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By | June 21, 2012 103 Comments

Finding the pieces of my soul

Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote, “Lessons from Jurassic Park: Sociopaths simply are.”

When I first realized that my marriage was over, I was literally overwhelmed with the ensuing emotions that followed my initial discovery. After the exspath left and I had an opportunity to do some in-depth financial research, the emotions centered around fear and despair. Fear with regard to my immediate and foreseeable future, and despair with regard to the gravity of the obvious marriage-for-money-only.

I’ve been grappling with fear and despair for a good while, now. Sometimes, I have fits of one (or, both) that seem almost paralyzing – I don’t want to speak to people, I don’t want to hear from people, and I don’t want to leave the room that I’m staying in. I can’t make other people “get it” about the severity of my situation, and I’ve stopped trying. I don’t even want to hear a vague reference to the exspath or what a rat-turd he is. What I want is for the fear and despair to evaporate and leave me clean, fresh, new, and redeemed. Well, that’s just not going to happen. So, how can I get through these fits?

Lately, I’ve the fits have been getting shorter in duration and intensity. Yippee. But, what I’m finding in their wake is this hollow feeling of just being absent. I’m feeling as hollow as an empty soup can, and I’m having a hard time filling that void up with something positive. The soup was tainted, and some remnants are still sticking to the sides of that can. But, what’s left is this toxic void.

Painting again

Last week, I picked up a paintbrush and put pigment on a canvas for the first time in a long, long time. I began painting something dark and menacing – a particular scene from a well-known fantasy novel that had always been in my imagination. This was a departure from my typical subject matter, and I finished a sketch that I was satisfied with. I’ll be starting on a better version of the initial sketch and put all of my fears and disquiet onto the canvas.

What I’ve discovered is that I had found a tiny bit of my soul that the exspath had cut away and left lying around. I picked that wee bit of myself up, and stuffed it back where it came from. Yeah, it had a lot of dirt and grime on it, and it’s quite misshapen from having been trampled upon, but it’s still mine and I took it back rather than stepping over it or sweeping it up and tossing it out.

And, the relevance of this find to my issues of fear, despair, and hollow soup can? In spite of my fits of fear and despair, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still a flipping viable human being with something important to do. I don’t know what that “something” might be, but I have “A Reason” for being here, and that fact diminishes the power of the both fear and despair. I’m not as hollow as I think I am and a good, cleansing rainstorm can fill that empty soup can up in minutes. I don’t have to feel this way and no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.

Power of “Doing Something”

I am changed, to be sure. I no longer trust, easily. I don’t tolerate bullshit well, anymore. I make tough decisions that aren’t always warm and fuzzy. And, I am okay with all of this, I think.

No matter what stage of recovery I’m in, I want to convey the incredible power of “Doing Something,” even if it’s just an attempt to seize back some part of my soul that was taken and damaged. There is true power in this and there is self-validation in this.  And, whenever I begin to feel fear about the exspath and what he might say/do in Court, I picture him standing in front of the Judge, naked, and covered in mayonnaise.  If I can laugh, I’m alive and I am moving away from the carnage.

No, none of us will ever be “the same” person we were before our experiences with a sociopath. But, I intend to snatch every little piece of my soul that I find laying around, no matter what condition it’s in. And, I’m going to fill up my soup can with ME. My experiences were just that: dreadful experiences. I’m a survivor, now. I’m recovering, now. I am not a victim, nor will I behave like one. My whining will be confined to venues where I can do it, quickly, and get it out of my system. The Truths of my experiences are reserved for those who “get it.”

Everything, from this point onward, is pure gravy.


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Ox Drover

Dear Adelade,

This is a wonderful article and I can so relate to everything you say there.

I still have those “fits” of rage, despair, and feeling empty from time to time…and the oddest things trigger them. I’m learning to control them some of the time, most of the time, but no I am not the person I was before I came to the awareness of all “this”—THANK GOD I AM NOT THE SAME!

Sure, there are pieces of me that were trampled, folded, stapled and mutilated…but I’ve learned lessons that are invaluable!

I don’t trust indiscriminately
I don’t put up with BS, dishonesty, liars, or people who are unkind
I do have boundaries
I do enforce those boundaries
I do put myself FIRST
I can say “no” without feeling guilty

The price I paid (and you paid) for this knowledge from the “school of hard knocks” was high tuition, but now that it is paid, and the lessons learned, my life will, like yours, go on. I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor! A bit bent, and war weary but none the less, a SURVIVOR!

