Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote, “Lessons from Jurassic Park: Sociopaths simply are.”
When I first realized that my marriage was over, I was literally overwhelmed with the ensuing emotions that followed my initial discovery. After the exspath left and I had an opportunity to do some in-depth financial research, the emotions centered around fear and despair. Fear with regard to my immediate and foreseeable future, and despair with regard to the gravity of the obvious marriage-for-money-only.
I’ve been grappling with fear and despair for a good while, now. Sometimes, I have fits of one (or, both) that seem almost paralyzing – I don’t want to speak to people, I don’t want to hear from people, and I don’t want to leave the room that I’m staying in. I can’t make other people “get it” about the severity of my situation, and I’ve stopped trying. I don’t even want to hear a vague reference to the exspath or what a rat-turd he is. What I want is for the fear and despair to evaporate and leave me clean, fresh, new, and redeemed. Well, that’s just not going to happen. So, how can I get through these fits?
Lately, I’ve the fits have been getting shorter in duration and intensity. Yippee. But, what I’m finding in their wake is this hollow feeling of just being absent. I’m feeling as hollow as an empty soup can, and I’m having a hard time filling that void up with something positive. The soup was tainted, and some remnants are still sticking to the sides of that can. But, what’s left is this toxic void.
Painting again
Last week, I picked up a paintbrush and put pigment on a canvas for the first time in a long, long time. I began painting something dark and menacing – a particular scene from a well-known fantasy novel that had always been in my imagination. This was a departure from my typical subject matter, and I finished a sketch that I was satisfied with. I’ll be starting on a better version of the initial sketch and put all of my fears and disquiet onto the canvas.
What I’ve discovered is that I had found a tiny bit of my soul that the exspath had cut away and left lying around. I picked that wee bit of myself up, and stuffed it back where it came from. Yeah, it had a lot of dirt and grime on it, and it’s quite misshapen from having been trampled upon, but it’s still mine and I took it back rather than stepping over it or sweeping it up and tossing it out.
And, the relevance of this find to my issues of fear, despair, and hollow soup can? In spite of my fits of fear and despair, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still a flipping viable human being with something important to do. I don’t know what that “something” might be, but I have “A Reason” for being here, and that fact diminishes the power of the both fear and despair. I’m not as hollow as I think I am and a good, cleansing rainstorm can fill that empty soup can up in minutes. I don’t have to feel this way and no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.
Power of “Doing Something”
I am changed, to be sure. I no longer trust, easily. I don’t tolerate bullshit well, anymore. I make tough decisions that aren’t always warm and fuzzy. And, I am okay with all of this, I think.
No matter what stage of recovery I’m in, I want to convey the incredible power of “Doing Something,” even if it’s just an attempt to seize back some part of my soul that was taken and damaged. There is true power in this and there is self-validation in this. And, whenever I begin to feel fear about the exspath and what he might say/do in Court, I picture him standing in front of the Judge, naked, and covered in mayonnaise. If I can laugh, I’m alive and I am moving away from the carnage.
No, none of us will ever be “the same” person we were before our experiences with a sociopath. But, I intend to snatch every little piece of my soul that I find laying around, no matter what condition it’s in. And, I’m going to fill up my soup can with ME. My experiences were just that: dreadful experiences. I’m a survivor, now. I’m recovering, now. I am not a victim, nor will I behave like one. My whining will be confined to venues where I can do it, quickly, and get it out of my system. The Truths of my experiences are reserved for those who “get it.”
Everything, from this point onward, is pure gravy.
strongawoman
Lone wolf,
I teach art. Everyone can draw my friend.
Karma,
Am feeling the love for Truthy too. She is totally hilarious. Have you thought about standup comedy Truthspeak? Just love your witty retorts ….towanda to all. Yes siree bob!!!!!
ash phoenix
Hi karma, I like the ‘word salad’ expression. Those crocodile tears….so characteristic of a Spath.
Lone Wolf, I love your idea of creating a beautiful dress and working with colour. At a metaphorical level, you are ‘reclothing’ yourself, making your own choices about what is right for you and what pleases YOU rather than Spathetic.
Parallelogram, I love your comment re. Mind Boggle and the board games….and realising we are not ‘pieces to be moved around on someone else’s board at will. If anyone does the moving around of our pieces, it is going to be we ourselves. TOWANDA!
‘Sending to Coventry’: sorry, I didn’t realise it was such a British idiom. It means being completely ostracised, treated as ‘though you are not there – rather like the ‘shunning’ the Amish do as an extreme form of punishment, to bring people back into line. Here is what Wikipedia has to say:
To quote:
‘To send someone to Coventry is a British idiom meaning to ostracise someone, usually by not talking to them. To be sent to Coventry is to be regarded as absent. It is often used by children to bully others, and can be used to punish people who, for example, refuse to join a strike. The Coventry in the phrase is a cathedral city in the West Midlands, England.
