I searched the scientific literature for the best description of a female sociopath. None rivaled this one that is more than 4,000 years old:
For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil,
but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to Sheol;
she does not ponder the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
And now, O sons, listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house,
lest you give your honor to others
and your years to the merciless,
lest strangers take their fill of your strength,
and your labors go to the house of a foreigner (Proverbs 5:4-10)
Notice that the writer identifies the slick speech of a sociopath as well as the results of being fooled by her. He also identifies the profound lack of insight found in this disorder. Sociopathic women 4,000 years ago were also apparently using their sex appeal to con men out of money and possessions. This is indeed nothing new!
There is something inherently more repulsive and unbelievable about a female sociopath. Women by nature are preprogrammed to learn empathy and care-taking, the antithesis of sociopathic behavior. Indeed, one of the best indicators of sociopathy in a women is seen when the woman fails to care for her own child. It would seem then, that we would all be revolted by a female sociopath, so why do men become victims?
My own theory, which has been corroborated by many men who have written to Lovefraud, is that men accidentally fall victim to sociopathic women when they have sex with them. You see, normal men experience bonding just like normal women-especially when the sex is good. The sex with a female sociopath (I’m told) isn’t just good, it’s better than most mortal men have ever hoped for. Once hooked on the female sociopath, men become victims just as much as the women who become hooked on the male sociopath. Many male victims feel ashamed and emasculated. But, take heart guys, she actually preyed on the more masculine side of your nature, your enjoyment of sex!
Why are successful female sociopaths so sexual and so sexually appealing? Science does have some answers for us here. Testosterone which is elevated in many male sociopaths is also elevated in female sociopaths. Studies of non-disordered women indicate that higher testosterone levels are associated with increased sex drive, increased sexual activity and YES sexual attractiveness to men! High testosterone makes both male and female sociopaths sexually appealing. Testosterone may also be related to the lack of parenting behavior seen in sociopathic women. Women with higher testosterone have been found to be less interested in motherhood.
Men who have married and fathered children with sociopathic women face special challenges. They deserve all our love and support. The courts often do not recognize that a sociopathic woman is incapable of functioning as a mother. Fathers are left to helplessly watch as precious children suffer at the hands of their mother.
The courts would be wise to get smart and take heed because studies of adopted children reveal a terrible truth about female sociopaths. Female sociopaths carry stronger genes for the disorder than do males. A mother is more likely to pass this trait to children she has never met than is a father.
Even with a biologic mother who is a sociopath, children can do well if they receive exceptionally good parenting. If you are a man facing this situation, I invite you to visit Tips for Single Fathers, and to write Lovefraud with your story. We hope to one day be in the position to lobby for the rights of children of both male and female sociopaths.
I have posted my own experiences with a fem-soc here:
http://transsociopathica.blogspot.com/
I begin contact with a Sociopath in Mid October 2009 on a highly reputable dating site. We were originally matched in September but I did not initiate contact until October. I was very ready to meet someone and fall in Love. On the first day of contact we were already talking on the phone. Our conversations over the next few days lasted for hours. We talked about every subject that we could think of. I felt I had met my soul mate. Within 2 weeks we had made plans for me to visit her in her town, several states away from me. A month after meeting her online I was boarding a plane to visit her. When I arrived at the airport I was welcomed by this women that was more beautiful than her pictures online. I felt as though I had won the Love lottery. The weekend I spent with her was amazing. She catered to me as though she was reading my mind. I asked for breakfast and received an amazing culinary creation. We had sex and it was passionate and frequent. When I was leaving I felt as though I was being torn away. After I arrived back in my city. Our phone conversations continued to the same intensity as before. One day in conversation, she mentioned to me that she was going to visit her friend in Virginia, in December. I did not think nothing of it until she all of a sudden had phone technical issues once she arrived to see her friend. She called me once during the weekend. She later apologized about her phone difficulties and her wanting to spend time with her best female friend. I knew something was fishy. She came to visit me on December 31 to bring in the New Year. We had an incredible time each day she was here. On the last day of her visit, just a week ago, I asked a question. I simply said ” I know what happened in Virginia”. She replied back with why did you allow this time to pass before you said this. She immediately went on the defensive. I just used reverse psychology to get her to admit. I was shocked that she was telling me about this guy she visited to end their friendship, yes friendship. She tried to lie and say she met a guy online that no sex was involved and she wanted to formally end everything with him. I wanted to believe her so bad, because I loved her at that point. We talked a few more days after she went back but I was too disgusted to continue. Her attitude with me being upset and emotionally disrupted was a a brief I’m sorry then a crazy sociopath statement. “You are in control over your emotions, not me”. She failed to realize or care about the pain she had caused me. I truly believed we were in Love and in a monogamous relationship. From first contact to being over was just a little over 2.5 months. That may seem like a short period of time, but it has had a strong emotional and physical toll on me.
Key Points to previous post.
I found out that she has mini relationship with guys in different cities. In her home city she presents herself as an angel who volunteers her time to the needy and can’t find a good qualified man that deserves such a great women.
She told me horrendous stories of abuse that happened in her family. I realize she told me these stories because she was catering to me being a compassionate person. She was good at her deception but my sixth sense kicked in…..
Thank God…..
