Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
When you’ve been entangled with sociopaths for a long period of time, few (if any) facets of your life are left untouched. Becoming a person of faith has shown me how deeply my upbringing has permeated my adult life.
My sociopathic parents controlled my every move – dictating when I could bathe, eat, or sleep, what I could read, who I could be friends with (if any), what music I could listen to, what I could watch on TV. Depending on how volatile their mood was, I’d have to ask permission to speak.
In her book Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman states “The damage to the survivor’s faith and sense of community is particularly severe when the traumatic events themselves involve betrayal of important relationships.” (page 55). For children of sociopaths, this couldn’t be more true. Our parents set the stage for how we view authority figures throughout the rest of our lives.
This has posed an enormous obstacle for me in my spiritual life. Faith of any kind requires placing trust in an authority bigger than yourself. I am a Christian, so my trust is in Christ. And trusting anyone of power is scary after you’ve been raised by sociopaths!
Decades of abuse and manipulation have left me feeling inherently “different” than other people. I sometimes feel discouraged seeing other Christian women exude joy on a daily basis, unfettered by life’s adversities. I see women who can work full-time, cook, clean, raise their children, read their Bibles, attend church every week, volunteer at charitable organizations…….all with nary a complaint. Then there’s…….. me.
I am naturally a skeptic. When good things happen, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I don’t look at a glass as half full or half empty, I look at the spots on the glass and feel like a failure for being such a lousy housekeeper. I’m not good in social situations. In fact, I prefer to avoid them altogether. On good nights I don’t have nightmares. On good days I can make it until breakfast without my anger management skills being tested. Then I feel like I’ve failed God for not being like the other women.
Then I beat myself silly trying to do everything right so God will be pleased with me, much in the same way I used to beat myself silly trying to please my parents. Only, I know my parents were evil, and God is not.
So how does a person reconcile faith in a Higher Power with a life that’s been scrambled by a sociopath? The answer is………I don’t know. Last week I had a discussion with a dear friend of mine about this. She asked me, how is it that I didn’t grow up to be a hateful, manipulative person? Logically, I should be. I had no “healthy” role models at all. But, by the grace of God, I didn’t.
I can’t explain how or why God works the way He does, but (to borrow Oprah’s quote), here are things I know for sure:
Going through hardship often gives us a softer heart for others who are hurting. It allows us to relate to others in ways that other people can’t. I am grateful for that.
I am grateful if I can comfort even one person by saying “I understand”, because they know I really do.
I am grateful my experiences have taught me resilience and resourcefulness.
Most of all, I know that God sees me as a whole, complete person when all I can see are the shards of destruction left behind by my parents. I am definitely grateful for that.
Wendy,
I am a Christian also, being able to totally relate to your article. Having grown up in dysfunctional families, we are not “whole” people, having many scars on us. You’re doing the best that you can. I wish that we had come from healthier backgrounds, that we didn’t experience as much pain as we have. Life is a growing process and you’re still developing – we all are. Thank you for this article because it speaks to me, encouraging me.
You’re welcome bluejay!
Wendy – thank you for this piece. When it comes to spirituality after a sociopath, here’s what I believe: God does not want us to suffer.
Why, then, do we get tangled up with sociopaths to begin with? Why do they even exist?
I think it’s because we are all given free will. Unfortunately, some of us use our free will to become evil. Others of us buy into the claims of evil people that we were somehow responsible for their bad treatment of us. Or, for some other reason, we believe we are less than worthy.
In the end, we are all responsible for our own journey, and only our own journey. Those who have chosen evil will have a miserable journey for a long time.
But those of us who have just brushed against evil can learn from the experience, and realize, through healing, that it is our birthright to feel happy and fulfilled. That is the objective of our journey – to really understand and live this on a very deep level.
This is such a lovely post Donna.
I had a lot of help on my road to recovery. One such moment was when my pastor was giving a sermon and said, “God did not put you on this earth to live in continuous abuse.” It struck me that was TRUTH.
