Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
When you’ve been entangled with sociopaths for a long period of time, few (if any) facets of your life are left untouched. Becoming a person of faith has shown me how deeply my upbringing has permeated my adult life.
My sociopathic parents controlled my every move – dictating when I could bathe, eat, or sleep, what I could read, who I could be friends with (if any), what music I could listen to, what I could watch on TV. Depending on how volatile their mood was, I’d have to ask permission to speak.
In her book Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman states “The damage to the survivor’s faith and sense of community is particularly severe when the traumatic events themselves involve betrayal of important relationships.” (page 55). For children of sociopaths, this couldn’t be more true. Our parents set the stage for how we view authority figures throughout the rest of our lives.
This has posed an enormous obstacle for me in my spiritual life. Faith of any kind requires placing trust in an authority bigger than yourself. I am a Christian, so my trust is in Christ. And trusting anyone of power is scary after you’ve been raised by sociopaths!
Decades of abuse and manipulation have left me feeling inherently “different” than other people. I sometimes feel discouraged seeing other Christian women exude joy on a daily basis, unfettered by life’s adversities. I see women who can work full-time, cook, clean, raise their children, read their Bibles, attend church every week, volunteer at charitable organizations…….all with nary a complaint. Then there’s…….. me.
I am naturally a skeptic. When good things happen, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I don’t look at a glass as half full or half empty, I look at the spots on the glass and feel like a failure for being such a lousy housekeeper. I’m not good in social situations. In fact, I prefer to avoid them altogether. On good nights I don’t have nightmares. On good days I can make it until breakfast without my anger management skills being tested. Then I feel like I’ve failed God for not being like the other women.
Then I beat myself silly trying to do everything right so God will be pleased with me, much in the same way I used to beat myself silly trying to please my parents. Only, I know my parents were evil, and God is not.
So how does a person reconcile faith in a Higher Power with a life that’s been scrambled by a sociopath? The answer is………I don’t know. Last week I had a discussion with a dear friend of mine about this. She asked me, how is it that I didn’t grow up to be a hateful, manipulative person? Logically, I should be. I had no “healthy” role models at all. But, by the grace of God, I didn’t.
I can’t explain how or why God works the way He does, but (to borrow Oprah’s quote), here are things I know for sure:
Going through hardship often gives us a softer heart for others who are hurting. It allows us to relate to others in ways that other people can’t. I am grateful for that.
I am grateful if I can comfort even one person by saying “I understand”, because they know I really do.
I am grateful my experiences have taught me resilience and resourcefulness.
Most of all, I know that God sees me as a whole, complete person when all I can see are the shards of destruction left behind by my parents. I am definitely grateful for that.
Stargazer,
That’s very insightful and helpful. I know I do have balled up rage. For years, when I would discuss my life issues with someone, they would always say how sorry they were for me. My response was always the same “It’s ok. People go through many more trying times than this”. I made myself think that nothing was ever a big deal. No matter how awful it was.
I taught myself not to acknowledge the pain because it was too much for me. When my first husband left physically abused me and then left me with three little babies to raise with a below poverty level salary, I made myself go on by saying “it’s ok.” When my grandson died,mi grieved but I repeated the words “It’s ok. He’s not sick anymore and I’ll be fine”. And every horrible experience with my husband, the total crazy manipulative abusive life, I said “it’s ok. I’ll be ok.”
Reading you words, I had an AHA moment. I deny the truth and take whatever I’m given. I don’t allow myself to feel angry. I guess that’s why sometimes, I blow up over little things that are insignificant. There’s so much madness inside of me, and I haven’t respected myself enough to validate my own feelings. When my family and friends get mad at my husband and express anger, I listen and do feel like they are so justified in their feelings, but I never get to that point myself. I push it down and become more and more yuck and confused.
A doormat, that’s what I am. That’s where I need to work on myself. I need to get angry and release the frustration of the hell I’m in. I’m going to work on that. Thank you, thank you! Your wise words have helped me.
