memories and a moral code that provides hope that through contact we can create change.

If the person were normal and reasonable, that would be the case. Sometimes, we have to succumb to the compelling tie with them enough times to firmly establish that no good will come of it. Whenever you break no-contact and get your heart bashed, yet again, you are that much clearer about what you need to do, and why…. and it gets easier to do it. It’s a process.

Joyce

SER

Joyce…perfectly said! Thank you!

Stargazer

Lipstick, I just read an article about why people go into anxiety after a break-up. It has to do with survival – when a relationship ends, to the inner child, it is like the abandonment of a parent, and there is a lot of fear that the child won’t survive. This is true no matter which party ended the relationship. It takes a little time for the inner infant/child to feel safe again.

That is a very likely answer to your question, and I can’t believe it just popped up in my email from a newsletter I get about relationships. Yes, funny how we are all brought together and how we can all help each other!

Break-ups with psychopaths are a bit more “abandonment” laden than other separations. In normal breakups, the chemistry of love wanes over time, enabling us to more readily adjust to the change. Breakups with psychopaths, however, are breakups of “betrayal” and “betrayal” is a form of “abandonment.”

shelby333

Dear Lipstick 1961; Thanks for the note. I know I’m not alone here, but I’m alone in my head. My revenge did not have to be made up. I reported him stalking me to his employer. I remained anonymous but I don’t think he is smart enough to know it would be me. He is on every single social media site there is. I had no idea – he even has followers on twitter. I thought that was pretty funny as if he thinks he is prolific. He talks to so many people I doubt he remembers who he said what to. But, I feel I lowered myself and now I need to leave it be. The organization said that they would contact me if they had a plan of action. But, at this juncture there is nothing more I want to do.

I never hated him like I should have, but his behavior towards me is filled with such contempt and abuse – I just (still) don’t get it, but maybe I’m not supposed to because I don’t think the way he does.

roylupton

Wendy
Thanks for the article, the heading really grabbed my attention as I deal with the same issue. Mine came later in life instead of parents. The issues that have really turned me off is not God or the scriptures but I see much to clearly the false interpretation and ideas the many Christian denominations apply to life. I would remind you that Christianity is related as a pilgrimage meaning no one has “arrived”. Please don’t let other peoples progress on their pilgrimage negatively affect yours, you have different trials and tribulations for them and your understanding is going to be different. Someone who genuinely loves Christ is noticeably happy, so cheer up and enjoy your life.

Roy

hgg522

This article completely validates everything I have been feeling…that God has abandoned me, that I was never good enough, that none of the men in my life ever had my back so how could I ever think God, that I cant see would have my back…cuz I am not worthy. Strict religious affiliation left me further abandoned, as I did not line up with their legalisms. Ahhggg. One day I will thank the S/P that I divorced for coming into my life, teaching me indirectly to establish boundaries and teach my kids so they dont have to go through what I went through. The generational curse stops here! I can totally relate to this article. Thank you

hgg522

I met people in the church, claiming to be christian, thinking they were the only ones who were saved, that discarded me and my children as soon as we question the particular belief. Jesus said when He came, He fulfilled the whole law, we are no longer bound by the law.And Galatians says that if we are going to live part of the law, we have to live the whole law, otherwise we are a curse…this means fulfilling 600+ old testament laws. God is love and something that we can never fully wrap our heads around. If we could understand Him fully, we would self-com bust. I have grown to appreciate people more, my children more, God more…even though I cant understand, I have become more patient toward others as a result…I am a better person now and a better mother now as a result of the devastating experiences I was forced to survive at the hands of the S/P…and my children are stronger, more independent, and man…do they have intestinal fortitude:)

HopingToHeal

hgg522,

What encouraging words to hear about you and your children. In the midst of the turmoil and pain, it’s difficult to believe that we can grow from such evil, but God provides the path to freedom and leads us. I’m learning to lean more on Him as you did and I appreciate my blessings so much more! Gods love IS all consuming. I wish more people understood that.

I’m sorry for the pain you family has borne but glad to hear God is working it for the good!

Stephanie

First of all, you rock. Thank you for sharing your heart and your faith. You got me thinking, enough to post a few thoughts/insights about this process of recovery. I’d like to come up with a better word than just plain old “recovery.” I’m sure there is some German word out there that does the job, but one that means “I’ve recovered from a tremendous evil and I have changed and I am glowing because I finally feel connected to God and I am protected always.”

First I think of God and how much I love him. Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado is amazing for the work we are all doing. Whether you have placed your faith in God or some other source – love this message: God reweaves evil into good. This immediately refocuses us on the good.

Next I just read an interesting article about the science of recovering from trauma:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/05/19/140519fa_fact_specter
If you don’t subscribe to the New Yorker, the gist of the article is that in dealing with trauma (which we all are), science is finding that it is best to live, and relive the experience, to cry and get it out of your system. “As people work through the story again and again, they learn to distinguish between remembering what happened in the past and actually being back there.” Granted, this needs to be done in a therapeutic setting when the PTSD is severe, but in some ways that’s what LoveFraud is, we are reading each other’s stories, and reliving our own, and finally separating the trauma memory from the fear that s/he is actually knocking on our door.

God is reweaving my life into good every day. Today he reminded me that “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Charles Chaplin
Have you laughed today?

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