And I have to say, it was re-attaching to my faith that helped take me from being defined by him (my now ex husband) to remembering that I was worthy because I am a child of GOD.
Donna, that’s one thing I was never able to wrap my pea-brain around with my mom, and why I stay tangled up with her for so long. She would “choose” to do nice things (like show up at my apartment with new clothes for me, or goodies from the grocery store) and I’d think “wow, that was sweet, maybe mom is starting to change.” Then BAM, the next thing I knew she was telling people how she “supports” me and I’m a thankless, rotten daughter (never mind that I had my own apartment and worked full time). So if my mom “knew” how to do kind things, why didn’t she do them for the sake of being kind, and not to manipulate? I never did understand that about her.
Wendy,
What a profound revealing of such a personal emotion. I appreciate your honesty about something that’s difficult to admit. Its so understandable with your life experiences. I would assume that all of us of faith question our relationship with God when we face such significant turmoil and pain.
I know I thought I had lost my faith altogether when first facing my husbands “sex addiction” and subsequent betrayals. I lost the life, family and future I had planned. I knew my own heart and that I had the best intentions to serve God and be faithful. My children were raised in a home where I taught them about the love of Jesus. I try to treat others with respect and compassion. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around why God would allow such evil to penetrate and destroy my family. I was so mad!!,
I grew to understand that God was working with a bigger plan than my little brain could handle. He knew that one day down the road, someone would need to hear the story of how I was pushed to the edge of hell, but God held onto me and wouldn’t allow me to be sucked in. He has saved me all over again. Because of this hell of an experience, I can face, with confidence, so much more than was once possible
I was a church girl, as you described. I’m ashamed to say that if a prostitute had come to me and shared her story and wanted money, I would have been kind and polite. I would have never let her know how much her lifestyle was judged, but would have pushed her to change and find a new life. I would have told her about the love of Jesus and would have helped her but I would have thought that she was shameful.
Today, if that same prostitute approached me, my heart would break. I would see her as a precious soul that had been used and abused by men who had no value for her life. I would know that somewhere, someone had stolen her soul in return for feigned love. I would not judge her. I would love her.
Wendy, your words describe the same change in you. True empathy comes with shared experiences. We’ve experienced life with the least holy people on earth. What situation could arise that we could not identify with? I choose to believe that God allows the worst to happen to His strongest people. Then He takes that pain and turns it into compassion and empathy.
The devil is a thief that comes to Steal, kill and destroy.. What better way to fight this evil agenda than to take those that Satan has destroyed and bring them to a place of compassion. Because of our restoration, we become the greatest messengers of hope, faith and Gods love.
Most of the time, I have to remind myself of all of these positive changes my heart has made. Changes the wouldn’t have happened if I had not had the Spath experience. I would never have chosen this for myself or my kids, but we are better people because of it. For Gods plan was better than mine.
Romans 5:1-6.
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
Thank You HopingtoHeal.
Your words are like salve to my heart. I escaped the misery of a sociopath and am now trying to find peace with the unraveling of my relationship with one of my children, my most precious daughter. All the sites blame the parent, esp the mom, for how the kids turn out. It’s hard to find answers, or solutions, I find only blame, or at the kindest, silence. I had had such a heavy heart these last months.
Thank you for your post, and I really really thank you for Romans 5:1-6. I have copied that to keep at my bedside, to comfort me with that reminder, instead of crying myself to sleep or waking up with tears.
Hopingtoheal – I’ve had a very rough week, and your words spoke to my heart. Thank you for your lovely response – another example of how God works, using people to uplift and encourage others 🙂
Wendy, I enjoy your articles and find many things I relate to. I have also struggled my entire life with the concept of a “God” who is some sort of ulterior being who is like a kind, benevolent father. I have never known a kind, benevolent father. “God” has often seemed like someone who is around sometimes but then disappears a lot of the time before abandoning me completely. Like my biological father. Now I was born Jewish to two Jewish parents, so I was never a Christian to begin with. And I was never a devout Jew either. I did not find a spiritual path until I was in my 20’s. The pain in my life led me there. To me, spirituality has to do with a state of being awakened to our true nature and our ability to choose our life experiences. In my belief, it has little to do with religion, although I believe religion can point to that experience.