Towanda! Great article!

strongawoman

Adelaide,

An inspiring, eloquent post. We may be down but we’re not out. Life goes on and it’s definitely for living. Thank you.

Illegitimi non carborundum

savvy

Adelade and all: I am not out of my “spath” relationship….yet… but I already find I having been experiencing similar “fits”, if you will…fear … of being alone…again…depression….. don’t want to do anything ….. could care less about people who I once called “frfiends”….. they don’t understand as you said.. when I describe my “spath” to my BFF…. nothing…. from her…. yes, they are probably sure ‘I’m” the crazy one… ….

One day about 6 months ago, I searched on “Personality disorders” and found this site… thank God for this site…… It made me realize that I AM NOT the ABNORMAL one.. he is… when things happen, I just have to keep telling myself… this is not normal…. he is not normal… he will never be normal.. .so don’t EXPECT NORMALCY, you won’t get it… ever….. It’s just a MOT (matter of time), I know… he just told me it would be a “personal disaster” if I wasn’t in his Life, anyone heard that one? I laughed inside…. BS you SOB……oh, and we are “attached”… and will be for a long long time……… when I hink about cutting that string for good.. .I go into that “fit” of feelings and can’t even breathe…… some days I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore.. I work at a great Company, am paid well, could retire, but will hang in there for a bit longer… but if I didn’t have my work/job… I don’t know what I’d do with myself… I know I have to get it together…soon or I will become useless to myself and my immediate family. who I know really ‘love’ me…. Thank you LoveFraud and all on it for your Blogs and reading your experiences.. I keep coming back to it… to reassure mysefl that “I” am OK….. and will be even better soon, I hope.

KarmaChameleon

Hi Savvy,

You are not abnormal. You are not crazy. The fact that you searched ‘personality disorders’ shows that you KNEW he was the problem.

I hope you can get out soon.

savvy

Thank you, Karma.. I keep re-reading these posts sometimes..it helps to do just that much……I must do what Adelade says.. .”Do something” ……I’ll get out and I’ll survive.. I have to belive that… 🙂

KarmaChameleon

Good for you! Have you been reading about trauma bonds? Those bonds make it so hard to move on from the relationship. And the fact that you still have to listen to his crazy- making doesn’t help.

Truthspeak

Savvy, hang in there. Karma brought up a VERY good point about the trauma bond. Combine that with “shame,” and it’s like Spath Gorilla Glue – we “FEEL” as if we’re stuck with them, for life!

Counselor said to me: feelings are not facts. Oh, boy….what a great mantra that was for me!

HUGS

savvy

Trauma Bond.. have not heard of that term… Is that like related to PTSD? Maybe that’s what we’re all going thru…:)

I love the term “Spath Gorilla Glue”.. thank you.. that is exactly what it feels like.. stuck to them…. and your “feelings are not facts”.. neither is “I love you” from the spath.. it’s neither a “feeling or a “fact”.. just a W O R D….

KarmaChameleon

Trauma bonds, betrayal bonds, you might want to google both of those terms. There are very complex psychological and physiological reasons it is so hard to leave an spath. Have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

PTSD is a different animal.

Spaths can’t love.

Truthy is a riot! Spath gorilla glue is priceless.

RobertinSeattle

Adelade –

Thanks for opening up and sharing. Been dealing with a fast and shocking breakup myself and at first, I kept thinking about what I needed to do to change and protect myself. But I realized I am who I am and being a very open and honest person at all times is what defines me. If I become cynical and angry, she wins. I still want to attract the best person I deserve – if I put out a negative vibe with walls all around, the consequences will be disastrous.

That’s not to say that you don’t learn from the lessons of what just happened. I’m still analyzing the events of the past 6 months to see how I was quickly drawn into her web. But seeing it all in its entirety and as a big picture, it looks very different. Each individual act taken alone would be wonderful things but in their entirety, it’s now very chilling. So while you can keep your eyes open, one has to be careful not to make yourself so cynically cautious that suddenly everyone starts to look like a sociopath. All too easy to do, especially when we’re still hurting.

