Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote, “Lessons from Jurassic Park: Sociopaths simply are.”
When I first realized that my marriage was over, I was literally overwhelmed with the ensuing emotions that followed my initial discovery. After the exspath left and I had an opportunity to do some in-depth financial research, the emotions centered around fear and despair. Fear with regard to my immediate and foreseeable future, and despair with regard to the gravity of the obvious marriage-for-money-only.
I’ve been grappling with fear and despair for a good while, now. Sometimes, I have fits of one (or, both) that seem almost paralyzing – I don’t want to speak to people, I don’t want to hear from people, and I don’t want to leave the room that I’m staying in. I can’t make other people “get it” about the severity of my situation, and I’ve stopped trying. I don’t even want to hear a vague reference to the exspath or what a rat-turd he is. What I want is for the fear and despair to evaporate and leave me clean, fresh, new, and redeemed. Well, that’s just not going to happen. So, how can I get through these fits?
Lately, I’ve the fits have been getting shorter in duration and intensity. Yippee. But, what I’m finding in their wake is this hollow feeling of just being absent. I’m feeling as hollow as an empty soup can, and I’m having a hard time filling that void up with something positive. The soup was tainted, and some remnants are still sticking to the sides of that can. But, what’s left is this toxic void.
Painting again
Last week, I picked up a paintbrush and put pigment on a canvas for the first time in a long, long time. I began painting something dark and menacing – a particular scene from a well-known fantasy novel that had always been in my imagination. This was a departure from my typical subject matter, and I finished a sketch that I was satisfied with. I’ll be starting on a better version of the initial sketch and put all of my fears and disquiet onto the canvas.
What I’ve discovered is that I had found a tiny bit of my soul that the exspath had cut away and left lying around. I picked that wee bit of myself up, and stuffed it back where it came from. Yeah, it had a lot of dirt and grime on it, and it’s quite misshapen from having been trampled upon, but it’s still mine and I took it back rather than stepping over it or sweeping it up and tossing it out.
And, the relevance of this find to my issues of fear, despair, and hollow soup can? In spite of my fits of fear and despair, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still a flipping viable human being with something important to do. I don’t know what that “something” might be, but I have “A Reason” for being here, and that fact diminishes the power of the both fear and despair. I’m not as hollow as I think I am and a good, cleansing rainstorm can fill that empty soup can up in minutes. I don’t have to feel this way and no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.
Power of “Doing Something”
I am changed, to be sure. I no longer trust, easily. I don’t tolerate bullshit well, anymore. I make tough decisions that aren’t always warm and fuzzy. And, I am okay with all of this, I think.
No matter what stage of recovery I’m in, I want to convey the incredible power of “Doing Something,” even if it’s just an attempt to seize back some part of my soul that was taken and damaged. There is true power in this and there is self-validation in this. And, whenever I begin to feel fear about the exspath and what he might say/do in Court, I picture him standing in front of the Judge, naked, and covered in mayonnaise. If I can laugh, I’m alive and I am moving away from the carnage.
No, none of us will ever be “the same” person we were before our experiences with a sociopath. But, I intend to snatch every little piece of my soul that I find laying around, no matter what condition it’s in. And, I’m going to fill up my soup can with ME. My experiences were just that: dreadful experiences. I’m a survivor, now. I’m recovering, now. I am not a victim, nor will I behave like one. My whining will be confined to venues where I can do it, quickly, and get it out of my system. The Truths of my experiences are reserved for those who “get it.”
Everything, from this point onward, is pure gravy.
op
I thought this was a Starve the Spaths Club.
parallelogram,
you’re right, I wouldn’t want to be like them in any shape or form.
I had thought I was handling it pretty cool while I was there, then when I walked out to the car, I noticed that my face was twitching! lol! I think it was from holding gray rock on my face so intensely. But at least it didn’t happen in her presence.
Your experience with vomiting and shaking sounds horrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Even a “baby spath” is as toxic as a full blown spath. You are right though, our bodies are reacting in a healthy way, trying to eject their toxic contamination. When my spath’s mask slipped, my heart sped up for a whole month. I lost 20 lbs in 20 days without exercise or diet.