So I will be controversial and say that I don’t feel that allegiance to a higher power is essential to a person’s well being. But I do believe we can choose to exist in a state of grace and love. We can choose this every moment we’re alive. I don’t think we need an intermediary. I don’t think we even need to pray for it. I think we can just BE it.
What has helped me the most is to learn that in spite of my bad parenting, I can be my own parent. I can love myself. I actually hug myself and sit down and listen to the scared little child inside. I comfort her and tell her it will be okay. Where do these parenting skills come from? Where does this love come from? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter to me. But I feel we all (if we are not sociopaths) have the capacity for love and it is something we can just choose whenever we want. We need to remember to give it to ourselves first and foremost.
Stargazer, I so admire your strength. I think learning to love ourselves is one of the hardest things to do, especially after being raised in an abusive home. If you don’t mind my asking, was there an adult in your childhood who helped you along, or was there a certain turning point in your healing process that helped you gain the confidence you have today?
Wendy, no, there was not one adult ever while I was growing up who cared about me. No teachers, no school counselors, not even my own sister, who was traumatized even worse than me and became very withdrawn…..we moved a lot, so I was even constantly uprooted from friends. It was a total nightmare for me.
I left home to go to college at 16 (I put myself through college BTW). I ended up with a Psych major. During my junior year, I took a class called Humanistic and Transpersonal Psych. We read Ram Dass “Be Here Now” and similar types of books. This class changed the course of my life. I learned the concept of personal responsibility. I ended up in grad school in San Francisco where I could pursue a masters in Transpersonal Psychology. While in school, I was introduced to a form of Buddhist meditation. I did a 10-day retreat, funded by a wealthy friend/classmate, which also changed the course of my life. I ended up dropping out of school for various reasons and going through a dark night of the soul for many years. I battled with depression and isolation. I applied for SSI disability but was denied. I struggled with poverty and dysfunctional relationships for many years. Another turning point came when I was about 33. I was living with a pedophile and doing temp work for little money, because this was all I knew how to do. I didn’t know at the time what he was, but I knew it was not a good situation. One day he threw one of my cats across the room. I knew I had to do something, but what? I prayed and prayed to a God I didn’t really believe in. I asked what talent I had that could make me a lot of money in a short time. The answer came to me that if I could have the right attitude and protect myself psychologically, I could be a stripper doing house calls. This is what I did part time for 2 years. After the first 3 months, I bought a condo, remodeled the condo, bought a car, and paid it off. I finally got my financial independence. That job was my mother and father for 2 years. It helped me break free of my pattern of depending on men. When I quit, I just walked out one day and never went back.
Even though my life had been hard, I never forgot the the state I found through meditation. Doing this kind of mindfulness meditation, which is really just practicing being in the present moment, is like putting money in the bank. Only instead of money, you accrue various qualities like peacefulness, wisdom, and compassion. Those things never go away. I had those things no matter what. It still took many years, however, to learn how to use those qualities to pull me out of my depression. But I did – one step at a time. And ironically, now that I am in my 50’s, dance has saved my life again!
I have found various healers along the way who have helped me with my journey for very short times. And I found a lot of bad therapists, some of whom betrayed me and traumatized me. But those meditation retreats I did in my 20’s always remained a part of me. Over the years I have focused more and more on what I learned during that time. This helped me to become a different person than I would have become, given my abusive upbringing. It really changed the course of my life, and I believe it was some sort of destiny.
But to answer your question, most of what I’ve done, I’ve done alone. There is a point in your healing where, even though you are doing it on your own, there are many many teachers who come into your life to help you on your way. This site was one of them. We are never really alone. We are connected to everyone around us. It sometimes just takes a lot of healing to recognize that and to be able to accept and utilize the help. At least it did for me.