Sadly, I have a feeling that there are probably a disproportionately higher number of spaths on all the online dating sites (just like in other areas where they can rule) since it not only lets them put up a good front but they can also peruse their victims’ profiles freely to determine their strengths and weaknesses to push your buttons. (Ask Donna all about that!) For better or for worse, there are all too many of us who don’t drink or go to bars or clubs etc. to meet people; finding people online is often the only forum to search for others with common interests. Wonder if there’s a way to convince some of the dating services into providing more feedback and/or warning forums to weed out the spaths. (Probably not because it’s all about numbers for most of them – but we can try!)

Ah – the things we do for love!

Ox Drover

Dear Robert,

While I live in the boondocks and have limited ways of meeting people (I’m a widow) I realize that on line dating venues is like fishing in a sewer, the only things you will catch there are TURDS!

Bars are not much better for meeting people either…

I realize though that being “alone” is not all that bad, it sure beats being in a bad relationship!

I dated a guy for a while that I had met through my living history group, and he was a psychopath trying to find a new respectable wife to keep his harem in line. His wife of 32 years had finally caught him cheating and kicked him out.

He was a full fledged psychopath, but it was only getting to know him well that I realized that. By then my heart was broken. I also realized that because I was “needy” and was seeking a new partner after my husband died that I was open to being conned by a psychopath who love bombed me. Thank God that I did not marry him before I figured out what he was.

I haven’t dated much since then but I have watched for RED FLAGS in the men I have dated. I suggest if you have not read Donna’s book RED FLAGS that you do so, it is an excellent book and pointing out the ways to spot them in people you meet so that you can avoid another encounter with a LOVE FRAUD.

KarmaChameleon

Hi Robert,

I met my P online too.

I’m not dating again yet, but sometimes I do go online and read the profiles and play Spot the Spath.

darwinsmom

Adelade,

Keep on painting! Doing creative and graphic creative work helped me to slowly return to my center. I felt like I was doing something again that was pure me, and for no other reason than to be creative. The second part that was pure me was starting new studies. Learning, through life and intellectually, is also something very “me”. I loved anything I learned at school, even as a teen. And after a few months of this, the self-empowering insights started to come and helped me back to function.

So, I’m glad you found something to do for just yourself that makes you feel yourself again. Because I know myself how much it helps to heal!

New Beginning

My ex spath of 30 yrs had a profile up on Match.com. The only truths in it were his gender and the state he lived in.

KarmaChameleon

Wait, I think I spotted him! 🙂

Frandee

This was me too, I wasn’t married but in a long term relationship, I think I have gone thru all the “phases” and now I am at the “now what” stage, I DON’T want to date, I have to many issues, (not just from the spath), I take baby steps and then some days I wake up and say, really I have to go out into the world again!!! I play “spot the spath” too, they ARE everywhere! I just hope I am strong enough to one day really participate in the world again! Right now I am just taking it day to day, trying to fix my finances and feel like a human being again!!

KarmaChameleon

I hear you, Suzee. I made the mistake of going on a date a while back. The guy told me he loved me after the first date. I think I need to hone my spath spotting radar.

onelukygurl

How true this posting is…finding the pieces of my soul!
This reminds me of all Ive forgotten about myself and how the spath willingly and easily ‘took’ those parts of me that were kind, generous, giving, trusting, funloving and filled with life and squeezed every ounce out of me I had to offer.
I was once told “I want to be loved too much and held too tight but your boundaries kept out alot of what I needed the most.” To this day Im baffled by the statement as I simply dont ‘get’ what he was saying.
I gave, believing what I was doing was ‘showing’ my love and concern for him. I gave, believing he was able to see my intentions of showing love and care, although he repeatedly took advantage of my willingness. Oh the arguments when boundaries to my giving were enforced! How DARE I not allow him to take whatever he wanted from me…after all, THAT was what a person does when they LOVE another! The kicker was that he had nothing I wanted or needed…except what I thought to be his ‘heart’.
After my grandmother died and I was in shambles, he again took advantage of my altered state. At least he tried, and looking back now, somehow I was able to maintain a level of boundaries EVEN THOUGH I was in shambles, blocking his attempts at penetrating the personal boundaries I have had my whole life. He couldn’t get my soul…not even at my weakest point, not even when I was MOST vulnerable. I STILL had more dignity and respect than he could ever possibly have. And you know what…THATS what pissed him off.
He told me of how my ‘walls dont allow me to help you” and how “I tried being there for you, but you just kept pushing me away.” Now, I wonder…how did leaving me with all the bills unpaid after my grandmother died HELP me feel better? How did telling me “youre too skinny” and shooting daggers or teasing me HELP me? How did criticizing my shape while training for a body building competiotion HELP my progress?
It didnt…and you know why? Because he didnt intend for it to. He intended to wear me down at my most vulnerable time-
And again, HE failed

