As a young child, my parents always called me the “party police”. I was the good girl who never liked to see people breaking the rules. I never smoked, never drank underage, never did drugs, and never stole anything. I grew up believing in justice and always believed that the courts and the police would protect me if and when I needed them. That belief ended when I entered a custody war with Luc (my psychopath ex).
Going through a custody war with a sociopath will change the way you view the justice system. In fact, most of my time in court with Luc felt more like an “injustice” system than anything that resembled justice. The painful lessons I learned about how our system works rocked me to my core.
As a parent who is madly in love with her baby boy (which most parents are), my maternal instincts were telling me to fight this man with everything I had. That being said, the very nature of our courts and what was happening throughout the trial felt like it was taking my stress to new levels. As I became weaker emotionally, Luc became stronger. He would file ridiculous motions to drive up my bills, sling as much mud at the walls of the court hoping that something would stick, and always find lawyers willing to represent him for free (or believing he would someday pay them back) and psychologists to make excuses for his immoral and criminal behavior.
Legal Abuse Syndrome and PTSD
Shortly after I fled Luc’s house with my son, my therapist diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He then explained to me that he believed I had something called “Legal Abuse Syndrome”. I had never heard this term so I looked it up on Wikipedia and learned that Legal abuse refers to abuses associated with both civil and criminal legal action. This abuse can originate from all parts of the legal system to include frivolous and vexatious litigants, abuses by law enforcement, incompetent, careless or corrupt attorneys and misconduct from the judiciary itself. Legal abuse is a personal injury that develops in individuals assaulted by ethical violations, legal abuses, betrayals, and fraud. Abuse of power and authority and a profound lack of accountability in our courts have become rampant.
Sociopaths and legal abuse
From what I have learned through both my independent research and my experiences, sociopaths enjoy chaos. They like to inflict pain on their victims in a way that appears sadistic. These individuals seem to flourish in Family Courts because its legally sanctioned abuse. I fled Luc’s house with my newborn son just weeks after baby boy was born. Even though I filed for custody a few days after leaving, Luc waited three months before he responded to my motion for custody. During those three months I didn’t hear anything from Luc about my son – not a text, a phone call, an email – nothing. So why did he wait so long? He wanted to wait until the day when he believed he would inflict as much pain as possible. He officially filed a response to the motion on my birthday.
Luc came into my life and completely destroyed my belief in law and order. One of the most painful lessons that I had to learn throughout my court battle with Luc was that psychopaths don’t play by normal rules. This is true in their lives and it is certainly the case in the courtroom. The most disturbing part about this was that Luc would get away with many of his lies because it would come down to my word against his. He knew how to play the game and what he could get away with. It was hard for me, at first, to anticipate his next move and prepare myself for the chaos. Laws are not always enforced and true criminals are experts at figuring out which laws they can break and which are so hard to prove that no prosecutor will bother taking the case. Psychopaths have a reckless disregard for the law and this allows them to play the system against us.
Overcoming Legal Abuse Syndrome and “The Death of Justice”
I still struggle with panic attacks when I think of all the things Luc has been able to do to me through the legal system and what he is capable of doing next. Sometimes it feels like Luc has stabbed me right outside of a Police Station. Instead of arresting Luc, the police rush to put me in handcuffs and arrest me for bleeding on Luc’s boots. (While apologizing to him and letting him know that they will make me buy him a new pair of shoes)
Justice as I knew it is dead and along with it went my youth and the naive version of myself. The small piece of little girl cappuccino queen I have left inside of me is storming around and throwing a huge fit. She is screaming and crying and stomping her feet. Grown up cappuccino queen, however, is constantly thinking of ways to protect her son while trying to quiet the little girl inside who is throwing a royal tantrum over the death of justice.
In my darkest moments of despair, however, I keep fighting. I fight because I have to and because I have no other choice. I am baby boy’s mom, I am his only healthy parent, and I love him.
In the brave words of Martin Luther King Jr.,
“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”
Cappuccino Queen,
I appreciate you sharing your experiences with us. You remind me a lot of me. Like you, I was always the good girl who did everything right. Qualities that attracted my ex husband, the spath.
We’ve been divorced over 3 years but he still had control over me for the early part of those years. Last year I started to put the pieces together and learned he was indeed a sociopath. I stopped responding to him, and when necessary I spoke up for myself without fear. He hates it! So now in the last year, he has started to use the judicial system against me and he’s dragged my innocent kids into his sick game.
I know he’s not done with the judicial system and his quest to bring me down. I continue to receive emails from him and he cc’s his law team in each one. He is trying to manipulate me in these emails. It’s so obvious he is trying to build a paper trail. Until I receive another lie-filled petition, I will continue to do what I’m doing–ignore him. I am also remaining diligent by saving everything and compiling my evidence.