Wow Stargazer – what a story! Proof that there are many paths forward, and unconventional ones can work. Thank you for sharing.
Wendy, I wanted to add that when I got to a certain phase of my healing – I can’t remember when this was – the speed of healing accelerated. Even when I have really low points in my life, when I bounce back, I am generally pretty happy and excited about life. I never thought I would ever be this way, especially at 53. When I was in my 20’s, I thought I would have committed suicide by the time I reached 40.
The most recent low point was in February when a guy I really liked just disappeared. I hadn’t slept with him, but we started to become intimate. He had worked hard to get my attention, and he seemed to really like me. Once I started falling for him, he faded out. I did not chase him. I have had a lot of abandonment in my life, and this felt like the last straw. I went to a very low place and was very depressed. What snapped me out of the obsessing was reading something about not trusting a guy who even lied about his age. This guy lied about his age on the dating site, like many other men on that site. His explanation was that when he uses his real age, the computer matches him up with old and matronly women. He is in his 50’s like me, and he and I are both very youthful. I wasn’t thrilled about his explanation, but I accepted it. When I read the article about not trusting a guy who even lies about his age, I snapped out of the obsessing. I realized that deep down I knew this guy was a liar, but I accepted it. He was not a good person to begin with. In fact, in retrospect, he’s probably a narcissist. It was nothing I did to scare him off. He is just not relationship material. As soon as I realized this, I was able to take responsibility for creating this pain in my own life through accepting a liar into my life. I vowed not to ever do that again. Lesson learned, and now I can move on. Once I let go, my happiness and joy returned.
Hang in there, Wendy. You never know what circumstance or moment of grace will be your turning point. Your parents abused you horribly, in some ways much worse than mine. But there are kind and gentle people out there who can, will, and probably already do love you. I know I personally care so much about the people on here whom I’ve blogged with. I send my love out all the time. Love is everywhere, awaiting a moment of opening when you can experience it.
Stargazer
Your reply has an extra valuable nugget in it. You provide an example of how healing comes. You share how you “read the article about not trusting a guy who even lies about his age.” and that spoke to your subconscious.
For a long time, I wondered what was wrong with me. I knew the truth, but my heart would not accept it. I wondered was I that pathetic, that I’d rather hold to the pain than move towards healing? I condemned and blamed myself so much, maybe I was like they said, unable to let go, refusing to move on.
Then it happened. I heard the message that was MY KEY. It made sense to me, and I was able to finally feel free from him, actually free from my birth family too.
We can all give advice, give support, give examples of what worked for us. The reason we need everyone’s replies is because we, the injured, don’t know which key will fit and unlock our path to healing. I do know, it’s a very small key, or for me, LOTS of very small keys (thus why it took me forever for it to sink into my thick skull).
For me, it took realizing that he really is a predator, all his behaviors are that of a predator. He was predictable (in hindsight) because he is a predator. I knew my birth family was all predators. I could not give them enough, because predators are never satisfied. They feed for the moment, and then need to feed again.
Why we are different from our horrible birth family members:
It’s Because we yearn to connect, not for stuff, but for sharing, for love. As Brene Brown says, “the desire for connection is universal. The only ones who can not connect are sociopaths.”
I just had to thank you for your example because it shows the courtship, the AliceinWonderland disconnect, and your realization process, all in short order. Easy to understand example, and thus, very powerful.
And… you show how even a seemingly innocuous lie is a red flag. When meeting new people, there’s a difference between presenting our best selves versus having no remorse about a bold faced lie.