The origins of this phrase are not known, although it is quite probable that events in Coventry in the English Civil War in the 1640s play a part. One hypothesis as to its origin is based upon The History of the Rebellion and Civil Wars in England, by Edward Hyde, 1st Earl of Clarendon. In this work, Hyde recounts on how Royalist troops that were captured in Birmingham were taken as prisoners to Coventry, which was a Parliamentarian stronghold. These troops were often not received warmly by the locals’.
And about Shunning:
‘Shunning can be the act of social rejection, or mental rejection. Social rejection is when a person or group deliberately avoids association with, and habitually keeps away from an individual or group. This can be a formal decision by a group, or a less formal group action which will spread to all members of the group as a form of solidarity. It is a sanction against association, often associated with religious groups and other tightly knit organizations and communities. Targets of shunning can include persons who have been labeled as, apostates, whistleblowers, dissidents, strikebreakers, or anyone the group perceives as a threat or source of conflict. Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture. Mental rejection is a more individual action, where a person subconsciously or willfully ignores an idea, or a set of information related to particular viewpoint’.
Please note the phrase: ‘Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture.’ That is exactly what the effect of the ‘stonewalliing’ is after all the lovebombing. It is deliberate mental and psychological torture. Pure and simple. And its purpose is to break down the ‘love object’s’ esteem and self worth.
Lone Wolf
Ash Phoenix
Thank you for your astute and kind comment.
I think you are right – revealing the real strong, true, colourful me will and should be an exciting and colourful journey
if I can survive the spath attempts to destroy me.
It is strange having a leg in each camp so to speak.
When the dark closes in most tightly, I will try to visualise the light and colour.
xx
PS Knew what sent to Coventry meant but loved your full explanation. I like the idea of the Royalists getting a sniffy reception in Coventry!.
ash phoenix
Lone Wolf, it is a pleasure. Keep surrounding yourself with light and beauty. A book that I have found to be very helpful is ‘Simple Abundance: A daybook of comfort and joy’ by Sarah Ban Breatnach. I came across it at a time in my life when I was burnt out physically and emotionally after pushing myself to the max at work for 15 years (actually, that cycle has happened to me a few times – I now know that I have to make some serious changes in my life, but that is another story).
Sarah’s book is based on the philosophy of living life simply, of being mindful, of seeing and enjoying the little treasures and joys in life, many of which are there already, under our noses, simply waiting to be enjoyed. There is an entry for every day – observations and ideas. I had overworked, been a caretaker, been ‘the responsible one’ for so long that I had forgotten what truly gave me joy. Through reading the book, I reconnected with the early joys in my life. Dancing. Music – making it and listening to it. The joy of creating and eating a delicious meal. Or watching sunsets and sunrises. Smelling the roses. Growing vegetables from seed. Walking barefoot on the beach. Kicking my way through Autumn leaves. Catching raindrops on my tongue. Lying on the lawn watching the clouds. Listening to stories. Going ‘junkshopping’ in neighbourhood charity shops to see what treasures I might find. You get the picture. It might be a resource for you as you start reconnecting with who you are, and what gives you joy.
Blessings and light for your journey. Remember we are all companions on the same road.
x
KarmaChameleon
Hello all,
Minor meltdown. Spath just texted me. Wants to send my son a bday card. Doing some deep breathing.
Truthspeak
KARMA, why is he still able to TEXT MESSAGE YOU!?!?!
While you’re practicing deep breathing, it may be a very, very, VERY good activity to block him from every possible “IN ROAD” into your life.
HUGS, dear heart – put him out of your misery, for good and for all.
Truthspeak
Karma, if this is HIS son, keep this in mind: if he “wants to send (him) a bday card,” then he can do it through other means. Does he have your mailing address? Is your mail delivered where you actually live? If so, head out and get a Post Office Box, today – costs about 40 bucks for a year. THAT WAY, he can do what appears to be the “right thing” without knowing where you are.
Hugs, again
KarmaChameleon
Will be checking into blocking asap. I’m so stunned that he would have the audacity to contact me after all these months. I removed his number from my phone without thinking I’d need it to block it.
KarmaChameleon
No, its not his son. Thank you for the hugs. I’m freaked out that he even tracked my son’s bday.
Truthspeak
Karma……if this is NOT even his son, have his number blocked along with all possible contact avenues. Change your email, if you can – most free email servers will import your address book. The better way to alert people to your new email address is to cut/paste their email addresses onto a BCC message that announces your new email address.
No need for you to RESPOND in any way, even to tell him that you never want to hear from him, again. Please – understand this, clearly: any communication, in any form, that states your assertion that you will not communicate with him will simply be viewed by him as an open, engraved invitation for him to invent new, and creative ways to trample those boundaries.
Just for reference, some information on stalking:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/what-stalkers-do-and-how-to-deal-with-stalking-behavior/
Brightest blessings!