Dear Hoping,
I just wanted to tweak what I said a little. The trick is not to make yourself feel angry. The key is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. It may be something besides anger. It helps if you actually budget the time just for sitting in a quiet room and going inside. See if you can put a label on what you are feeling. If you can’t, just feel what it feels like on the inside. Breathe into it. Is there a place you are holding your breath? What does it feel like? Eventually, you may be able to name the feeling. It may be fear or sorrow. It’s great if you can identify the fear and why it’s there. For instance, “I was afraid to speak up at work today.” This can be the tricky part – speaking up, if you’re not used to being assertive. Because if you have a stockpile of anger, when you first start speaking up, it can come out as attacking. There is an art to speaking up without harming the other person, and it is a learned form of communication. Learning how to communicate goes hand in hand with doing your inner work through meditation. However, for the purposes of the meditation in your quiet safe place outside of work, you can actually allow the feeling to bubble up. Treat it as though it were a new discovery and you are looking at it for the first time, with your inner flashlight turned onto it. It’s actually quite fascinating. You may be able to process out the entire complex of feelings (fear, anger, betrayal, etc.) during your meditation. Then you won’t feel so much anger at the co-worker or boss. It may have resolved itself.
Again, it’s an art trying to figure out if the person who triggers your anxiety or anger is an unsafe person – or if they are just triggering an old situation. If I don’t know, I usually give the person the benefit of the doubt when I talk to them. I tell them that I reacted with anger to their behavior. I own my own anger and I don’t dump it on them. I describe their behavior only, but I make it clear that I respect them as a person. Eventually, when you are clearer, you will understand other’s motives behind their unskillful behaviors. Usually it is due to some hurt they are acting from that they are unaware of.
Many therapists will charge you a lot of money just to go through the same guided meditation process with you. They will ask you to close your eyes and go inside and describe what the feeling feels like. Does it have a color? What size is it? Where in your body do you feel it? These questions are designed to help you go inside and examine your feelings. This is a must if you want to recover!
FYI, it is possible to do this process yourself if you know how. This is basically the meditation process.
Thanks Star. I am reading some online meditation directions too. Your insight and step by step processing is very helpful. I’m really trying to heal. I see that after many months of trying, I still have so many of the same feelings as Taralv. I’m so sad and hurt that he did me this way. And I don’t want to just say that “It’s ok”. Hopefully this meditation will help. Thank you so much!
Dear HopingtoHeal
I just wrote a post on another thread, that for myself, I never did feel rage or anger. But I did feel overwhelming, deep hurt and sadness. I cried so much that I had constant sinus infections. I thought I’d never stop crying.
I read someone’s post about laughter. (Stargazer?) I think that is part of what helped me stop crying. I distracted myself. I stopped watching any shows or news or movies that were sad, or had war, or sad endings. I didn’t need any more grief or sadness. I watched British Comedy’s, and funny or weird, I watched the old Andy Griffith series, with Opie.
I so esp like Stargazer’s counseling. We are NORMAL. Whatever you are feeling… is normal. (Conversely, Sociopath don’t feel and hide it, we know that’s dysfunctional to the max)
I did also follow some advice about sitting and feeling the feeling. I read that sometimes pain is because we are not processing it, we are retaining it. So, I learned to sit, and take inventory of what I was actually feeling, in my muscles, my stomach, my heart, my legs, my skin, my breathing, etc etc. I didn’t judge it. I took notice. And then I also became VERY tactile. I NEEDED soft blankets, high thread count sheets, bath towels dried on the line. And little by little, I FELT physically, and I noticed my physical feelings when ever I felt emotions. ANd I learned to pamper my physical feelings, so that my emotions feel nurtured as well.
Does that sound weird? I am sure it does. But I have learned that a lot of what I did to process, such as listening and noticing my body’s response, is actually in mind/body/soul healing books. I just took the long route! LOL! Yep YEARS!
A lot of us, me included, spent a lot of time blaming myself for why he did that to me, that somehow I was so unlovable and incompetent that I couldn’t keep the love of a man. I Learned and I am sure you know, that’s HOGWASH.
It’s why self care is so important. We’ve forgotten that somehow. We’ve forgotten to give ourselves real self care, as if that meant we are selfish? Selfcare is not selfish. It’s nurturing and necessary. I found a lot of healing doing just that. I just wanted to echo Stargazer’s post, there’s profound wisdom there.
DearNotWhatHeSaid: I love the way you are getting in touch with your body. As a massage therapist, I feel this is the greatest gift I give people – to help them get in touch with their bodies. “The issues are in the tissues.” I saw this bumpersticker once. And it’s true!