Dear NotWhatHeSaidofMe: You are so right! You never know what you will read or hear that will change the course of your life or just help you on your path. I’m so glad my story was useful. I was pretty ashamed at the time that I let my boundaries slip to accept a guy lying about his age. Granted, he didn’t lie to me. I had met him 3 years prior, and I knew how old he was. But when I saw his profile 3 years later on the dating site, I saw it was 7 years off. Of course if he hadn’t disappeared, we might still be together, but I’m not sure if I could have completely trusted him anyway. The chemistry was really strong with him, and we matched up in a lot of ways, particularly since he was incredibly intelligent and very musical. I held onto that for a while too, thinking I wouldn’t find someone I would match up with like that again. And maybe I won’t but I don’t care anymore. There was another red flag I ignored, too. We were drinking wine at my house one evening which he had brought over. When he was leaving he asked if I had a plastic cup. He wanted to pour the rest of the wine into the cup and take it home! An open container in the car. That was a big red flag to me. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s an alcoholic, too.
For several months I obsessed. I wondered what I would say to him if he ever called me again. Now I know exactly what I would say. Nothing. He is not relationship material. Even with all the other red flags not there, I would never take someone back who abandoned me with no explanation. I have a friend who did take a guy back who had abandoned her like that. He had all kinds of excuses about why he had done it. And guess what? Yep, you guessed it. After about a year, he abandoned her again. People can change their behaviors. But they usually don’t change their character.
Stargazer – wow, it sounds like we’ve had very similar journeys! I, too, went to college as a teen and paid my own way (I was a psych major too!), although I didn’t finish my degree. I ended up dropping out to work 2 jobs, although I’m slowly working on finishing my degree now (it’s taking me a little bit longer because I’ve shifted my interest to Bioinformatics, which is essentially using computers to study genetics). I am trying to remain grateful in my circumstances, because I know there are many out there who have it much worse. Still, I wonder at 48 years old if I will ever really know peace. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! It gives me great encouragement to see someone who has been through SO much and not only remain strong, but can experience peace and joy too!
Wendy, at 53, I have 5 years on you. And believe me, a LOT can happen in those 5 years because once you reach a turning point or three, healing can happen exponentially fast. When you let go of *some* things, you start feeling lighter. And you say to yourself, “Ooooh, THAT’s how that works! Gee, I wonder what would happen if I let go of this other thing and that thing too……and oh look, I don’t need that negative person in my life anymore….what if I believed THIS instead of THAT…..oh gosh, look at all the choices I have! I actually have the power to fix my life.” Before you know it you start feeling happier. This attracts happier experiences and happier people which increase your happiness. Time goes by but you are not counting years anymore. You stop measuring your life by chronological years and more by what you want to accomplish next and what would give you pleasure in the upcoming day/week/month. You stop thinking how old you are. You become more and more authentic, which gives you a great sense of joy and freedom, and an almost childlike sense of play. Did you ever see the movie Harold and Maude? If not, it’s worth seeing. I feel like the Maude character. She was 80 years old but had such a free, youthful spirit. Halfway through the movie, you find out she had been in the holocaust, but only because you see the tattoo on her arm and not because she was down or burdened by her past. You realize that she has probably become the incredible person she is because of her past. I don’t think it takes hard work or courage to let go of the past or to reinterpret it. It just takes a series of decisions. I think the scary thing is facing the unknown once you do. That is why it’s important to fill your life with things that make you happy and give you endorphins.
You will need endorphins. If you can’t exercise, try to find things to make you laugh every day. I am a HUGE George Carlin fan. Some of his old routines literally have me on the floor crying from the laughter. Take supplements that boost your mood. For some people, antidepressants work. They worked for me only for short times on occasion. But those short times showed me what feeling normal was like when I was chronically depressed.
Take action. I just read an article about the difference between being in motion and taking action. Talking about exercising and planning a workout is “motion”. Actually working out is “action”. It is the actions that will get you somewhere in life. So whatever it is, just go out and do it. Do it no matter how you feel inside. I have lost count of all the times I went to salsa class depressed with knots of anxiety in my stomach. But after 30 minutes of dancing the endorphins kicked in and I was so glad I went. My entire mood shifted. Don’t wait till you feel better to go out and do something. Just do it.