I’m trying to figure out how to sell the “weight loss by spath program” and make some money. 😉
ref: finding pieces of my soul, I seem to go thru extreme highs and lows, my Dr. said my sp caused ptsd and some syndrome that takes years to recover from. My divorce is ongoing for 4 years now.. sometimes i am “?ok?’, but i also avoid people, fear my trustingness… and at times i go “down” for weeks at a time, were i just seem to not be able to function. I have/run a ranch, raise beef cows, and horses. my animals and dogs are my only true friends i have. I have been left with more debt than my income. I am at my witts end. I am so thankful lovefraud is here, i have been reading for years, 1st time i have posted. For the record, i was with my sp for approx 18 years, i had no clue he was going to leave me, until the morning he did. Then i was forced to see all he had done over the years, he made sure of it. Truely, he is inteligent, charming, good looking…..but nothing of or with him was ever real. He is more evil than I knew existed. And yes, no one who has not experienced this evil can concieve what it is. So I have stoped trying to convey it to family, ones i thought were friends etc. I def need help. … and want the world to learn of this type of evil that exists, and yet, outsiders seem to think these people are the most wonderful creations they have ever met.
Skylar,
“Weight loss by spath programme”
Better to stay fat than subscribe to that slimming regime, me thinks.
Parallelogram and Skylar,
I think its a miracle you (and others I’ve read about on this site) who were stalked to that degree did not end up hospitalized for sheer exhaustion. How much can one person’s nervous system take?
I’m reading The Gift of Fear now. Very interesting stuff. Brought back a memory of the P once telling me how easy it would be to kill someone and not get caught. At the time it was sort of alarming, but I overlooked it as I did so many other creepy things he said. I read The Sociopath Next Door a couple of days ago and was thoroughly depressed to learn that 1 in 25 people in America are sociopathic. I think I must be a magnet because it seems they are drawn to me, the last one being the worst. I am definitely working on my non-prey behavior.
I had a nice day with my son today. Did not obsessively check email or bank accounts or anything else. I think I just reached the saturation point yesterday and I’m not interested in obsessing. I am interested in finishing that book, though. 🙂
As always, the folks on this site are such an inspiration to me.
Katstalker,
I’m glad you found this site, not glad your spath did such horrible things.
I hope reading this site brings you some comfort. Going through a divorce for 4 years sounds terrible.
Take care of yourself.
Strongawoman,
yep, I’d rather be fat than spathed! 🙂
Karma,
it’s a testament to my good genes and lots of health supplements, that I didn’t have a heart attack. Many people do. EB and Dupey both report having heart attacks when the mask came off. I completely understand how. In fact, my spath went next door to the elderly couple’s house just to antagonize them. He came back and said, “you should have seen the old guy’s face, I almost gave him a heart attack.” He was gleeful.
At the time, he had me convinced that they were horrible people and “deserved” it. of course. So I didn’t know what to think. Spath has a way of raging that can make anyone break down in tears. But I was never afraid of him, until the mask came off. Then I knew it wasn’t human at all. I also realized that all the raging I had witnessed wasn’t real either. It was all an act. The evil aspect of spath isn’t hot, but rather cold and slimey. There aren’t even words for it.
If he really wants to give someone a heart attack, all he has to do is reveal his real self. It’s horrifying.
KarmaC,
It’s testament to the strength of the human being that we have prevailed despite the attempts of spaths and other toxic individuals to do away with us. Long live empathetic, kind, loving, caring, soulful, spirited people I say. The rest are truly deserving of what they inherit. Or what they deserve to inherit. My ex has an infuriating way of coming out of everything smelling of roses. Still, I have faith that one day he will meet his nemesis. Death before dishonour? Hopefully he’ll just shuffle off his mortal coil without inflicting any more pain and destruction. God I truly, truly hope so.
I remember telling myself over and over, ‘just think of him as a big teddy bear’ because the P scared me from our first date, but I just could not put my finger on it until he really started to drop the mask. Even on the first date, his stare made me so uncomfortable, I asked him why he was looking at me like that. He said he seems to make lots of people uncomfortable and then some world salad blah blah blah. I witnessed clerks and wait staff being very uncomfortable around him because he rarely ever had any expression on his face, and he stared a hole through people. Some freaking teddy bear.