just-us

onelukygurl- he said to you, “I want to be loved too much and held too tight but your boundaries kept out alot of what I needed the most.” You said you you are still baffled by the statement. What I see is… the statement itself meant nothing, more then likely it was purely an attempt to get you to remove any boundaries you may have.

onelukygurl

Just us 5
Ok. Thank you. What about MANY statements he made saying ‘ you know what I want and need yet you choose to not give it to me.’. I’ve asked REOEATEDLY what he wants and needs…specifics… Yet he’s not been able to tell me.

ash phoenix

I loved this article on ‘Finding Pieces of My Soul’. Thank you Adelade.

I so relate to the ‘bafflement’ that many of you have spoken about on this blog. As human beings we are so ‘wired’ to make meaning out of things – and when something doesn’t make sense and will never make sense – as in SpathWorld – it kind of ‘freaks us out’. It certainly did in my case.

It is strange how as I continue on the journey of healing, new insights are coming to me, often triggered by the posts of people in the community.

One example that came into my mind this morning: I had finally made the shocking discovery that I had been involved with a spath (after I ended things and said ‘let’s just be friends’, he completely ‘stonewalled’ me – it was 3 weeks’ later I discovered by coincidence that he was a complete fraud and had lied to me the whole time during the friendship & the brief ‘romance’). To this day I haven’t ever heard from him again – but during the period of stonewalling, I felt as ‘though I was going crazy. Which is what he wanted, of course. In fact, he had tried out this strategy a couple of times during our ‘friendship’. He would suddenly ‘disappear’ and not be in contact for a few days. Fool that I was, I expressed my distress…and played right into his hands, so that he knew exactly how to hurt me when the time came.

For a few weeks after the discovery, my world seemed to disintegrate. I can’t remember much about it. I was so stunned that all I could do was play online scrabble in between trying to do small bite-sized pieces of work at a time (I run my own business, so am very fortunate to be able to work my own hours). I realise now that what I was doing by physically moving tiles around on a board was to try to make sense of the impossible and the incomprehensible….

KarmaChameleon

Hi Ash,

I had a similar experience with the P disappearing for days at a time. I was so livid once that I changed my phone number hoping to just get rid of the relationship. So he pops up in an email a few days later acting like nothing is wrong, like he always did, and eventually wore me down again. Never had any sort of adequate explanation.

We tried the ‘friends’ route after all the romantic nonsense was obviously NOT going to work out, and he would text for days, then nothing, until finally he invited me to come stay at his house for Spring Break, he’d leave the key outside for me and don’t worry about his girlfriend, she knows I’m coming. Well knock me over with a feather. Like I shouldn’t have seen that coming. I didn’t. That was the beginning of NC.

Soon after that, wierd things started happening to some of my online accounts that I can’t prove was him, but genuinely suspect, since the last account that was flagged for fraud was my bank account. I had stumbled across bank receipts from his most recent gf before me at his house once, but did not ask him about it.

Its been about 2 weeks now since any sort of fraudulent activity has been caught on any of my accounts so I’m hoping its finally all over and done. It is mind boggling.

ash phoenix

Hi Karma

I guess the ‘disappearing trick’ is one of the Spath strategies, ditto the ‘no adequate explanation’. I am totally mindboggled by your ex-Spath’s audacity in asking you to come and stay and ‘not to mind the girlfriend, she knows you are coming’. WTF??? If that isn’t a mindfark, I don’t know what is!

That is scary stuff re. your accounts. How did he manage to get access to your passwords etc? Really hope that the 2 weeks of no fraudulent activity continues, and that you can close the door once and for all on Creeporillo. x

KarmaChameleon

Thank you. 🙂

P had access to all my account numbers since he stayed at my place all the time. And, like an idiot, I used a very similar password on all my accounts. (I had given him my netflix pw when he was hospitalized once so he could watch movies on my account on his laptop, and found out he’d been using my account up until a couple of months ago.) All my passwords were a variation of the Netflix password. Lesson learned there.