Okay, this is turning into a motivational talk LOL, but Wendy I wanted to paint a picture of your future where not only do you feel like you have peace in your life in spite of your past, but BECAUSE of it. It is often intense emotional pain that drives us to seek the healing path. And in doing so, we discover a type of freedom that most people never experience. You can use your past to make your life incredible. At that point, you may even feel grateful and thankful for your past, as I do now. But it’s okay if that time has not come. Love yourself where you are right now.
I just wanted you to know it is possible and it is within your reach.
Thank you Stargazer for the great advice! And I will have to check out Harold and Maude. 🙂
Harold and Maude is one of my all time favorite films. And you will love the message.
Hi Everyone!
Oh My gosh, this thread is so inspiring! Thank-you Wendy, for your courage to express yourself and share a piece of your awakening that is tripping you up. Thanks to HopingtoHeal, Notwhathesaidofme, and Stargazer for some totally illuminating follow up. I relate so much, to all of it.
It is interesting for me as someone who has been kind of on the farther side of my healing journey to continue to experience uplift and joy, and new insights into my own process by continuing to come here and ‘see’ people’s stories (and help where I can). It still amazes me, this power of sharing/empathizing, and still having deeper and deeper ‘aha!’ moments.
Cheers to all of us!!!!!!!
Slim
Oh, I wanted to add another piece about the process of healing for me in case this might be useful to anyone.
I mentioned feel-good endorphins. The reason they are important…….when I was going through the dark night of the soul as I call it, I would get stuck in depression a lot and stay stuck, often feeling hopeless about ever recovering. But whenever I would do something that made me feel good, if I started to feel happy and light-hearted, BOOM, a wave of rage or grief would come up. It’s almost as if God said to me, “Okay, you’re doing well today. I think you’re ready to handle the next round.” The repressed emotions would come up in waves when I would feel good. If I had endorphins coursing through my system, then I had the stamina and right attitude to process the emotions, rather than shove them back down. When rage would come up, I use to hit pillows and yell at whoever I was angry at (usually my mother). I couldn’t make a lot of noise in my little condo, but I used to pet sit for a couple that had a big quiet house. I would scream in their living room and hit their pillows. (They are none the wiser about it.)
I used to wonder….will this emotional stuff ever stop? Will there ever be an end to it? It got to a point where if I started feeling happy, I braced myself because I knew that soon I’d be feeling angry or sad or fearful again. I eventually stopped resisting it and just learned to accept my feelings, whatever they were. I also learned to have gratitude for being able to finally feel all of these feelings. I was not allowed to even feel them when I was a child. I would feel so grateful that I could cry or get mad. I felt like a normal human being. The gratitude gave me more endorphins. It helped fill the space that was created when some of the rage left.
Somehow, over time, the strong waves of anger and pain started to subside, except when they would get triggered by certain events (usually involving relationships). Now I can feel happy for many days on end without getting triggered by anything. It’s really pretty amazing. I have surrounded myself by other happy people. Many of them have also worked hard for their happiness, and they inspire me. This whole weekend was one of the happiest weekends of my life. And there was no romance or oxytocin involved. Just a typical weekend of dancing, going to karaoke, hanging out with my friends, teaching dance, working out, watching movies, and cleaning. I was blissfully happy throughout most of it. And whereas before, I had a hard time crying, now I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel a lot of gratitude these days, and I express it to the people in my life. I tell them how grateful I am to have them, and usually we both get teary-eyed. This is a daily occurrence for me. I have come to believe that this is what is there when all the rage and grief have been processed out.
I still have one small area in my life (one remaining relationship) that I haven’t processed yet – at least this is all I’m aware of that I need to work on. Other than that, I feel pretty clear today. I never thought it would ever happen. Ever. If I can recover, ANYONE can.