I wanted to add that if you’ve been with a sociopath for many years, it wasn’t SAFE to feel your feelings. And if you grew up with narcissists and sociopaths (as I did), then you may have an even tougher time. It’s all okay. You need to feel safe. That’s why it helps to keep your endorphins high. Laughing and smiling and the high from exercising can cut a direct path through your defenses directly to the feelings. So can music. Music can be really powerful in evoking feelings.
Dear Hoping, it is completely normal to feel sad about how you’ve been hurt. Good for you for feeling it. Allow yourself to feel sad. You don’t need to try to hide it or minimize it. Three things will happen if you allow yourself to feel it fully. It will get worse; it will go away; or it will stay the same. Your task is just to feel it without judging or pushing yourself to be different.
It’s really NOT okay that he did this to you. He is an asshole of the highest degree. You did not deserve being abused like that. And whatever you feel now is okay and it is normal. The obsessing is normal. Missing him is normal. It’s all normal. You will get through it.
I’m struggling with this whole issue myself, and have been for about the last 10 years or so. Right now I’m tending toward feeling that religions in general (all the religions of the world’s history up to the present) are just sweet fantasies we human beings tell ourselves to keep the fear of our own mortality at bay and give us a sense of (or the illusion of) control over the chaos of existence… although about half the time I tend to *wish* it was real, so I guess I’m an agngostic. But I think you’re right in that being raised by abusive parents (particularly the spathier types) makes one hesitant to trust… at all. Hesitant to trust anyone or anything.
Thanks for the thought-provoking article; this question of faith is something I will continue to ponder for a long time.
Well worded. I can identify with every sentence. And I love the world ‘scrambled’. That is exactly how it felt. My parents to a “T”. Everything you emphasized happened to me. It is everywhere.
I am left trying to deal with five siblings who do not want to know or talk about it. And being with them is a jarring and very disturbing experience. The oldest sib just wants to ‘keep it all going’, and my husband and I do not want to take part in the ‘charade parade’ that they live in. Keeping up appearances. Denial.
My words may hit a chord from time to time but it is dropped thereafter without further discussion or any attempt at resolution. I ditched my therapist too. I have had troubles with therapists for many reasons. This babe told me, ‘You can’t change your sister at her age’…duh…I know I can’t but I am here to express my rage and resolve some of the PTSD?
I know for a fact that if I did not have the Lord Jesus in my life, I would probably be in a strait-jacket in some insane assylum by now! I never imagined that my only child-my son-would become what he is today. The dreams of always being close and someday not only loving, caring and being a big part of his life but also his wife’s and children’s life, have been shattered.
My Lord Jesus has kept me sane because HE never changes in an ever-changing world (Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever!), HE will never forsake nor leave us! Others will fail us and desert us, but the Lord Jesus (God Himself in the flesh!) will never!
I just know that He is the one who has filled that “void”, that “empty hole” in my heart that only a loss of a child can bring.
Does the deep emotional pain ever completely go away? No, we are human with deep emotions and feelings. I can actually tell you what it feels like to have a broken heart-there is such a thing. BUT, I have Someone to run to every minute of my life when I need to and I know He is there to take me in His loving arms and comfort me.
No human being has the power to heal…Only the Lord God.
Dear Babs 94540. I am right where you are. Being Catholic and raised with God in my life feels sort of vacuous and empty. I actually have felt abandoned by God and tried to take it on myself. But, I just started Al-Anon and have had 2 meetings this week. You may want to try it as they refer to the Higher Power, but the relief knowing that there were other women who had issues as well and some of them were issues that I am dealing with. Of course, this is not directed toward the recovery of a sociopath, but a recovery of ourselves. One that I am fighting right now.
For 2 1/2 years I was NC. Then just last week he popped up and I bit the bullet. In about 3 text messages, he messed with my head and in the end I lost my temper, and my good sense. His gloating and making me feel like a piece of crap and I let him in – JUST so he could remind me of what a loser I really was and not good enough for him.
I sought revenge and it may, or may not, return to bite me. But, I chose the low road, one of no class, and tried to sabotage him.
The damage has been done, not so much to him, as these guys are like invisible – they just keep doing what they do until they die.