The x P had the grandest case of entitlement I’d ever seen.

KarmaChameleon

Oh, and I read Without Conscience last night. Have you read it? Validating to say the least.

Truthspeak

Ash & Karma, the “disappearing” without a word is recognized as “Withold and Reward.”

Once the spath has worked their way into our lives and created this false sense of a relationship (romantic OR platonic), they test the proverbial waters by witholding their attention to us. They cause us to feel as if we’ve “done something” to offend or anger them enough that they stop speaking to us or responding (silent treatment).

Once WE accept the blame for some imagined slight or failure, then they shower us with their attention, again – a reward for our accepting the blame. If the spath even makes any apology, it is a backhanded one: If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have done THAT; along with other verbal diarrhea that pokes at shame and blame.

Karma, the “grandedst case of entitlement” is SUCH a farking TELL, isn’t it? The exspath also believed himself to be deserving of whatever he desired, including being a literary artist without putting ANY effort into it. He actually refused to return to college to finish his degree because his Eng. Comp. professor didn’t hand him high marks for his essays. And, he was not deserving of high marks – his essays were absolutely bland and utterly lacking in substance, but he could not be taught because he truly believed that he knew better than his professors!

Entitlement………..ttttttzzzzzzzzzzz……..Red Flag #47

KarmaChameleon

Gives me the creeps just thinking about it. I was so worried he’d had a heart attack or something during those times he just dropped off the map. At the end I found myself wishing he had. Awful, to bring me to the point of hatred. And after years of the cycle of lovebombing, devalue, discard, after the ridiculous amount of flowers, gifts, wine, jewelry, telling me I was IT for him, his final words to me were ‘oh well, I tried.’

Truthspeak

Karma! “oh well, I tried,” ICK!

And, it’s “okay” to feel that hatred for a little while, Karma. The things that the exspath did are deserving of hatred. But, after a while, the hatred has to be turned off, completely, and the gear put into “Self-love” mode for me.

KarmaChameleon

Good advice, and most days I feel like the hatred is gone. Then sometimes when I dwell too much ( like today ), I get so pissed that I put up with his constant mindf*ck. This too shall pass. I think I will go run around in the hurricane to get out the angst. 🙂

kim frederick

Oh, yeah. The unexplained disappearances. I used to call it, “going MIA.”
Xbf, drug addict, spath, pulled that one on a weekly basis.
I just read an article on trauma bonding that addressed this, and said it only strengthens the toxic bond.
I know my spath used it for leveredge. And because I was so hopelessly “bonded”, it worked like a charm.

KarmaChameleon

BTW, today’s reading selection is Healing the Shame that Binds You. 🙂 I’ve been working from home lately since the weather has been so foul. No too much working going on, unless you count working on my psyche.

KarmaChameleon

I believe it Kim. It’s the addiction thing, like when he finally turns up with roses, well, the relief just floods. The evil still gets to me. I can’t even explain the sensations I felt when he played those games with me.

ash phoenix

Truthy, ‘withhold and reward’ – that just puts it in a nutshell! Perhaps the Spathetic in my life thought that I would revoke my decision to end the ‘romantic’ part of things if he simply piled on the pressure, ie the silent treatment. And that I would come crawling back. Well, it backfired miserably on him. I realised that anyone capable of inflicting what amounted to total ‘Coventry’ for 3 weeks was a) seriously disturbed b) fundamentally cruel and c) that I had been completely mistaken in who and what he was and is. Ultimately he was hoist with his own petard. My ananswered messages of concern were picked up by his girlfriend (whom I didn’t know about, & who didn’t know about me). And Boom. Exposure of the creep to both parties simultaneously.

Karma, it is so weird but I also used to think ‘heart attack’ about the MIA strategy. I suppose I couldn’t imagine anyone being so deliberately cruel to another human being. I am so glad I got out when I did. How many years were you involved in total with Creeporillo?

KarmaChameleon

Ash –

Nicely done on outing your spath.

I was with P for almost 3 years. Although with all the wierd breakup time in between, probably condenses down considerably.

I used to think heart attack because he did have a genuine heart condition, which, by the way, he used as the pity ploy to lure me back on relationship attempt #345.

ash phoenix

Karma, those pity plays…ew. They are such experts in doing that.