Good for you for removing you and your son from an awful situation!!! So many people end up staying or stay too long as I did (10 years). I will always stand up for the truth and fight for my kids. I’ve learned a lot these past few months. I have Love Fraud to thank for a big part of my new found knowledge and my steps towards finally healing 🙂
Stay strong and please keep us posted!
2nd_chance, have you considered having an attorney write HIM a letter and tell him that if he has any further correspondence it should go through your attorney and that he and/or his attorney is not to contact you directly?
About a week after I left my ex, he had his attorney write a threatening letter saying that if I didn’t return my car (that he had been using since he didn’t own one) that he was going to sue me. He went on to say that being without a car was causing his client “mental anguish”. I didn’t respond to this note as I felt it was incredibly inappropriate (as my ex was already aware that I had gotten legal counsel). My lawyer sent his attorney a note directly telling him he was not to contact me ever again directly and that any attempts to do so would be considered harassment. I never got another letter from his attorney or him.
It is a pain to have to go through lawyers all the time, but if you do this…he no longer has the power to send messages whenever he wants. If he does, you can use this against him as harassment since you have already put him on notice.
These things are expensive, but getting legal counsel who will be the buffer will cut him off at the knees.
My advice, get a female lawyer and you can get good referrals through domestic violence support groups/advocacy groups. I wish I had done this to begin with. I think it could have saved me thousands of dollars and a lot of emotional frustration I went through try to explain my situation to a bunch of skeptical male attorneys who had never dealt with a Child Custody case with a sociopath on the opposing side.
It helps to find professionals who already understand what this looks like and know how to stop these people in their tracks.
Good luck and you keep us posted as well.
Dear CappuccinoQueen ~
Thank you for another great article.
Not only did I go through most of my life believing in the justice system, lollipops and rainbows, my husband has worked in the safety/law enforcement field all his career. After going through the “legal abuse” and feeling that same “death of justice”, I watched as my husband went through a deep, dark period of depression. He had spent his whole adult life committed to protecting people, yet he could not protect his own grandson from unspeakable, court sanctioned abuse and neglect. I believe the effects of this kind of treatment is something we will never fully recover from.
Your court motion was filed on your birthday – like stabbing you with a dull knife, instead of a sharp one. Our motion, came in the mail just before we were ready to sit down to a Christmas Eve Dinner, after a 5 year period of hearing nothing. We were forced to hide it from family and friends and go forward playing Santa for our grandson who had no idea his world was about to fall apart – AGAIN
I am so sorry for what you must go through to protect your innocent child. I am sending you all the courage and determination I can possibly find.
Stay strong
2nd Chance ~
Again, so sorry you are also among the victims. Have you ever considered Our Family Wizard. It is recommended by many courts. All correspondence must go through them and they keep a VERY complete records of any and all emails, The emails are automatically time stamped, when they were sent AND when they were read.
Maybe worth a “google”. I know Donna has recommended it here on LF.
Another hint on finding an attorney – try to get one that is very familiar with and practices primarily in the particular court your case is in. Snoop around and see if they are well regarded by the magistrates and judges within that court.
Best of luck and strength to you
Cappoccinoqueen,
You sound so much like me! You are using exact wording I have used all the way to your reference to the police helping him commit the crime against you!
I told my friend I felt like I was raped while the law held me down and threw him the ropes to detain me!!! Too close to your description. This is such a sick truth but I can say it is what happened from a different angle.
I have also been told about Legal Abuse Syndrome and the first time I heard that term was when I had to have a crisis team come to my home when my little girl admitted she’d been self harming for a month due to forced reunification with this animal. PTSD is a term I am also familiar with and have earned.
One of my biggest struggles was how to even begin to parent my daughter from this new state of mind when my core beliefs of the law were destroyed. My core belief in “the truth will prevail” was showing to be bunk.
How long have you been in this? Does Luc have a criminal record? Are you familiar with any lifelong patterns of his particular spath behavior?
Regarding those attorneys willing to take his case pro bono, I have found fathers rights initiative (tax payor) federal funds are being funnelled to these lawyers through non-profit organizations they have created.
With all that said nothing makes us feel better but time will show you this is in fact crime. As much as it feels like it is, it is. So your beliefs are still true but we have all been asleep as our laws became sickenly abused.
I have been going through this for 3 and a half years. I never thought he could hold up with these lies for 6 months! But the courts empowered him and made him bigger than life. While this has been terrorizing, I am seeing him unravel FINALLY! He just had an order of protection he even fought, placed on him by a harley mechanic and he is being sued. Not to mention he exposed his spath behavior to his brother from another part of the country who came to visit and when he first arrived, the word on the street was, I was bad, withholding his child, just wanting money blah blah. After spath showed he is in fact a fraud violent vile YUCK, the brother is saying my daughter should never be near him.
Oh what sweet words.
My point being, this has taken longer than I ever dreamed. But he’s unraveling. He destroyed my business, my credit, changed my daughter for life etc etc but it’s time for him to destroy himself which he does so well…………..