Stargazer,
Thanks for sharing the process you’ve gone through with the rage. Like always, it is saddening and maddening to hear of another’s abuse. I’m sorry for you. But every little tidbit of info helps me,and others recognize the stages we are in and realize it’s normal.
I’m not nearly as franklin gas you. In just can’t get mad.n I have fleeting times of anger but it’s just not sticking. Right now, I’m in a stage where the slightest trigger puts me in to a panic attack. My heart beats fast and I become flushed all over. I have this awful feeling of impending doom. These attacked come quite often. I’ve read about PTSD and think that’s probably what I’m dealing with.
I guess some of the stages of this recovery just have to play themselves out. When I’m doing all I can do to move forward and still having a physical reaction, I don’t know much more I can do. My doctor gave me some meds, but medication just can’t override the trauma. Pushing forward, no matter how I feel is what I choose to do.
Did you ever have physical reactions like this?
Dear Hoping, Yes. I did have a lot of panic attacks at one time. In fact every time a wave of emotion would come up, it was usually preceded by a lot of anxiety. For many years, I had so much of this that it was difficult to manage. I had a hard time at work sometimes, depending what kind of jobs I had. Often I’d go to work at my minimum wage job triggered the whole day. I’d hold it together, then go sit in my room and process feelings.
I cannot say that what worked for me will work for everyone. There are many technologies out there for dealing with PTSD. I could not have afforded any of them at the time. But I learned how to meditate, as I mentioned, very early on. So I would sit very quietly in a safe room and just open up to the feelings. With panic, of course the thing you feel is fear. So I would sit and feel the fear. I would go inside and feel where it was in my body. Often it would bubble up and sit in my throat and I would start to shake. So I would just let myself shake. I would open up my throat and soften my upper jaw so the energy could pass. Sometimes I would comfort myself, saying “It’s okay, I’m here for you.” Often, after the fear started to pass, anger would come up. Then I realized I had been afraid to be angry. So I would just feel the anger. I would have imaginary conversations or hit something or whatever the rage needed to do to be expressed. This was the hardest part for me. I have had such a hard time with rage. I would usually sit and hold it in until it turned back into depression. I did this for years. I finally had to tell myself that I deserved to get it out of my body. After the rage was gone, grief would come up. Once I sobbed or cried, that wave of it was gone. And I would feel a little lighter.
Over the years I would periodically check out various healers if I saw an ad. I stumbled upon to one up in the mountains. I went to see him. As I was talking to him in a very low tone of voice, he intuited what I needed. He gave me a soft rubber bat and directed me to stand at the head of a massage table and hit the table. It felt awkward. But as I did it, a lot of anger came out. It was just the tip of the iceberg. I could never afford to see the guy again.
Years later, I found another guy who did anger release work. He had once been featured on the news, talking about why people go through years of therapy and never get better – because they have a lot of rage from childhood that never got released. I went to see him. He directed me into a quiet room with a large bed. He told me to lie on my back and kick and scream “Fuck you” or something like that – I forget the exact words. Lo and behold, more rage poured out of me. I still felt like I had a long way to go, but I couldn’t afford to see him again either. I had to figure out how to do it on my own.
I will also tell you that in the middle of the dark night of the soul, I applied for SSI disability. I got denied. I think that was the best thing that ever happened to me because I learned to rely on myself to help myself.
I still get panic attacks from time to time. When I started salsa classes, I would often get anxiety attacks before going to class. I won’t go into the details of why. But I forced myself to go anyway. I persisted with classes in spite of my depression. And I had to eventually cut some of the salsa people out of my life who didn’t have my best interests in mind. When I did that, the panic attacks got less. But I still occasionally get them if I go to certain dance clubs where I know the harmful people will be. It’s usually empowering just to go anyway and face the fears, if I really want to dance at that club. But I’ve also cultivated relationships at other clubs in other towns so I don’t have to constantly force myself to confront unsafe people.
Hi Stargazer.