Acer – welcome if you haven’t already been welcomed here. If you have … well have a second welcome 🙂
Even a short amount of time with a disordered person can have a profound effect on your emotions and reasoning capacity. Sounds like you had a lucky escape but it has left some damage for you. Read through the archives and you’ll find lots of wonderful articles that identify and explain in great depth the minutae of these relationship dynamics and the disorder itself.
Sorry you had such a bad experience, but glad you found the site – you’ll find good people here and plentiful support
Quest.. this is a profound comment..
“Psychopaths are merchants of nonsense and distorted reality . Reality is your one defense against a psychopath , hang on to it at all costs.”
And soooo true…
In my opinion, a sexual connection is a chemical reaction to another..
I had no sexual reaction to mine.. in fact, he was a turn off… I was literally repulsed at times and his touch felt like claws…
I felt it in my gut yet I stayed for awhile and watched yet participated.. he was so charismatic and contrived.. he wanted to make us happen so badly..
I have watched women like are described in the first post .. My father has had several after him and I can spot them at first site.. it is so obviously feigned ..
but I get caught by men that are like that.. and the interaction of attraction is the same.. except that they are feigning it..
Acer,
Welcome, and kudos to you for stepping away from the Krazy so quickly. Though I understand the hurt and shock, despite the seemingly short timeframe. I had a somewhat similar experience. After a month found he was sleeping with another ‘friend’, that he met, and started sleeping with, on the very same night he started sleeping with me.
I however went with the Krazy explanation- that he wanted a monogamous relationship and needed to weigh which one of us it would be with (now I understand he was just deciding who was the better ‘mark’, and who had more goodies he could suck up)- and stayed in for another 9 months. It only gets more and more ridiculous. The sex gets weird, with holding and more straying, and the abuse comes on full force. So it is wonderful that you made your break and can get the healing started!
Welcome!
Thanks for the Warm Welcome,
It is exactly one week since the truth officially came out. I’m still feeling the emotions of wanting to be with her. It is truly amazing what you discover about yourself when you experience the wrath of a sociopath. I understand now that I was seeking Love and communicated that openly with her in the beginning. She was masterful in being a great listener. She never really asked me questions, I pretty much disclosed everything about myself openly. I initially avoided her profile on the dating site because something did not sit right with me with one of her pictures. It’s weird but in one of her pictures she was smiling at a party but looked empty inside. This disturbed me because I was concerned she might have some serious emotional issues. The picture was red flag # 1. Red flag # 2 was how she looked at me when I visited her. It was a cold reptilian stare that she continued at times for the duration of my visit and her visit to see me. I asked her why was she looking at me like she was looking through me. She replied I’m just trying to soak in the short time we are together. This was extremely weird to me. Red Flag # 3, she was quickly repeating any words of affection I had for her with emphasis. Example: I said ” I love you baby”, her reply ” I REALLY LOVE YOU BABY” in almost a child like demeanor. After she confessed a week ago to visiting a guy in VA. She stated she did not have any sexual relationship with the guy. She said she wanted to contact a relationship counselor so we could talk it out. I agreed but still pushed for a complete confession. She contacted a relationship psychologist in my city and scheduled a phone consultation. We talked to the Dr. who stated that I must really care a lot to want to work it out after such a short time knowing her. In this short time I had actually feel in Love with the illusion. I kept pressing her to tell the truth. I wanted to hear her say she slept with the guy to totally lose my respect for her. This is how engulfed she had me. After tireless pressing of the issue she admitted that her visit to Virginia involved sex. She went as far as to use a friend to pose as the guy from VA and pretend as though they never had any sexual contact before she confessed. She expended a lot of energy trying to keep me caught in the web. At the same time I continued to neglect my better sense and tried to rationalize all of signs God was giving me.
Acer:
The S I fell in love with did so many of the things your S did. The high-intensity rush up front, the great sex, the childlike mannerisms and the S eyes. Also, I pushed for couple’s counselling up front (what the hell relationship I thought I was saving still escapes me). Never went, but mine took a slightly different tack — whenever he knew I was at the end of my rope, then he’d announce that “You’re right. I’ve been running from my problems and need to go into therapy.” Never happened, all it did was soften me up to give him whatever he wanted on that particular day.
I was with my S 15 months. I wouldn’t wish those 15 months on my worst enemy. Count your blessings that you got out fast with your sanity and finances intact.
quest — your comment is a keeper: “If it doesn’t make sense, then it’s probably nonsense. Psychopaths are merchants of nonsense and distorted reality. Reality is your one defense against a psychopath, hang on to it at all costs.”
Worth posting on my fridge as a reminder.
Acer,
I understand the left over feelings of love and bonding. Even in light of the ‘truth’ of what she is. It baffles the mind a bit to find that we can have tender feelings for someone we know damn well is nothing but harm to us. Sex does that. Seduction, and the unspoken promise to fulfill our deepest needs does that (read Kathy Hawkes articles for more on this). Chemical bonds happen. They take a while to ‘come down’ from.
You don’t sound at all like you are compelled. But if you feel like contacting her, come here instead and read your brains out, till the feeling passes. But, like I said, you sound pretty solid, and I sense that you may be in a place to understand what happened, and why, and move on.