What you know in your heart is true. They seem oh so powerful but I looked like a POW for 2+ years of this and I see a difference in me so healing does come. Stay strong and keep getting all the support you can. People know and you are not alone.
Love and wishes,
Eralyn
Eralyn,
I am new to this custody war thing. I have only been at this for a year. Unfortunately, Luc has never been convicted of any of the crimes he has committed. He is arrested on average about twice a year for hideous crimes like child abuse and rape, but he always seems to get out of these things.
I can relate to your rape analogy. I have to try on a regular basis to ignore the rage I feel about having been “mind raped” by him.
As far as these “father’s rights” organizations, this concept of funneling money makes me sick. It would not surprise me if he was getting these groups to help him. He doesn’t seem to have a problem finding professionals to feel bad for him and allow him to play the victim.
I know that eventually he will unravel and he will have run out of people to manipulate into helping him. I just pray he doesn’t unravel by hurting my baby boy.
Cappaccinoqueen,
I am so sorry you have this in your life. I know the toll it takes on every aspect of our beings. You will get through this. When my case became a reality I remember a primal scream/cry come from me I had never heard before. It came from the depths. I have been on my knees, begging God in the shower, beside my bed on my knees praying and in the fetal position crying at times.
This type of life experience is beyond words. I can honestly say I didn’t think I would make it. Here I am and by no means unharmed but better than I expected. I am still functioning at a level unacceptable to me by far.
Does Luc use religion? There are a lot of faith based father funding going on also.
If you belong to a church, I would ask if they have any kind of help. More than anything else though I think hearing others who have gone through this, are going through this and hearing they shared my same feelings kept me sane at times to know someone understood and it wasn’t wrong that I was this messed up from it.
I am concerned about our safety with the unraveling of my spath as you never know who will be the target when things fall apart. They never seem to go down alone.
Watch for any opening in your favor and don’t ever let your guard down. No more Mrs. Nice Guy…
Good luck and hang in there and feel free to ask questions.
Remember you are a good mom and blame is the name of the court game. It’s not personal. It’s happening to all us.
Don’t let any attorney bully you. I had that too.
((((hugs)))))
Eralyn
Thanks again Eralyn,
No…Luc is not religious…though I wouldn’t put it past him to pretend he was if he knew there was money he could get out of the system.
You comment about “watch for any opening in your favor” is spot on. Sometimes the best thing we can do is try to keep out of dodge and WATCH from as much distance as possible. I am not going to let Luc get away with ANYTHING. As soon as he slips up and shows his butt again….we will go back to court and I will exploit his behavioral mistakes to the greatest extent possible.
Like I mentioned in my first post…this is a custody war. I have won some battles and he has one some as well…but its not over yet. My son is too important to me for me to turn my back and ignore the terrible parasitic and violent creature that is Luc.
You hang in there too. Be careful and make yourself a hard target. I think people like this are often opportunists. If you don’t give them an easy opportunity to attack…they will go find some other target.
Cappaccinoqueen,
I agree about the hard target. What blows my mind is how they’ll live a whole decade burning everyone in their path and turn around and come after you (me) with the same vengence as years ago.
His aunt said “you’re the only that was left for him to attack at the point of being released from prison”. He was using BS to con the family so if he targetted them again, he wouldn’t get their support as it would get around he wasn’t changed.
When he sent the letter from prison we’d be together wholly and completely as God does nothing in half measures and he’d prayed for 680 days, I thought he was just grasping. I in no way thought he had any true sights on me. It had been years. He asked nothing about his daughter as usual so I responded, “just leave us alone please. All you’ve ever brought to our lives was drama, trauma, and upset.” OOOOOPS!
I didn’t know the definition until he came weilding the family court power in our lives. A letter I will always regret.
He’s definitely not having the fun he thought he would have and it’s definitely not as easy as he thought to claim rights to a now 13 year old girl with hormones and attitude. LOL Oh and that expert quack he used to write a letter on his behalf pastor (unordained) LPC (former) who said he’s a changed man while he was still in prison and I knew he wasn’t from perjured affidavits he was filing to the courts, lost his LPC license from my substantiated complaint to his regulating board.
I think he’s moved on to basic targets. Got a copy of an order of protection a man filed against him in July. I wanted to thank that man…….still might.
They always step on themselves sooner or later……….May yours step on himself sooner than later…….
Eralyn
Eralyn,
You mentioned that you filed a complaint against that man who protected him and from it he lost his license. I was thinking about filing a complaint against the psychologist who “tested” Luc and presented her severely flawed findings to the court. She ignored clear signs of issues and even turned her report into an attack of ME (having never met me).
I go back and forth about reporting her because I don’t want Luc to think that I am still fighting him. (people have told me this will only make him worse.) I can’t stand the fact, however, that this woman’s unprofessional report is one of the main reasons he was able to get unsupervised visits.
Thoughts?