I can’t remember which book I read it in, but apparently the health issues, particularly heart issues, are something that spaths often exhibit. They mistake feelings that we would interpret as ‘love’ or ‘butterflies’ for a love interest as being ‘a heart attack’. Because they have no hearts! Literally.

I have read Without Conscience. It is brilliant.

Peace and light to all. x

KarmaChameleon

You know, I just realized something. I don’t know if you saw my posts to Oxy asking her about this bizarre behavior of the P – he used to cry crocodile tears out of nowhere and say ‘I’m really trying’. I had no idea what he was talking about, and he did the word salad double speak when I expressed concern, then the tears dried up, and poof, all was back to ‘normal’.

I guess it is so very fitting that his last words to me were ‘oh well, I tried.’

Truthspeak

Karma……….LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “I’m really trying” and “oh well, I tried” can be interpreted into NormalSpeak, thusly: “I’m really trying to dismantle your soul,” and, “Oh well, I tried to dismantle your soul, to no avail.”

TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

parallelogram

op

KarmaChameleon

Truthspeak, I think I love you.

Lone Wolf

Wow I completely love this piece by Adelade and her previous piece – thank you.

There is so much I both want and need to say on LF.

This is hard to do for various reasons but I just want to share this nice little thing.

Similar to the OP I just found myself the other day, in the middle of all my current shit, doing something I would never do usually as both I am doing nowt but shit-dealing atm AND because I can’t draw.

I found myself sketching a beautful, colourful dress of my own design that I would one day like to have made. The colour and design also reflect the power I hope to regain as a hope of surviving.

I don’t know where this came from – I guess God. 🙂

But it seems to have planted a bit of a seed.

Where there was only blackness in my mind, now there is this bit of colour. Bright vibrant colour.

I have been working on myself for a long time and I guess the psyche is a complex mechanism, and breakthroughs come in their own way and time. Healing can’t be forced I think, only allowed by us.

I hope this resonates with some.. – a simple creative idea or sketch is, I am sure, no big deal for a normal person, but for me, in my current situ and with PTSD etc, it is a big deal.

I was wondering if anyone else found that colour could help them break through the darkness..by admiring art, or producing it etc..or just by looking at the vibrant colours of flowers…but to engage with colour as I did…the colour was not just colour but healing…

I hope someone makes sense of this..

Love and light

strongawoman

Lone wolf,

I teach art. Everyone can draw my friend.

Karma,

Am feeling the love for Truthy too. She is totally hilarious. Have you thought about standup comedy Truthspeak? Just love your witty retorts ….towanda to all. Yes siree bob!!!!!

ash phoenix

Hi karma, I like the ‘word salad’ expression. Those crocodile tears….so characteristic of a Spath.

Lone Wolf, I love your idea of creating a beautiful dress and working with colour. At a metaphorical level, you are ‘reclothing’ yourself, making your own choices about what is right for you and what pleases YOU rather than Spathetic.

Parallelogram, I love your comment re. Mind Boggle and the board games….and realising we are not ‘pieces to be moved around on someone else’s board at will. If anyone does the moving around of our pieces, it is going to be we ourselves. TOWANDA!

‘Sending to Coventry’: sorry, I didn’t realise it was such a British idiom. It means being completely ostracised, treated as ‘though you are not there – rather like the ‘shunning’ the Amish do as an extreme form of punishment, to bring people back into line. Here is what Wikipedia has to say:

To quote:

‘To send someone to Coventry is a British idiom meaning to ostracise someone, usually by not talking to them. To be sent to Coventry is to be regarded as absent. It is often used by children to bully others, and can be used to punish people who, for example, refuse to join a strike. The Coventry in the phrase is a cathedral city in the West Midlands, England.

The origins of this phrase are not known, although it is quite probable that events in Coventry in the English Civil War in the 1640s play a part. One hypothesis as to its origin is based upon The History of the Rebellion and Civil Wars in England, by Edward Hyde, 1st Earl of Clarendon. In this work, Hyde recounts on how Royalist troops that were captured in Birmingham were taken as prisoners to Coventry, which was a Parliamentarian stronghold. These troops were often not received warmly by the locals’.

