I searched the scientific literature for the best description of a female sociopath. None rivaled this one that is more than 4,000 years old:
For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil,
but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to Sheol;
she does not ponder the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
And now, O sons, listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house,
lest you give your honor to others
and your years to the merciless,
lest strangers take their fill of your strength,
and your labors go to the house of a foreigner (Proverbs 5:4-10)
Notice that the writer identifies the slick speech of a sociopath as well as the results of being fooled by her. He also identifies the profound lack of insight found in this disorder. Sociopathic women 4,000 years ago were also apparently using their sex appeal to con men out of money and possessions. This is indeed nothing new!
There is something inherently more repulsive and unbelievable about a female sociopath. Women by nature are preprogrammed to learn empathy and care-taking, the antithesis of sociopathic behavior. Indeed, one of the best indicators of sociopathy in a women is seen when the woman fails to care for her own child. It would seem then, that we would all be revolted by a female sociopath, so why do men become victims?
My own theory, which has been corroborated by many men who have written to Lovefraud, is that men accidentally fall victim to sociopathic women when they have sex with them. You see, normal men experience bonding just like normal women-especially when the sex is good. The sex with a female sociopath (I’m told) isn’t just good, it’s better than most mortal men have ever hoped for. Once hooked on the female sociopath, men become victims just as much as the women who become hooked on the male sociopath. Many male victims feel ashamed and emasculated. But, take heart guys, she actually preyed on the more masculine side of your nature, your enjoyment of sex!
Why are successful female sociopaths so sexual and so sexually appealing? Science does have some answers for us here. Testosterone which is elevated in many male sociopaths is also elevated in female sociopaths. Studies of non-disordered women indicate that higher testosterone levels are associated with increased sex drive, increased sexual activity and YES sexual attractiveness to men! High testosterone makes both male and female sociopaths sexually appealing. Testosterone may also be related to the lack of parenting behavior seen in sociopathic women. Women with higher testosterone have been found to be less interested in motherhood.
Men who have married and fathered children with sociopathic women face special challenges. They deserve all our love and support. The courts often do not recognize that a sociopathic woman is incapable of functioning as a mother. Fathers are left to helplessly watch as precious children suffer at the hands of their mother.
The courts would be wise to get smart and take heed because studies of adopted children reveal a terrible truth about female sociopaths. Female sociopaths carry stronger genes for the disorder than do males. A mother is more likely to pass this trait to children she has never met than is a father.
Even with a biologic mother who is a sociopath, children can do well if they receive exceptionally good parenting. If you are a man facing this situation, I invite you to visit Tips for Single Fathers, and to write Lovefraud with your story. We hope to one day be in the position to lobby for the rights of children of both male and female sociopaths.
I’m still going through this level of shock over meeting someone like her. Your exactly right SLIMONE about the SEX. I now have an anxiety over potentially being exposed to something from our sexual contact. I went to the Doctor yesterday for a battery of testing. This information we have shared with each other is vital for more people to read. We need to push this to the mainstream. I asked several people to explain what a sociopath is. There definition was that of a movie type serial killer. With this ignorance more and more people will encounter the S and not know what hit them…..
I remember a blogger here named ‘Big Dude” he was involved with a female sociopath and was really having a tuff time with it. He once said that ‘ this was his only chance at love’..I related to that. Big Dude are you out there? Hows your life going?
Acer,
Good for you, for going to the doc. Many of us here ended up being tested. And you are so right. Most people believe spatholes are serial killers and child predators. They have NO idea they are working for them, have them as neighbors. It is a quite revolution, this new spread of knowledge.
I know I have run into other people who have been targeted, and I tell them what I know and watch the lights go on. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Bells start to ring, and I know I have reached them and that they won’t be falling for it again. So, it is slow going.
I hope you will keep coming here, as you need to.
I am wondering if this is a good place to figure out if my wife is a psychopath.
She is beautiful, she can light up a room with her presence. Equally she can darken a room with her coldness.
The one thing I know for sure is that I don’t ever recall her truly being sorry. She has said it, texted it, written it. However I have never once seen her sincerely be sorry for anything. I have been with her nearly 15 years. I have never her seen her feel remorse about her actions towards anyone. When she would say she was sorry, she expects a person to just simply drop the subject because she said sorry. You know that feeling someone gets when they just feel bad they hurt you, or how you feel when you hurt someone? And you feel sad, and you say or they, I am so sorry I hurt you? I have never seen that. So when she says sorry, I never feel like what is going on will change, at least not for the reasons of compassion. I have seen things change out of not wanting to be inconvenienced.
Yet any wrong doing to her would be rehashed over and over again.
On the same token I have seen her cry when she is sad, cry during tear jerking movies, cry for other reasons. So it confuses me.
I have also never her heard her take the blame or responsibility for anything. Any wrong doing of hers end with a “because of” and either ends with something that has happened to her from me or someone else.
I say why do you blame me for all of your actions? She will say she doesn’t, and then finish the discussion with something like, “I just don’t say these things to you because you will just…”
Isn’t that still blaming me?