I’m new to lovefraud, and very thankful I came across the site. I left my sociopathic boyfriend 11 days ago NC! It took me 4 years of an on and off relationship with him to realize he is a full blown sociopath. I too have embarked on meditation, laws of attraction pretty much anything to full my mind and heart with positive energy.
I’m hoping you may be able to explain the panic attacks yes you are right it is fear, but of what? I think when I left him I expected to feel free (which I do sometimes) I don’t know where this fear is coming from. I’ve never had them before and now I have them almost everyday the uncontrollable shaking and not able to catch my breath.
Any insight you may be able to shed would be appreciated
Hi lipstick. Welcome to the site. I hope you know that I’m not a therapist, so I cannot advise you on the best way for you to work with panic attacks. Different things work for different people. And I cannot tell you what you are afraid of, unfortunately. But if you are working with it through meditation, then your question, “what am I afraid of?” is a beautiful starting point. Here are some pointers for working with fear on your own, assuming you have a safe and quiet place to meditate:
First, do not push it away. Accept it. It is there for a reason and it is telling you something. I’m not sure how to describe this to you……but there is a certain kind of posture you can take that is open and accepting, and even loving of the fear. Softening your jaw, breathing into it, sending love to the fear – it is a part of you. Approach it with an investigative quality, rather than aversion and hate and more fear. Pretend you are opening a Xmas package. You don’t know what it is and you are seeing it for the first time with your inner eyes. Don’t have any agenda that it should go away. Just investigate it with your awareness. In this way, you can find out what it’s about and why it’s there. If you try this repeatedly and don’t feel any energy shifting, this may not be what you need right now. You may need to do something physical or try another technique. There are forms of meditation that ground you through your feet – actually imagining you are sending grounding chords through your feet into the center of the earth. This helps with fear because it keeps you grounded until the source of the fear is revealed.
Another way you can approach the fear is to imagine that the part of you who is afraid is a young child. You can comfort that child and tell her you are there for her, and that it’s going to be okay. This method actually does work. I actually do this. I even hug and hold myself and hug stuffed animals when I’m feeling very scared. You can ask her what she is scared of and then wait for her response. She will tell you.
Often when people start meditating, they notice a lot of fear. That is because a natural result of meditating is to strip away the defenses (ego) we all employ that protect us from our deeper feelings. That can be pretty scary because without those defenses, we often don’t know who we are.
If you are drawn to this practice, I highly recommend you read Eckhart Tolle’s books, “The Power of Now” and “The New Earth”. This will help tremendously in working with your pain from a different perspective.
Notice I did not say you have PTSD or try to label what you are going through. That is because if you want to work with it through meditation, the labels are counterproductive. The only labels you want are to label your direct experience, i.e., know what you are feeling.
Hi Stargazer, thank you so much for your insight and kindness. Everything you said about meditation is absolutely dead on. Its a strange feeling to feel things one has not felt before or acknowledged feeling. I’ve been finding my meditation works on the treadmill, just as you said feet firmly planted into the center of the earth while pounding my anger out in a safe environment.
Interestingly, I am reading The Power of Now, It is a brilliant book. I find myself going from anger/pain for many reasons to excitement for a non-abusive life. I’m 52 and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d allow a person like him into my life, I’m sure all the women on here are saying the same thing.
Peace and love to everyone healing from the aftermath of a sociopath.
Lipstick, it is I who must thank you, because it’s so rare I have the opportunity to discuss meditation practice with anyone, and I meet few people who do it. Thank you – it raises my energy to discuss the path I’ve taken. I think the treadmill is a splendid place to meditate! Personally, I do a lot of meditation soaking in the bathtub. The feel of the water is very grounding, and feelings seem to come up much more easily there. I hope to hear from you again and to hear how you are progressing with the panic attacks. I’m having a Cellular Release session with a therapist next month to clear a particular issue that I’ve had trouble clearing on my own. I will report back on how it works.
BTW, various types of energy work are great for anxiety, too. Reiki and acupuncture are both great for anxiety.