And about Shunning:

‘Shunning can be the act of social rejection, or mental rejection. Social rejection is when a person or group deliberately avoids association with, and habitually keeps away from an individual or group. This can be a formal decision by a group, or a less formal group action which will spread to all members of the group as a form of solidarity. It is a sanction against association, often associated with religious groups and other tightly knit organizations and communities. Targets of shunning can include persons who have been labeled as, apostates, whistleblowers, dissidents, strikebreakers, or anyone the group perceives as a threat or source of conflict. Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture. Mental rejection is a more individual action, where a person subconsciously or willfully ignores an idea, or a set of information related to particular viewpoint’.

Please note the phrase: ‘Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture.’ That is exactly what the effect of the ‘stonewalliing’ is after all the lovebombing. It is deliberate mental and psychological torture. Pure and simple. And its purpose is to break down the ‘love object’s’ esteem and self worth.

Lone Wolf

Ash Phoenix

Thank you for your astute and kind comment.

I think you are right – revealing the real strong, true, colourful me will and should be an exciting and colourful journey

if I can survive the spath attempts to destroy me.

It is strange having a leg in each camp so to speak.

When the dark closes in most tightly, I will try to visualise the light and colour.

xx

PS Knew what sent to Coventry meant but loved your full explanation. I like the idea of the Royalists getting a sniffy reception in Coventry!.

ash phoenix

Lone Wolf, it is a pleasure. Keep surrounding yourself with light and beauty. A book that I have found to be very helpful is ‘Simple Abundance: A daybook of comfort and joy’ by Sarah Ban Breatnach. I came across it at a time in my life when I was burnt out physically and emotionally after pushing myself to the max at work for 15 years (actually, that cycle has happened to me a few times – I now know that I have to make some serious changes in my life, but that is another story).

Sarah’s book is based on the philosophy of living life simply, of being mindful, of seeing and enjoying the little treasures and joys in life, many of which are there already, under our noses, simply waiting to be enjoyed. There is an entry for every day – observations and ideas. I had overworked, been a caretaker, been ‘the responsible one’ for so long that I had forgotten what truly gave me joy. Through reading the book, I reconnected with the early joys in my life. Dancing. Music – making it and listening to it. The joy of creating and eating a delicious meal. Or watching sunsets and sunrises. Smelling the roses. Growing vegetables from seed. Walking barefoot on the beach. Kicking my way through Autumn leaves. Catching raindrops on my tongue. Lying on the lawn watching the clouds. Listening to stories. Going ‘junkshopping’ in neighbourhood charity shops to see what treasures I might find. You get the picture. It might be a resource for you as you start reconnecting with who you are, and what gives you joy.

Blessings and light for your journey. Remember we are all companions on the same road.

x

KarmaChameleon

Hello all,

Minor meltdown. Spath just texted me. Wants to send my son a bday card. Doing some deep breathing.

Truthspeak

KARMA, why is he still able to TEXT MESSAGE YOU!?!?!

While you’re practicing deep breathing, it may be a very, very, VERY good activity to block him from every possible “IN ROAD” into your life.

HUGS, dear heart – put him out of your misery, for good and for all.

Truthspeak

Karma, if this is HIS son, keep this in mind: if he “wants to send (him) a bday card,” then he can do it through other means. Does he have your mailing address? Is your mail delivered where you actually live? If so, head out and get a Post Office Box, today – costs about 40 bucks for a year. THAT WAY, he can do what appears to be the “right thing” without knowing where you are.

Hugs, again

KarmaChameleon

Will be checking into blocking asap. I’m so stunned that he would have the audacity to contact me after all these months. I removed his number from my phone without thinking I’d need it to block it.

KarmaChameleon

No, its not his son. Thank you for the hugs. I’m freaked out that he even tracked my son’s bday.

Truthspeak

Karma……if this is NOT even his son, have his number blocked along with all possible contact avenues. Change your email, if you can – most free email servers will import your address book. The better way to alert people to your new email address is to cut/paste their email addresses onto a BCC message that announces your new email address.

No need for you to RESPOND in any way, even to tell him that you never want to hear from him, again. Please – understand this, clearly: any communication, in any form, that states your assertion that you will not communicate with him will simply be viewed by him as an open, engraved invitation for him to invent new, and creative ways to trample those boundaries.

Just for reference, some information on stalking:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/what-stalkers-do-and-how-to-deal-with-stalking-behavior/

Brightest blessings!

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