She says she was abused by her step dad, but doesn’t really have any thing to back it up. No real concrete memories or anything. I don’t ever tell her I doubt her because it would be horrible if it were true. The thing is, he step dad is a complete a-hole and a drunk, but something is not sitting right with the story. She can’t say really when or how old she was. No real solid story of what abuse took place.
She ran away from home at 16. She abused drugs. She told lies and made people feel sorry for her to gain status, a place to stay, money. When I met her I didn’t even know she had a daughter, who I have raised since she was a baby, because she left her with her mother full time. She doesn’t want to be close to any of my friends. And if we have mutual friends, she has to feel they will take her side in a dispute, or they are traitors and they are only my friends. Even if they want to simply stay nuetral.
I am bipolar, in remission now, and with my illness I did many stupid things. It’s been several years, I have my career on track as a software engineer, my kids love spending time with me. I have good true friends. I can look at the present and honestly say, I am far from perfect, but I do the very best I can for my family and I am proud of that.
But still to this day I am to blame for every single one of her problems.
For the most part she could seem very normal to everyone.
She is a leader when it comes to having a pack. However, she has never had a friend she could call life long. I have friends that have been close to me for years and years.
To the point we are like family to each other. She does not have one friend like that. Not at all.
She is not real motherly either. Not really involved with the kids on an emotional level. For years she was a stay at home mom, but didn’t get them in soccer, regular dentist appts. etc.
I had to do that.
She obsesses over herself. She is 35, beautiful, perfect body, slim, prefect appearance in every way. Yet she says she is fat, balding?, wrinkly, etc, when she looks better than most women 10 years younger. Everything she talks about has to do with her or her activities, nothing about anyone else.
For a year she was obesessed with working out. 4 hours each day. Now she is in to an extreme sport called roller derby. Our family is constantly put to the side for her activity. She can be gone up to 4 nights a week. Last weekend was mine and my sons birthday. She had a busy schedule with her sport. She had nothing prepared for us. She was gone until 4 in the afternoon on our sons 7th birthday. He had to wait almost the whole day to celebrate since she was gone. We had plans to have dinner with our friends that night for my birthday but I cancelled since she got home so late in the day. I didn’t feel right about taking off a couple of hours after he just got done opening his presents. When I told her I thought we should cancel, she said, “I knew I was going to pay the price for being gone a few hours!”
I do feel she does love me, the kids, and others, to what level I do not know. We rarely get any physical affection. Her emails are sweet during the day. In person is a different story.
My daughter who is 16 complains that her mom gets mad if she wants a hug. Sex is all but gone. I get flirted with and told I am an attractive man. I get nothing from her. She blames me or her trauma for not having sex. She has to have the prefect scenereo for us to do it. That scenereo changes which is hard because I can never get a romantic system down. We can never plan to have sex. Or she will make empty promises of sex at a later time, and it does not happen. Either it’s too late in the day, or I didn’t approach her the right way, but it’s generally my fault for her not wanting to. Sometimes she will do it either out of obligation or as a reward, but its very rare.
She loves for me to massage her back, tickle her back to get her sleepy. It can be months before I ever get a massage. I call her a “taker”. What I mean by that is she loves to take the affection but not give it.
I love her so much and if there is a chance this can get better, I want to fix it. Being bipolar I was able to get on the right medications, and I have been in remission and doing great for a long time. However, what I have been reading is that there is nothing that can be done about someone who is a psychopath/sociopath.
My ramblings can go on and on. So Can anyone help? How do I figure this out. I want the best for my kids first and foremost. I want to be happy also. I want my wife to love and respect me for who I am, not only for what I can do for her.
I really am desparate to figure this out. I am so smart in many ways, I have wisdom and can help others in their lives. But when it comes to myself and my emotions, I am of no use. I am afraid to give up on her if she is someone that can be helped. I do not believe in just giving up on people. It’s just, it’s not changing. Please your feedback and knowlege is much appreciated.
I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am the one who is married to her, I am the one who has a family with her. Untimately my destiny is up to me, and I will be the one to blame for what happens in my future. I just want to make the best educated decision I can make for the future of my children as well as myself. Where do I turn to?
Duder, you have EXACTLY, to a T, described my 45 year old daughter. Exactly! If I was asked to write a character study of her, it would be a carbon copy of your wifes description.! She left her nice husband nearly 4 years ago. She has thrown away her home, her husband, her 3 kids, her Mum,{me,} many great jobs, good friends whom she used once too often. She isa liar, a thief, a con artist, still looks good at 45, but as you described, in photos, the fake smile doesnt reach her eyes. Its all fake, a pose.I notice that her so called “friends” on facebook are getting younger and younger, as the old friends have sussed her out, and moved on.her ex husband says shes the coldest person emotionally hes ever met.I think she sucked him in with the promise of great sex, but he once told me she never used to even put her arm round him, and say, “How was your day, darling?” he said he felt he was dying from lack of affection.She has sponged off me , and used me financially for years, but last June I pulled the pin and told her “The Mum bank is now closed”. Since then, not a word from her.They behave like grandiose, special entitled beings.
I think she feels superior to the rest of humanity. Everything is always about HER.She is totally phoney and totally selfish.