But, I am paying for stooping so low as to think I could really do any type of damage to Teflon-man.
I wish you well and hope that you can gain hope. At times it seems so hard, but the support here is so overwhelming and please know that you are not alone.
shelby333
I want to help you with some truth, and hope you will re-write the words spoken over yourself:
You will NEVER be a loser. You are what people define as FULLY human. You have the desire to connect, the ability to love, and the heart to feel remorse.
HIS character makes him HALF a man, and HALF will ALWAYS equal LOSER. My ex husband is doing what he’s always done, too. I got to tell him that “I didn’t ever have to seek vengeance because he would do it for me, just by being himself”. Sometimes I say things that turn out to be exactly right. That was one of them. Let’s speak those words over your Teflon-man. I think they’ll stick because He just can’t stop himself.
Otherwise, I’m Sorry you lost it. Don’t blame you a bit. Hope it’s just a reminder for you and no further consequences than that. Take a lesson from it, and give yourself grace.
Hi Shelby333
You are not alone, I did the same thing as you . After our first break up I let him back into my life, at the time I did not know what a sociopath was I thought he was just a very selfish human being. He told me he had changed and after a year I realized it was all a lie as he couldn’t keep his lies straight and it was me who was the idiot for not listening and screwing things up in my head etc etc. I thought I was going insane. I was so angry (still am) and wanted revenge and it blew up in my face. He told people I was having an affair, that I’m emotionally unstable, he turned everything he is into it being me. I then learned what a sociopath is. He nearly ruined me. You find out who your friends really are when faced with this and oddly most rallied around him. You have lots of friends and support here we all share the same common bond.
Its only been a couple of weeks for me NC and I pray everyday I have the strength to never speak to him again. He will contact me one day…they never really go away do they?
Dear Stargazer
It is interesting how the Universe brings people together. And in trying to find the positives that have come from our ordeals I must say… If it weren’t for the toxic men that WERE in our lives we would never have been able to enjoy a discussion on meditation. I love the idea of meditating in the bath, you are right being surrounded by water is incredibly soothing.
I’m very interested to hear about your Cellular Release therapy. I did try Reiki but the therapist wanted me to shout out “I Love Kim” (Kim is my first name) I couldn’t bring myself to do that…not at this time anyway but one day I will scream it from the mountain tops!
I have always practiced gratitude my list of things and people are endless Stargazer and all the brave women on this site who are sharing their stories are included on my list.
Shelby-
We’re all as different as snowflakes. We have different chemistry, different moral codes, different values and different beliefs. Some of us are more religious than others. Some of us resolve our pain through physical activity while others tend toward a more cerebral or metaphysical approach.
But what’s common in all of us is that we have all suffered terrible betrayal. The pathway to extricate ourselves is neither clear, nor easy. We were conned into the pretense of the relationship, and our very own brain chemistry can betray us by doing what it is supposed to do, cleave us to a loved one.
The same steps to free oneself from addiction to alcohol can be applied to free oneself from addiction to a relationship, so Al-anon is a very good choice in escaping from a betrayal bond. Even though we know the predators in our lives are toxic, we are deeply compelled by the tug of memories and a moral code that provides hope that through contact we can create change.
If the person were normal and reasonable, that would be the case. Sometimes, we have to succumb to the compelling tie with them enough times to firmly establish that no good will come of it. Whenever you break no-contact and get your heart bashed, yet again, you are that much clearer about what you need to do, and why…. and it gets easier to do it. It’s a process.
Joyce
Joyce…perfectly said! Thank you!
Lipstick, I just read an article about why people go into anxiety after a break-up. It has to do with survival – when a relationship ends, to the inner child, it is like the abandonment of a parent, and there is a lot of fear that the child won’t survive. This is true no matter which party ended the relationship. It takes a little time for the inner infant/child to feel safe again.
That is a very likely answer to your question, and I can’t believe it just popped up in my email from a newsletter I get about relationships. Yes, funny how we are all brought together and how we can all help each other!
Break-ups with psychopaths are a bit more “abandonment” laden than other separations. In normal breakups, the chemistry of love wanes over time, enabling us to more readily adjust to the change. Breakups with psychopaths, however, are breakups of “betrayal” and “betrayal” is a form of “abandonment.”