As my daughter I still have some love left for her, {not much now, } but asa human being I cant stand her! I hate liars, I hate users, and con artists. I am well rid of her, and so is her ex, who now has the 3 kids full time.Sh e has them most weekends, and they still adore her.I suppose thats a good thing.God knows what will become of her, when she has finally conned her very last friend, and is truly on her own. What then? They are sick sick creatures. Love, and good luck! GeminigirlXX
Duder,
Does your wife lie? If so, she may be a sociopath. In any event, she certainly sounds like a narcissist.
Either way, you need to realize that there is no treatment and she will not change.
Duder:
The fact that she cries when she is sad, or at tear-jerking movies means absolutely NOTHING.
A psychopath (if she is one) can cry on cue better than the best actors in Hollywood. They have the most brilliant acting skills. So, don’t be taken in by tears.
Duder, has this woman ever cheated on you? Do you think she would? Is it possible that she could be cheating on you at the present time?
Did you express to her that it hurt you when she did not have anything planned for you and your son’s birthdays?
What was her response? Was she receptive, or did she dismiss the entire conversation?
Does she get bored easily?
Does she hate being alone?
Is she obsessed with money?
I suggest you start asking yourself a few questions, and watch for patterns in her behavior.
The fact that you have been with this woman for 15 years, and you are this confused about her behavior is troubling to me.
I admire you for not wanting to give up on her.
There are a lot of great articles here about personality disorders. I would advise you to keep reading and educating yourself on the subject.
Good Luck.
It’s interesting. When she is home, she would rather be left alone. Sitting in front of the TV. No interaction with me or the kids. The times she wants to spend time with us is if it has to do with her skating as us being involved with only the things she wants to do.
She seems to have to surround herself with people that she feels are beneath her or will feed her ego. She has certain friends that think she is abused and she needs to get away from me. They don’t even know a thing about me nor have even met me. Those who do know me and have spent time around us don’t believe her.
I don’t know if she lies to me. I think she is really good at it and I would never know. She will tell me she won’t do something and then does it anyway with an attidue that she can do as she pleases and answers to no one. She tells me she is not good at lying. She says she hates liars and cheats. For the most part she is honest, but her rules are always a one way street. She doesn’t follow the standards she expects me to live up to.
I know she constantly talks bad about me, especially when she is mad. She doesn’t do it to my friends or our mutual friends since they aren’t conned by her. Not too long ago she left me, took everything out of the house, along with the kids, and lived with her friend rent free for a month! She had her friend convinced I was a horrible person and played off her sympathy. It was so odd.
I just know that if I am upset about something I am just “bitching”. Somehow it all gets turned around on me.
No matter how I try to approach her, it ends up with her angry. She does NOTHING wrong.
I got laid off from my job of two years due to the economy. I was really upset. She had practice that night. I asked her to stay home with me for support which I never do. She didn’t. She promised me when she got back we would do anything I wanted, she would spend time with me. When she got home, she had nothing to do with me. I was crushed. Later that week it was important for her to spend time with her friends who was upset because her husband just got laid off. It made me feel so bad that she was there for her and not me.
I tell her how I feel, she says she is not a affectionate person. She used to be more than she is now.
For about a year she would tell me she didn’t love me anymore which would last for a week or two, then she would love me and tell me how good of a husband I was for another week or two. This cycle has been on and off for some time.
It’s very hard for me since I am in love with her. I see her giving attention to her friends, attention I want. She is good to outsiders but not to me.
She is not a law breaker at all. She does not like having conflict with the law at all. It was me that would get in to a lot of trouble. She knew how to push my buttons big time. Before I knew I was bipolar it was easy to set me off. It felt like she wanted to bring out the bad side in me knowing I was ultra sensitive. I would get upset and do something stupid like get in to the car mad, do something stupid, and then she could justify how crazy I was. Now that I am well, she cannot do that to me any more. I can keep my cool and not react irrationally. I do know that I am a care taker. I love helping people, I feel good about being good support for my friends and family. Until recently, she would belittle me and make me feel horrible to the point I would give her anything she wanted. But yet it never made her happy with me. She would say if she had this, or if I would do that, things would be better, but the only thing it does is keep the peace.
Does this sound like a sociopath? How do I find out for sure?
hi duder –
Your whole paragraph that starts with, ‘i don’t know if she lies to me’, is full of the ways she lies to you and others.
there is a very good book, available online and here in the lovefraud store, called the Betrayal Bond, that explains how we bond to people like your wife. There are also articles here, that will help to explain it. (articles on chemistry, hormones, nuero-pathways, and trauma)
there are also articles about the shared traits that those of us who have been involved with narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. i know you are a guy, but ‘women who love pyscopaths’ is another book you may want to read.
Most of us here aren’t professionals, and can’t diagnose your wife, but their is a wealth of information and experience here for you to draw on. So read. Read lots.
one step
Thank you all for your responses. I might add that yes she has severe hormone issues to the point she has to take flutamide an androgen blocker. It took me years to get her to a doctor, and once they did testing, her estrogen levels were so low it was scary. She still had no sex drive though.